Author

Anna Brand
Anna Brand officially began her career in journalism when she landed her first internship at the now-defunct Jane magazine (RIP). Since then, she's tackled everything from celebrity interviews and entertainment news to home décor and fashion trends. Reporting was her jam until she was matched with her biggest thrill, headline writing. Now, Anna edits the homepage for Hollywood.com, where she crafts teasing copy so that all you people will click on our stories! When she's not in the office, Anna can be found gossiping about Bravo's Housewives like they're her friends, studying Oliver Hudson's jawline, and channeling Joey Potter while watching old Dawson's Creek episodes.
  • 'Nashville' Recap: Battle of the Bronzed Arms and Gold Glitter
    By: Anna Brand Nov 28, 2012
    It's been some time since we spent the night with our deranged Nashville friends, but not to worry — this week's drama makes up for the absence. For the first time together, Rayna and Juliette get their hairs sprayed, eyes shadowed and lips plumped with toxic gloss for the giant country stage. And it's glorious.  But before we get into all the clichés of the episode, let's backtrack a tad. Juliette found a new man... sort of. He's this buff NFL star, who also happens to be creepilyin touch with his faith (which basically means he doesn't shoplift). She likes him and his goody-goody ways, and all goes well until the paparazzi comes at them at the end of the night and he loses his cool. Now, photos of him looking totally roofied are out and things are bound to get ugly… again. Meanwhile, Avery is still pissing the hell out of everyone. After getting in the way of Scar and Gunnar's big meeting, he took his swollen ego to some cougar bar and leapt at the chance to bang some mystery manager lady. Of course, Teddy is a lying ass. It's unclear as to the details, but it's all very shady — and includes a woman who may or may not have birthed his secret children (just a theory). Politics. And then there's Ray and Dea: always fighting, always still loving each other. So, should we just get into it? Bad News for Kryptonite Juliette is having a grand time lounging poolside with her new pinchable football lover. She doesn't even lift her face from his boyish cheeks when her manager comes out to grab her for a pow wow. It's young love, and she can't be bothered. Mister Grouch tells J that her canoodling isn't getting her anywhere good after that shoplifting incident. In fact, instead of the positive publicity everyone thought it would bring, it's actually doing the opposite. Plus, all of his lunatic football fans are blaming her for his poor performance. But she won't turn her back on love, no way. Not in this moment, where everything feels right and his touch is still innocent and calming. She's just not having it. But before she can walk away, Grouch says they have to meet with the record label immediately. Something has come up. When they finally arrive at the obnoxiously long table opposite Marshall Evans, the grey-haired label man, J finds out she'll only be performing one song for the label's anniversary concert. And it won't be alone. She and Ray are taking the stage together — and there's no way out. Rating: 5/10, because you knowany girl as delusional as J would somehow find a way to bring her boy-toy to the meeting. And make him stand up for her. Withdrawal No, no, no, not Deacon! Though, based on his potential relapse he may be… Anyway, no, I'm talking about Teddy! So, here's the thing. Teddy's been framed. Sort of. Remember that time he met that lady who used to scheme with him (and could be the mother of his children) in a car, and then by the water? And then they hugged? And kissed on the cheek? And talked closely? Well Coleman, his opponent, got his hands on the photos and presented them to slimy Ted. But he's not ready to give up without a fight. Nope. He's taking this one into his own hands and figuring it out. Well, not quite – he goes to daddy-in-law, Lamar. Rating: 9/10, because Teddy is such a twerp, it's no surprise he'd squirm and go running to his d*ckhead "boss" aka "dad." Wildcard at Heart Rayna brings her new edgy producer Liam McGuinness to rehearsals for the big anniversary night, then she runs into Deacon. She sees his faded sleeping tee, and can't help but fall right back into her dream. That heavy moment when she and Dea shared inches on her tempur pedic tasting each other's sweet breath. She can barely hear him when he calls her a "wildcard at heart," talking about Liam on the surface, but we all know what's going on. We sure do. But before Ray can tug at his Movember stache, she's interrupted by news that Juliette will be joining her on stage for the closing act. Hell to the NO way is she accepting that. But once Liam tells her that J has a nice rack and knows how to "play the game" the claws come out and the party is on. Let's do this. Rating: 8/10, because there's no way Ray could walk away from a challenge like that. Letting Loose, Bound to Lose Scarlett is ready to be a ho. Her time has come. Ever since Avery shacked up with the cougar, Scar's been on her own, chillin' at the Bluebird, reminiscing about all the times she put on an apron and made him dinner in nice linen. The good times, you know? Well, now it's just her, and she's here to strut some sass. So she turns to what any other girl with a skank wish turns to: tequila. There she goes, ripping away shots that would put her ex-alcoholic (fingers crossed) uncle Deacon to shame. She's about to have some FUN! Finally! There's even a cute boy trying to dance with her, complimenting her sweet singing voice. HE EVEN KISSES HER. But before we can get to the good stuff, Gunnar's raging jealousy comes flying out of the corner. He can't bear to see his innocent singing-partner-slash-soulmate getting sucked on by some dweeb in a dive bar. Scar is so embarrassed by her behavior that she sprints out of the bar. She runs and runs and runs until her hair falls flat and her blush smears below her cheekbones. She feels lost in a town she knows like the back of her hand. She doesn't know where she is anymore, until the door opens… and she's in Avery's home. No surprise she runs back into the arms of her d-bag ex-boyfriend, but he's not alone. OF COURSE he's not alone. The cougar says "hello." Rating: 10/10, because it was only a matter of time before Scar ran back to her ex – and it's unfortunately the biggest cliché of all. The All-Nighter After hours and hours of cat-scratching and bullying, Rayna and Juliette come to a quasi agreement: They're going to co-write a song that they can both call their own. Ray pops over to J's house unannounced like they're old pals ready for a slumber party, and gets the notepad out. She means business. Before they both know it, they're bonding over Deacon, kind of, and toying with the idea of a morning vodka bevy. These two are carazayyy! Rating: 3/10, because there's no way Ray would give in like that and share a yellow pad with her nemesis. And there's no way the label would allow for such short notice on their biggest night in 25 years. #Whatever. Shiny Gold Glitter Rayna and Juliette take the stage for their long-awaited performance. Their heels high, hair teased and glittered dresses a'sparklin'. Their song is the perfect mix of rock and country, and the two actually look like pals in that big, bright spotlight. The crowd goes wild at their dangling earrings and bronzed arms and they certainly steal the show. As for Deacon, well, he's still up for grabs. Rating: 5/10, because certainly no one can believe these two have become friends so easily. Or, was it all just for show?… [Image Credit: Chris Hollo/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Nashville' Get's Full-Season Order, Y'all! 'Nashville' Recap: Private Jets and Cougar Bars 'Nashville' Recap: Secrets, Bribes, and Skinny Dipping You Might Also Like: ’Two and a Half Men’ Star Says Sorry: Sincere or Lame Apology? ’X-Men’ Sequel: Huge Casting News!
  • 'Apt. 23' Recap: The Emotional Sacagawea
    By: Anna Brand Nov 21, 2012
    Thanksgiving episodes can be scary. If not done in the right way, you're left with a bad, old, fatty Turkey and aluminum-like Cranberry taste. A sappy and all "I'm thankful for family" plot line is almost as bad as the trifle. Luckily for us, The B doesn't allow for any sappiness or genuine hugging. There will be no tears or belly laughs or gift-giving. Only cold hearts and sarcasm, the meat of any family holiday, wouldn't you say? Quite honestly, this 'Don't Trust the B' episode may just be the best Thanksgiving episode in the history of Thanksgiving episodes. So, let's get started. Chloe has a Thanksgiving tradition. No, it doesn't involve football or cozy sweatshirts or a heaping plate of sweet mashed potatoes. Instead, she rings all the married men she's slept with over the past year and plays clever little pranks on them. Cute messages like, "Did you see the parade? Get tested!" and "There's a baby inside me!" It's a fun game, really, and one that actually has a good purpose. When Junebug says she's appalled at Chloe's favorite pastime, the B simply says that these men don't deserve to play the "Family Man" one day a year, while sleeping around every other day. She kind of has a point, no? And anyway, Chloe hates Thanksgiving so it doesn't really matter to her if she's ruining the lives of dozens of people. She hates how everyone is fake and the fact that Ugg boots suddenly become acceptable (RIGHT?!). She'd much rather be shoplifting bandage dresses and hair dye and small children. Anything to keep her away from a fuzzy moment. But you see, June is different. Thanksgiving is her absolute all-time favorite holiday. But she's poor. She's so poor she can't afford a blowout or decent pair of jeans or a flight home to see her family. Whatever will she do? As if sent from the land of dreams and double rainbows, Dawson and sidekick enter revealing their plans to volunteer at only the coolest homeless shelter. It's super exclusive – it's the 78th Street shelter for crying out loud! – so unfortunately June is not invited. No way. Even Dawson had to sign up a year in advance to get on the soup pouring list. And so June is left to walk the streets, helping out where she can. But not even the one-legged homeless man sprawled on the sidewalk wants her help. See, he's gluten-free now and June's basket full of white carbs is like satan's wish. June just can't catch a break. In fact, when she simply tries to help her elderly neighbor with her groceries, the woman cries "RAPE" so loudly her husband comes running out and slams a can into dear June's face. She's not having a very good day. Not at all. But that's not going to stop her. She won't rest until she helps someone. And Chloe is prepared to take advantage of that. PHOTOS: TV's Most Ridiculous Apartments The B convinces June that the best and essentially only way to have a good Thanksgiving while helping others is to go to an Indian casino and gamble away all of her money. June's blackjack skills are far from stellar, but she doesn't care. Giving away money to Indians on Thanksgiving sounds perfectly fine to her. So the two hop in a cab and before June knows it, they're pulled up in front of a house in suburbia with no casino in sight. That's right, Chloe has brought them to her parents' house, where they'll be stuck well into Black Friday (which by the way doesn't mean the day to bone black men). The only problem is June totally banged Chloe's dad while he was "on a break" from his cripple wife and she hasn't talked to him since. Chloe demands that June hop in a wheelchair she just so happened to have handy, telling June that she's informed her whole family that her roommate is also crippled. Because why the hell not. She deems her "emotional Sacagawea" and now there's really no turning back. Chloe pushes June up to her house and in they roll for what's high up there on the most demented and awkward family Thanksgivings in pop culture history. There are strangers lurking in the dining room dressed as present-day pilgrims maybe, but no one cares about them. Nope. All there is to care about is Chloe's blood red spandex dress and her dad's peppered hair and chiseled jawline. He sees June – I mean, it's hard to miss her in that wheelchair – calls her "handsome" and then skips away. Typical. Chloe's mom, however, extends a helping hand to her fellow cripple and goes in for a big, bizarre embrace involving tampon holders or something. While June rolls through the house, pounding wine and cursing Chloe's dad's existence, Chloe is popping "ibuprofen" like any other normal twentysomething girl home for the holidays. Just when you think things couldn't get any more buckwild, June falls to the ground at the table after everyone says Grace (which included a Syracuse basketball shoutout, whatwhat), but before shouting into her wine cup  "I’m Sacajawea. I’m on a coin. I’m money, bitch!" and then stands up on her two working feet and claims a Thanksgiving miracle. Oh, and everyone finds out she's the "whore" who nearly broke up Chloe's parents' marriage. The guests turns down to their plates experiencing what can only be utter shock and the comfort of f***ed up holiday gatherings at the same time. Stuffing for everyone! PHOTOS: The Best Bitchfaces on TV Back at the homeless shelter, Dawson is SO OVER being a volunteer. GOD he is annoyed. How STUPID of an idea was this. He even peaces out after the paps snap a few photos of him half-serving people. But of course guards from the shelter come to his apartment to bring him back, because that would obviously happen. He whips back on his soft leather jacket with embellished lining and heads back to the exclusive 78th St. shelter. He's going to try again, he hopes to convince himself. Joey will see these photos. And then she will be mine forever. But it's all too much for our creek friend. When he's informed that he'll be eating lunch with the plebeians he whines and whines and tries to think of his happy place. He finally takes a seat across from a young boy who begins telling a tale of his poverty, only Dawson can't concentrate. All he can do is think about the potential turkey tendon he's chewing on and the cup of "orange drink" that's smeared with lipstick. Ah, so many things to be thankful for. We end up with no real resolution, no table lined with beautiful food and certainly no happy ending. And don't you think it's sometimes better that way? Sound off in the comments below! [Image Credit: Kelsey McNeal/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Apt. 23' Recap: Dawson Leery's Funeral This 'Bitch' Is Gonna Be Your New Best Friend 'Apt. 23' Recap: Dawson Leery Is Sexiest Man Alive?! You Might Also Like: Jennifer Lawrence Bikinis in Hawaii (PICS) Best and Worst of the Thanksgiving Parade
  • Mourning the Death of Tami Taylor
    By: Anna Brand Nov 15, 2012
    What happened was truly devastating. I'm talking about when Tami Taylor died Wednesday night on Nashville. Her long, strawberry blonde locks flowing in the wind as she glanced in the distance at her past, ready to give up on everything she'd worked so hard for. A past that consisted of southern football, unexpected pregnancies, strong women, and a wet dream of a husband started flashing before her eyes as she glanced over at Teddy and Deacon, knowing fully well they'd never quite measure up. And who could blame her? If I had to start a new life where I wasn't held consistently by Coach Eric Taylor I might have ended it all, too. And it wouldn't have taken me until episode six. But she couldn't go through with it. She thought she could bear to stand a life in Nashville a bit longer in Rayna James' skin. She was going to live, she thought. But Rayna had other plans. There she was, in her new producer's rundown barn-like studio, drinking whiskey like a drunk at a hoedown and blacking out into the abyss. Rayna had decided then and there it was time to end the life of Tami Taylor. See, It was tricky. Rayna had so much to live up to being permanently placed in Tami Taylor's shadow. The woman other women looked up to and the woman men hoped to end up with. She was the perfect "Cool Girl" and not in the creepy Gone Girl way, but in an actual "cool girl" way. So, naturally when Tami Taylor landed the role of the almost-as-good-but-certainly-not-the-same country singing Rayna James in Nashville, many were hopeful. Could Tami Taylor live on? Would she be like the sassy, yet lovable wife-slash-mother-slash-teacher-slash-slash-slash who never bailed on her family and always said the right things at the right time? I know I prayed it would be so. I prayed to clear eyes and full hearts and Riggins' long dirty hair. And then the unthinkable happened: She reappeared. It was like Tami Taylor never left us. Rayna wore her cowboy boots and graceful walk just right. She was back. Sort of. The loving wife, the frisky singer, the cool-headed business woman. Everything seemed the same. Once I forgot about the meh-ness of her new men (Deacon is hot, but he doesn't have a varsity letter jacket), I was happy just enjoying a faux Tami Taylor presence, albeit with more hairspray. But she wasn't happy, you see. Rayna felt trapped, trapped in a world where even her husband went home to watch Friday Night Lights, willing back the real Tami. Don't you get it? Rayna's anxiety, the stress she burdened the first five episodes, it wasn't about Juliette Barnes. Not at all. It was about Tami Taylor. It was all about her fear of never living up to the unreachable standard. And so she did the only thing she could think of to put a stop to it all. No one will ever EVER call me Tami Taylor again her mind started racing. Say goodbye. When Rayna started whipping back shots and grabbing the mic like a teenage girl at her first karaoke bar I knew it was over. The liquor swallowed Tami Taylor's country curves and spit back a more reckless Rayna. A woman that will clearly no longer resemble the Taminess we obsessively held onto. If only we weren't so greedy, I keep thinking. If only we let glimpses of Tami in and out, without needing more. Wanting more. Would Rayna let Tami stay forever? We can't think like that. JUST STOP IT. We can't go back in time, can we? We have to accept what's already been done. As Rayna looked down into her soul at Tami, she winked, threw her hair over her left shoulder and sucked all the "y'alls" out of her. See you on DVD, Tami. May you rest in peace. [Image Credit: NBC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Nashville' Get's Full-Season Order, Y'all! 'Nashville' Recap: Private Jets and Cougar Bars 'Nashville' Recap: Secrets, Bribes, and Skinny Dipping From Our Partners: Giuliana and Bill Rancic Planning for Baby No. 2: ‘I Would Love a Girl,’ Says E Host (Celebuzz) Kate Upton Flaunts Major Cleavage in Vogue’s November Issue — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)
  • 'Nashville' Recap: Private Jets and Cougar Bars
    By: Anna Brand Nov 14, 2012
    Posing With the Animals Juliette Barnes (Hayden Panettiere) has to make up for that shoplifting situation. Remember? That time she went to CVS or whatever and paid for chips and candy, but not the cheap nail polish? She threw polish in her bag and waltzed away, but not before getting videotaped. So, here we are, at the zoo, posing with the animals. Juliette's publicist is all, "Say hi to the adorable NFL quarterback who is here for fun just because he actually likes the cute animals" (like most living, breathing humans). But Juliette is absolutely repulsed by this. "He's here for fun?" she questions. As if. But of course, once she gets a closer look at his perfect jawline and innocent eyes, she's all smitten. Forget the "rodent" climbing all over her curly locks. Forget everything! This is going to be her big turnaround. Sweating a nice guy who also just happens to look awesome in tight pants? What could be better? Rating: 8/5, because really, what could be better?  The Unlikable Underdog I'm just going to say what we've all been thinking: Avery f**king blows. He's not as cute as Gunnar or Deacon. He's definitely not as nice as Gunnar or Deacon. And it's clear he's not as talented as Gunnar or Deacon. But he's still freakin' around. He just won't go away. He's hanging on Scarlett like she's a coat rack from the clearance section of T.J. Maxx. He uses her for her almost-fame. And also, what's with that stupid choker necklace? I mean, honestly, what in the hell is that? Anyway, so Avery gets a gig or something at a bar that isn't the Bluebird and is all like, "This is my big break!" After his performance, he goes over to some big shot and tries to woo him, only the dude really isn't all that interested. He's not, but the cougar to his left is. Oh, she's interested all right. She can't get the image of Avery sweating on stage out of her mind. Sweating the good stuff. The young stuff. So, she's going to undress him help him out, she thinks. Make him a big star. And he can barely answer her. He's too excited at the prospect of sleeping with a filthy brunette to get the words "hell yes" out. Rating: 9, because where there's a young hot male musician, there's a middle-aged "manager" with an agenda. When All Else Fails, Change Rayna James (Connie Britton) is getting kind of boring. I'm sorry, but she is. She's wearing weird big dresses from Annie Sez or something and singing the same damn tunes with the same damn band. She needs something big, something that's going to get her ahead of the country curve. So she seeks the help of big-time music producer, Liam McGuinnis. She's got a vision of him changing her sound and her image and like Tami Taylor, she's not taking "no" for an answer. Even after he compares her to a mom in an SUV — which hello, she's driving a Range Rover — she goes back for more. But things aren't looking so good. He's still not buying that she can be hot and young and fun and sexy. So she does what any woman on the cusp of a breakdown does: grabs the whiskey. They take shots and shots and more shots and maybe even body shots until he's so into her they record a song. Sort of. And it's pretty awesome. This is what she wants now, and she'll battle her label until they agree to it. Rating: 6/5, because yes, she wants to feel liberated again, but come on lady. You still have two kids relying on you to get to school in the morning. The Diner Date Don't you miss it? I do. I miss ordering chocolate chip pancakes at 2 am with boys and talking about high school and drinking full fat Coronas and screwdrivers, the two drinks I knew of during diner days. Juliette's "date" with the hunky quarterback isn't much different. Okay, so there are no pancakes, but still. You might have even forgotten about the time she banged Deacon after knowing him for all of 30 seconds. Or the time she seduced her producer or whatever and then molested him in the coat closet. Yep, this time is different. She's, dare I say, acting her age. Almost. Minus the whole, "Let's go somewhere in my fancy jet" thing. Rating: 10, because for once, Juliette is so close to being a normal twentysomething girl. And even she can't stop it. Campaign Madness Oh Teddy. My dear Teddy. What am I going to do with you? You're so close to being dead, I think. I don't know what's going to happen. What I do know is your combover and polo shirts would not last a minute in jail. The campaign is a mess, first of all. He is behind in the polls, surprise, surprise, and his sweet father-in-law is not happy about it. Teddy can make all the pretty speeches he wants, but the problem is he's got a past. A past that is about to shake Nashville so hard Lamar's toupee is in danger. So what's dear old dad going to do about it? Frame the opponent, that's what! Like the good old days! Some clean fun. He has a cop follow the poor lad to (he says) just hand out a traffic violation, but OMIGODWHATISTHIS the cop finds drugs! How'd they get in the car? I'll just let you guys be the judge on that one. OH, and how could I have forgotten. Teddy's embezzling friend-slash-secret lover-slash-maybe the mother of his secret children (taking a gamble on that one) is going to support his campaign by volunteering! How sweet of her. It makes perfect sense. Best part, the photos of the two of them by the water holding arms and looking all affair-like have been leaked. Yep. They're out there now (well, depending on if his opponent goes through with releasing them, which of course he will) and then there's no turning back. Rating: 9/5, because staying close to a love interest while appearing to be doing good for the community is rule No. 1 in stalking etiquette. Just ask Felicity. New Bars, New Cougars Say goodbye to the Bluebird, people! Well okay, not goodbye forever, but for the time being until Avery is hopefully cut from the show. Remember that woman I was telling you about? The one with the cleavage and the scary eyes? Well, he's agreed to take her up on her offer, even though Deacon already told him to stay away. STAY FAR AWAY IDIOT. But he doesn't. Why would he? And we find out she only signs guys younger than 30 who also sleep with her. Sounds like a good business, to me. I mean seriously, I want that job. Anyway. So we've established he's got nothing to lose at this point. He goes to her home with hopes of a career and maybe a hand job, and though she's willing to do a lot more, some weird conscience thing inside him takes over and he walks out. Rating: 1, because I cannot believe he wouldn't sleep with her. I mean, come on. Avery?! …Guess what? I was right. He went back in. Boom. [Image Credit: ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Nashville' Get's Full-Season Order, Y'all! TCA 2012: 'Nashville' Stars Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere Talk Music (City) ABC Debuts Trailers for 'Nashville' and More -- VIDEO From Our Partners: Giuliana and Bill Rancic Planning for Baby No. 2: ‘I Would Love a Girl,’ Says E Host (Celebuzz) Kate Upton Flaunts Major Cleavage in Vogue’s November Issue — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)
  • 'Apt. 23' Recap: Dawson Leery Is Sexiest Man Alive?!
    By: Anna Brand Nov 14, 2012
    Okay, that doesn't sound right. Right? Right. If you've been been paying attention to the important news of the world, People magazine already revealed the real sexiest man alive, but on Tuesday night's 'Don't Trust the B----' Chloe (Krysten Ritter) had another agenda. Now, let's just forget for a moment that this was one of most blatant and egregious forms of product placement to date, okay? Okay. So, Chloe had hopes of granting James Van Der Beek's wish of nabbing the coveted title. The title that makes all the people of the world fawn all over him, he thinks. That would get Katie Holmes back in his arms, begging for a reunion and one last kiss. All the while, Chloe would still be able to f*** with June (Dreama Walker), since the small-town girl can't quite shake her creepy obsession with winners from past years. It's a win all around for our dear bitch, and she's about to get started. See, June's been getting her hands on People magazine's sexiest man alive issue since she was young enough to know Barbie's Ken doesn't really have a penis. She's been dragging her mom around, drooling over such hotties as Denzel Washington and Jean-Claude Van Damme. She hangs on People's final word before embarking on another year of new obsessions. This is her life, we find out. But she doesn't think Dawson is sexy. Nope. His hair and nose and flannel and the way he skips over with their morning drinks gives her the opposite of throbbies. And she can't accept that Chloe has devised this plan. A plan that would save his life and ruin hers. But can it be done? Of course it can! It's Chloe for crying out loud. If there's anything we know about a cool bitch it's that she always gets her way. Cruella storms into People's offices and immediately fires the first person to ask her a question. And then the next. She proclaims that she's in from their London office and is stepping in as managing editor. She swishes and screams and draws peens on the white board until the rest of the team decides she is in fact their new boss. What kind of crazy person would do otherwise?!?! So Cruella tells them to think outside the box. Think way outside the box. To a creek, perhaps. To a far away land where rope-choker necklaces are the shit and crying in public is freakin' hot. Her minions start scribbling. They know. Cue Dawson on a horse, naked, feeling confused and tingly at the same time. He's having a ball. He will soon be the new "It" man and June can't get enough of it. She is literally shaking off an impending orgasm and consequently suffering from a severe case of blue tubes. She can't control the heat when she sees that dirty blonde scruff and those dopey eyes. Now that Dawson could potentially be in the same sex bucket as George Clooney, Matt Damon and Sean Connery she physically can't handle it. And he loves it. He loves it so much, he's having a blast f****** with her. The heartthrob comes into her room and starts pouring a smoothie on his clothes. "Oops." June convulses. "Better take that shirt off," he says as he unbuttons, revealing his surprisingly chiseled abs. She starts sweating. Next thing you know he's pouring more of his drink on his bare chest and then drops down to do some pushups (four. five. sex. seven) until hopping in the shower holding nothing but a hand towel. Dead. Meanwhile, back in People's conference room, Chloe is whipping things in shape. She's choosing layouts, shrieking in her office, banging on her phone pad, and singling out an insecure editor. (Actually, not the least accurate portrayal of the magazine industry…) June walks in and admits that she is a sheep. She only loves the men People tells her to love and she just can't help it. But that isn't the problem. The problem is that she really does want to take Dawson, rip his clothes off, and make him her boy adventure. And that is exactly what she intends to do. June finds Dawson in the early morning pacing in front of a newsstand, waiting for it to open for business. He can't wait to see his boyish grin on the cover of People magazine. And neither can June. She tells him right there she wants to have sex with him. She wants it now. Dawson grabs her face, bringing her close and pulling her hair, and lands his aggressive lips right on hers. They back away, in shock of what's just happened, but not lusting for more. "Nothing," she says. "I felt nothing." There was no spark. June felt nothing there or there. It was all such a shame, until the stand opens and magazines fly out, only Dawson isn't to be found. He is not on the cover. He is not the sexiest man alive. [Image Credit: Richard Cartwright/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Apt. 23' Recap: Dawson Leery's Funeral This 'Bitch' Is Gonna Be Your New Best Friend People's Sexiest Man Alive Revealed From Our Partners: Giuliana and Bill Rancic Planning for Baby No. 2: ‘I Would Love a Girl,’ Says E Host (Celebuzz) Kate Upton Flaunts Major Cleavage in Vogue’s November Issue — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)
  • 'Nashville' Recap: It's (Even More) Complicated
    By: Anna Brand Nov 08, 2012
    Remember last week, when Tami Taylor Rayna and Deacon were lying naked in bed together, holding each other, whispering about their futures and the love that seemed so close and unreachable at the same time? And then remember when the Nashville writers wanted us all to mourn and cry and stab ourselves in the finger when we found out it was all just a dream? A goddamn DREAM! Well, that was the most important part of the episode, really, because we got to see what they were and might possibly be soon. (Please?) And so that's all I'll get into here. If you need more of a refresher, here's the full recap. Moving on to better and brighter cliches. "Back in the Studio and Hard at Work" That may be what Juliette's PR manager thinks. But her chemistry with Deacon lingers in the air as they both perform on separate platforms, eyeing each other at every lyric that reminds them of their one week time spent together. Juliette has been playing her "Cool Girl" card pretty nicely, pulling him in with her seductive shoplifting ways and then right when she's got him under the covers, she busts out the sympathy druggie mom card. It's working pretty, PRETTY well for her. And now, they're even closer. Why? Because let's not forget our dear Deacon had an addiction problem of his own. It was the reason he and RJ called it quits, or "called it quits." He can relate. And that just about makes him everything Juliette needs right now.  Rating: 8, because sound-proof walls and family drama bonding always brings people together. Tami Taylor's Cleavage Yup. It's out. It. Is. Out. Who in the hell knows where this woman's wardrobe consultant is, but we should really talk about her clothes. Last week, she wore a very sheer and bizarre My Fair Lady-esque white gown during her country club performance and she looked like a damn fairy fool with glitter in her hair. And now it would appear she's trying to step up her sex appeal game, only she's got two kids and a chest that does not scream 25. She is sexy as is. We can all agree. Coach Taylor can agree. Just throw on some boots and a smile and you're golden. Rating: 9, because when threatened by a younger woman, there really are no limits as to how far (or plunging) you'll go. "I CAN'T GO TO PRISON!" Of course someone is in fear of getting locked up in the pockey! Teddy's mistress woman, or whoever she is, has jumped from cute to mysterious to insane in such a short period of time. We met her at the country club where she was all sweet and looking like she maybe had a tiny crush on her old pal Teddy, to being in his car whispering about a secret that's so scandalous no one NO ONE can ever find out to NOW hysterically shrieking that there is no way in God's name can she ever go to prison. Nope. Not going. And, well, it's about money. When isn't it? Teddy and his mistress have apparently been scheming. Scheming hard and embezzling major dough. He reassures her they are going to be fine, but his bizarre blown out hair is saying otherwise. Rating 4.5, because it's taken four whole episodes before the word "prison" has broken into the plotline. Keeping Things "Not Complicated" Basically, Gunnar is trying really hard to hide his feelings for Scarlett, but obviously his sex toy fun thing for now can see right through it. He's trying to keep things casual with this new girl, but we all know (even she knows) that she's just a filler for a couple episodes until things get steamy in the true love triangle between GunGun, Scar, and her flakey boyfriend Avery. Also, saying the words "not complicated" can only mean one thing. It's complicated. Just ask Alec Baldwin. Rating: 8.5, because when are things not complicated for country songwriters? Girl in the Kitchen With a Casserole Scarlett is making a nice home-cooked/slow-cooked meal for her undeserving boyfriend, Avery, while wearing a white cotton dress with a white apron. It's nauseating. She's on the phone talking in her sweet, hopeless voice that makes me want to vomit when Avery walks in the door being sleazy with his long hair and chocker necklace. Of course he wants something. He passively asks Scar about the extra guitar player she needs during her audition thing. "You know I play the guitar?" he says with a crystal clear agenda. Scarlett is beyond thrilled to have him there BECAUSE SHE'S AN IDIOT and then they have sex or something. Rating: 7.5, because of course he didn't say anything about the dinner. And of course he is going to start using her for publicity. Ugh. Late-Night Rendevoux Why must Ray and Dea always meet in the dark or on abandoned bridges? Why must it be this way? Is it because it's sexier if he decides to actually man-up, grab her hair and give her what she's been asking for this whole time? Who knows. In any case, it's creepy and I don't like it because what if Juliette is hiding in a bush ready for the kill and no one can see her? Rating: 4.5, because really, they do have homes with lights and that just seems to make more sense. Intervention Time! Juliette thinks it's a great idea to bring Deacon into her home and convince her mom to go to rehab. He's only a perfect stranger and momma Barnes is only sleeping with any and all garbage men that walk down the street. It's a perfect plan! And well, whatdya know, Juliette is right! Deacon somehow convinces her mom to go to rehab. It's just so easy. It's the easiest thing in the world! They have a brief chat about how it's hard and how he knows, he really does know and then off they are in the truck going to the rehab center. Easy as getting into Juliette's pants off during a first date. Rating: 9/5, because why wouldn't it be that simple? Relapse Time! Big shot Deacon is about to slip down the rabbit hole. He smelled that rehab sweat and now he wants it. He's thinking about the past and how bad he used to be. He's thinking about how Rayna saved his life and how it brought them closer than ever even if they can't show it now. There were seven pills in momma Barnes' bottle. Seven. Deacon counted. A lot. And the next day, they were all still in there. But something tells me it's not for long. Rating: 10, because what's a show about country stars without drugs and rehab and more rehab and more liquor? Bar Fights Deacon is lost. He doesn't know what his life means or where it's going. He could go home and watch a movie and snuggle with his guitar, but instead he goes to the Bluebird, because why not? There's always room for him there! He sings a nice song about letting go the one you love and it's hard to say if the double meaning here is about Rayna or tequila. Either way, he's probably drunk. We don't know for sure, but when some guy makes a totally funny and not really at all offensive joke about wanting Rayna to be up there singing with him he flips the f**k out. After his performance, he goes outside and when he sees the dude he wails him. Hard. But of course Dea is just a wee little thing and gets his ass handed to him. Oy.  Rating: 8, because it only makes sense there'd be a bar fight soon, but Deacon is old enough to know he needs backup. Oh, Jealousy! Avery somehow finds a way to make Scarlett think he's doing her a favor by filling in for the guitar player during her and Gunnar's audition, but we know better. He's been carrying around this ugly sulking face for weeks now just because he's not the one in the spotlight. For once. While Scarlett and Gunnar are trying to impress with their pretty love song, Avery goes completely buck wild and stars strumming the guitar like he's just taken the stage at Woodstock. He doesn't care. He's just trying to look cool and smart and talented and brooding. But GunGun and Scar are pissed. He's ruining their chance! Next thing you know, GunGun is yelling at Avery about how he needs to get over the situation and Scarlett overhears. She's always just lurking in the right places, that girl. In the end, they end up not getting the track because of Avery and even though Scarlett called him out on being an attention hogger, she is STILL all like, I choose you every time. Will she ever learn? Rating: 7/5, because Avery would try and sneak his way in there and Scar would stand by his side. [Photo Credit: Royce Degrie/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: Nashville Recap: Nudity, Jealousy, and ShopliftingNashville Recap: Secrets, Bribes, and Skinny DippingNashville Premiere Recap: A Diva Dip From Our Partners: Lady Gaga Dons Strapless Bikini Top, Waves to Fans in Brazil (PHOTOS) (Celebuzz) Leonardo DiCaprio Lists $23M Malibu Beachfront Mansion: Take a Peek Inside (PHOTOS) (Celebuzz)
  • 'Apt. 23' Recap: What Dawson Leery Fears
    By: Anna Brand Oct 31, 2012
    It's Halloween for the B and Co. and I hoped it would mean we'd see the Joey to our Dawson, but no. There was no Joey. There was no Jen. There was no Grams or Jack or Andy or Pacey. Nothing. In fact, we learn JVDB (James Van Der Beek) hates Halloween. He's afraid. Like, actually scared. This one time, his dad made him watch a scary movie on Christmas and it ruined him for life. What a baby. And so instead of focusing on our flannel friend, we get a closer look into Chloe's soul. Her good-natured, soft even, heart. We think. June (Dreama Walker) and Chloe (Krysten Ritter) discover that they both LOVE Halloween! It's something they can finally agree on. They giggle and squeal and jump around at this shared love, and I'm a bit concerned as to where creepy peeping neighbor man is. This is his Pay-Per-View moment of the week and he's all playing with a yo-yo in his bathroom or something. JVDB enters in the perfect fall plaid shirt and skips over to the counter. He chatters on about his Halloween Evite which, when we finally get to see it, is basically a Powerpuff Girls meets Teletubby cartoon-like figure bopping around the screen squeaking about a party. It's time to go. And so June and pal Mark (Eric André) head to the movie theater for a much-needed pre-Halloween chick flick. Something simple and pointless starring Katherine Heigl, of course. Right as they get cozy, June spots Chloe finding a nook in some dark-haired stranger's neck. She can't have a boyfriend, can she? It sure looks like it as she dips her hand into his... popcorn and gazes into his eyes. June knows Chloe wouldn't be caught dead at a chick flick normally, so something is not right. Not right at all. SO, June invites Chloe's new boy over for dinner to get to the bottom of it -- and she is speechless, for once. And not because he's wearing a pajama-like Tee that shows his muscles in all the right places. C and hot boy are laughing and smiling and cuddling and even finishing each other's sentences. It's madness, really! You'd think it was all a sham, all some sort of Halloween hoax. And guess what? It is. Yep. Chloe tells June that for the past three years, she has apparently been "targeting" people on Halloween. And by "targeting," she means she's lying through her Crest White Stripped teeth figuring out strangers' deepest fears and then devising a way to make it a reality for them in one year. It's super realistic and completely normal and it's one of Chloe's greatest accomplishments. Apparently, she's been "dating" this one boy for a year, even though I've never seen him, ever, (and I'd remember), and now that Halloween's rolling around, it's time for the "Pump and Dump." Don't feel like explaining that one in detail. Back to the costumes. So, at the Halloween party where Chloe plans to reveal her evil plan to gorgeous stranger, June is floating around all cutesy in her journey hobbit girl of self-discovery outfit. She is SUCH a supporting actress. She'll never be in the spotlight because all she does is worry about other people's problems and wallow over being single. Someone needs to get the girl a slutty outfit and a bout of confidence pronto. Anyway, she tries to stop Chloe, but no can do, they're already en route to his "hometown bedroom" where she plans to finish him off. But the tables have turned. Right as Chloe gets a grain of humanity and decides she doesn't want to hurt him, the wavy-haired hunk tells her the trick has been on HER this WHOLE DAMN TIME. He's been getting her to act out her biggest fear: a chick flick. Every "monumental moment" in their relationship has taken place in the most corniest of ways. And in a twist of fate, Chloe gets a taste of her own bitter medicine. He tells her he's going to be leaving the country the next day, and perhaps she will just chase him right through the airport, sealing the fate of a chick flick gal's ways. Of course, we know she won't. Or will she? Chloe decides that by going to the airport and telling him that she actually likes him, he won't know whether she's still f****** around or if she actually means it! It's a brilliant plan. And that is exactly what she does. It may have been true love, it may not have been, but at least in the end Chloe wins. Or so she thinks. We'll never truly know Happy Halloween! [Image Credit: Kelsey McNeal/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: ABC Finally Delivers Word on 'Scandal,' 'Apt 23,' and 'Cougar Town' Premieres This 'Bitch' Is Gonna Be Your New Best Friend James Van Der Beek Welcomes Baby Boy From Our Partners: Heidi Klum Cancels Her Annual Halloween Party Due to Superstorm Sandy (Celebuzz) ’Hunger Games’ Stars Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson Visit Haunted House for Halloween — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)
  • Andy Cohen and Jill Zarin at War Over "Secret Recording"?
    By: Anna Brand Oct 25, 2012
    Remember when Jill Zarin hit Andy Cohen's Clubhouse wearing a Christmas ornament around her neck and demanded to know why OH WHY she got axed from The Real Housewives of New York? Remember when Andy responded in the most vague way possible? And remember how the entire rest of the interview consisted of Jill Zarin talking about herself and her stuff and her social media followers and how everyone in the world stops to ask her about Bobby's health and all the wonderful things going on in her fabric store? The 30-minute segment was jam-packed with Jill's Long Island twang — and for the most part, it seemed civil. But little did we know that behind the scenes, something shady was going on. And now Andy is not happy. He hasn't been this peeved since the time Teresa Giudice shoved his delicate frame on a reunion episode.  So, Jill Zarin has apparently gone and done the most demented thing ever. Ever. Even more demented than the time she went to Morocco and walked around with snakes on her head bragging about her snakeskin shoes. Anyway, turns out the people she hired Jill's fans recorded the interview on an iPhone for her "protection." According to an interview with Page Six, the former Housewife explained that the reasoning behind the taping was, "to make sure I remembered what I said, and that what I said was accurately edited." Of course, interviews gets cut down for time — unless you're the Real Housewives of New Jersey, in which case you get three hour-long reunions and a lost footage episode — but Jill Zarin needed to be sure the network wasn't going to screw her over, or something. And this morning, she and Andy Cohen played a little game called "Let's be passive aggressive on Twitter." Here's their exchange: Zarin haters are having a field day with this one, chiming into the Twitter conversation: "she is so the stalker type to clip Andy or bethennys hair and keep it on a shrine LOL." Even Caroline Manzo got her two cents in (of course she did): "those housewives, they're a rough bunch.... xo." But seriously. Really now. You'd think if Jill Zarin wanted back on The Housewives, or at least back in Bravo's good graces, she wouldn't go ahead and stage a sneak attack like this! But then again, nothing she does is all that surprising anymore. Not after that peplum dress. [Image Credit: Peter Kramer/Bravo] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: The Resurrection of Jill Zarin Real Housewives in Real Life: A Chat About 'The Queen of Versailles' AMC Considering Andy Cohen-Inspired Talk Show For Their Hit Dramas From Our Partners: Giuliana and Bill Rancic Planning for Baby No. 2: ‘I Would Love a Girl,’ Says E Host (Celebuzz) Kate Upton Flaunts Major Cleavage in Vogue’s November Issue — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)
  • 'Nashville' Recap: Nudity, Jealousy, and Shoplifting
    By: Anna Brand Oct 24, 2012
    It's been a week since we were last hanging with the Nashville crew and Lord knows we needed it. From the Rayna-Deacon-Juliette love triangle to Teddy's corruption secrets to the snooty southern moms, there has been a whole damn lot to digest. Oh, and how can I forget Deacon's stint in rehab – the "dry period," if you will – when he and RJ apparently cooled off their drunken booty-calling ways and took a totally completely fake and transparent real step back from each other. God, I can't want to dig deeper into that juicy plot! Scarlett and Gunnar are close to the spotlight and Old Man Watty is lingering around the Bluebird as per usual. The groundwork has been laid and now it's time. It's time to really see what Nashville's got, my friends. Bring on the drama, and as always, the clichés. The Photo Shoot Juliette (Hayden Panettiere) is all smiles for the camera, tossing her wavy locks from side to side in front of the photographer. Her fiery eyes reflect off the sparkles on her silver dress as she shows the world she's got this. She's got it all wrapped around her little country-singin' finger. You'd never guess all the demons crawling inside her. Dying to break free. But we sure see them. As soon as the last flash goes off, the diva comes stomping over to her whatever I don't care what your name is, but you work for me man and demands an answer as to why Deacon (Charles Esten) is not on her tour yet. "WHY, MAN, WHY? TELL ME WHY!" He looks at her with the perfect kind of grin and says that it's going to be hard, that he's touring with Rayna (Connie Britton) now. To top it off, he tells J that her drugged-up mom has been harassing her team and well, they just couldn't take it any longer so they threw $100 at her and sent her packing. Juliette is furious, because HELLO, you can't give a woman with a drug problem a dime. She leaves him with a threatening eyebrow raise and heads back to her safe place behind the camera. Rating: 8.5, because photo shoots seem glamorous from the outside, but drama is always boiling behind closed doors. Or in this case, just a few yards away. Awkward Phone Calls I'd like to think the stuttering on both ends fades eventually, but Deacon and RJ prove that nope, that'll just never happen. There will continue to be awkwardness on the phone. We should all just kill ourselves now. Yep. So anyway, Deacon calls Rayna and she's all like "hey" and he's all like "hey" and she's all like "hey" and then something happens where they're both fumbling and then he's all like "I'll just call you later" and that was the end. Is this what real love looks like? Rating: 9, because yes. Yes it is. Oh, Jealousy! Scarlett and perfectly tanned and toned Gun-Gun are practicing a sweet little tune when Scar's raging jealous, but equally as HOT, boyfriend Avery enters. He's hurt, as he should be! Avery is also a musician, and he's pretty damn good, too! But he's not what OMW (Old Man Watty) wants. Nope, Watty wants the Gun, and so he's getting him. Rating: 7, because boys will be jealous and girls will play dumb. There's no way around that. Money Issues It looks like Rayna and Teddy need a loan. They need a loan BAD. Teddy is floundering – we're not sure why yet, but we know it is not good – and Rayna seems surprisingly calm. That is, until the lawyers suggest they just "borrow the money from daddy." Then she goes white. There is no way she's going to do that, hell-to-the-no, and right after Teddy gives her a reassuring look like "don't worry, sweetie, no way, NO WAY," he gazes into nothing and ponders the possibility of asking her father for the money himself. He doesn't actually say it out loud, but OH I can see it. I can read his mind clearly through those sexy forehead wrinkles. Welp, turns out a massive check comes floating through the mail from, you guessed it!, the oh-so-powerful Lamar Wyatt. RJ asks Teddy about it and of course he denies he had anything to do with it. But we know better by now. Not only that, but the money comes with all sorts of demands! Shockingly, it all coincides with Teddy's campaigning. Rayna is "not allowed" to leave during the times when Teddy "needs her by his side." The whole thing is absolutely demented, and it's a bit disappointing actually that RJ can't see right through it. Rating: 4, because how did Teddy become Mister Evil in 35 seconds. Does RJ not know her husband at all?? Is that what we're supposed to believe. DO YOU THINK WE'RE IDIOTS? Second Thoughts Rayna and Deacon are going over their upcoming tour list, which isn't sounding so glamorous now. I can almost hear RJ's insides cringe and crack when she hears "Syracuse" on the list. D senses RJ's apprehension and says he's going to leave her alone so that she can think about things, you know like how she'd totally be f**king him over if she backs out. Meanwhile, he says he's got something he needs to do, which can only mean something bad, knowing sneaky D. And lo and behold, there he goes, RUNNING, to Juliette's recording studio. Ready to make magic happen with the twentysomething. Rating: 8, because just when you think you can trust 'em, they go and do something like this. "Whatdyou Thakin' 'bout?" The words Juliette whispers to Deacon as they lie naked in puke-green sheets. After spilling her soul about her momma and all her childhood problems (Isn't she still a child??), J gets D in bed, again. And funny thing is, he's totally into her! He is drinking the toddler Kool-Aid, more like funneling, and it's real messy. Sooner or later, it's all coming right back out. And it won't be pretty. Rating: 10, because I I'm pretty sure borderline senile OMW saw this one coming. An Affair to Forget Rayna finds out from her sister that their mother was having an affair while she was performing on the road. Sound familiar? And that's the reason her father hates the industry and the fact that Rayna wants to go back on tour with Deacon. To be fair, it is clear that if Rayna goes on this tour, she and D are totally banging the whole time. And it would be fabulous, but, like, okay, the point is don't cheat. So, anyway, Lamar makes another jerk comment, which sends RJ into another one of her "I hate you, daddy!" kicks and she storms out, claiming she will never EVER EVER EVER accept a dime from him. Rating: 8.5, because even when they're being total d**ks, dads are usually still a little bit right. And that is so annoying. Real Tears? Juliette is outside her house running(?) or something, while Deacon is still inside making breakfast(?) when she sees her mom embarrassingly strung out, banging on her ornate entrance gate. She needs some money. She needs money NOW. And she's pulling out all the stops this time. "I'm your momma!" she hollers. "I took care of you! I have no place left to go." Juliette can't bring herself to go an inch closer and ultimately turns her back and orders her guards to take her mother away. She walks away with real tears, or so it seems, and does an ugly-cry. I really felt like we had a breakthrough moment with J here, until she struts into her kitchen smiling wide at D wiping all of that behind her. I mean, it's been a nano second. It hasn't even been a full Friends episode, and J is already thinking about when she's getting her next lay. "Want me to order in breakfast?" she cries all Susie Homemaker-y. But D isn't having it anymore. He got what he came there for. Plus, Rayna just called so he must switch gears back to Good Guy Deacon and be there for her. GOD I wish I could figure this man out. And when I do, I will have figured all men out. Rating: 7.5, because girls never want to seem vulnerable to their older, smoldering man-lovers. This much I know to be true. It's All Over. Maybe. Sort of. No? Deacon and Ray sit side-by-side talking about their careers being kaput – okay, so Rayna's career – but they're realy just talking about how their love for each other is coming to an end. It's heartbreaking, really. Everything is unraveling and fast. They talk in circles about their fake issues and real issues and issues about issues and all of that until D just gets up and leaves. BUT WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? Well, for starters it means running to the Bluebird to have some deep thoughts. And of course, Juliette finds him there and tells him time is UP. She needs to know if he is in or if he is out. Surprisingly, D turns her down. He straight out says she can't depend on him. J runs home to find her mom sitting at her kitchen counter. Apparently, she's back home with her until they can all figure out something better to do, like "ship her back to Alabama." J is feeling totally lost. How could she have not seen this coming? She does what any girl her age would do: run to the nearest drugstore and stock up on chips. She is literally shoving Doritos in her bag like a wild animal. And then, she does the crazy. She goes all Winona and steals an ugly nail polish! AND SOMEONE GOT IT ON CAMERA. Rating: 9, because you know, sometimes there are no clear answers. Everything is a muddled, complicated mess, and that's just life. Also, stealing from a drugstore. I mean, we've all been there. The Newbie Train It was bumpy at first, you know, when Scar couldn't get the words out during their mini recording session. She was all nervous and shivering and picturing Gun-Gun holding her close on the top bunk in their imaginary tour bus. She just couldn't hold it together. And this is presumably only her SECOND time at a mic, so let's just cut her some slack. Old Man Watty is ready to pull the plug on her, get some other PYT to sing her songs and make it work, but GG doesn't want that. He goes to Avery and pulls some insanely clever reverse psychology trick in order to get him to convince Scar to man the eff up and just sing. What. A. Dumbass. And props to Gunnar – now we know the boy's got backbone. Ultimately, he and Scar perform the song perfectly in the Bluebird, of course, where OMW was able to construct some sort of makeshift studio. Whatever. They're great and beautiful and their voices together are like the time I put Cool Whip between two graham crackers. It's just f**king amazing, okay? Rating: 10, because were you not listening about the Cool Whip ice cream sandwich? [Image Credit: Katherine Bomboy/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: 'Nashville' Recap: Secrets, Bribes, and Skinny Dipping TCA 2012: 'Nashville' Stars Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere Talk Music (City) ABC Debuts Trailers for 'Nashville' and More -- VIDEO From Our Partners: Giuliana and Bill Rancic Planning for Baby No. 2: ‘I Would Love a Girl,’ Says E Host (Celebuzz) Kate Upton Flaunts Major Cleavage in Vogue’s November Issue — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)
  • 'Apt. 23' Recap: Dawson Leery's Funeral
    By: Anna Brand Oct 23, 2012
    The B is back, people! And I'm not talking about Chloe (Krysten Ritter), I'm talking about Dawson James Van Der Beek, of course! Not only is our favorite flannel-wearing Spielberg fan here for our inner-teen amusement — or if you're me, every day genuine entertainment — but more lovable Creek kids are popping up this season, too. Then there's June (Dreama Walker). Dear, sweet June bug. She really took a beating Season 1, huh? From the cheating fiance to raising a grown child (well, sort of), to being slapped at a wedding, to having a disturbing affair with crazy Chloe's dad (yep!), this chick had it bad. Through it all, a friendship did come out of the random Craigs List rooming, even if it is absolutely dysfunctional. But isn't that why we love the gang in Apt. 23? Now, time for new shenanigans! James Van Der Beek's Funeral? A viking funeral in Central Park, to be exact. Chloe, in all black (veil included) explains to the crew the sad misfortune, but before we get any of the juicy details we're forced into a flashback, what else. So... Two Weeks Earlier Chloe wisps her bangs out of her face to let June in on a little secret about her sweater resembling a pumpkin that mated with a turd, which is actually quite affectionate coming from the B. They're about to have a real breakthrough moment, as June inches closer to Chloe, hoping to hear what she's always dreamed of: That she's like a sister to Chloe. That living together was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. Just as they're about to have this embrace, which obviously definitely was so going to happen, JVDB enters the room with MASSIVE news. They both turn. Whatever could it be, they bounce up eagerly... I Don't Wanna Wait Well OF COURSE it's about the Dawson's Creek 10-year reunion! Dawson is all ripping up the letter that invites him and the rest of the A-team (Joey, Pacey, Jen, come on, guys!) because he's King James now! He's the Lenon AND the McCartney of the group and they need him, he says. So, instead of convincing him that a reunion IS the best thing, Chloe says it's time to party and they frolic to the tents for fashion week. At least June is upset. In fact, she really takes it out on the muffins at her coffee shop job. And you know what?! I feel for her. I too would LOVE a Dawson's Creek reunion. I think about it all the time. Pacey seeing Joey one more time, wiping a stray strand of hair behind her ear, whispering the words we all know too well: "I remember everything." All the while, Dawson is trying to reconnect with Jen, trying to get her to see that he can still be her boy adventure. It would be too good. June knows it (her boob size went up a cup size, for crying out loud!) and I know it. And yet JVDB can't seem to grasp the realness of it all. The magic that would come of it. At least not yet. Moving on... Convincing D-Sizzle After attending the fashion show (front row, of course), June surprises Chloe and Dawson with a makeshift slideshow including the reasons why he MUST agree to be in the reunion. Hell, there's even a Dawson as Simba slide that, I mean, there's no way you can say no to Simba. No way. Dawson comes to his senses: "This is bigger than me. I need to do a reunion. For the fans. I'M KING JAMES!" But then Chloe drops a bombshell, which must, IT MUST, be false: "I'm his fans," she says. "I'm the one that writes all the letters." Please be lying Chloe, please... But She's Not "He shouldn't relive the past by doing some stupid reunion show," Chloe says, confirming the pen ink she's used for every letter. She loves the power, she says! And who can blame her. Every year JVDB rejects the Dawson's Creek reunion letter, making him feel invincible and therefore falls to Chloe's feet, ready to do whatever she commands. Doesn't make all that much sense, but let's just go with it. And so the battle is on. Chloe vs. June on the future of the reunion show. But Chloe isn't messing around. Nope. This is no amateur house. The B takes it one step further and actually shoots June with some sort of device that leaves her passed out for 6 HOURS. When she finally awakens from her deep slumber, dreaming of a reunion that would get her high school friends so insanely jealous and proud of grown-up New York City girl June, D says he won't do the reunion. He says Chloe has told him everything! The fake fans, the misspelled names, all of it. Dawson and June separately think-walk and end up crossing paths (in their minds? It's not very clear), but naturally in black and white. And the verdict is in: The reunion will, it will happen. June wins, until she hears... Dawson Is Lying JVDB says that Michelle, Katie and Josh are SO into the reunion. He says it's happening! So we can all celebrate, right? Wrong. Apparently, they all HATE Dawson. "They hate you!" he hears. And they're not doing the reunion. Nope. They'll only do it "the Hollywood way" (whatever that means). So, where do you go from here? Busy Phillips You all remember Audrey Liddell, right? She was Joey's quirky, alcoholic, but SO FUN roommate in college, who eventually started dating Pacey for a short time until he realized that he needed to be back with Joey. His one true love. Like the boat he made: "True Love." From scratch. ANYWAY, so Audrey is all like "You gypped us on the finale present, duh! That's why we hate you! We were stuck with a bill for 145 boats, James! I had to sell my horse Cha-Cha!" And though Dawson wants to make amends, Busy states that it's just simply too late for that. "My Life Was Better 10 Years Ago" Dawson and June reflect on their current s**ty lives. Obviously Dawson's life was better 10 years ago – and June, well poor June was just a little, innocent girl from Indiana with dream of living in the big city. Things seemed simpler back then, hopeful even. And now. Well look at them! Sure they have beautifully knit sweaters on with matching v-neck angles and jawlines made to cut stone, but at the end of the day, they're both just lonely. Lonely and looking for a place to call home. Real home. The Creek, if you will. Chloe perks up at their misery, well #duh, and urges them to snap out of it. And while she's still "The B in Apt. 23" the girl has got a point! And anyway, all the moping around is more depressing than the time D did this. "Get to your room and put on something I don't like," Chloe demands in her most maternal way possible. Something Better. Bigger. Dawson has a revelation, people! "I don't need those guys," he says loud and poud. "It wasn't Pacey, Joey or Jen's creek!" And for the first time I find myself on D-Man's side. It was his creek after all. First up: Frankie Muniz. JVDB finds him in the grocery store and tries to persuade him to do a reunion show. Not exactly a Dawson's Creek reunion, but you know, something like that. Chloe finds Dawson through Grindr, but of course, and tries to put a stop to Dawson's lunacy. And she does so by wiping him out. Good girl, Chloe. Good. An Intervention Who better to calm Dawson's pipe dream of a full-blown reunion than to bring in the one and only Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar)? He admits he too has tried to accost Muniz (at a zoo, no less) and that was perhaps his breaking point. That was the moment he knew that he needed to break free from dreams of Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani Thiessen) wrapping her slender arms around his neck, telling him his bedspreads weren't lame. That his highlights gave her the chills and that, if nothing else, his volleyball skills would stay in her mind forever. "Have you read my book, amigo?" Morris asks Leery. "It's called 'Finding the Now.'" They have a similar problem, Zacky says. They both have been living in hopes of resurrecting the past. And Dawson concedes, and with that goes his entire memorabilia. In a fire in the Central Park river. "The funeral." And though it wasn't actually JVDB the man who had died, it was his spirit: the spirt of Dawson. But if you ask me, it will live on forever, whether or not he looks back at all. [Image Credit: Kelsey McNeal/ABC] Follow Anna on Twitter @thebrandedgirl More: ABC Finally Delivers Word on 'Scandal,' 'Apt 23,' and 'Cougar Town' Premieres This 'Bitch' Is Gonna Be Your New Best Friend James Van Der Beek Welcomes Baby Boy From Our Partners: Giuliana and Bill Rancic Planning for Baby No. 2: ‘I Would Love a Girl,’ Says E Host (Celebuzz) Kate Upton Flaunts Major Cleavage in Vogue’s November Issue — PHOTOS (Celebuzz)