Aly Semigran
Staff editor Aly Semigran is a New York City native who grew up in Philadelphia and spent the better part of her youth trying to figure out what the Philly Phanatic was (an anteater?), quoting 'The Simpsons,' and learning all about movies from her dad. After graduating from Temple University, where she studied journalism, she moved back to NYC and began her career as a freelance entertainment journalist. Her work has been published in Entertainment Weekly, Maxim, Philadelphia Weekly, Philadelphia City Paper,, and She is thrilled to be a part of the team and she is still quoting 'The Simpsons.' ('I'm Idaho!')
  • Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /media/www/hollywood/Web/releases/20150325105258/vendor/doctrine/common/lib/Doctrine/Common/Annotations/FileCacheReader.php on line 202 Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /media/www/hollywood/Web/releases/20150325105258/vendor/doctrine/common/lib/Doctrine/Common/Annotations/FileCacheReader.php on line 202 Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /media/www/hollywood/Web/releases/20150325105258/vendor/doctrine/common/lib/Doctrine/Common/Annotations/FileCacheReader.php on line 202 Spider-Man Spends What? The Price of Being a Superhero
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 29, 2012
    There's no question that superheroes are a lucrative bunch. From Spider-Man to The Dark Knight, crime-fighters on the big screen often translate to big bucks at the box office. But how much does it actually cost to be a superhero? To celebrate Superhero Week — and May 4's all-star blockbuster The Avengers — delves into the sustainability of our favorite heroes' super extracurricular activities. Would they have the funds — and good health — to keep up with their secret lifestyles? To kick off the week, we break down Sam Raimi's 2002 smash hit Spider-Man and discover that along with great responsibility, great power can also come with some great debt.  Name: Peter Parker Superhero Alias: Spider-Man Occupation: High school student/freelance photographer Income: Fluctuates. While Peter (Tobey Maguire) presumably earned no allowance from Aunt May (Rosemary Harris) and Uncle Ben (Cliff Robertson) for household chores and earned a measly $100 for that amateur wrestling tournament (he lost $2900-slash-Uncle Ben's life in the process), his surprisingly lucrative freelancing gig at the Daily Bugle ($300 per photo or roughly $2100 per week) found him making around $5600 in total that month. Not bad for an 18-year-old. Rent: Scott free! Lived modestly with Uncle Ben and Aunt May in Queens and then presumably lived rent-free thanks in a sweet SoHo loft with Harry Osborne (James Franco.) Rooming with the trust fund baby of an evil scientist has its perks! Costume: His homemade wrestling outfit featured Spidey-inspired Nikes for $150, a red mask (around $15 on eBay), and your run of-the-mall Hanes male sweatpants and sweatshirt totaling $28.50, bringing his outfit to roughly $193. (A big hit, considering he only won $100 at that botched wrestling match.) As for his professional Spider-Man duds, a trip to Mood for 6 yards of red solid mesh would send him back $72. Tim Gunn would have been so proud. In total, Spidey spent about $265 on his costume/disguise. Weapons: Again, totally free! This virtually ammo-free superhero is perhaps the most resourceful one, using only the weapons at his disposal, like his slinging spiderwebs. Take that, Batman. Gadgets: To keep up that freelancing gig (which his editor J. Jonah Jameson wrongfully refers to as "the best thing in the world for a kid your age"), Spidey used a camera like this $429 Nikon. Damages: While most of the damage caused to the city of New York was actually caused by the Green Goblin's destructive path, Peter broke a lamp at his Aunt and Uncle's house. That's coming out of your allowance, young man! Oh wait... Transportation: Aside from the occasional subway ride when he's Peter Parker instead of Spider-Man, the hero gets around the city by climbing walls and jumping from building to building. Hey, those Metrocards are pricey. Risks: Scads! Considering there's no health insurance in being a superhero (or a freelancer for that matter), Spider-Man was taking some big risks with his life considering what a physical and emotional toll the job takes. Peter/Spidey never went to the hospital, despite getting bit by a poisonous spider, jumping into a burning building, hitting the side of a building at full force after a failed swing, cutting his arm while trying to hide from Norman Osborne (Willem Dafoe), and a variety of other ER-worthy incidents. Factor in a tragic backstory and an isolating future, and he should have definitely invested in some therapy. Perks: Sure, there's no health insurance. But Spidey's heightened senses means no more glasses, saving him roughly $400 in glasses/contacts/eye exams, and an enviable physique, which means he can cancel his gym membership, around $800 a year in NYC. Entertainment/Other: Offers to take his unrequited love Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst) out for $7.84 cheeseburger. (She declines!) Sustainability: Not great. Between constantly having to change your identity and location (rooming with a guy whose dad you killed will put you back on Craigslist in no time), butting heads with/running from the authority, denying yourself fulfilling personal relationships in the already isolating Manhattan, and living off a freelancers wage can only last so long. Final calculation: Peter Parker/Spidey saved/earned roughly $6,113.84. Again, not terrible for a youngster with incredible power at his disposal, but none of that money got his Uncle Ben back or Mary Jane in his arms. [Photo credit: Columbia Pictures]
  • Julianne Moore Offered Role of Scary Mom For 'Carrie' Remake
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 27, 2012
    America's most respected ginger Julianne Moore has reportedly been offered the role of the horrifying religious zealot mother for the upcoming remake of Carrie. According to, MGM has sent the script to the 51-year-old actress in the hopes that she'll play Margaret White, the role that was originated by Piper Laurie in the 1976 original. Chloe Moretz is already set to play movie history's testiest prom date Carrie White, in the Kimberly Peirce-directed re-imagining of Stephen King's classic chiller. The four-time Oscar nominee, who recently played Sarah Palin in the horror movie for liberals, HBO's Game Change, is known for her known for her wide array of in beloved comedies (The Big Lebowski, The Kids Are All Right, 30 Rock) and well-received dramas (Boogie Nights, Magnolia, Children of Men) and just about everything else in between. While Moore hasn't appeared in too many horror films (especially if you don't count Hannibal and you definitely shouldn't) the actress, interestingly enough, appeared in the maligned remake of another horror classic: 1998's Psycho. What do you think of Julianne Moore as the possible choice to play Margaret White in the Carrie remake? Sound off in the comments section! [Photo credit: Dave Edwards- © 2011- All Rights Reserved] More: Chloe Moretz Offered Role in Carrie Remake: Is She The Right Choice? Roberto Aguirre- Sacasa to Pen Carrie Remake Julianne Moore Joins Suck City
  • Will Ferrell To Host 'SNL' On May 12
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 27, 2012
    In a season severely lacking cowbell, Will Ferrell is returning to Saturday Night Live to hopefully right that wrong. The SNL alum will head back to Studio 8H to host for the third time since exiting the show in 2002. The comic actor, who recently announced there will be an Anchorman sequel, was one of the series' most popular cast members during his seven-season run thanks to his kooky characters like cheerleader Craig, music teacher Marty Culp, Morning Latte co-host Tom Wilkins, that sonofabitch Bill Brasky's boisterous pal Hank and his raucous imitations of Robert Goulet, James Lipton, Harry Caray, Alex Trebek, Janet Reno, and of course, George W. Bush. Ferrell's episode, which will welcome Usher as the musical guest, will be the penultimate episode for the 37th season. New York Giants QB Eli Manning will host SNL before Ferrell's ep, but a host for the finale has not yet been named. Are you excited that Ferrell will be making his way back to SNL for this alumni-happy season. (Jimmy Fallon, Maya Rudolph, and Ben Stiller all returned this year.) Which characters do you hope he'll bring back? Hey, get off the shed and answer me! [Photo credit: Dave Edwards- © 2008- All Rights Reserved] More: Anchorman 2 Happening with Will Ferrell Eli Manning to Host Saturday Night Live: Score? Saturday Night Live Recap: Josh Brolin's Goatee and Gotye
  • 'Snooki & JWOWW' Preview: 'Shore' No More
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 27, 2012
    Following in the rich tradition of This Kardashian Does Something With This Other Kardashian at a Location, Jersey Shore stars Snooki and J-WOWW are getting their own spin-off. While Pauly D has already branched off from the rest of the Macaroni Rascals for the relentlessly dull Pauly D Project (a DJ Pauly D without Vinny is a DJ Pauly D-vided) the apocalypse-causing Snooki and her shockingly normal sidekick (well, by Jersey Shore standards) Jenni 'J-WOWW' Farley are getting their own  series as well. MTV has just released their first look at the spin-off series, Snooki &JWOWW, which features the spray tanned twosome getting into brand new zany adventures in Jersey....City. Aside from the new location, things aren't all that different with the reality show stars: They are still with their respective beaus Jionni and Roger and they still play off each other like some deranged Laurel and Hardy act (just wait until you see their classic "smell my finger" routine.) Just like the old days! Well, except for the fact that Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi is going to be someone's mother. Or, as she put it best in the preview, "The fact that I can reproduce is very scary." With Jersey Shore fatigue having settled in with viewers by the time the gang forever ruined international relations when they traveled to Italy, it only makes sense for the show's most interesting characters to branch off and do their own thing. But is pregnant Snooki something we as a society can collectively handle? Maybe not. What I do know is if the entire series was J-WOWW popping up from behind things like she does at the 15-second mark, they would have their most dedicated viewer. Watch the preview for Snooki & JWOWW here: Get More: Jersey Shore (Season 5), Full Episodes Will you be tuning in for Snooki & JWOWW? Or were you desperately hoping for Sammi & Ronnie Take Xenadrine instead? Do you actually find Snooki and J-WOWW's friendship sort of endearing? Are you still coming to terms with the fact that Snooki can reproduce? Sound off in the comments section! [Photo credit: MTV] Follow Aly on Twitter @AlySemigran More: Jersey Shore Renewed For Sixth Season Snooki Reveals She is Pregnant Pauly D Sued Over $4 Million Jersey Shore Paycheck
  • 'Parks and Rec'-ap: Sweetums Disposition
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 27, 2012
    "Holy s**t Leslie, that was awesome." For the first time, maybe ever, Bobby Newport said something we could all agree on. What may or may not have inadvertently been a six-word concession speech from Leslie Knope's dopey, privileged opponent perfectly summed up the next – fingers crossed! – city council member of Pawnee's amazing closing statement. Of course, it wasn't an immediate knockout punch from ultimate fighter Leslie Knope during the long-awaited debate on last night's Parks and Recreation aptly titled "The Debate." In fact, our gal had to put up one hell of a fight. With the adorable and supportive Ben, as always, in her corner, Leslie had to gun in guns blazing as she was behind Bobby (the endlessly funny Paul Rudd) eight percent in the polls. But the popular, crowd-baiting Bobby wasn't going to be Leslie's only challenge in the 800-seat auditorium. The debate's moderators were none other than the hopeless Purd Hapley and unabashed Leslie hater, the newly single Joan Callamezzo; her fellow debaters were more clueless and unqualified than the next (including the return of porn star Brandy Maxxxx and the introduction of new opponents like gun nut Fester Trim, played by none other than Friday Night Lights' Buddy Garrity –er, Brad Leland); and Bobby proved to be nothing more than a spoiled child more than ever. ("That hurt my feelings" was one of his legitimate rebuttals.) Against all logic and reason Bobby Newport looked poised to run away with winning this debate, thanks to his stupid charms and his threat that if Leslie were to win, the Newport clan would be forced to move Sweetums out of town, leaving Pawnee-ans with less jobs and less candy. Leslie had a choice: Surrender to Bobby's pandering in a political popularity contest or speak from the heart and go for the gut. Of course asking what Leslie would do in this situation is like asking if waffles are the greatest thing in the history of the world: It's a no-brainer. Leslie delivered a stunning, eloquent, sincere closing statement condemning Bobby's message to the people of Pawnee about the Sweetums removal. "When you love something, you don't threaten it. You take care of it, you put it first.....No one takes advantage of Pawnee." BAM! If Leslie rightly wins this election for that speech Emmy voters better take a cue from the people of Pawnee and give Amy Poehler the long-overdue trip to the podium to make her own speech. Meanwhile, as Leslie was going 12 rounds with her flailing opponents, the rest of her rag tag team was off doing their part to keep her up and swinging in the fight. April, Tom, and Chris doubled as both the "spin" team for Leslie's big debate night and the least interesting love triangle ever assembled. In the midst of another one of their break-ups, things got even more "complicated" for the infinitely unlikeable coupling of Tom and Ann when Chris tried to win his ex back. ("I honestly can't believe we ever dated" Ann cried about Tom at one point. We couldn't agree more.) The biggest issue in this triangle is, there's no one or nothing to root for in this scenario. If anything, all three of these characters should go back to being single. Never mind that Tom and Ann have no chemistry whatsoever, but Ann acknowledges she's been better since breaking up with Chris. If Tom is planning on growing up and losing the swagger, shouldn't he be with someone who appreciates that? Shouldn't Chris learn to be on his own for a little while and realize that life knocks you on your ass and you'd better find some better ways to deal with it? Can't Ann just let these two poor guys move on for good? There's no spinning here, this is the one weak spot in Parks and Rec's otherwise great episode. Thankfully, there was nothing even remotely close to bad about Ron, April, and Andy's storyline. Given the fancy duty of holding a donor fundraising party at their house, Ron supplied his famous ribs and Andy and April supplied their cable. Well, they would have if Andy had remembered to pay the cable bill. Of course, this is a resourceful bunch, especially in a pinch Andy killed time by re-telling and reenacting some of his favorite movies, including Road House, Rambo, and Babe, while Ron climbed a telephone poll to rig up some free cable in time for the debate. (Andy accidentally kicking the TV in a fit of excitement and Ron keeping an eye out for police atop the poll made for some of the best physical comedy moments in the show's history.) With just two more episodes to go in the roller coaster Season 4, here's hoping Leslie pulls off this underdog victory. Not only because she so richly deserves it, but because the show does, too. If Leslie continues to evolve in her personal and professional life, the other characters will follow suit. (Just look at how much April has changed and grown during this campaign.) Here are some of the best highlights and lines from last night's Parks and Rec "The Debate": - Andy's excited victory cry in preparation for Team Leslie. - April's $100 lap dances. - All of Andy's reenactments and Donna's priceless reaction. - The promise of a "fully functional mall on Jupiter by 2013." - Jerry watching the debate with a group of nuns with no explanation whatsoever. - Bobby making a graceless exit, in every sense of the word, after the debate - "I can't believe our house is going to be full of rich people named Darling and Todd and Rick"- Andy, on holding a donor party.  - "I know. We sleep in the same bed, it's been hell"- Ben to Leslie regarding her debate dreams with Bobby.  - "Ron Swanson."- Ron's closing statement. Ron. Freakin'. Swanson. - "We like to dabble. I recently invested in some shirts I got at a garage sale. Left 'em at Wendy's on the way home" - Andy's attempt to talk finances at their donor party. - "Nothing gets me more amped than Sarah McLachlan"- Leslie - "I love you and I like you"- Ben and Leslie's declaration to each other. (The feeling is mutual, guys.) - "This question about public safety comes from Twitter, because apparently that's something that happens now" - Joan, during the debate.  - "How do we fix this town? I have no idea. You tell me."- Bobby Newport (Runner-up: His stance on abortion – "Let's all have a good time!") So does Leslie have this thing in the bag or will Pawnee continue to stay sweet(ums) on Bobby Newport? Do you agree that Ann, Chris, and Tom all need to call it quits? Are Andy and Ron Swanson the greatest things to ever happen to television? (The answer to that last one is "Yes, of course!") Sound off in the comments section below! Follow Aly on Twitter @AlySemigran.  [Photo credit: NBC] More: Parks and Rec-ap: Everything's Zen? I Don't Think So. Parks and Rec is Back! What We Hope to See Before the Season Finale Parks and Rec Stars Film Three Finales
  • '30 Rock' Cast Plays Charades on 'Fallon' –– VIDEO
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 26, 2012
    Of course Tina Fey would be good at Charades. The actress/writer/all-around damn funny lady was great on her toes for nine seasons on Saturday Night Live, so it would only make sense for her to dominate the improv-friendly game. (Okay, Jimmy Fallon, what's your excuse?) The 41-year-old stopped by her SNL alum's Late Night with Jimmy Fallon with her 30 Rock cast mates Alec Baldwin, Jack McBrayer, Tracy Morgan, and Jane Krakowski for a few rounds on Wednesday night. Tina, paired up with Alec and Jack, all but destroyed Team Jimmy (Jenna and Charlton Heston's great nephew Tracy) thanks to her ability to mime LMFAO songs with a one sexy movement and guess Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close from a single hint. She was so good she even tried to help her struggling opponents. (C'mon, everyone knows "Pour Some Sugar On Me" is a strip club song!) Watch the Charades face-offs below, in which Tracy enjoys his first time on a couch and assumes every clue is Shawshank Redemption. Okay, so at least Tina and the rest of the gang are probably going to be ready for their 30 Rock live show tonight. </ifram<p></p></center></center> More: 30 Rock, Bridesmaids, and Modern Family Lead Comedy Awards Tina Fey Says 30 Rock End is Nigh: The Series' Aging Timeline 30 Rock Recap: We Need To Talk About Kevins
  • Miss Lohan Goes to Washington: LiLo to Attend Correspondents Dinner
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 26, 2012
    Every dinner party has one: Rachel Getting Married had Rachel, The Office had Jan. This particular dinner party, however, just happens to include the President of the United States of America and some more of the most powerful people in entertainment and politics. So Lindsay Lohan might want to be on her best behavior when she attends the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday. Invited as a guest of Fox's Greta Van Susteren (who was responsible for letting Kim Kardashian in last year) the 25-year-old will be among the Washington and Hollywood elite, including George Clooney, Steven Spielberg, Daniel Day-Lewis, Reese Witherspoon, Charlize Theron, Stevie Wonder, Viola Davis, President Obama’s senior campaign adviser David Axelrod and, of course, President Barack Obama himself. Lohan's rep told in a statement, "Lindsay is obviously extremely excited to attend this event with Shawn [Holley, her attorney] at the kind invitation of Greta and her husband." Of course, even more fun than speculating how Lohan will react to emcee Jimmy Kimmel's inevitable jabs (whatever you do, LiLo, don't follow the cue of last year's ultimate party pooper Donald Trump) is wondering where they'll seat the Mean Girls star. Will they put Lohan (whose ex Samantha Ronson attended 2011's dinner) at the kids table alongside the likes of fellow first-time guests Josh Hutcherson and Zooey Deschanel? Or will they really shake things up and seat her alongside Attorney General Eric Holder, National Security Adviser Tom Donilon and Army Chief of Staff Gen. Ray Odierno. Imagine that dinner banter, if you will. Go ahead, I'll give you a few minutes. Though, to be fair, she and Clooney might have more talking points than anyone else there. [Politico] [Image: Wenn] More: Lindsay Lohan: 'I Know I'm Great' as Liz Taylor Lindsay Lohan Ages 25 Years in 60 Seconds – VIDEO Lindsay Lohan is Free...Kind Of
  • Michael Fassbender Melts Writers' Brains with His Hotness: The 5 Craziest Examples
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 25, 2012
    As someone who has admittedly written some pretty crazy things about the hotness enigma that is Michael Fassbender, I get how other writers might go overboard with trying to put him into words. (How can an attractive land shark also be a charming and sexy Golden Globe-nominated actor? The mind boggles.) Vogue's Vicki Woods is the latest to join the increasing lineage of journalists who have come across the 35-year-old star that have attempted to articulate the Irish/German actor beyond "What?...But how?....So handsome." In the May issue of Vogue (which features fellow jaw-dropping stunner Scarlett Johansson on the cover, so there's really something for everybody) Fassbender is described as being so damn hot that "he sucks all the air out of the room, mesmerizing even the preschoolers in strollers." That's right, not even babies can resist the chiseled good looks of Fassy. "His voice is as deep and gravelly as Harrison Ford’s, his carriage as upright and intense as Daniel Day-Lewis’s, the blue/green/gray eyes as attention-grabbing as Paul Newman’s," she goes on to write about the Prometheus star, noting that the women in the cafe where they were conducting their interview were staring at him so intently she became "unhinged." (And you guys thought Ryan Gosling was making your life difficult.) But Vogue is hardly the first publication to go absolutely gaga for the Shame star. Here's some other times when Robo-Fass has caused writers to meltdown in his very presence: 1. GQ named Fassbender one of the Men of the Year for 2011 and noted in their piece on him that, "women pass out in movie theaters when the actor comes on-screen" and argued that the actor "is so handsome that it's almost tacky." 2. British GQ warned about their February cover lad: "If your girlfriend/wife/partner significant other doesn't already want to sleep with Michael Fassbender, she will at any moment." 3. W magazine put Fassy on their cover as well (along with some revealing photos on the inside – bonus!) and alerted readers that, "Though in person Fassbender’s blue eyes contain mischief and an infectious lightness, they mask what is often a brooding, secretive darkness on film, along with a startling intensity." 4. UK's Company magazine swooned that Fassbender "looks exactly like he does on-screen – angular and handsome. He has the sculpted features of a 1940s matinee idol, and those lovely Irish blue-grey eyes...OMG those eyes!" 5. Entertainment Weekly declared Fassbender "your next obsession" and said he "comes across on screen and off as a rakish throwback to a long-lost generation of bad-boy actors like Peter O'Toole and Richard Burton — macho men who seem to know their way around the barroom and the bedroom. And if that isn't enough, there's also this: He knows how to make an entrance." What's craziest (albeit accurate) thing you've ever read about Michael Fassbender? Was it the time his Jane Eyre co-star Mia Wasikowska said even the horses on set got a little horny around him? How would you be able to describe him, besides, of course "homina-homina-homina"? Just try to! [Photo credit: David Edwards- © 2012- All Rights Reserved] More: Michael Fassbender Turns the Big 3-5 Michael Fassbender's 'Manhood' Gets A-List Praise Michael Fassbender and Charlize Theron in Prometheus – PHOTOS
  • Beyoncé Named 'Most Beautiful Woman': Was Adele Robbed?
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 25, 2012
    Let's first state the incredibly obvious: Beyoncé Knowles is an unfathomably beautiful woman. She is talented, graceful, and smart with drop-dead good looks to boot. We should, be all means, hate her and yet no one does. If that's not a testament to the power of Beyoncé, nothing is. She was one of the most gorgeous women in the whole world before she had that new mom glow about her and now looks better than ever gracing the cover of People magazine's Most Beautiful issue. But does that mean the 30-year-old superstar deserved the accolade this year? Last November the Internet all but shut down when the handsome-enough, but not Ryan Gosling-enough actor Bradley Cooper was declared the Sexiest Man Alive in a year that all that belonged to the Drive star/real hero. If there was any other celebrity who had just as big a year as Gosling, it was the stunning, chart-topping, Grammy-sweeping phenomenon that is Adele. So would it have been more fitting, and daring for that matter, for People to have picked the beautiful 23-year-old? (Plus: In your face, Karl Lagerfeld.) Granted, even suggesting that Adele would be the daring choice is something of a disservice to Beyoncé. Like the younger, powerhouse superstar, Beyoncé in no way fits the mold of typical magazine cover girl standards. Of course, Adele wasn't the only star "robbed" of the Most Beautiful title: Gosling could have just as easily taken the crown (the magazine has issued the bragging right to male celebrities in the past), not to mention his handsome brethren like Joe Manganiello, Michael Fassbender, Jon Hamm, or Channing Tatum. But, what do you think? Who would you have picked? Was Beyoncé the right choice or was this Adele's turn? Take our poll below and sound off in the comments section!  Adele Beauty More: People Magazine's Most Beautiful Woman – It's Beyoncé Beyoncé and Jay-Z Release Photos of Blue Ivy Beyoncé Joins Twitter
  • 'New Girl' Recap: Let's Call The Whole Thing Off
    By: Aly Semigran Apr 25, 2012
    I stand corrected, fellow New Girl fans. In last week's recap I mistakenly declared "Kids" as the first season's penultimate episode. Maybe it's because all that Cece and Schmidt baby drama felt like it was leading up to one big romantic cliffhanger but really it was just laying the ground work for something else. (For the record, the New Girl season finale is actually slated for May 8! Thanks, Internet!) Love was in the air during last night's penultimate penultimate episode titled "Tomatoes": Winston and Shelby were flaunting theirs; Cece and Schmidt were, once again, denying theirs; Jess and Russell were losing theirs; and Nick, well, he was just losing it. Perhaps the roof wasn't the best place for the lost and troubled Nick to make a speech in front of all his coupled-up friends to announce his new life as a tomato farmer. Well, a tomato planter on the roof of an L.A. loft. But, you know, tomato, tomahto. The venture, like most things in Nick's life, fell spectacularly apart.  One would think that after the whole Julia cactus debacle, Nick would have stayed far away from any type of planting, but this is a man desperate to find something, anything to anchor him while he's drowning. Of course, those poor tomatoes were drowning, too. So it was only a matter of time that after another failed attempt at adulthood and being surrounded by couples that -- gardening metaphor! -- the seeds would be planted for another huge mistake. (I know, gardening metaphors are in no way cooler than an 80s movie freeze frames. Freeze frame!) After last week's pregnancy scare and proposal misfire, Cece and Schmidt were back on being a couple in total denial of their feelings for each other. Cece claimed she wanted to pump the brakes on their relationship after their near-plunge into adulthood, but that's not really what she wanted at all. Neither did Schmidt for that matter. So he did what any guy who has had an entire jay devoted to his douchery would do: He dated her bizarre, rail-thin Russian model roommate Nadia who refers to him as "The Jewish." Surprisingly enough, nobody contributed to the Douche Jar, but boy, did they both pay. Cece realized she could be letting her chance at true love slip away and into the bony arms of someone who cannot properly identify Mickey Mouse and Schmidt, well...Schmidt broke his penis while having sex with Nadia. Let this be a lesson to men everywhere, if you date your quasi-girlfriend's hot roommate, your penis will break. The more you know. The whole traumatic incident eventually brought Cece and Schmidt back together and the pair exchanged "I like you"s under the strangely forgiving glow of florescent hospital lights. It was cute and sweet and decidedly un-Schmidt, even with that yoga pants remark. While plenty of New Girl fans, myself included, are waiting for the inevitable Nick and Jess hookup (way more on that in a bit) I have to wonder how much anyone wants Cece and Schmidt to work, though. The pair running around in secret made from some of the show's best lines and gags all season and, as Jess learned the hard way in "Control", a non-douchey Schmidt is a Schmidt divided. Being in "like" with Cece has turned Schmidt decidedly un-douchey guy (he didn't even pronounce anything insanely last night) and that was why we fell in love with him, in spite of his douchiness, in the first place. That's not to say Cece and Schmidt don't deserve to fall in love and evolve as characters, but let's just hope that love or like or whatever-I-don't-like-labels doesn't turn them into Winston and Shelby. Next: Winston and Shelby are that couple. Winston and Shelby have turned into "that couple." You know that couple. Maybe you are that couple. Fresh in the honeymoon phase filled with sex and sandwiches and finding any excuse to mention them in conversation ("Shelby loves birds!"). It's a little bit easier to be happy for the annoyingly over-the-moon Winston and Shelby though, as neither have quite the same impact on the show as Cece and Schmidt. It wasn't easy for Nick to be happy for his buddy though, as he felt abandoned by his partner in crime for a lady friend. Hey, look on the bright side, Nick, Winston actually had a useful storyline this week! Meanwhile, Jess was considering her own happiness in her relationship with Russell. (The sexy and charming Dermot Mulroney.) Sure he is fancy, sure he has "a jaw that could cut glass", sure he's the man Nick is meant to grow old with, but something was missing. Jess and Russell's age and class difference has certainly played a part in why their relationship, no matter how cute it may be, has problems. While neither of those things proved to be deal breakers, Jess had a glass-shattering revelation about their coupling: There was no passion. It's undeniable that she and Russell have chemistry and a good time together (anybody down for a game of True Americans is a keeper) but after running into his ex-wife Ouli (a returning Jeanne Tripplehorn) in the steam room at her gym, Jess made for an even more uncomfortable revelation than being hugged in the nude by your boyfriend's ex-wife. During a terribly awkward dinner with the three (perpetual peacemaker Jess' idea, of course) she watches as Ouli and Russell fall back into the same routines that people who have a deep passion, for better or worse, with one another. Russell and Ouli ping-pong between wanting to rip into each other and well, wanting to rip into each other, a connection she and Mr. Fancyman are noticeably lacking. But Russell is done with irrational, complicated love. (He likens his relationship to Ouli as getting "closer and closer to a wood chipper", a sentiment all-too-familiar for anyone who's ever been in a couple like that.) He is an older and wiser and fancier man and understandably wants someone uncomplicated to settle down with. On paper, Jess should be that woman. But, as she explains to Russell in his Batmobile right before their bittersweet breakup, she wants "passion, even if it's harder and it hurts more." While Russell is now out of the picture, that didn't mean there wasn't room in the loft for an unexpected guest. After a blissful Winston waxed poetic to Nick about giving his relationship with Shelby another chance, the little boy lost interpreted that as "call your ex-girlfriend Caroline, the woman who broke your heart and left you the bumbling mess you've become." Which, much to the shock and disappointment to a newly single Jess, is exactly what he did. The two hashed it out in a screaming match in the hallway, complete with pinpoint accurate jabs ("You don't have the patience or courage to be alone") and low blows ("You know what I would love to hear from you? Silence!") and ridiculous petty remarks ("Stop making that face at me!") and angry butt shaking that only two people who have crazy, irrational, unstoppable passion have together. Season finale, you just got a whole lot more interesting. Other highlights from "Tomatoes" - Nick's meltdown being propelled by his crappy love life and the fact that the downstairs neighbors blocked their Wifi password. - Nick immediately dropping a watering can into his tomato plant. Way to plant, Nick! - Jess' awkward renditions of Cheap Trick's "Surrender." - Nadia's American likes include: Despicable Me, Tosh 2.0, Connect 4, freedom of speech, David Fincher, "Yo' Momma" jokes, Wilmer Valderrama, and ice skating for fun." - Nick telling Winston to "git" off his farm. (For a moment there it felt like Nick and Winston had turned into the Rick and Shane of New Girl and Winston was going to have to kill Nick on a farm even more boring than his.) - Nickston Miller, the joint dating site account created by Nick and Winston with an impressive track record of zero dates. - Nick referring to Jess' pajamas as "pajama outfits." - "She was kicked out of Russia, Cece. Russia!" - Jess, to Cece - "Beautiful women. You guys can say just about anything can't you?"- Schmidt, to Nadia - "You look like one of the guys who crawls out of the grave in the 'Thriller' video" - Winston, to an even schlubbier Nick - "Sandwiches and sex? I want that!"- Nick (Don't we all?) - "That's me!"- Nadia, finding herself in a magazine - "I think I finally understand The Tree of Life"- Schmidt, during his out-of-body penis-breaking experience - "Put on your stupid flannel and keep not living up to your potential!"- Jess, to Nick mid-fight - "You bought a ticket, take a ride"- Nick, to Jess (We're on board! Let's go, guys!) What did you think of last night's New Girl? Is Caroline back for good or simply a temporary roadblock on the way to Nick and Jess? Will we get douchey Schmidt back? Better yet, do we want him back? Sound off in the comments section! [Photo credit: Fox] Follow Aly on Twitter @AlySemigran More: New Girl Recap: Bringing Up Baby New Girl Recap: True, Young Americans New Girl, Glee, and Raising Hope Renewed by Fox