Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /media/www/hollywood/Web/releases/20150325105258/vendor/doctrine/common/lib/Doctrine/Common/Annotations/FileCacheReader.php on line 202 Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /media/www/hollywood/Web/releases/20150325105258/vendor/doctrine/common/lib/Doctrine/Common/Annotations/FileCacheReader.php on line 202 Warning: Invalid argument supplied for foreach() in /media/www/hollywood/Web/releases/20150325105258/vendor/doctrine/common/lib/Doctrine/Common/Annotations/FileCacheReader.php on line 202 Famous Actors Kids Are All Getting Their Own TV Pilots
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 15, 2013
    What the heck is a Roofis Sutherland and why the heck does it have its own CW pilot? Well, he's a celebrity's kid and the hot trend in pilot casting seems to be giving famous actor's kids their own pilots. Just look at Sean Astin. Before he was the star of The Goonies and The Lord of the Rings he was the son of Patty "Identical Cousins Yes They Are" Duke. (Wow, speaking of identical cousins, these two really look alike!) Now he's going to co-star in CBS' new pilot Surgeon General. It's about, and this is a stretch, the Surgeon General of the U.S. As for the uniquely spelled Roofis Sutherland he is the son of Kiefer Sutherland and grandson of Donald Sutherland, which means this family should probably try to ressurect Dynasty on TBS to give Dallas on TNT a run for its money. Instead, Roofis (I really can't get over how stoopid the spelling of his name is, so like a celebrity kid) will play notoriously awful prognosticator Nostradamus in Reign, the CW's attempt to make Mary Queen of Scots trend on Twitter. We wish them, and their famous names, the best of luck.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: David S. Holloway/Getty Images] You Might Also Like:14 Movies Thshiat Are, Surprisingly, Not PornStars Who Have Lost Roles For Being Too Hot (Celebuzz)
  • WWE Wrestler Dave Bautista Will Be Green and Mean in Marvel's 'Guardians of the Galaxy'
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 15, 2013
    When looking to cast a giant green alien death machine with more muscle than tolerence, the pool of actors to choose from is, well, small. It totally makes sense that Marvel Studios went to the WWE when looking for someone to play Drax the Destroyer for their upcoming Guardians of the Galaxy flick. After all those powerhouses have the muscle and they're some of the greatest soap opera actors of our time! The green stuff, well, that's what makeup is for. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Marvel added Dave Bautista to the cast as Drax, a green ball of rage with a giant sword that is bent on destroying Thanos, the purple villain we all saw at the end of The Avengers. Well, not the end the end, the bonus ending in the credits. No, not the one where they were sitting around in the diner, the one before that. Man, these endings get so confusing. RELATED: Chris Pratt to Star in 'Guardians of the Galaxy' The only other major casting of the band of misfits trying to stop an intergalactic war is the inspired choice of Parks and Recreation's Chris Pratt as their leader Peter Quill. This seems to be another perfect choice for the part. Now, what are they going to do about Groot, the walking tree? Well, the Ents haven't been doing much since Lord of the Rings ended....  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Don Arnold/WireImage] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! Stars Who Have Lost Roles For Being Too Hot (Celebuzz)
  • Kandi Burruss Sues 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Co-Star Kim Zolciak Over Song Royalties
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 14, 2013
    Let's get one thing straight, "Don't Be Tardy for the Party" is a jam. But now it looks like it's going to be jamming up the court system as Real Housewives of Atlanta stars Kandi Burruss and Kim Zolciak fight over who should be making money off the dance single.  According to Us Weekly, Kandi and co-writer Rodney Richard both filed lawsuits against Zolciak, who didn't pay them for writing the song that put her on the charts. To anyone who is familiar with the show, this is an old battle and Kandi (who has a Grammy for writing "No Scrubs" for TLC) always said that Kim didn't give her any money though Kim made quite a bit of it hawking the catchy diddy on iTunes. In the past, Kandi said it was her fault for doing business with a friend and let the matter drop to keep the peace. Seems like she's changed her mind.  Burruss, who has enlisted fellow RHOA star (and former Bobby Brown attorney) Phaedra Parks as her legal council, is seeking an injuction for Zolciak to stop selling the song, punative damages, and attorney fees. Wow, this is going to make for some crazy reunion chatter. But this move might have something to do with the fact that Kim now has her own show (ironically titled Don't Be Tardy) on Bravo so Kandi and Phaedra won't have to deal with the fallout on camera. But maybe we'll see some glimmers of this on Kandi's new show The Kandi Factory. Or maybe this is just to create drama on both of them. These Housewives always have some sort of ulterior motive.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:Topanga's Revealing Lingerie Shoot: Hello '90s! Stars Who Have Lost Roles For Being Too Hot (Celebuzz)
  • What Is This 'Mad Men' Season 6 Party All About Anyway?
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 14, 2013
    Mad Men isn't exactly what you would call a "good time" show. Sure, there are plenty of social gatherings, but whenever there is a party it always ends with disaster. (Remember last season when Sally Draper discovered her "date" Roger Sterling in a rather compromising position?) So it's curious that the gallery images AMC is releasing before the show's hotly anticipated Season 6 premiere on April 7 are of the entire crew at some sort of gala, pretending like they actually like each other.  Since we're not going to get any details about the new season before the episodes start, I thought I'd take a crack at figuring out what everyone was thinking and how that might impact the plot that we're going to see. Fake spoiler alert! View The Gallery
  • 'Survivor' Recap: Brandon Hantz Has a Monumental Meltdown
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 14, 2013
    I'm so glad that there is only one thing to really talk about on last night's episode of Survivor, and I think that it's something that, just as the preview at the end of last week's episode predicted, we'll be talking about for a long time: the Brandon Hantz meltdown. Sure, there was a reward challenge and Reynold found the Idol that he played six hours earlier and it rained and some monkeys picked bugs out of each others' fur and ate them, but who cares. We need to talk about Brandon. Now, I'm not exactly sure what happened or how the cause created the effect of Brandon essentially quitting the game, but you can not make sense out of a person who appears to be either dreadfully stupid or mentally ill. I think the gist is that Phillip was annoying him (I can see how easily that would happen) and he lashed out at him. Then he apologized to Philip, who said that Brandon better be nice to him or he would be voted off. Then Brandon went berserk and spilled the rice on the ground and then poured out the beans, leaving the entire tribe with nothing to eat. But his rationale made absolutely no sense at all. "Now vote me out, bitch," he screamed on the beach. Yeah, they are going to vote you out. That's not really the threat you imagine it to be. That's something you holler when you win an immunity challenge and show your haters that you're impossible to eject, not when they are assured to snuff out your torch.  RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Unexpected Injury Causes Another Player to Leave the Game At the immunity challenge, it was clear that something was amiss (and the producers probably clued Jeff into it before they even got there), and Brandon made a speech to the Fans and was called over to Jeff for the world's longest and most uncomfortable neck rub every aired on television. After Corinne's very measured speech taking into consideration both Jeff and the other tribe (is she in PR or something?) Probst saw that Brandon had essentially quit and that everyone would vote for him anyway so he held tribal council right there and sent Brandon packing. That was, of course, after Brandon and Philip shouted over everyone and threw easy pot shots.  Ever since the "Favorites" landed on the beach, Brandon has been saying that he was going to pee in the rice and beans so this seems like something he was determined to do. He said it multiple times. It's as if he sat at home and made up what he was going to do and just waited for the slightest provocation to carry out his plan. That is because he is insane or, as he hinted in his speech, people made fun of him for crying on his last season of Survivor so he would rather the world think that he is a mentally unbalanced psycho than someone who actually has and feels emotions. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Yes, This Is Still On, But Should We Keep Watching?  But just look at his family — his uncle Russell is one of the most notorious assholes to ever play the game, and his cousin Willie had a spectacular a flame-out on Big Brother last season. Probst asked if it is "something in the blood," and I don't think that's true, but it's something in the completely misplaced values that everyone in the family seems to share: being seen as an aggressive badass is better than getting along or winning. The central problem with Brandon's argument is that it is completely illogical to being on and winning this show. When Philip told him not to "bite the hand that feeds him," Brandon decided that he is the "author of my own fate," as he told us loudly a million times. That fate is going home. That fate is quitting. That fate is terrorizing and torturing everyone. That is the fate you want to construct? Shouldn't the fate be winning a million dollars? RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: How a Bulge in One Man's Pants Changed the Game Brandon would rather evict himself from the game than win it by someone else's rules. Doesn't he realize that if he kept calm he could have evicted Philip? Dawn, Andrea, and Eric were all his friends, and trusted and liked him. That's an alliance of five. That is enough to get Philip out. But rather than do that, he'd rather go ape and ruin the game for everyone. Again, it doesn't make sense, but, again, I'm not crazy. Brandon did have valid points before going bonkers. Yes, Philip's "Stealth LTD" is stupid and his little nicknames are infantilizing everyone. Yes, he is annoying and takes the credit for everything. Yes, everyone made fun of him while Boston Rob took him to the end so that he could beat him in the finals so his confidence is entirely misplaced. But wouldn't it be better to spell out this case to everyone else rather than going berserk and assuring that he would be the one kicked out? Now, I can see why he spilled out the rice. Before he left, his uncle, three-time Survivor loser Russel Hantz said, "You don't take no shit from no one. They try to tell you who's in charge, you pee in the rice. That's how you play like a man! That's how you play Survivor." That is why Brandon, never the brightest crayon the tool shed, had that "pee in the rice" thing stuck in his head — that is what Russell told him he had to do. Know what? Russell does not know how to play Survivor! If he did, he would have won by now. But he has lost. He has lost three times. That's more than anyone. Know who knows how to play Survivor? Sandra Diaz-Twine, who has won both of the two times she played. Why don't you follow her example of coalition building, dissembling, and being the constant swing vote. That seems to be much more effective and she did it (as Brandon claims to have played but did not) on her own terms. So, yes, Brandon has his macho intact. He can go home and Russell and Willie and all the guys at the barber shop will be really proud of him. But everyone else watching will only talk about what a loser and idiot he is, and how he needs to seek help. That seems like a Pyrrhic victory at best. "My exit was glorious," he said after his eviction. No it was not, it was stupid. But he has his manhood. That's all that matters to him. What's more glorious? That no one saw you cry or a million dollars? Yes, Brandon — you chose wrong. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] You Might Also Like:14 Movies That Are, Surprisingly, Not PornStars Who Have Lost Roles For Being Too Hot (Celebuzz)
  • 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: The Inauspicious Returns of Kevin Lee and Drunk Dana Wilkie
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 12, 2013
    Sometimes they descend from the ceiling, sometimes they seep up through the floorboards like vapor, sometimes they're just sitting on the couch of some shitty restaurant with a buzz on waiting to cackle and harangue you. Yes, I'm talking about ghosts. Last night's episode of Real Ghostbusters of Cross Stream Station was haunted. It was like Turn of the Screw and The Woman in Black all rolled into one. It was like Ghost except there was no pottery, just the frail broken egos of our heroines and the returning favorites that producers threw in there so that we could get a chuckle. Last night we got to visit with Kevin Lee, Lisa's old party planner that launched a million "chi chi chi chi chi" GIFs; Dana Wilkie, a sad soul that is stuck on this side of the great beyond because she refuses to let go of her $25,000 sunglasses; and Adrienne the former queen of the Maloofs, who was dismembered by her own people, a race of mole people that live below the mountain. They were all back and whistling on the wind, causing candles to flicker, Ouija boards to hover, and Nicolas Sparks to think up stupid endings to his movies that have to do with the ghosts of ex-wives planning a bachelorette party for some skank who is going to marry the ghost's widower. But before we can get to all them, the ladies were still in Paris. The screen told us it was their "last evening in Paris," which sounds like it should be an indie with Julie Delpy, an old dirty flick with Marlon Brando where he uses butter as lube for anal sex, or a sequel to one of the Sisters Richard's neices more popular adult videos.  But no, it is finally the end to their boring trip to the City of Lights. Even for us it feels like that last day of vacation where you had a lot of fun but you are just exhausted and you can't wait to be back in your bed and get back to your routine and finally have someone to just speak English to at the cafe when you order your coffee in the morning. It's like a pre-jet lag kinda feeling. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Kim Richards Will Always Be a Drunk Nothing much happened other than Yolanda Bananas Foster gave Brandi a pair of jade green gladiator stilettos that look amazing on her but won't look good with one single outfit in the entirety of the universe. Seriously, what do you wear those with? Yolanda bought them for Brandi because she felt bad that she didn't have anyone to be romantic with in Paris. After all Lisa could think of Ken, Kyle could think of Mauricio, Yolanda could think of David Foster Wallace, and Kim could think of that one pill she thinks she hid in the frame of a painting in her living room that has her name on it when she finally lands back in the States. But Brandi? She has nothing. Only shoes. She only has her material possessions to keep her warm at night, and Yolanda feels sad. While they were on the boat eating their dinner, the lights suddenly started to flicker and a chill washed through the air. There was a distinct "OOooHHoOOOOoOoooHhhHHHooooo," sound all over the boat and everyone looked around until they saw the specter of Russell Armstrong standing in the corner covered in chains. They were the heavy chains of greed. "Ladies, before this episode is over, you will be visited by three ghosts! This will change how you all look at everything! Behold the ghosts and despair!" "Well, that was odd," Lisa said and shrugged it off and tucked back into her filet mignon as the Seine bubbled slowly beneath them. But little did Lisa know that she would be greeted by the first ghost, the Ghost of Housewives Past! Yes, it was Kevin Lee, a scarecrow that purchased one of Michael Jackson's old faces. Kevin, as we all know, planned Pandora's wedding last season and, well, he's a card. I love the dynamic that Lisa has with him, where he demands opulence and she pretends like she's the salt of the earth and then finally gives in and lets him serve cocktails with platinum flakes in Swarovski encrusted champagne flutes. Kevin is there to plan Lisa and Ken's housewarming party which will also be their vow renewal ceremony, a rite of passage that only happens on Bravo reality shows. Lisa doesn't want to go through with this charade or renewing her vows, but Ken and Kevin think it is romantic so she goes along with it. This ghost convinces her that what she said before doesn't matter, that the ceremonies held long ago, in seasons past, don't matter. What matters is the present. Lisa learns from this ghost to stop living in the past, stop holding onto her grudges and petty resentments, and move towards a blissful state of grace and acceptance – with antique linens and $250 a plate hors d'oevres. We now interrupt this retelling of A Christmas Carol to present the newest episode of At Home with Yolanda Bananas Foster. On this week's episode, Yolanda goes to a photo shoot with her husband, David Foster Wallace for an "Asian magazine." She gets all dolled up and finds a dress and gets her makeup done because David only has an hour between playing piano for Barbra Steisand and recording with Rod Stewart and Andrea Bocelli (who is a man, baby), so he can only spare an hour for a photo shoot. Yolanda wears a dress with nude illusion down the front of it so it looks like her boobs and cooter are hanging out and David Foster Wallace pretends he hates it but he really loves it. He loves it when they lie down on a carpeted staircase and pose longingly and it is such a sad and awful thing that it looks like something that would be on the cover of one of those plastic surgery magazines in your dermatologist's office that you are scared of but also want to look in so you can try to figure out just who the hell makes such awful tacky horrible rich people nonsense. And then David is off once again, and Yolanda is there to clean everything up and take her Asian modeling magazine back home to work out 17 times. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: There Are Real Fireworks in Paris We now interrupt this episode of At Home with Yolanda Bananas Foster to show you a previous unaired episode of Million Dollar Listing: Los Angeles. On this episode, a woman named Fetch (who isn't going to happen) is tasked with selling her mother-in-law's gigantic $23 million dollar estate. The MIL (in The Knot message board parlance) is one of those people who spent $7 million on fully grown trees so that she wouldn't have to look at little saplings, she wanted a huge arbor in her back yard and she would pay for it full grown. Anyway Fetch has her friend's husband, who is an actual broker not some bored housewife who thinks she can sell a house or three, over and they tour the house and decide how much they are going to sell it for. Fetch keeps calling him Maurice even though his name is Mauricio. Or is it? Do Kim and Fetch know something the rest of us don't? And how will these two get along with the other homosexuals that are on this show? Find out next time! Now we're back to our regularly scheduled program and the Widow Armstrong is going to have lunch with a mysterious friend! She's going through a bad break up, and we see her brunette head over the back of the couch. Who could it be? Who ever could it ever be? It is Dana Wilkie, the Ghost of Housewives Present and the break up that she is trying to work through is her breakup with life. Dana was so devastated that she wasn't cast as a full-time member on the show that she drowned in a shallow puddle of her own tears. That is why her man left her and her Lamborghini (I mean, who really has one of those?!) is gone and no one has heard from her in ages. It's because Dana (aka Pam) is dead. Poor Dana doesn't even know it. Taylor shows up to lunch and Dana is already three mojitos in to her afternoon, because Dana has not been living since 2004 so she has no idea that people have stopped drinking mojitos. Dana is essentially the girl who stayed too long at the party. We all have a friend like her. She was having such a good time in her 20s drinking all the trendy drinks and carrying around her white (vomit) Birkin and sleeping with every guy who had a fancy sounding job that she never bothered to change. She never bothered to grow up. "I drink a lot and I'm OK with it. I [dirty word for whore around] a lot and I'm OK with it!" she slurs, defending her choices, not to the Widow Armstrong and the world, but to herself, taking another swig hoping that the burning in her throat will set the emptiness inside her on fire and singe it out of her, filling her back up again. Oh Dana, so sad talking about "everyone in our group" as if she is still a Real Housewife. Oh Dana, so sad talking about her hatred of Brandi, who stole her slot on the show by being authentic and real and rude and wonderfully awful. Oh Dana, so sad and deluded thinking that she still has a chance, if she drinks enough and smokes enough and croaks her throaty laugh enough it will bring her back to life. She tries to keep it light and fun, she tries to be the life of the party, but then it hits her like a pall, it comes over her like a stench of darkness and she leans forward and her brown casts a shadow over her face and suddenly she is like a Sybill speaking the truth to the Widow Armstrong, "Listen to me, dearie, and listen closely. They will not help you. All these women do is love themselves. I'm not sure if they have any room in their love for themselves to love you." She picked up the giant crystal lighter from the coffee table and tremulously lit another cigarette and as she inhaled it's as if she imploded into herself, gone as quickly as she appeared, leaving behind just a whisp where she once sat. The Widow Armstrong learned her lesson immediately. She had become Dana, she was drinking too much and relying too much on this show for her identity. If she were ever cut from the cast, she would be dead too. Maybe it was time to mend her relationships. At Kyle's party she let the lesson that Dana taught her (and, really, is Dana in any position to be teaching anyone lessons?) take hold, and she apologized to Yolanda Bananas Foster for treating her and her husband shabbily. She explained she was put off because her good friend had been married to David Foster Wallace. The funny thing about Bananas was that she didn't say thank you and move on — well, she did, but first she had to teach the Widow Armstrong a lesson about how awful she had been. Oh, Bananas, don't you know it's best not to change things? We're getting ahead of ourselves. It is time to talk about the party for the opening of Kyle Richard's Sleeveless Shirt Emporium and Crab Shack. Yes, it's her store of glittery frocks that is now open to the public somewhere in one of the finer shopping districts in the L.A. suburbs. It is actually called Kyle by Alene Too and it is right between Amanda by Johnny Five and and Dress Barn. Kyle is there presiding over the store in one of its signature gowns which is a mix of a floral pattern, draping, a peplum, sequins, gold plating, and some sort of layering that was totally lost on me. It was made out of 17 rag dolls boiled down in a cauldron. All the ladies "from our group" were there and they were all wondering where the last one was. Where could she be, this thing that has been so long absent from all their lives? Finally, she arrived — shining like a bone jutting out of carrion, it was Adrienne former Queen of the Maloofs. She was there looking stunned and lost, telling everyone how pretty they looked and ignoring everything that was wrong, ignoring the sham that her marriage had become, the travesty that being open for the cameras would cause. She was the Ghost of Housewives Future and she looked like a blank gravestone on which every other Housewife saw her name. This is the destruction that will come for all of you if you hang around too long: lesson be learned! RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Notes on the White Party Speaking of lessons, Kim Richards is finally learning a thing or two about her sobriety. Paris (the city, not her niece) taught her that not everyone is going to trust her, that the people in her life still have that fear of what is behind the door when she doesn't answer. After a passive aggressive call from Kyle to make sure she's going to be on time to the store opening (Kim's brilliant response, "Haven't I been on time all year? Aren't you the one who is late now Hardy-Tardy?"), the Sisters Richards go aside for a little tete-a-tete. We see Kim's tiny heart-shaped tattoo on her right shoulder blinking at us like it's an eye that sees both the past, present, and future. It's the mark left on her when she was kissed by her demons. Kyle asks Kim why she's been behaving so oddly, and Kim says that she got home from Paris and slept for two days, the darkness coming over her once again and she didn't know to get out of bed and open the blinds. Then she looked at her medicine. "What I thought was my water pill looked a little bit different. So I went and put in my contacts and really looked at it and it was a slightly different color and was fatter than usual. That's when I realized it was that pill I was taking last year that caused me to be so out of it. I was taking it again by mistake." Yes, that is how Kim explains it. I'm sorry, but that sounds like some crazy addict excuse to me. Does she not keep her pills in their own separate bottles? Does she just have a Ziplock in her medicine cabinet full of tablets and she just pulls a few out based on what matches her outfit and swallows them? Please. But Kyle buys it. "It makes a lot of sense," she says, snapping back into that old role of the enabler, of letting herself be swayed by Kim's half-truths. But maybe Kim is telling the truth, maybe it's time that we all trusted her a little bit more. At least Kim learned from Lisa's cracks in Paris that maybe she doesn't deserve to be given carte blanche to do what she wants. "I don't deserve all the trust right now," she says, and she's right. She hasn't been very clear with everyone about what happened or what is going on, she just puts on her brave face to the public while she's holding on tightly to her sobriety. It's not as easy as she makes it look, as she wants everyone to think it is.  Finally she tells Kyle what really happened. "Seven months ago I was lying on a bed and I knew I was going to die, and I didn't want to die but there was nothing I could do to stop it. " I had a vision of Kim lying in her bed in just a soiled T-shirt, the covers clumped around her and the slats from the afternoon sun striking against her face. It was sad. It was so, so sad. Kyle rebutts with the old, "Every time the phone rang I thought they were going to tell me my sister was dead," as she can only see Kim's pain through the lens of her own suffering. This wasn't about Kim's death, it was about Kyle's grief. Kim says she can't promise she'll be sober forever, but she's trying. She's trying her damn best and Kyle accepts that and offers her help. Kim knows that when Kyle says to "call her," that it won't help, it will never help, but sometimes even the acknowledgement of support is as good as support itself. Kim leaves the party and gets into her limo, which she sort of feels is a waste now that she can always drive herself home from a party. Well, at least most of the time. Oh, how she used to love a party. Kim thinks of all the times she had, doing blow in bathrooms at clubs and sipping wine at gatherings large and small. Sure, she remembers the bum times too, crawling on the floor hoping that there was a little bit of powder in the grout she could rub on her gums, but even those don't seem so bad from far away. She remembers that she used to say yes to everything. That was Kim. Yes, she wants to go out. Yes, she wants to meet guys. Yes, she wants another drink and to go home with a stranger and maybe take a pill if he offers it to her. Yes, she always used to say. Now it's the opposite. She rolls down the window and looks out at the night, dotted with establishments with their lights on: convenience stores that sell bottles of beer, restaurants with their wine lists as long as her arm, and bars, oh the smelly comfort of a bar where she could have whatever she wanted as long as she wanted and just teeter back to that limo and collapse back on her bed until the sun streaked through the blinds in lines across her face. No, she thought to her self. No, no, no, no, no. That's what she's trained herself to say forever, even when it's hard. No, she says. She has to say. No. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:8 Male Stars With Tramp StampsStars Who Have Lost Roles For Being Too Hot (Celebuzz)
  • 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Everyone Is Fighting About Strippers
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 11, 2013
    The only thing I hate more than hang nails, paper cuts, and bitches who stand on the stairs of the subway talking on their cell phones is people who say, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." It was once a cute marketing slogan, but it has now taken on a cliched undertone that makes it sound like the happy birthday song of linguistic expression. Even worse are people who think they're clever and ament the saying to whatever sad locale they happen to be vacationing in. "Whatever happens in Boca, stays in Boca." Anyway, this motto was never less applicable to last night's visit by the Real Slot Machines of Hoover Dam Junction. Whatever happened to them stayed in Vegas and in the homes of the five million or so viewers that were going to watch their antics on the tube. Nothing stayed in Vegas, it was splattered all across our retinas — the fallen sequins on the floor of a reality show. We will never get over it. However, the whole trip was pretty tame. Well, at least by Housewives standards. First of all, the producers made the brilliant decision to rent a party bus for all the ladies to go from LA to Vegas so that, instead of a 45 minute flight, we got about 8 hours of these crazy ladies patting their weaves as they sat in traffic. NeNe Leakes, of course, had to work so she flew "first class" all the way to Vegas. She is very rich, bitch! Thanks to the bus ride of doom, we got to hear all about how Kandi farts when she has an orgasm and often holds her mans head down in her crotch even after the wind has been broken so that he won't stop. This is a sexual manuever I would call the Dutch Gas Chamber if that wasn't in incredibly poor taste to all the Jews from the Netherlands who died in the Holocaust. Maybe we can call it a "Parisian Bunker" because it is full of gas and there is no escaping it, like in WWI. Sorry, this is really going to piss off someone. I should stop here. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Hot Messes and Dirty Diapers What else did we learn on the bus? Oh, that Porsha won't go to strip clubs because she thinks her husband won't allow it. The girls got all upset and Phaedra said, "As a Christian, what better place than a strip club to find the lost souls?" Amen, Sister Parks. I want to go to her church. Speaking of Pheadra and all the lessons she can teach us, she informed the group (and by extension the world) that the original pregnancy test was to pee on a rabbit and if the rabbit died then the pee-er was pregnant. If it lived, the buns were not yet placed in the oven. According to "the Internet" which is always right about all things (especially gay rumors about your favorite actor) it is false. But can't EPT get a "fast as a rabbit" on the package or something? Can't First Response have Birthie the Bunny as their new spokesperson? Maybe you can get a Cadbury Creme Egg free with each test. You're going to need some chocolately goodness, either to celebrate or drown your sorrows, no matter what the results.  The ladies all got to Las Vegas and Cynthia Bailey put on her fake afro and refused to take it off until at least three people told her that she looked like a drag queen. For these women, that is the highest compliment that can ever be paid. They all piled into a limo to go to the Crazy Horse, which they told Porsha was a burlesque show but it was really a titty bar. Phaedra said, "How can you be so stupid to think the Crazy Horse is a burlesque show?" Well, sorry to make you wrong twice in one night Ms. Phaedra Parks, Esq., but the Crazy Horse in Paris is actually a burlesque show, so maybe Porsha is just more cultured than everyone and thought this was a sweet little show at the Paris Hotel or something. Porsha said, once again, that she would not go to a strip club because she doesn't like them and her husband wouldn't want her to go to one. NeNe, who used to work at a strip club (and who probably had the best stripper name ever, like Chinchilla or Ebonneese or Infinity Pool or something) was all offended. The big talk then turned to how Carvell, Porsha's husband who is a real life Cookie Puss, allowed her to go on this trip and she's proud of him for this. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore Does Not Have Cancer OK, I'm going to break down this Carvell, who is controlling thing right now. Yes, he is controlling (if I was a giant puddle of soft serve ice cream, I'd be pretty controlling too). Period. He is. But that is not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe Porsha likes to be controlled. Now, if his control means he beats her or is keeping her from doing the things that she wants to do, then it is a problem. However, I have a feeling that Porsha is happy to live off his money, cook his meals, do everything for him, and sit around and watch The Price Is Right all day while wearing some velour sweatpants with a logo emblazoned across the ass. I think that is her dream, actually. When she was 16, she used to sit in her room and think that one day there would be a husband who she would do everything for, and he would buy her everything she ever wanted. So yes, he's controlling, but if she's fine with that then, well, good for her! I can see how that's a problem with this group of women, however. All of them, with the exception of Porsha, are essentially self-made in one way or another, and I think that that is part of what makes this show so interesting to watch — but that doesn't mean that Porsha's stance on her relationship is any less valid. Isn't feminism about giving women choices? Let Porsha choose her own choices! Don't tell her that she has to listen to "Independent Woman, Vol 1." every day just because you do too! The limo pulled up to the strip club, and Porsha said, "OK! Goodnight guys!" and went home to call Carvell and ask whether she'd ever get to meet his cousin Rainbow Sorbet. He said no. He's way too gay. The women immediately loved the strip club because it had the favorite thing of every Real Housewife in the entire universe: a step and repeat. Oh, they love this like fat kids like bacon, like soap stars love blue eyeshadow, like Kristen Stewart loves going out in public without running a brush through her hair and twisting up her scowl into a rictus of disinterested disdain. They took their pictures, and then they all found some strippers and made it rain all over them. OK, I do not understand making it rain. I get that it's supposed to be some sort of show of support for the woman who is dancing as well as a display of the tipper's wealth, but what kind of support are you giving this woman now that she has to get a dust pan and broom and mop up all of her tips. Can't you just put them in her bra so it's easier to cart around for the rest of her set? Isn't making it rain sort of, in its own way, disrespectful? RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Atlanta' Recap: Kenya Moore and the Swimsuit of Doom Still, the Housewives loved the strippers, and commented on their skin and their waxing. Also, Pheadra got a lot of ideas for what kind of shoes she should be wearing to church. Kernya Mooah, who is insane, convinced herself that one of the strippers actually liked her. Oh, hahahahahahaha. LOL for days. ROFSCLMFOAAHSYAFMARM. That stands for Rolling on the Floor of a Strip Club Laughing My Fucking Ass Off At Her For Making A Rookie Mistake. The best part of the strip club visit was when NeNe Leakes told us about how she met her husband Gregg at the strip club, and he saw her across the bar and didn't believe she worked there until she got up on stage and she blew his mind. "Yes, Gregg, I do work here. And I'm amazing!" She said, swinging her titties just under his chin. Even after they were dating she still stripped because she needed the money. Unlike Porsha, NeNe doesn't need a husband to complete her, she is complete on her own and nothing her husband can do will make her feel better about herself. It's the opposite of Porsha, but that doesn't mean NeNe is any better than her. OK, maybe a little. Not much else happened in Vegas that needs to stay there. They all went backstage and put on some head dresses and acted like showgirls, and Nomi Malone came out of the wings and smacked NeNe so hard in the face that her Golddigger headdress crashed to the floor with a sound that was like Scrooge McDuck diving into his moneybin. Oh, I totally forgot about the fight. I'm kind of tired of the Phaedra Vs. Kernya Moo-ah fight. Phaedra was pissed that Kernya stole her idea for a workout video. Kernya was mad about...well, I'm not sure what. She was looking for an apology, but I don't see how anyone did anything wrong to her. She's kind of been the snake in this Garden of Un-Even the whole year, and somehow she thinks people still need to be nice to her. It was so Kernya Moo-ah when, at Kandi's panty and dildo party, she was supposed to ask an anonymous sex and relationship question but instead she asked a question about Phaedra so that she could lead her into a fight. Phaedra really prompted it with a mean joke about how Kernya can't give head and that's why Walter broke up with her, but it's so Kernya to make everything about herself and whatever imagined psychodrama is currently going on in her head. Cynthia then said the first intelligent thing ever uttered on a Real Housewives program, "You both feel like you were wronged, and this isn't going anywhere, so you need to all get over it." Thank you, Cynthia. Finally a voice of reason. But Kernya didn't listen. She just fiddled with her hands in her lap, thinking that they all hated her. She thought that they were all wrong and awful, and it made her enraged — it made her so enraged that a sadness wracked her body and she was paralyzed. Her only options were to strike out at every last one of these women, or to bow her head in silence, as the water pooled in the bottom lid of her eye. She chose the latter, and stared down at her fidgeting hands. These women were safe from her wrath. Well, at least for now. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] You Might Also Like:8 Male Stars With Tramp Stamps15 Stars Share Secrets of their Sex Lives (Celebuzz)
  • Barbara Walters Confirms Sad News That Elisabeth Hasselbeck Is Not Leaving 'The View'
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 11, 2013
    On Friday the Internet erupted with the joyous news that Elisabeth Hasselbeck, a Raggedy Nancy Reagan doll that Barbara Walters found under a bench in Central Park and gave a job,  was leaving daytime chatfest The View. As the choruses of "Ding Dong the Witch Is Dead" rang out the nation over, I got the news from ABC that the rumors were false and that Elisabeth and her gonzo political views had not been voted off the island after all.  Today, Barbara Walters confirmed the truth on the show itself. At the beginning of their "Hot Topics" segments, Walters, who created and owns the franchise and will be collecting coins from it long after she's in her grave, said, “We love Elisabeth. We value and appreciate her point of view. It helps give the show perspective. We have no plans for Elisabeth to leave this show.” RELATED: Don't Get So Excited, Elisabeth Hasselbeck Isn't Leaving 'The View'  So, that's that. I hate to say I told you so (especially about this) but I did tell you so.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Lou Rocco/ABC] You Might Also Like:8 Male Stars With Tramp Stamps15 Stars Share Secrets of their Sex Lives (Celebuzz)
  • Don't Get So Excited, Elisabeth Hasselbeck Isn't Leaving 'The View' Just Yet
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 08, 2013
    Everyone is getting all excited that Eliasabeth Hasselbeck, a scarecrow that Barbara Walters found at the Republican National Convention and brought to life with magical fairy dust but never brought to the Wizard for her helping of brains, was fired from daytime chatfest The View. As much as many liberal leaning people would like it to be true, according to ABC the allegations are false.  "Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a valued member of The View and has a long term contract," says Lauri Hogan, ABC Entertainment Group's Publicity Director. Considering news broke yesterday that Joy Behar — the only originating member of the panel that is still left — announced she would be leaving, it would make sense that producers would try to scuttle Hasselbeck at the same time. RELATED: Who Should Replace Joy Behar on 'The View'? The story sprung from an Us Weekly exclusive that said the star's contract had not been renewed  after research discovered that viewers thought she was too extreme, right-wing, and not likeable. What sort of research did this entail? Actually watching the show? That should be research enough. And while that research is probably still true, the consequences, at least for now, appear to be false. From Our Partners:Kim Kardashian's Maternity Style: So Wrong? (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • Who Should Replace Joy Behar on 'The View'?
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 08, 2013
    What is life going to be like without Joy? No, I'm not asking an existential question that you're going to have to dig out your college philosophy textbook to answer, I'm asking specifically about The View — the ABC chicken coop that has been clucking wildly at itself on our screens for the past 16 years. Joy Behar, the only founding chicken on the panel (beside mother hen Barbara Walters, who created and owns the franchise), is leaving to explore greener pastures or, in this clunky extended metaphor, other coops. So what will the show do to replace the older funny lady on the panel? Well, we have some suggestions on who might be good for the role. RELATED: Joy Behar Leaving 'The View' Sarah Silverman: One of the funniest ladies in Hollywood doesn't have a regular gig and that, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the greatest travesties of our day. Silverman has the same liberal politics as the retiring comedian, but she has something that Joy never did: punchlines that work. She's probably way too edgy for Barbara and the show would probably have to pay the guy who bleeps the cuss words on the seven-second delay extra to keep her mouth under wraps, but this would be nothing short of genius. Kathy Griffin: If the show is getting rid of one aging red-headed funny lady, why not replace it with another one. No, not the ghost of Lucy Arnez, Kathy Griffin. Her Bravo talk show isn't working out that well (either in the ratings or the format) but I have a feeling that she would flourish in this environment. And she would be getting constant side-eye from Barbara, which means GIFs galore. Rosie O'Donnell: I know we've been down this road before, but the last time that The View was really explosive was when this divisive host was on the panel. Remember her fights with Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Her feud with Donald Trump? Her dramatic exit from the show? Oh, this would make for some great television, especially because Rosie is crazier than ever. Barbara Walters to Return to 'The View' After Month-Long Hiatus Jane Fonda: Now that Joy is leaving who is going to make tired hot flash jokes and make inappropriate comments about sexuality at an advanced age? Barbarella will! Yes, Jane Fonda is smart, candid, and increasingly fearless as she matures. She also has scads of famous friends to bring to the show and her remembrances of Hollywood parties gone by are probably better than any starlet hawking her new movie. Whitney Cummings: Her E! talk show didn't really pan out so it's not like she has much else to do. Well, you know, other than tend to her two sitcoms that are on the air. On second thought, this broad may need to share with the rest of the world. She has enough on her plate.   Courtney Stodden: Admit it, you would watch the hell out of this. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: ABC; WENN] From Our Partners:Kim Kardashian's Maternity Style: So Wrong? (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)