Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • 'Survivor' Recap: A Recipe for a Boring Season
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 28, 2013
    The Survivor producers' recipe for this season seems to be the following: Add Phillip. Stir gently. Add heaps of Reynold for garnish. That's it, that's all we're getting. Know what? It's turning up snoozeville. The producers of this show, ring leader and middlebrow mercenary Jeff Probst especially, have come to value buffoons like Phillip. There are the people like him and Coach who misbehave so spectacularly and act so goofily that they think they make for good television. They do not. They are annoying. They aren't despicable or cunning enough to be evil, or for us to love to hate them. They're just sad and deluded. I don't want to watch that. I just want to run away from that in the opposite direction. I don't know if the editors are ignoring all the other players for Phillip (and let's not forget Reynold), or if there's just not that much more excitment happening that we're missing. But they are leaning on him like a crutch. And even though he tied a scarf around that crutch to try to make it look fun, it's still some ugly emergency room crutch that no one wanted in the first place. RELATED: 'Survivior' Recap: How a Tribe Switch Up Ruined the Game We started off with Phillip walking around camp talking about how big and bad and strong he is and how he's a gorilla or a lion or a chimpanzee or a muskrat or some stupid nonsense. He arm wrestled Cochran, who laughed at him behind his back, and Philip talked himself up going into the challenge, bragging like usual. The only thing more boring than listening to someone else's dream is listening to someone else brag. At the challenge it was the old Survivor standard, where both teams had to race around a circle carrying a bunch of weight until one team could catch the other. It was sort of like a metaphor for this season, a weighted down slog with some intermittent action, but at its heart it was boring. There is no way that the "Not so Young and the Rest of Us" can beat the "Bold and the Beautiful." There is just no way. It's like having a drunk possum try to race a cheetah. But, thanks to the magic of editing and Phillip being awful (and the preview of the episode from the week before) we knew that Phillip was going to mess it up. He did. He stumbled and fell and mucked it all up and "NYRU" lost, but that was, honestly, an inevitability. So even though everyone blamed Phillip, it was more the fault of the tribes being so horrifically mismatched. Brenda won no friends by doing a "cookies and cakes, cookies and cakes" dance when her team won — after she did no work at all — and they all went off to eat cookies and cakes. Malcolm and Reynold got together so that Reynold could make his second pretty people alliance of the game (how well did that work out for you last time, Big R?) and that was the last we heard of the BB for the rest of the evening. Bye guys! RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Brandon Hantz Has a Monumental Meltdown Back at Team NYRU, Philip has a big crush on Julia, who I think he wants to take out into the bush and shower with kisses, and Corinne has a big crush on Michael because he is a gay and she thinks that's "neat." Philip laid some trap for Julia, where if she told anyone that he wanted to work with her then she was betraying his trust. She told Dawn and then Dawn, instead of trying to help Julia unseat Crazy Pants, ran right back to him and told him. He decides his crush was over, and that she needed to go. The challenge is nothing but a formality at this point, and BB paddled a boat, rescued a statue, grabbed some keys, undid a lock, and hoisted the statue up a ramp while Philip walked around the beach, scratching his saggy drawers and spitting on the sand, not doing much of anything. Boring. Then the plotting began, but we knew that one of the former Fans was going home. Phillip initially wanted it to be Julia, who betrayed him, but when Corinne refused to split the votes to flush out an immunity idol that didn't exist, Phillip decided to kick out Michael. Then he wanted to kick out Corinne, but said he couldn't. All this is going on and I'm thinking, "Why is no one talking about voting out Phllip?" He's weak. He's useless. He makes life around camp intolerable. He can't be relied on and blows up as soon as the wind blows through his knickers. Get rid of him! Corinne had her vote, Michael's, Julia's if she wanted it (she would have done anything to stay), all she had to do was convince Cochran, who had already talked to her about how ridiculous Phillip was, and she would have been golden. Dawn might have even flipped too. What sway does Phillip hold over them? Why can't they snatch it together and show him the torch snuff? They didn't know that a merge was coming next week (again, the producers trying to get some juice out of this lackluster season by bringing it on early), but I think if they did, they might have gotten rid of Phillip. Also, his not wanting to take Michael through the merge was stupid. If you have someone who will play with you, why not play with him? More numbers never hurt in this game. It's like having more bottled water. You might not need it all, but it's gonna be handy in case you do. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Unexpected Injury Causes Another Player to Leave the Game They marched off to tribal and voted out Julia. This was one of the most forgettable episodes of the show that I think I have ever witnessed, even with all of Phillip's antics about being strong, saying he threw the challenge when he obviously didn't, talking about "killing the cubs" to save face, and wanting to vote every person in the camp out at one point or another. I don't find that amusing. I don't find it fun. I don't find it interesting. I find it makes me want to press STOP on the DVR and watch this week's episode of RuPaul's Drag Race all over again. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • Jon Hamm Is Handling His Enormous Penis All Wrong
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 27, 2013
    Everyone knows that Jon Hamm has got a serious bulge in his pants. No, not from his wallet stuffed with all that Mad Men cash. It's in the front. You know, right in the crotch region. OK, to stop beating around the, um, bush about it, Jon Hamm has a big penis. It's huge. You can see it all the time; it just swings around in loose pants when he doesn't wear underwear (which is allegedly often). It creeps up in paparazzi pictures and is supposedly so large that AMC had to Photoshop it out of the press photos. It's almost as famous as Hamm himself is. Just look in the picture above. You can totally see his religion (and, seriously, with a phallic symbol that big, people should be praying to it).  But in the latest issue of Rolling Stone, Hamm has a bone to pick about his ham bone and all the attention it gets. "Most of it's tongue-in-cheek," he says of the attention his package has garnered. "But it is a little rude. It just speaks to a broader freedom that people feel like they have — a prurience." Hamm might be right. But need we remind him that he is a famous person by trade? The tabloids taking pictures of him is part of the bargain he made when he got famous and agreed to have his visage plastered on the sides of buses. If he didn't like it, maybe he should have stuck to bit parts and regional theater. RELATED: The Internet Is Obsessed with Jon Hamm's Penis Getting annoyed about people talking about your enormous endowment is also like being bothered when people say you are rich or beautiful. And not being able to accept a compliment is a bit unbecoming. The public wants him to be humble because they are already jealous of his fame, money, and good looks. With this development, they now have one more private shortcoming to measure themselves against. We see Hamm's size as something to be proud of and because he doesn't seem to share our appreciation, it just makes the rest of us hate him a little. And if we didn't hate him already for just bristling at the attention, he has even more choice quotes to share with Rolling Stone. "They're called 'privates' for a reason," he says. "I'm wearing pants, for f**k's sake. Lay off. I mean, it's not like I'm a f**king lead miner. There are harder jobs in the world. But when people feel the freedom to create Tumblr accounts about my c**k, I feel like that wasn't part of the deal ... But whatever. I guess it's better than being called out for the opposite." First of all, Hamm may be wearing pants, but he clearly forgot his underwear. As an adult human celebrity who goes out in public knowing that, sometimes, paparazzi are going to be around, shouldn't he, you know, tuck it into a pair of Hanes? He can't help everyone's obsession with his you-know-what, but he can help how he shows it off — or doesn't — to the public. Just like Britney Spears needed to learn to put on panties before getting out of a limo, someone needs to teach Hamm the importance of proper support.  RELATED: Jon Hamm on 'SNL': The Skits You Missed Kate Upton's boobs have their own Twitter account. Kim Kardashian's butt has entire slideshows devoted to it. Angelina Jolie's leg is a meme onto itself. This is our culture. We objectify celebrities' bodies, especially those of the female variety. Welcome to the club, Hamm. Trying to stop it is like Nicki Minaj protesting coverage of her nip slips or every starlet who borrows a dress trying to get the press to stop talking about her sideboob, under boob, baby bump, bikini body, or any other ridiculous thing we have invented to dissect every inch of her body. I think I speak for all women everwhere when I say, "Tough titty, Jon." Yes, he is handling this non-troversy all wrong. The actor has made a career out of not only being the wonderful actor on Mad Men (who has been robbed of an Emmy multiple times), but also as the smart, cool, and fun guy you want to party with. He appears on 30 Rock and makes fun of how handsome he is. He hosts Saturday Night Live and slays it as the live action Ambiguously Gay Duo. He stole scenes in Bridesmaids as the world's second most hilarious douchebag. (Sorry, New Girl's Schmidt still takes the cake.) We loved that guy. RELATED: Nicki Minaj Joins the Nip Slip Hall of Fame Do you know what that guy doesn't do? He doesn't complain about all the positive attention his nether regions are getting and harp about how famous he is. The guy we love goes on SNL and does a silly skit about "Huge Dongs Anonymous" and plays it for laughs. He diffuses the situation with jokes. Or he gets a $10 million endorsement deal with Fruit of the Loom and turns his blessing into cash in some gently ribbing commercials. The guy we love does not shed tears in Rolling Stone and he certainly doesn't pose for the awful cover shot like he's an extra in Swingers. The man we see on Rolling Stone's cover looks less like Don Draper and more like someone who thinks he's money but is ignorant of the contrary truth. What happened to the life of the party? What happened to the guy everyone in Hollywood wanted to be in their comedies and everyone in America wanted to come over for a BBQ and grill their weinies? The Rolling Stone flavor of Jon Hamm doesn't sound like the guy we want to have over for beers. He seems serious and awful and like all the other privileged, famous jerks to whom he once provided the antidote. He needs to change directions on this. Seriously, Jon Hamm, don't let the coverage of your penis turn you into a dick. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Lawrence Schwartzwald/Splash News; Rolling Stone] You Might Also Like:15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes10 Insane 'Star Wars' Moments You Didn't Notice
  • The Least Normal Things About 'The New Normal': John Stamos Is Addicted to Love
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 27, 2013
    NBC's The New Normal is a delightful show about a not very ordinary gay couple trying to have a surrogate daughter with a strange woman who has an oddball child and an unbelievably bigoted (and funny) grandmother. NeNe Leakes is also somehow involved. As much as it would like us to believe that this is the way the world works today, like most Ryan Murphy shows it is a celebration of the oddities within all of us. Therefore this weekly feature is both a celebration (and indictment) of all the abnormality contained within it. Normal: Being an Eagle Scout for life. Abnormal: Any homosexual Eagle Scout who still hasn't given up his honors. Normal: "Jews are cheap" jokes. Abnormal: "Jews are cheap" jokes that aren't even funny. RELATED: The Dos and Don'ts of Dating from 'The Mindy Project': When You're Doing It All Normal: Making a joke about bears.Abnormal: Making a joke about gay bears you have to explain to 10 year olds. Normal: Wanting to do it with John Stamos. Abnormal: John Stamos wanting to do it with you. Normal: Keeping around clothes from when you were in high school. Abnormal: Actually fitting into clothes that you had when you were in high school. Normal: Needing help. Abnormal: Going to Love Addiction Anonymous. That sh** is crazy. Normal: Everyone falling in love with John Stamos. Abnormal: John Stamos thinking that's a problem. Normal: Gay people taking baths together. Abnormal: Those gay people not being lesbians. Normal: A gay man wearing a Boy Scout uniform. Abnormal: It is not Halloween. RELATED: 'New Girl' Recap: A Death in the Family Normal: Kids waiting to play make believe. Abnormal: No one wants to play Project Runway anymore. What is it? 2007? Normal: Complimenting a woman on her shoes. Abnormal: No straight man would talk about black suede Louboutin ankle boots. Normal: Wanting to dress up when you go out into the wilderness. Abnormal: Wearing a Margiela sweater when you go to the park to tell the Boy Scouts that you aren't gay. Normal: Thinking you don't look sexy outside of your Boy Scout uniform. Abnormal: Thinking you look sexy in a grey sweater where everyone can see your nipples sticking out. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: NBC] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • Hollywood Reacts with Sadness to Today's Supreme Court Prop 8 Ruling
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 26, 2013
    It's a very sad day for gay Americans. Today the Supreme Court heard arguments for and against Proposition 8, the California ballot initiative that struck down the state's marriage equality law. While some were expecting the Court to overthrow Prop 8 and once again validate Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi's wedding, it now looks like they aren't going to make any sweeping declaration.  We're very broken up about the news, and, if you look around the country, there are plenty of gay people and characters who are just as broken up. Look at how sad everyone is! Come on, Supreme Court. Stop bumming everyone out.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Warner Bros Television; Adam Rose/FOX; David M. Russell/CBS; Byron Cohen/NBC; Bob D'Amico/ABC; ABC; Vivian Zink/NBC; Eric McCandless/ABC Family; Peter Morrison/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images; Logo; Lacey Terrell/HBO; NBCU Photo Bank/Getty Images] You Might Also Like:15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes10 Insane 'Star Wars' Moments You Didn't Notice
  • 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Everyone's Laughing at Faye Resnick
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 26, 2013
    You know when you tuck into a big old pile of ice cream or frozen yogurt or a combination cherry and cola flavored Slurpee that you mixed yourself from 7-Eleven, and you are so excited by your sweet treat completely void of any substantive nutritional value whatsoever that you eat it too fast and you get that crippling headache that makes you double over in pain and push on your temples like you are going to force your brain out of the top of your skull? That's how I felt watching last night's Real Shrieking Harpies of Ghost Hill Mansion finale and reunion spectacular. It was just so much so fast and you thought it was going to be delicious but then....OH....TOO MUCH! That's what happens when you put it all together, I just can't even make my brain process all that fighting. This week I'm just going to ignore the reunion pretty much altogether. (Obviously Brandi, Yolanda, and Lisa won over an overly shrieky Kyle and Kim who cares more about showing up for a Master Cleanse or not then, you know, things that actually matter. Taylor, well, she is just such a non-entity on this show she might as well be a billow of smoke from a candle you just blew out. Lisa did lose points when she accused Kyle of using her and Adrienne so her husband could sell their houses, but otherwise she came off as likeable while the others were like screech monsters.) Yes, that's right, no more reunion talk. I'm just going to address the episode and we'll tuck into the entire reunion next week after the second part. Deal? Deal! OK, after the interloper Faye Resnick of the Morally Corrupt Resnicks, interrupted Brandi and Yolanda's discussion with Fetch and they walked off, they had another discussion with Fetch about the text that Brandi sent her that said she and her husband should cheat on each other. Brandi explained that it wasn't that serious, and that she gives shitty advice, and Fetch said she wasn't mad so it was no big deal. Yolanda, being the bad ass bitch that she is, told Fetch, "Well, then don't talk about people behind their backs if there's no problem." I love that Yolanda Bananas Foster does not know what show she is on, but that she also calls everyone out on their shit. There is no getting away with social niceties in order to diffuse a situation with YBF. Then we cut to Taylor for her only scene in the whole show, and she was talking to Linda Thompson, the ex-wife of David Foster Wallace, Bruce Jenner, and a string of other reality television stars all the way back to Ken Roberts, the original host of Candid Camera. Yes, she is that old. (She reconstructs her face once a decade using baby seal fat, paraffin wax, and a secret ingredient she stole from the late Dick Clark's nightstand.) Anyway, Taylor was on her sixth glass of rosé and she slurred to Linda, "Lishin. You're my friend and the reason Imma so mean to Yolanda is because you're my friend. And I love you. I love you soooo much. I want you to be my friend forever. Are you my friend? You're mys friend right? And you'll never hate me? But that's why I wanted to hates Yolanda, s'because you hate her and it was soooo mean what she did. No. Nooooo. Really. It was mean. It was awful. And I love you. You're my friend. Are you my friend? Is it OK for me to like Yolanda? I'll always love you more, because you're my friend." It was like the worst case of beer tears outside of a Syracuse sorority house. Cut to the couch where all the ladies were sitting and they saw, out of the corner of their eyes, that Lisa was talking to the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick. They all get up and clucked on over, like a bunch of chickens spotting specks of blood, and they all got their peckers out and were ready to peck peck peck until someone was lying on the marble floor in a heap of gored feathers, and someone else was the one true victor. That is what happens here. And at the center of the pecking, justifiably, was Faye Resnick. If I haven't said this before, I will say this now: Faye Resnick is the worst. She is worse than paper cuts, cracked iPhone screens, opening the box of donuts in the office kitchen to discover someone has taken the last one and not thrown the box away, and Chernobyl. That is how bad she is. Faye was telling Lisa, at her own party, that she thought Lisa used Brandi to fight her battles. Faye was all, "I really like you Lisa and I don't want to fight at your own party, but you are awful and you use Brandi to start shit." And she said it all in this tone that suggested, "I am blameless, it's you that's the problem." RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Adrienne Maloof and Faye Resnick Compete to Be the Wors Lisa rebutted by saying that Faye was Kyle's mouthpiece. Then everyone went back and forth saying who was who's mouthpiece, and how none of them needed mouthpieces because they are mixed martial arts fighters and they are hard core. They don't wear pads and gloves and they do not need mouthpieces. But seriously, who argues about "mouthpieces?" Who even has such a thing? Does this even exist in real life? Does this even exist in reality life? I don't think so. All of these women will speak their own minds much to their detriment, that is what got them on the show in the first place. Why would they need someone else to go around saying the things that they think? Why would they want someone else to create the drama when it's the drama that keeps them on the show in the first place? Without drama there is no camera time, and, much like America runs on Dunkin', these ladies' ego-engines run on camera time. Everyone turned on Faye and told her that she was awful and should stay out of it, that she had nothing to do with Brandi's argument with Adrienne or Fetch or Kyle or Kim. Wow, everyone is always fighting with Brandi, huh. She is the lynchpin to this whole little grenade of dissatisfaction. But she has never done anything directly to Faye so her reaction was just completely out of line. Then Faye said that she is bored with this whole argument, the one that she started in the first place out of maliciousness, and now that she was losing it it bored her. Faye had no stats or examples to back up her stance, only her misjiggered opinion, and when that failed, all she had left was feigned boredom. Kyle came over and was like, "Don't fight. Everyone get along. I'm not going to take a side," and I think that was even worse than taking a side. That makes everyone hate you, Kyle. She thinks that everyone will be happy with her if she stays neutral but it just exasperates everyone. Your job here is to make alliances and attack the other side and if you don't do that, then every side is going to hate you. Stop trying to do that child actor thing where you please everyone all the time forever. Oh, speaking of which, while there was this whole "Brandi is evil, no Faye is evil" thing happening (honestly, I can't even parse this fight except to say that Faye is the worst and, while Brandi is not blameless, she was being unjustly attacked in this instance) we had to deal with Kim. Kim wanted Kyle, and by extension the audience, all of us, to remember her pain. Kim was upset that Kyle was defending Adrienne against Brandi when Brandi hurt Kim, too. Kim just got shrill and repetitive like the "plinkety plinkety plink te plink te plink te plink te plink plink" of the ice cream truck in the summer, getting ever faster and louder as it approaches up the street. "Remember what she did to me, Kyle! Be upset for me!" RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: The Inauspicious Returns of Kevin Lee and Drunk Dana Wilkie Kim, we will never forget your pain. Your pain is right there in your forehead creases and your mussy hair. It is right there in your new nose and the way that your eyes droop toward the floor when you think no one is looking. Your pain is everywhere, and it will never, ever go away. But need we remind Kim that when Brandi said that Kim smokes crystal meth in the bathroom, which is only a hair away from being true, it was after Kim had hid her crutches and she and her sister had terrorized this woman they didn't know at a house party in an echoing mansion? She caused the pain that she brought on herself. This is the problem with all of these housewives fights. This is the problem with this fight in particular, a circling around once again like the constellations coming into yet another unfortunate alignment. There is no synthesis with these ladies, only repetition. They say they get over things, they say they move past it and change, but they never do. It's the same three petty grumbles echoed back and forth so many times that they just grow and grow in volume until they cause an avalanche. There is no healing here, only the picking of scabs until it gets infected and spreads to the blood and then the whole organism dies. After this Lisa Vanderpump renewed her vows and it was sweet and wonderful that she is in so much love with her husband, but it was also all so sad. It's so sad as relief to what just happened, all the venom and hate spewed by these hissing monsters when they're all capable of such love. Lisa and Ken are capable of being sweet and charming and self-effacing and funny and so, so in love that it is just palpable. It is the only real thing on this whole reality enterprise and when they dance you think of that day thirty years ago with Lisa in a giant hat and a Lady Di wedding dress and a completely different face ,and it had only been three months since they met and everyone scoffed as she shuffled down the aisle in a million ruffles but now look at where they are today, standing together at the eye of this shit storm. That is love. That is the future. Oh, I totally forgot the part where Adrienne, Queen of the Maloofs (a race of mole people that live beneath the mountain) arrived (OK, I didn't but I wanted to end with her). This was the last thing that Adrienne would ever do and, well, she is officially in contention with Faye Resnick for the title of The Worst. It was the day that Adrienne announced that she and her husband, Paullo the Chimp, were getting a separation and still, still she showed up at this party. Like Yolanda says, this is the day you stay home. This is the day you pull your children close to you and inhale the intoxicating scent of their warm hair. This is not the day you go to a party with no makeup on and collapse into a heap of sobs on a stranger's couch. That is not what you do. Adrienne played it all wrong. She came in and just fell onto the first woman who would give her any attention, and they all clustered with their hardened Kleenex from the bottom of their clutches and tried to pat the moisture off of Adrienne's fake eyelashes. She didn't even try to say hi to Lisa, who was hosting the party, whose house she was in. She said, "I saw Lisa see me, she could come over and comfort me and tell me how sorry she is." I am sorry, but that is not the way things work. First of all, it's hard hosting a party and I'm sure Lisa was running around with plenty to do. Also, it was Lisa's house. You should go over and say, "Sorry I can't stay, but I'm sure you understand," and let Lisa utter a kind word and then go back to the celebration of her marriage. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Kim Richards Will Always Be a Drunk No. That is not what Adrienne did. She slinked out the back with all the attention on her, not letting anyone deflect the spotlight of her grief for even a second. "Tell Lisa that I'm sorry I couldn't stay and I hope she has a great time, I have to get back to my children" she told Kyle. First of all, "get back to" your children? You shouldn't have left them in the first place! Second of all, what? No, Adrienne, Kyle will not say hi to Lisa for you. Lisa is 20 feet away. You are in her house. You march your stupid face with the consistency of a spackel on a wall over to Lisa and you tell her your damn self like a civilized person who lives in the world, not leave like a crazy ego monster. That was the night that Adrienne tottered back to her mountain, her big nasty ego mountain that is full of rocky crags, and when she got there, the mole people were waiting. They were all haunched over and yellow with their slitty little eyes hardly adjusting to the dusk, but they could still see here. She had abandoned them for the last time. She had gotten far too big for her own good, forgetting about her people and only involved with herself. "Go back to your holes!" she bellowed, wiping a stray tear from her face. They all flinched, so used to obeying her every word, but for the first time none of them moved. "Go back to the mountain! Get back in the mountain. Your queen demands it!" She hollered and yet, still, they did not move. "Go back! Go back!" and with that they began to lurch for her. "Go BACK!" she tried once more but it was too late, they began to run for her, their arms and feet taking turns resting on the ground as she started to run in the other direction and they all pounced, like a swarm of minnows devouring a shark she disappeared within their mass and all you could hear was the bloody squelching noises and a muffled scream. Queen Adrienne of the Maloofs was dead, consumed by her own vanity, destroyed by what she thought made her powerful. And that is why she was not at the reunion. That is why she will never be heard from again, because she dared to be the worst kind of rich person. Because she forgot about the little people. Andy Cohen told us that her last act as a Housewife was not showing up to the reunion but that was not her final act. Her final act was walking out on Lisa, it was leaving someone else's party with all the attention on her. It was screaming in the face of her people even as they thought to murder her. That is the last choice she made. That is the last thing she will ever do. The Queen is dead. Long live the Queen. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore and Phaedra Parks Are Both Working on Their Fitness
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 25, 2013
    I imagine what it must have been like to sit on the veranda of a giant Georgia plantation while the war was on, being fought so far away. The woman just sweltered there in their giant hoop skirts, drinking their sweet tea brought by maids that would soon be emancipated. They would just sit there with nothing else to do and worry and fret and fan themselves and think about all the balls they were missing. Then they would hear the slow clomping of a cart, the mules ambling down the path and they could hear it before they could really see it — before they could make out that shape. It could be just another merchant coming to sell them some wares or it could be a Union soldier waiting to set the whole house on fire. It could be anything. They couldn't know. They just sat there on that porch immobilized by the weather, waiting to see how it was all going to turn out. That's how I felt watching the Real Fainting Couches of Vapor Manor last night. It just seemed like so much rehashed drama and so much waiting. I had a hard time caring about any of it, really. First of all we had to deal with Act II of Kernya Moo-ah's freak out about Walter being at Kandi's party which, seriously, was so ridiculous and overblown that I wanted to just find her and punch her square in her head. She's all "Walter is stalking me and I need to leave immediately and I'm going to run over these cars if you don't move them." Oh, come on. Walter is many things – a dog, goofy, poorly-dressed, plenty sad, in need of a new face that doesn't make him look like he's happy he just took a dump in his drawers – but he is not dangerous. He's not going to hurt anyone. The hero in this story is Don Juan, Kandi's assistant, who was so calm and level-headed during the whole debacle while, as politely as possible, telling Kernya that she needs to calm the heck down and deal with it and take a deep breath and an even deeper gulp of rosé and let the whole thing just blow over. He should have punched her in the head though. Now onto Portia Stewart, who would be really funny as a sad little ditzy girl in the movie Cars. She would be like a pink sports car with big eyelashes who can never figure out how to put herself in gear because girls don't know how to drive and are dumb. She's just sort of stuck in one place being ordered around by a really mean driver who thinks he knows what's right for her, but really grinds her gears when he drives her. But she is afraid to say anything, because having a shitty driver is better than having no driver at all. I'm not sure how to segue that comparison into a paragraph about Portia going to therapy, so I'm just going to go there and bring you along with me. She's in therapy and we got to see it. Of all the crappy things that happen on reality TV, I think the worst is stars who bring us into their therapy sessions. First of all, I am skeptical of any psychological professional who would do such a thing. Secondly, how much healing and honesty can there really be when there is a camera in there the whole time? I don't think much. This is why LA Shrinks gives me the dry heaves. I don't want to watch any show about psychologists on TV ever never. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore Wants to Kill Her Ex-Boyfriend But Portia has some very real problems. Mostly she is not over the miscarriage she had a few months ago. Also, she's having a hard time with the first year of her marriage — mostly, completely sublimating her will to her husband who is – well, you could say that he likes things a certain way, but let's just say he's controlling. Yes, he's controlling. Also it doesn't seem like he was very sympathetic that she lost her baby, or at least she feels like he was not supportive and that feeling has grown in her heart like a sunflower next to a compost heap and it won't go away. She cries about it to her therapist and she says, "Um, you need to talk to your husband about this." She's going to bring him in next week for the season finale. Yup, this is going to go well. Speaking of other old news, the producers made it look like Phaedra and Kernya Moo-ah were both taping their respective exercise videos at the same exact time, but one was in L.A. and one was in a crappy sound stage in Atlanta. I'm sure this didn't happen exactly as it was filmed but, well, it was more dramatic. Also, there was an interesting shift in how these videos were shown. Kernya's video has always been a joke and, even if it is the better video, it should continue to be a joke. Kernya Moo-ah has never had an original thought in her head, so she just stole the idea from Pheadra and then made it look like she had the idea all along on her own. Kernya was too busy thinking about what color highlights to get and how she was going to put too much foundation over her lumpy skin to think up an idea for a video. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Everyone is Fighting About Strippers But, during the filming, it was Phaedra who got the brunt of the jokes while she made silly jokes and giggled and jumped around on one leg like she was circling a May Pole of death, and that the little children were circling her with chartreuse ribbons and enmeshed her in her green velvet body suit like she was Gulliver being tied to the ground by a tribe of miniature fitness buffs. It was like she was a hilarious amateur marching along like a soldier to the Battle of the Bulge, stammering and making all sorts of mistakes. Apollo, whose finer attributes were really highlighted in his loose athletic shorts, stumbled too, not knowing his lines and making some serious flubs. But, really, that happens on every video, on every set. That's why they have multiple takes. That's what we do with editing, children.  Speaking of editing, Kernya was shown as the consummate professional. She knows what to call cameras and how to say "last looks." She play acts that she's a movie star and part of that acting is knowing all the terms. She is just dropping words like "boom" and "best boy" and "grip" and "booty isolation" to make it look like she went to the New York Film Academy and bought herself entré into the world of the cinema. But really, this was just some 99 Cent Store set on some dusty back lot in Atlanta (actually, it was probably in the burbs somewhere). But, no, we're supposed to think that Kernya has the better video, but I will never think that. She will always be a copy cat and an also ran and no matter how many overhead shots she asks for, I'm still going to make her the butt of my jokes about booty videos. Speaking of the ladies getting to business, Kandi had a meeting with all of the reps who were going to be selling her Bedroom Kandi line at naughty Tupperwear parties across the nation. They all flew in just to hear their motivational speaker give them pointers on how to sell her wares to other women at intimate gatherings open-plan living rooms large and small while the kids are away at the sitter's. She was so moved by all the support that she got up on stage and she cried. She cried right there and told them all they were going to make millions together and I was really moved and inspired and I was so proud of our Kandi for doing something for the good of humanity and to make herself rich rich rich rich rich. Then I remember that it was all about dildos and, well, it just all seemed different. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Hot Messes and Messy Diapers Then Kandi lounged in bed with her man Sean and talked about marriage and her mother moving in and pre-nups and it was all nice and sweet and dandy and there is probably going to be a wedding next season. Or maybe there will be a wedding on The Kandi Factory, coming soon to a TV near you. Speaking of marriage, NeNe Leakes is getting married again. I never thought I'd say this, but I'm having a hard time getting invested in NeNe Leakes this season. Maybe it's because she's just out of the game too much and whenever she is with the other housewives she's talking about herself rather than the drama that surrounds them. Maybe it's because she finally has success and is living a good, full life which is just inherently more boring than falling apart and facing your demons (that's why there is no reality show called Wonderful Happy Times with the Lewis Family). Maybe it's because NeNe has just lost her spark. Whatever it is, I'm just not feeling it. But last night it was a nice scene when her ex-husband Gregg, always quick with a pun, a rhyme, or a groaner of a joke that is so bad that it makes you smile, tried to get down on one knee to propose and NeNe said yes. "I'd get down on one knee," he told her, "but I'm gonna need someone to help me back up." And NeNe laughed that infections laugh of hers that ends in a guttural stifle. Yes, NeNe laughed and she thought about the future. She thought about her show being renewed and going on for seasons and seasons and into syndication and living off that money in L.A. forever. She thought about qutting the show she was on with the petty sniping and griping and moving on to her real dreams. She thought about her son Bryson going to a good school and making something of himself, of being something boring and lucrative like a dentist or an accountant. She thought of her granddaughter Brie'Asia who could come to live with her and she would put her through private school in Bel Aire and she would be one of those awful spoiled children or rich people who only wears designer clothes and has one of those sweet 16 parties that you see on MTV and everyone at home thinks, "God, I want to kill that bitch but isn't she lucky." She thinks about it all as she stares into Gregg's eyes over the flowers he bought for just this occassion and she thinks, in that second that it's all going to be great. She thinks that this is the best it's going to get and it's going to stay like this forever. And then, on that abandoned veranda behind an Italian restaurant in L.A., the wind picks up and extinguishes the candles that had been providing just the perfect glow. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 13 Most WTF Fan Tributes
  • Helena Bonham Carter Takes on Lindsay Lohan as Next Actress to Play Liz Taylor
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 22, 2013
    Hollywood's favorite Hot Topic model, Helena Bonham Carter, could have any role in Hollywood that she wants — so why does she want to sully herself with a role that Lindsay Lohan made famous? (Or, should I say, infamous?) Our lady of the mismatched shoes is taking on the role of Elizabeth Taylor in a new made-for-TV movie about the star's volatile relationship with her on-again-off-again husband Richard Burton. Um, didn't we watch that on Lifetime this fall and it was called Liz & Dick?   RELATED: 'Liz & Dick' Is Bad in the Worst Possible Way HBC and Dominic West (always great on The Wire) will star as Burton and Taylor in the creatively titled Burton and Taylor on BBC America, the channel announced in a press release today. See, this is much more grown up and serious because they use the stars' last names. Get it? The 90-minute movie will focus on their relationship during a doomed 1983 revival of Noel Coward's play Private Lives. There will, assuredly, be no more mentions of LiLo in regards to this movie.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Kristian Dowling/AP Photo] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 25 Stars Before They Were Famous
  • Jay Leno and TV's 10 Other Most Infamous Failures
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 21, 2013
    TV is a rough business. Just when someone gets their big break – as a host or cohost of a show – they think they're golden. But then, some network suit rips it out of their grasp forever. In many of these cases the show then goes on to find great success and huge ratings. It burns. RELATED: If Jimmy Fallon Replaces Jay Leno, Who'll Replace Jimmy Fallon? Just look at what happened to Conan O'Brien! He finally graduated to The Tonight Show, but NBC decided to keep Jay Leno around, ruining his chances of making his turn at the 11:35 slot his own. And he's not the only one. As Leno now navigates his own downfall in the hands of Jimmy Fallon, here are some other examples of the fickle finger of fate ruining a TV star's chances: Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Justin Lubin/NBC/NBCU Photo Bank/Getty Images] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 25 Stars Before They Were Famous
  • 'Survivor' Recap: How a Tribe Switch Up Ruined the Game
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 21, 2013
    The worst part about watching Big Brother every season is that you know the producers have favorite house guests, and they try to massage the action of the season so the favorites can stay in the game. The good thing about Survivor, BB's classier network sibling, is that it always seemed too high-minded to do that. It would try to shake things up and make the game exciting, but who got voted out always seemed entirely up to the players. They've even lost some good ones when they decided to realign the tribes or throw a hidden immunity idol into the mix. It seemed like the integrity of the game was as high of a priority as making good television. Well, maybe not so much anymore. Last week, we dealt with the emotional meltdown of a player that everyone who was unstable. A player who, despite the protests of Jeff Probst and other producers, seemed to have been cast just so he could have such an episode. On this week's episode, we had a tribe switch up that, well, it seemed like it was rigged. I don't know if it was, but it certainly seemed like it. If the integrity of the game is being called into question, maybe it's time to reevaluate.  Jeff called the two tribes together under the guise of a reward challenge, but then handed out eggs to each of the players. Each egg had two different colors inside, and everyone would have to burst the eggs to determine their new tribe. Crack, smash, splat — and we have a reshuffle. The new tribes are "The Bold and the Beautiful" – Eddie, Reynold, Malcolm, Eric, Andrea, Sheri, and Brenda – and the "Not So Young and the Rest of Us" – Corinne, Philip, Michael, Cochran, Dawn, Matt, and Julia. What's funny is that this was a "random" draw, but one team is now poised to dominate and all the couples (Matt and Michael, Cochran and Dawn, Eddie and Reynold, Philip and Insanity) are all intact. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Brandon Hantz Has a Monumental Meltdown But that's not the worst of it. The episode started off talking about how the Fans tribe finally had a small victory when Brandon was voted off at the immunity challenge, and whether or not that meant they were going to rally. Isn't that a better story going into the episode than "We just made two tribes," especially because the tribes are so stacked? Doing it this week, when the tribes were at eight Favorites and six Fans means that each tribe now has four Favorites and three Fans. What do you think is going to happen? The Favorites are going to pick the Fans off and we'll have a merge made entirely of people who are having a second chance to play. And Reynold, since the editors seem to lurve him.  Why not wait one more week? Why not wait to see if the Fans could rally, win immunity, and force the Favorites to kick someone out? Then the tribes would be at seven and six. When you mix them up, you'd get one tribe where it would be even with Fans and Favorites, giving the Fans a fighting chance in the game. That does not seem to be something Survivor is interested in anymore. It's almost as if the thing is rigged for past players to make it to the finals. It's not enough that they already have more experience in the game; now, the deck is entirely being stacked in their favor. Back at camp, exactly what you thought was going to happen starts happening: the Favorites start talking about which of then Fans they want to vote out so they can maintain their numbers. Well, not everyone is that loyal. Apparently Corinne would like to play with a gay. Corinne is the kind of girl who is all, "I LOVE MY GAYS!" But the gays (in this case, Michael) have no input on whether or not they get to be loved. No, she's like Elmira on Tiny Toon Adventures where she just scoops this thing up and smothers it with affection that it didn't even ask for. Anyway, Corinne says that she would turn on her entire tribe so that she could play with a gay. When she says hilariously bitchy things, like declaring Philip to be as annoying as sitting next to a baby (with diarrhea) on a plane, it's obvious that, well, the gays would probably love to play with her too. That was the one good thing about the switch up, that we got to hear more from Corinne. We heard so much, I thought she was a goner for sure. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: An Unexpected Injury Causes Another Player to Leave the Game Philip was also thinking about flipping — or, at least, about getting Julia to flip to his side. Mostly, I think, because she is an attractive young lady and not with any sort of attributes she might have displayed otherwise. At the immunity challenge, I had a striking sense of deja vu. Wait. Where did I see this before? Oh, last week. This was supposed to be the challenge when Brandon was voted out. They decided to just recycle it. That marks the first night in all 93.7 seasons of Survivor that the challenge builders got a night off. There was a long night of drinking in Manilla, as they finally didn't have to work the next day in the middle of the season. Next week's challenge is sure to suffer. Anyway, the teams had to push a bunch of boxes across a field and then stack them up. Challenge, challenge, challenge; boring, boring, boring, the Bold and the Beautiful won by a landslide. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Yes, This Is Still on, But Should We Keep Watching Everyone at the Young and the Rest of Us decided they're going to vote off Julia because... obviously. She was a Fan and she sucked at the challenge. Easy peasy. But then, the plan switched to vote out Matt because they know he doesn't have the immunity idol (too desperate, all the experienced players recognize) and they want to break up the power couple of him and Michael. This way, Corinne gets to keep a gay all for herself. We headed to tribal council and Matt and his gross beard were sent packing. Michael ran for cover behind Probst and says, "Don't let her get me!!" But, yes, I'm afraid this starts a sad chapter in Survivor's history, one where it is more concerned with keeping returning favorites in the game and casting people who are unstable just to bring the "drama." The funny thing is that isn't why any of us fell in love with this show in the first place. We love it for the strategy, for the game play, for the human decisions that can change the balance of power forever, and not shifts made by producers meddling a bit too much. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! 25 Stars Before They Were Famous
  • Christina Applegate to Costar in 'Vacation' Remake, Prepares to Drive Station Wagon
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 20, 2013
    NBC sitcom disaster survivor Christina Applegate is probably very glad that the long nightmare of Up All Night is finally over. Now she gets to go back to the movies! Not only is she currently taping Anchorman 2: The Mustache's Revenge, but she's been cast in the remake/reboot/sequel-y think that they're turning National Lampoon's Vacation into, according to the Hollywood Reporter.  RELATED: 'Vacation' Reboot Writer/Directors on How They'll Update the Comedy Classic Now just called Vacation (Van Wilder seems to have sullied the National Lampoon's brand), Ed Helms plays Rusty, the son of the original 1983 classic, who is now grown up, married to hilarious hottie Applegate and headed to Wally World with his kids in their very own wood paneled station wagon. We'll sure there will be a texting joke that Chevy Chase still won't understand. We couldn't think of a better choice. To make another '80s joke, this Vacation is all we ever wanted. Welcome back, Christina.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Krista Kennell/Sipa Press/AP Images] You Might Also Like:15 Oscar-Winning Nude ScenesYoung Jack Black Is Totally Unrecognizable