Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • 'Survivor' Recap: How to Eat Bugs, Brains, and Duck Embryos
    By: Brian Moylan Apr 04, 2013
    Of all the amazing things that happen when watching Survivor – those shots of snakes rolling through baskets, those elaborate challenges in the wild, Philip wearing the same pair of nasty, saggy underwear for weeks on end – the most impressive is how these people choke down the most disgusting things during the "eat disgusting things" challenge. I must say that I sort of missed this challenge, which was a staple on the show in the early years, but fell out of favor for more running, swimming, and puzzle completing. Why was this ever allowed to happen? Is there anything more amusing than making a little bit of fun at the nasty "delicacies" other cultures enjoy while watching people retch up food in disgust? But we're getting ahead of ourselves. First there was a merge, which, duh. We saw it on the promo for this episode and the producer knew that the only way to get people to stick around and watch was if something exciting was about to happen. It finally did. It really, really did. There was a merge, and then everyone was off to the immunity challenge where they had to eat a host of absolutely terrible meals — the first half of contestants to finish each one would progress to the next round. First was live beetle larvae, which were still rolling around on the plate. Next were "ship worms" which are kind of like clams and looked like strings of grey snot Puck from The Real Would would shoot out of his nose. Next up was a duck embryo where you could see the feathers, and finally brains. Just a big old nasty pile of brains, like the leftovers from Frankenstein's workshop. I'm surprised Probst didn't have Igor haul them out. The final came down to my one true love Malcolm and wimpy Cochran, who has never even come close to winning a challenge in his whole life. Cochran, who probably has had a life of swallowing down abuse and other disgusting things, was amazingly adroit at this challenge and took the immunity necklace for the first (and probably only) time. It was a really touching moment, I must say. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: A Recipe for a Boring Season This is really the "Favorites" game, since there are eight of them and four remaining Fans, but it seems they're not as united as they think. As soon as Corinne and Malcolm were reunited on the beach, they began figuring out a way to take control. They pulled in Reynold, Michael, Eddie, and Eric, but needed one more person. Then Corinne made two big mistakes that eventually got her evicted — well, three if you count getting Philip to hate her, but that wasn't really her fault. Her first big mistake was to try to get Dawn into her alliance. How did she not know that Dawn prizes her loyalty above all else, and that as soon as she heard about Corinne's new plan, she would run off and tattle to Cochran and Andrea to get her own alliance together? Dawn, Philip, Andrea, and Chochran roped in Sheri and Brenda, and possibly Eric (all three of whom have been completely silent all season, so maybe their new alliance should be called Silent But Deadly). RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: A Recipe for a Boring Season Instead of talking to Dawn, Corinne should have gone to Sheri and gotten her together with other Fans, and gotten her to flip on Philip, who she said she didn't like. That was Corinne's other mistake. She targeted Sheri for no apparent reason when she should have been going after Philip. She wanted to wait a week to get him gone, but she should have gone for him first. Everyone bitches about him and can't stand him, so why wouldn't they vote him out? In the end Eric was the swing vote, and he defected from Malcolm's back pocket to the rest of the "Favorites." Looks like Malcolm and his pretty boys are going to have to get to scrambling again and, to stay in the game, they may have to eat the nastiest thing of all: their pride. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] From Our PartnersSee 'Game of Thrones' as 'Mad Men' (Vulture)Hayden Panetierre Bikinis in Miami (Celebuzz)
  • The Guy Who Plays Charlie is Leaving 'Girls' Because He Doesn't Like Lena Dunham
    By: Brian Moylan Apr 04, 2013
      Maybe someone was spending a little bit too much time reading all the scathing things the Internet has to say about Lena Dunham and her show Girls. All of those nasty commenters are sure to get all riled up now that the New York Post broke the news that Christopher Abbott, who plays Marnie's dreamy tech millionaire boyfriend Charlie, is leaving the show abruptly. His rep confirmed the news to Page Six, the paper's gossip column, on Thursday — right as Season 3 was about to start filming.  According to a "source" of the paper, he left because he's fueding with creator/writer/star/director/punching bag Dunham. "They’ve just started work on Season 3, and Chris is at odds with Lena. He didn’t like the direction things are going in." An interview the actor gave to Vulture back in February seems to support this theory. Abbott seems wishy-washy about his love for the character and says, "If there was another character I could play on the show, which I think is impossible, I think I would." Looks like he chose to leave rather than switch roles.  RELATED: 'Bros' Premiere: An Answer to 'Girls'? But what does this mean for Marnie? Guess she's not going to get that happily ever after she thought she was getting at the end of Season 2. And, more importantly, what will this mean for Dunham? Probably just more grist for the mill about how awful she is. However, the show is called Girls for a reason and, honestly, Charlie is not one of those and was always, well, disposable.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: HBO] From Our PartnersSee 'Game of Thrones' as 'Mad Men' (Vulture)Hayden Panetierre Bikinis in Miami (Celebuzz)
  • The Least Normal Things About 'The New Normal': A Wedding, A Baby, and A Big Huge Season Finale
    By: Brian Moylan Apr 03, 2013
    NBC's The New Normal is a delightful show about a not very ordinary gay couple trying to have a surrogate daughter with a strange woman who has an oddball child and an unbelievably bigoted (and funny) grandmother. NeNe Leakes is also somehow involved. As much as it would like us to believe that this is the way the world works today, like most Ryan Murphy shows it is a celebration of the oddities within all of us. Therefore this weekly feature is both a celebration (and indictment) of all the abnormality contained within it. Normal: Wanting to have the perfect wedding. Abnormal: Rich homosexuals obsessed with style and design thinking they can have the perfect wedding in their own home. That only happens on TV. Normal: Wanting a priest to officiate your wedding. Abnormal: Being gay and thinking that a priest will actually marry you. Normal: Jeff Dunham jokes. Abnormal: Gays don't make Jeff Dunham jokes, they make Lena Dunham jokes. Normal: Hating your mother. Abnormal: Hating your mother and then having her show up on your wedding day without explaining why you're getting along all of the sudden. Normal: Mothers schooling their daughters about their love life. Abnormal: Daughters knowing more about their mother's love lives than their mothers do. RELATED: New Normal Recap: John Stamos Is Addicted to Love Normal: Your mother and father hating each other after they get divorced. Abnormal: Your mother and father hating each other after they get divorced, then having sex together at Thanksgiving, then hating each other, and then inexplicably agreeing to drive to a wedding together but then your mom showing up alone and making horrible jokes about your father. Normal: Your mom making inappropriate jokes. Abnormal: Your mom making inappropriate penis jokes. Normal: Coming to love gay marriage. Abnormal: The awful horrible racist homophobic grandmother suddenly supporting gay marriage for no reason at all. Normal: Wanting John Stamos at your wedding. Abnormal: Having him actually show up. RELATED: New Normal Recap: Grey Gardens Edition Normal: Your mothers showing up with unreasonable demands on your wedding. Abnormal: This is entirely normal. Normal: Making sex jokes at a wedding. Abnormal: Wishing two gay guys "bottomless ecstasy." It just doesn't work that way. Normal: Gay men having good taste in clothing. Abnormal: Mauve! Again?! Normal: Drama at your wedding. Abnormal: Someone's water breaking at your wedding. This only happens on TV. Normal: Leaving a wedding early. Abnormal: Usually it's because the chicken is rubbery and there's a cash bar, not because the couple is having a baby, and neither of the couple is pregnant. RELATED: New Normal Recap: Baby Clothes Edition Normal: Checking everyone's schedule before setting your wedding day. Abnormal: Setting your wedding day within weeks of when a surrogate is going to have your child. Don't people plan these things far in advance? Normal: Taking your father's last name. Abnormal: Taking one father's last name when you have two. Normal: Gays naming their baby Sawyer. It just seems very apt. Normal: A character on a Ryan Murphy show totally reversing her character with little to no explanation, like Ellen Barkin did. Abnormal: Getting emotionally welled up when she does. Normal: Getting married on the beach. Abnormal: Running around stealing people's surfboards and beach balls to decorate your spur of the moment beach wedding with two babies and neither of them cries or needs attention at all while you're throwing it together. Normal: Crying at weddings. Abnormal: God, why am I crying at this wedding! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: NBC] From Our PartnersSee 'Game of Thrones' as 'Mad Men' (Vulture)Hayden Panetierre Bikinis in Miami (Celebuzz)
  • 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Reunion: Who Won the Season?
    By: Brian Moylan Apr 01, 2013
    There are several reasons I hate writing about the Real Housewives reunion specials. First of all, nothing happens. Well, things happen – apologies are made, hatchets are buried and then dug up again to plunge into someone else's back, Andy Cohen gets pushed by a raging Italian lunatic. Things happen, but it's all just them sitting there. There is so little to say. Also, there is so much screaming, so much nattering about who wrote what on who's blog and who Twittered what about someone's Facebook. I don't care about any of that. And none of these ladies have any proof about their allegations. We just want to know who won. And we know that the second half of the RHOBH reunion is going to be boring. How? Well, it's only two parts, which is a death knell in these three-hour days. And there haven't been any exciting promos promising us that Andy Cohen is going to be attacked (by a human, bird, or other organism) so you know it's going to be tamer than Gretchen Rossi's hair after a Brazilian Blowout. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Everyone Is Laughing at Faye Resnick So, yeah. Who won this season? Who gets to say that they are the champion? Well, here is my ranking of the women in order of who came out on top. The truth is, well, we all lose a little bit.  Yolanda Bananas Foster: I am as shocked as you are, but YBF won this season. How? It was a combination of a clear vision, a no-nonsense attitude, and an ability to hold people to account for what they said and did while still managing to seem like a sane, rational human being, something that is in short supply among these lizard creatures. Yes, she didn't spend a lot of time interacting with the women. Yes, her husband, noted clacking skeleton and woman bedder David Foster Wallace, is right up there on The Worst spectrum with Faye Resnick and malignant melanomas. But she came from behind at the end of the season and stood up to the whole rabid pack of hyenas at Adrienne's vodka party and then stood toe to toe with human foot fungas discoloration Faye Resnick at Lisa's housewarming. She's acquitted herself nicely at the reunion and will be a splendid addition to the cast. And did you see her fridge?  Brandi Glanville: This isn't so much a second place as it's a tie with YBF. I'm not quite sure how Brandi stays on top of the fray while being on the bottom of the dogpile for most of the season. I guess it's her authenticity, which shines like one of the stripper poles she rode down to everyone's delight. Yes, she handled some situations very wrong, but most of the animosity leveled at her because of her square-off with Adrienne was for her telling the truth. Everyone loves the truth (espeically when it's juicy). Then Brandi was chased by an awful rich woman and her screaming accomplices, which definitley got her some sympathy. She also formed some strong bonds on the show and was loyal to her friends. Even the Sisters Richards say they like her now, so that's headway. I think the thing that works best for Brandi though is that she's always playing defense. My father once told me the best offense is a good defense, and I had no idea what he was talking about until I watched this show.  RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Adrienne Maloof and Faye Resnick Compete to Be the Worst Lisa Vanderpump: Lisa's fight with Kyle was totally bogus and as dry as a piece of chewing gum stuck to the bottom of a table three days ago, but it was her refreshingly honest friendship with Brandi that carried the season. She was both sister and mother to our favorite blonde, standing by her side when the evil munitions marched against her, but then scolding her in private for her temper and crass language. They are quite the perfect balance. But better than anything, the two have a sense of humor with each other, something that all the other women seem to be lacking. Kim Richards: It may look like she's in the middle of the pack, but she really made a big stride forward this year. Her storyline wasn't, "God, how messed up is Kim?" it was, "God, when is Kim gonna get messed up?" which is step in the right direction. She didn't attend every event, but she interacted more with everyone and played a central role in some of the bigger conflicts. But still, watching Kim is like staring at an open wound and marveling at how slowly the healing process takes. She and Kyle have a relationship as frayed as a rope cut with a spoon and she is so far from being whole that, well, maybe she shouldn't be on TV. If only I could stop watching her and thinking about her and formulating sad scenarios to test her will in my imagination. But she got her catch phrase, "I love turtles," and mixed some creepy chicken salad, so yay! Kim, for all her sad eccentricities, is joining the world of the living. Kyle Richards: Kyle's biggest sin this season was picking the wrong side. Well, actually it was not picking a side at all. When the lines were drawn between Team Brandi and Team Maloof, she said she wasn't taking a side, but kept talking for Adrienne since she wasn't there to defend herself. So she didn't want to take a side, but then she took the wrong side. That and her whining that Kim just wouldn't get better the very second she left rehab didn't do her any favors. And remember, Kyle, no one likes someone who won't make a decision. That's why we all hate bisexuals.  RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: The Drunken Return of Dana Wilkie The Widow Armstrong: If she wasn't present at the Dana/Pam drunken lunch that appeared from heaven like a GIF gift from the reality TV gods, then she would have been completely worthless all season. Adrienne Maloof: Oh boy did Adrienne, the Queen of the Maloofs (a race of mole people that live under the mountain) lose this season. She lost it spectacularly and in so many ways. First of all she went on the attack against Brandi, a fan favorite, which is never a good idea. Secondly, she proved to be the worst kind of rich person by using her money and her lawyers to intimidate Brandi. Then she lied about it and got caught in her lies but still wouldn't confess. There was all that drama about leaking stories to the press and all the hemming and hawing about her "secret" which wasn't very secretive at all an which no one really cared about. Let's not forget her disappearing act where the other women had to defend her or that she left brown self tanner stains on Lisa's couch and then didn't apologize for it (which is perhaps the greatest . She threw a horrible vodka party, she tarnished Brandi's name, and then she showed up at Lisa's party the day she got served her divorce papers and got mad at Lisa for not coming over the comfort her. It was wrong. It was all wrong. But then the worst of all, as Andy Cohen pointed out last week, she opted not to come to the reunion. This shouldn't have been a reunion, this should have been a tribunal where this monster was made to answer for her war crimes. She should have been forced to tell the truth and give us some satisfaction, but she never would have given us the former and robbed us of the latter. This is how we will remember Adrienne, as conniving, cowardly, abusive, and just dead wrong. She loses, now and forever. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Finale Recap: Kenya Moore's Costume Party Ends in an Afro Fight
    By: Brian Moylan Apr 01, 2013
    If you think about it, most of the season of The Real Wig Pullers of Lace Front Industries was spent with the women standing around in driveways fighting. That's really all they did. There was the fight in Porsha's driveway between her and Kenya and then another fight between them in the parking lot of a restaurant ("Bye Ashy!"). There was the infamous occasion where NeNe wouldn't let anyone into her house because they showed up three hours late and Kernya yelling at Kandi's assistant Don Juan in the driveway of Kandi's housewarming party. And finally, last night, we had Kernya Moo-ah hectoring Porsha in the driveway at her stupid "Iconic Female Icons of Blackness from Iconic Films or Films That Black Women Were In That Aren't Iconic or OK Maybe a TV Show Sponsored by Blackglamma" party. What a way to end a season! (Also, the best Housewives fight in a parking lot is the Melissa Gorga/Teresa Giudice throwdown from last season of Real Acid Tossers of Paramus Chemical, so they didn't even do it the best, they just did it a lot. The whole thing started when Kernya Moo-ah met with four people to help plan the party. I believe one of the men, who remained silent and whose name was not put on screen, was the same party planner that Sheree Whitfield once asked who, exactly, was expected to check her, boo. I could be mistaken. This time around he had on glasses, like we wouldn't be able to tell Superman from Clark Kent. I think it was the same guy. Please, please be the same guy. Oh, the one thing that had nothing to do with the party last night was Porsha's visit to Touchstone, which is where her psychiatrist lives. With a name like Touchstone you would think magicians lived there, and we are going to need a wizard to get any sense into Carvell, Porsha's husband who is a Cookie Puss come to life. He is also kinda awful. OK, he is entirely awful. And knowing that he filed for divorce just recently made this whole thing hurt more than getting a paper cut on your eyelid. Carvell was really talking some nonsense. He wants Porsha to stay home and cook and clean for him and raise his children and not have a job. That is fine, if that is something Porsha wants too. It clearly is not. Then he says he wants her to have all that, but she hit the nail on the head saying, "You agree to it, but then you make it impossible to accomplish." I hate to say this, but maybe it's best that they got divorced. They never seemed like they were on the same team. The only time he came to her defense was at the fight when he got into a silly altercation with Kernya's main gay Brandon that made no sense and that was more because Brandon wasn't letting Carvell control the situation. He doesn't really defend her honor in any way, he just defends his honor in regards to how peopel are treating her. It's like Brandon was leaning on his car or something. The way Carvell treats her like a possession is gross. There's being protective and then there's carting something away like it's a statue that you bought at one of those stores in Manhattan that has been GOING OUT OF BUSINESS for the last 17 years. No one wants to live like that.  So, the party. Well, first, let's talk about everyone's outfits. Kernya Moo-ah absolutely killed it as Pam Grier. The wig, the body suit, even her face looked like a young Miss Greir. It was errrrrrrrrrrr-ything as the children would say. She might be awful on the inside, but there sure is some wonderful goodness on the outside (when she's not wearing too much foundation and her skin isn't broken out). Cynthia Bailey looked good as Diana Ross, but she should have gone with her shimmery caftan dress instead. We all know she has like seven Diana Ross wigs, so why she didn't wear one of them is beyond me. She looked like she could have tried harder. Her husband Peter looked great...if he was dressed as an asshole, because that's what he acted like all night. NeNe Leakes got her gays to pull her together a Grace Jones look that would do any costume party proud but, I'm sorry, Grace is next to impossible to fully pull off and, well, she didn't quite. Kandi Burruss. Oh Kandi. You came and you gave without taking and we want to send you home to change, Oh Kandi. She looked like the the girl on the cover of the Tina Turner costume bag that you buy at Halloween Adventure where she looks like the celebrity she's supposed to be imitating, but everything is, well, just a little off and cheap. That wig looked like it used to be a homeless person's coat and it got so warn down someone combed it into a hairpiece. The rest of her costume was just, well. Not good. Phaedra Parks looked delightfully daffy as Eartha Kitt's Catwoman, but she was, you know, a TV character so it wasn't really applicable to the theme. That and some stun guns (I would like one of each of Phaedra's ridiculous products in a gift basket on Shop By Bravo Dot Come, please) were all Phaedra did last night.  RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks Are Both Working on Their Fitness And then Porsha Stewart. Poor, poor Porsha. Now, Kernya wanted all the ladies to dress like iconic black women in film or iconic characters played by black women in film and then she was so bold as to tell each woman who she should come dressed as. Porsha's homework assignment was to come as Halle Berry from B.A.P.S., a movie that is not iconic and a role that is not iconic and, well, it was a way for Kernya to be mean to Porsha. Ms. Stewart, to her credit, tried on some B.A.P.S. looks at the hair salon and I think she actually looked really good. Like hoochie good, but still really good. Anyway her weave weaver convinced her that Kernya was trying to play a trick on her which, duh. Porsha was in a pickle. Go as Halle Berry according to plan and be a patsy or try something else? Well, the joke was on her no matter what. Porsha shows up at the party dressed as Halle Berry not as B.A.P.S., but as Halle Berry as Dorothy Dandridge. So, basically she came as Dorothy Dandridge and you can cut out the Halle Berry part altogether. She looked good in a shimmery gold gown and a cute short 'do (maybe with all this divorce nonsense, she should change her hair and do this for real?). When Kernya saw her dressed as Dorothy Dandrige she flipped her afro wig and told Porsha to get out. She actually had security escort her out of the party because she wore the wrong costume. What sort of black souled beast is this woman? You know when you would leave the front door open as a child and your mother would say, "Were you raised in a barn?" What do you say to Kernya Moo-ah? "Were you raised in a Victorian orphanage where you were starved and beaten and all the love, decency, and manners driven from your heart?" Is that what you say? What can you say? You can say nothing. You can stand there and gape at her incredibly misconstrued sense of appropriateness. This was the grown up equivalent of packing up your toys and heading home.  Now Porsha might have handled it a little bit better. She smiled and smugly said, "I didn't want to do B.A.P.S. I did Dorothy Dandrige." She could have tried to play it off a bit more. "Oh, I wasn't comfortable doing that and Carvell gets made if I show off my Flying Saucers to everyone else in Cookie Puss Village," or maybe, "I tried to get B.A.P.S. together and I just couldn't find the right thing but I had this lying around so I just threw it together at the last minute." Something like that to show she tried. Either way it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Kernya had laid the perfect trap. If Prosha would have been humiliated if she showed up as B.A.P.S. (You know how if you say something absurd long enough it starts to sound kinda surd and then the absurdity of that surdity makes you feel like your brain is meling into a pile of goo and their is a half-eaten sugar cone sticking out of it? That's how I feel  about B.A.P.S. right now.) and if she didn't show up as B.A.P.S. then Kernya could humiliate her by throwing her out of the party. She even went so far as to pretend that she had some elaborate sketch planned for Porsha, but we all know that's a ruse. That's a scam. That's like that store in Manhattan that says it's been GOING OUT OF BUSINESS for 17 years. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore Wants to Kill Her Ex-Boyfriend The rest of the Housewives did the right thing for a change and they all left the party together in protest.  Cynthia, usually Kernya's only ally, even told her that she went too far. Kenya was being stupid. She was being as ridiculous as her afro wig was big. She was being as insincere was her peephole cutout was well placed. She was being as rational as her party theme was totally overdone and annoying. The whole thing was laughably stupid. She had no real argument at all. "OH, I had to cancle the program." Oh, shut up Kernya. You made that all up. (PS-This is also why the Housewives should never go to a costume party. The only thing worse than grown women fighting is grown women fighting while wearing ridiculous costumes. Remember Vicki at the Bunga Party last year on Real Citrus Rinds of Limefruit Jungle? It's sort of like getting a call that your mother died and having a Sisqo ringtone.)  But praise be to NeNe Leakse who showed up in a chariot drawn by two Nubian gods and she showed them all that, even though she is off in L.A., she is still the alpha female around here. People coaxed Porsha back in the party and NeNe told Kernya she better apologize or she was going to whip her to death in her Grace Jones costume. (However, NeNe shouldn't have gotten all up in that, "Never burn a bridge," line of reasoning when she and Kim had a falling out the way that they did.) Kernya did apologize and, while we all know it was a pile of iconic dung in film (probably from Weird Science) at least she did it and made it sound sincere.  And with that the party ended. The season ended, and we found out everything that happened to all of the housewives in those humorous little end cards that have become a staple of the series. They are all light and jovial and full of little digs. But not Porsha's. No. Hers just said. "Carvell filed for divorce." Period. Send. That is all it said. No pun, no sparkle in its eye, no hope for the future. Just a funeral procession driving across your screen. It was like a woman crying in her car in front of her lawyers office, just straggling out there along letting everyone see its mascara run down its face. Poor girl. Yes, the party was over, all the guests were gone, the tears were dried, the animosity tamped deep down so that the finale party could go off without a hitch. The cameras were switched off. It was really over. The workmen were stacking up the chairs and taking down the "step and repeat" and Kernya Moo-ah decided it was finally time to take off her wig. She held it in her left fist by the knap as she ran her right hand through her real hair, mussing it around and trying to get rid of that strange painful feeling you get in your scalp when your hair has been immobilized for too long. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Everyone Is Fighting About Strippers She took a long walk over to the window and tried to look out at the night, but she just saw her reflection looking back at her, that gorgeous red dress and that hair that was crying bloody murder. Oh, how did she get here, she thought. What a year. All the fights and break ups and new friends and old wounds. All of this work and heartbreak and not anyone had seen it yet. "They're gonna love me," she thought about what was going to happen when the audience finally gets hold of this footage. "They are going to love me. They are going to do the Gone with the Wind fabulous twirl and they are going to buy my exercise video and they are going to be stealing my look and trying to be me. They're going to tell all the other women that they're wrong and they're gonna see, NeNe is gonna see, that the fans love me the most now. It's time for Kernya Moo-ah to arrive and she has, darling. Oh how she has. Just you wait. They're gonna adore me!" She focused, not out on the stars and haggard trees beyond the pane but on her reflexion and, with her wig still in one hand, tried to shape the mess that was on her head. She got it to something she considered workable and then gave her best beauty pageant smile to the reflexion and turned around quickly on the balls of her feet. The dance floor was empty. There was no one to tell her if she was right or wrong, no one to tell her she looked good or a fright, just the parquet floor with a lone, green champagne bottle right in front of her feet. A workman rushed over and tried to pick it up, but Kernya said, "No, leave it." She kicked it slowly across the floor and followed behind it, kicking that empty bottle over and over again. She was soothed by its uneven rolling and bolstered by its little green glints sent off in every direction. But mostly she loved the sound it made while it rolled alone, completely hollow. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • Sarah McLaughlin's Cat Went Insane and She Had to Put It Down
    By: Brian Moylan Apr 01, 2013
    Sarah McLaughlin, well known as a lover of animals, had to euthanize her cat "The Monster" several years ago after it went completely crazy. "He literally went insane and tried to kill me," McLaughlin says. "It was a weird thing. I had this cat for 8 years and out of nowhere he violently attacked me. I had to take him to the vet a bunch of times and we tried putting him on antidepressants but he just didn't improve and we had to put him to sleep." McLaughlin says that her vet explained that her cat's sudden shift of demeanor was probably caused by a brain tumor or some other ailment. "He was a big cat and they're very powerful when they pounce," she says about the initial attack. "He pounced on my ankle and he had me trapped and I was profusely bleeding. There was a huge stain on my old couch." Ever since the attack McLaughlin says that she is really scared of other cats. "When I think about living with a cat again, it makes my heart race," she says. "I'm fine when I'm around cats that I know that are sweet and kind, but if I don't know it, I won't go anywhere near it." She says that she might try getting a dog before living with another cat. Sarah McLaughlin can't stand those late night ASPCA ads with the faces of injured cats and dogs set to the song "Arms of an Angel" that play to our pity in order to convince us to sponsor animals that have been abused. "They are the worst. I can't watch them," says McLaughlin. "Animal suffering kills me more than anything. I get all upset and I have to turn it off." McLaughlin, 33, a jewelry designer who lives in Washington, D.C., says that she attended the first Lillith Fair in 1996 and her friends had plenty of fun telling all the other concert goers that she has the same name as the Canadian headliner (even though the famous Sarah spells her last name McLachlan). "Everyone asked to see my drivers license to prove it was real," she says. "Who would lie about having the same name as someone famous?" Certainly not our Sarah, and certainly not on April Fools. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Arunas Klupsas, Sarah McLaughlin] You Might Also Like:15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes10 Insane 'Star Wars' Moments You Didn't Notice
  • Is 'Mr. Selfridge' the New 'Downton Abbey'?
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 30, 2013
    The funny thing about Downton Abbey is that it seems to be like every other one of PBS' British imports: a stodgy costume drama that hews closely to a formula that hasn't changed since Charles Dickens was in short pants. While that may be true, there is something magical about the drama that has captivated audiences in the UK and made it PBS' only hit in, well, decades. But can they replicate the magic again? Their certainly hoping to, and this time the Brits' eyes seem set on America. Welcome to Mr. Selfridge.  The newest bet to keep themselves off of government handouts and keep their audience sending away checks to get quality programming and an endless supply of tote bags is this Jeremy Piven drama based on an actual historical figure. Just like Downton, it is imported from ITV. Unlike the previous show, this one seems configured to take the colonies by storm. First of all it stars an America, Jeremy Piven, the sushi-sick actor who we still have to claim as our own no matter how much we want to disavow him (and all those Emmys he won for Entourage), and he's playing an America. Next, it follows the Downton formula so closely that it could be a conjoined twin. Or maybe an America cousin.  RELATED: 'Downton Abbey' Season Finale Recap: Everything You Need to Know The comparisons start off right from the beginning, with the title sequence, a plinkety, catchy and immediately recognizable theme song plays over the actors names as we see flashes of life in London in 1909. The title character is a huckster from Chicago who comes across the sea to create the greatest department store in the world. Not only do we deal with him, his family, and the high-class London set that he runs with hoping to cultivate investors and customers from the upper echelons, we also get the stories of the shop girls, clerks (which the British still pronounce with a long A), and other functionaries in the store. It's the same upstairs/downstairs effect as another show of which we've grown very fond and has a penchant for killing off its nobles. This one was written by Andrew Davies, who masterminded the critically adored and popular adaptations of Pride and Prejudice, Vanity Fair, and House of Cards for British TV.  So, does it live up to its older brother? Well, yes and no. It only has about 7 million viewers in its home country, which is less than the 10.7 million who watched the Season 3 finale of the show and the 11.5 million people that PBS says watched Season 3 of Downton on our shores. Still even half that would be quite a feat for the little channel to pull off.  RELATED: 'Downton Abbey' Season 3 Breaks Ratings Records As for the quality, it just doesn't quite have the same spark. Jeremy Piven is, well, Jeremy Piven, a nimble actor who is nearly impossible to like. As a snake oil salesman with a noble clientele, he has a bit of charm, but there is nothing behind the character. We have no motivation for why he wants to succeed or what the stakes are if he doesn't, other than the obvious. (Also knowing the real Selfridge ended up peniless on the street doesn't bode well for his character.) The female characters are more well drawn and interesting, especially accessories salesgirl Miss Towler (Aisling Loftus), ingenue and spokesmodel Ellen Love (Zoe Tapper), and sultry noblewoman Lady Mae (Katherine Kelley, who has already said she won't be back for Season 2, which ITV has already ordered). Sure the show (and the store) may be named after the man they're all chasing, but they're the ones who are shoplifting it.  Still the American aspect of the show is what is the most interesting. Here is the man who turned shopping from a drudgery into entertainment, and of course it took someone from the good old U.S. of A. to create conspicuous consumption. But is this what our countrymen want to watch necessarily? Well the ones who are already fans of PBS and costume dramas will surely be amused, but for the rest of it, the show is a bit like one of Selfridge's blustering speeches: lots of flash with little sentiment behind it.  Mr. Selfridge debuts with a two-hour episode on PBS on Sunday, March 31. Check your local listings or Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: PBS] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • Amazon's 'Zombieland' Pilot Gets a Cool Poster and Promo Shot
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 29, 2013
    So, the Zombieland pilot, right? It's gonna be awesome right? Well, based on the first promo images it looks kinda cool.  Amazon is turning the action comedy into a pilot for a crazy program they're doing where they make the first episode of a dozen series, and then viewers get to vote on which makes it into an online series. This is the first still and poster we've seen from any of them and considering how hot a property the cult favorite is, they sure picked a doozy.  RELATED: Amazon Orders 'Zombieland' Pilot We can't really tell anything from either image, other than the fact that the gang is all here and, you know, fighting zombies and eating chocolate bars. On the smaller screen (which is what we're going to start calling shows you watch on an iPad) the main roles are played by Kirk Ward, Tyler Ross, Maiara Walsh, and Izabela Vidovic. I don't know about you, but this one has my vote already.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Amazon] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • 'Man of Steel' May Be Packing a Substantial Second Villain
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 29, 2013
    Christopher Nolan being Christopher Nolan, he likes a secret more than he likes turning a super hero dark and brooding. So there hasn't been a ton of information about what the heck is going on with Man of Steel the Superman reboot that he is producing and Zack Snyder is directing. We do know that Michael Shannon is billed as villain (kneel before) Zod, but is there another baddie joining the cast? Oh, and if spoilers are your Kryptonite, maybe stop here and just click on the link below this paragraph instead.  RELATED: Zack Snyder Hints at 'Man of Steele' and 'Justice League' Tie In This is all very gossipy, but Ain't It Cool News is reporting that Lex Luthor is going to be making an appearance in the movie. Just how they ascertained this information seems to be, well, sketchy. Apparently he is going to be played by Mackenzie Gray, who played a clone of the bald villain on the show Smallville. Alright, this sounds a little off to me. If Nolan/Snyder is going to cast someone as Lex Luthor (who will probably be on deck for the inevitable sequel) they could have any huge name in Hollywood. Why would they choose some guy who already played the part on a TV show of which this production is probably trying to avoid comparison? They did find the below video where Gray confirms he is in the movie but "can't say what [he's] playing, only that [he] is in the movie." Curiouser and curiouser.  Who is he going to play and how much of the movie will he be in? (My vote is Mixelplix.) Because this is a Christopher Nolan production, we're going to have to wait until June 14 to know for sure.   Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Warner Bros.] You Might Also Like:15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes10 Insane 'Star Wars' Moments You Didn't Notice
  • Martin Scorsese Is Bringing 'Gangs of New York' to TV, 'Copper' Beware
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 29, 2013
    You know how sometimes you're not sure that you really want something until someone tells you about it and then you're dying to have it? Well, guess what. Martin Scorsese and Miramax, a studio built out of melted Oscars, announced that they're going to turn the 2002 film Gangs of New York into a TV series. You want it now, right? Well, seems like we already have it.  The series will focus on the start of organized crime in America and the people who fight it, according to The Wrap. Wait, doesn't that sound a lot like Copper, the BBC America show about, well, the start of organized crime in America and people who fight it? But wait, GONY will also be about the mob in other cities across the country too, like Chicago and New Orleans. So it's going to be totally different. And sprawling. Maybe so sprawling it will be messy. But don't worry, this is only in development now and a channel hasn't been attached yet so it could change before it makes it on the air. Or it might not happen at all. And if it doesn't, we always have Copper and, um, Boardwalk Empire, a show Martin Scorsese produced about, um, the start of organized crime in America and the people who fight it.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Miramax] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes