Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • 'Survivor' Recap: Unexpected Injury Causes Another Player to Leave the Game
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 07, 2013
    If there is one thing true about Survivor, it's that when someone is removed from the game because of injury it's usually kicking and screaming. The afflicted person lies in the brush and rolls around in pain as the medic tells them they have to go home, and then they cry. Usually it seems like they're crying not because they just broke a finger, landed on a sharp tree branch, or fell into the fire, but because they want to stay and finish the adventure they started. That did not happen last night. That did not happen with Shamar. Shamar has done nothing but make noise since he arrived on the island. It was either bellowing at his fellow contestants or complaining about why he should quit the game. They should have let him. The other members of the "Fans" tribe should have let him take his camouflaged desert wear and just saunter on back home with his head hung low. But they did not, because the "misfits" alliance needed him to fight against the pretty people with them. They didn't need that extra number, they really didn't, and sending him home would have made them that much more cohesive and better at challenges. But still, he festered on. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: Yes, This Is Still On, But Should We Keep Watching? After a defeat at the reward challenge (the "favorites" were more adroit at getting two of their members from one platform to another using only small squares of wood and then standing on a third small platform as a group), Shamar went and lied in the shelter, telling everyone that he wasn't moving and they'd have to bring him rice once a day. No one liked that. Then, lo and behold, he got some "sand" in his "eye" and then he "scratched it" and he "messed up his eye." Now, imagine that I said all of that using air quotes, because no one believed that Shamar was actually injured. We all thought it was another bellyache of his, another way to get out of the game. The next day Jeff showed up with Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman: Outback Edition, and examined Shamar. I figured they were going to be like, "It's not that bad, you can go back in the game, but the choice is up to you," and he'd be all "I need my eyes," and just peace out. Then Dr. Quinn said, "You really need to see a doctor." Shamar got all choked up, not because he was leaving, but because he was relieved he got to leave his personal hell for a nice warm bed and a fixed eye. RELATED: 'Survivor' Recap: How a Bulge in One Man's Pants Changed the Game There was nothing happening at the favorites camp except for winning. That, and Philip going around giving everyone stupid Stealth International LTD names. The immunity challenge was that everyone had to walk on this rickety bridge (they all just crawled across), swim to a platform, climb up, knock a tile that freed a key, take the key, and rush it back to shore. Then the keys opened the locks on a box, and inside the box were a bunch of balls that had to be thrown to knock blocks off a railing. Challenge, challenge, challing; boring, boring, boring, and, of course, the "Favorites" won. Back at the Fans site, Matt talked to Michael, saying he wanted to vote out Laura because she is weak and awful at challenges. He wanted to keep Reynold and Eddie, because they have abs and are beautiful. Well, that's why I want them to stay. The other members of their "misfits" alliance wanted to get rid of the boys and stay true to each other. That is stupid. If they kicked out Eddie, Reynold would feel completely disenfranchised and know he was going home, so he wouldn't fight for the team. They were already down three members at this point, so there is no way they would beat the other team. So, yes, you have your loyalty and what not, but you have to figure if they lost every challenge until the merge, who would be left? Everyone knew that cuts had to be made, and it didn't hinder anyone's loyalty, because everyone knew why the decision was made. I thought they were going to be stupid, and so did Reynold — he played his idol, even though everyone voted for Laura, a bag of bones who skulked her way toward defeat. She can hang out with Shamar in sequester somewhere. He's probably still complaining about something. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] From Our Partners:Seal Is Dating the Pink Power Ranger: Report (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • NBC's Absolutely Insane Ideas on How to Relaunch 'Up All Night'
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 06, 2013
    You would think that the craziest thing about NBC's beleaugered comedy Up All Night  — the show that launched a million mommy blog recaps — was that it hasn't been canceled, even though star Christina Applegate quit the show, other star Will Arnett is attached to another pilot, and third star (does that make this a constellation?) Maya Rudolph is pregnant with her 3700th (OK, 4th) child. No, the craziest thing was how they were going to relaunch the show for the millionth time. TV Guide has an excellent article that details the many changes and challenges that show has faced since Emily Spivey created it last season. She has also left the show. NBC was going to change it from a hip single-camera comedy to a more traditional Everybody Loves Two and a Half Bang Theories three-camera comedy. But just how was it going to do that? Its ideas are astoundingly bad.  RELATED: What Happened to the 'Up All Night' We Loved? One idea was to have writer Linda Wallem and her partner, rocker Melissa Etheridge, somehow get involved with the show. Another had something to do with a portal between two worlds that only Amy, the baby of Applegate and Arnett's characters, could see. The portal would explain how they went from a single-camera world to a multi-camera world — think Dorothy landing in Oz, minus the tornado. But the final version, the one that NBC was actually going to put on the air, sounds so crazy and bad it will make you fall out of your chair and through that portal into the world that baby Amy rules over.  "Ultimately, a script was written in which Applegate, Arnett and Rudolph played actors portraying the characters Reagan, Chris and Ava on a fictional show called Up All Night," TV Guide reports. "Off the show-within-a-show, Arnett's character would live at home with his mother, and Applegate's would be dating. Rudolph's real-life pregnancy was being written into the storyline — and included a 'who's the daddy?' twist." I'm actually a little bit sad that this thing seems next to canceled, because I would have taken such joy in watching that relaunch. It would have gone down in the annals of American TV history, but not in a good way. Well, maybe it would in a good way, in baby Amy's world. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Colleen Hayes/NBC] From Our Partners:Seal Is Dating the Pink Power Ranger: Report (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • 'Mad Men' Season 6 Spoilers (That We Totally Made Up)
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 06, 2013
    I think it's pretty safe to say that before the Mad Men Season 6 premiere on April 7th the shows maniacal creative genius Matthew Weiner isn't going to release even the simplest of plot details trying to keep the audience of his cigarettes and infidelties drama completely spoiler free.  Well, we can't have that, can we? We already tried to figure out what the season's first promo video might mean, so what can we learn from these new on-set photos that were released today? I figured out the entire plot of an episode that has something to do with a trip to L.A., an LSD trip, and Harry Crane's awful Fred from Scooby-Doo blazer. Unless, of course, I am entirely wrong, but at least we have something! VIEW THE GALLERY Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Pacific Coast News] From Our Partners:Seal Is Dating the Pink Power Ranger: Report (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Kim Richards Will Always Be a Drunk
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 05, 2013
    Before we can get to what happened in Paris last night, let us pour out a glass of champagne for Adrienne Queen of the Maloofs, the race of mole people that live under the mountain. It appears that they her subjects have finally risen up and torn the top off the mountain, raining down in a red, fiery rage like a flow of lava to come and attack their queen. She has been rendered asunder, limb from limb, her crown lost under a pile of bloody remains never to be retrieved again. Yes, Adrienne will be leaving the show after this season. Well, it's not like she will really be missed. Even though she has been the lynchpin in the ridiculous Brandi fight this season, she has been mainly absent from the action. She will also be absent from the reunion show, which was filmed last week. She did not attend because she is dead. The mole people have finally put an end to her tyrannical regime with the oldest form of voter recall on the planet:  revolution. It was not televised. That means she will not be at the reunion to attend the Kangaroo Court lorded over by the honorable Andrew Cohen. She will never have to answer for her crimes. She will never face the nation and tell us why she has lied about Brandi, why she bullied people with her wealth, or just what the secret is that she wanted to keep buried. But, most of all, she won't have to answer for her most heinous crime of all: thinking that it is OK to leave self-tanner stains on your friends' furniture and not even apologize or clean it up or do anything about it. For that alone her death was an adequate punishment. There was no Adrienne last night on the Real Voulez-Vous Couchers of Avec Moi Ce Soir and we all survived. We all got through the whole thing. However, it was pretty boring. What happened? Yolanda Bananas Foster and Brandi went jogging and did cartwheels. YBF and Lisa Vanderpump went to Notre Dame. Kim got a sparkly purse for being sober from Kyle's husband who she insists on calling Maurice. (I think that is just the funniest freaking thing on the whole planet. I laugh harder at that than I do at fart jokes and photos of John Boehner crying.) Lisa's husband Ken Vanderpump and Kyle's husband MMMmmmm went on a (wretch), they went on a (gag), they went on a (dry heave). Oh my god, I'm sick with embarrassment. I can't even say the awful thing they did. Man, this was a seriously touristy trip to Paris. I can't believe they didn't go to the Mona Lisa at the Lou-vre and march down the Champs Alizzse. I can't believe they didn't go to the Eiffel Tower. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: There Are Real Fireworks in Paris Oh, wait, they did! They did go to the Eiffel Tower and Kyle and Lisa had a fight there and it was stupid. I don't even know what this fight is about. Kyle is mad at Lisa for saying that their friendship was over, but Lisa didn't say it was over, just that it had changed since Kyle will never stick up for her. Oh, who knows. We're not even fighting about incidents anymore, we're fighting about perception and those are arguments you never win. There are no facts, there is no right or wrong, there are no classes for it at law school so your lawyer can't even get involved and send a letter and shut the whole thing down. You either need to forget about it and move on or you just stop talking to each other. Since these two are thrust together in perpetuity for money and fame, I guess they should be getting over it, shouldn't they? I can't get excited about this fight. I really can't get excited about anything at all on this trip. The only thing that was really of any interest to me at all was Kim Richards because, well, if I were to look inside myself, way deep through my eyeballs and into the white void that leads to your brain, I would see Kim there lurking like a lost bird and when you get close enough to her she would just say, "Voom voom, she bang," and then disappear and fly out your nostril hole and back out into the wild. That is why I love Kim Richards. The thing about Kim Richards is that she will always be a drunk. Always! And I don't mean that in a mean way. There is a reason that, at AA meetings, people have to get up and say, "Hi, I'm Joe and I'm an alcholic," even if they've been sober for decades. Once it happens it never leaves. It never leaves the person, it never leaves their family, it never leaves anyone. It's sort of like doing porn or winning an Oscar, this will be the first thing that people always mention about you. That is Kim's problem in Paris. When she is walking with Lisa and goes, "Oh, look! A bike! I want to ride a bike!" in the middle of a sentence about something else, everyone thinks it's because she is blitzed. Kim Richards is not blitzed, she is just, As Brandi says, "There is normal and then there is Kim." Her being a little incoherent, totally dodgy, and absolutely off-kilter is not a result of the drinking and/or drugs, it is a personality trait. Either that or it is a result of all the years of abusing substances and, well this is now just how Kim is. The problem is that everyone thinks when she behaves oddly she is messed up. She's not. That's just our Kim. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Notes on the White Party Kim's other problem, the reason why she was crying in the bus to her sister Kyle, is how she deals with this perception of her. Everyone thinks she's a drunk and she knows she is, but she has been through rehab and has been sober for months and the first time she stumbles in the street or laughs manically on a balcony and everyone thinks, "Oh crap! Relapse!" Kim wants credit. She wants to be recognized for all the hard work she's doing. She is latched onto her sobriety with knuckles whiter than the audience at a Dave Matthews concert and she wants someone to recognize how good she's doing. She thinks she's earned some trust back, but she's not getting it. When Lisa says, "Oh, it's history repeating," Kim is irrationally frustrated because not only does she not get to drink, she doesn't get people to forgive her and trust her not to drink either. It's like when you start a diet and have been eating only carrots and GG Scandanavian Crackers for weeks and you are hungrier than a supermodel in an Arby's but you don't look all skinny yet so no one can see your effort and say, "Girl, you look skinny!" It's like that, but with booze. But she will always be a drunk, our Kim. And I get it, I get it from both sides of the hotel room door. I get it from Kim's side where she just overslept and doesn't want everyone to think that means she's locked her lips on every bottle inside the minibar and is passed out in the bathroom with her nightgown around her face. She's just irresponsible! I also get it from Kyle's side of the door. Banging there with Yolanda, thinking about the worst. Always worrying. The worrying will never stop. She's been through such hell with her sister that the easy answer will never be what goes through her head when Kim is late. She'll bang on that door, with the nightmare scenarios piling up in her head: Kim is dead from choking on her own vomit, Kim is dead from an overdose of pills, or, even worse, Kim has relapsed and doesn't want to get sober ever again. It's terrifying, that door. It's the deepest mystery and the most terrifying thing that has been on this catalog of despair we call a show. We will now conclude this recap with a rundown of the latest episode of At Home with Yolanda Bananas Foster. This week we learned that our hostess with the mostest, Miss Yolanda Bananas Foster, used to terrorize the children back in Holland with the parts of the chicken that had been cut off before the thing could be defeathered and butchered. She would take the legs and the head with its protruding beak and weak waddle, and chase the other children around the tulip yard and the windmill with it, their wooden heels clacking with frenzy as they screech away from her. That has always been Yolanda's favorite joke, scaring everyone with her superiority, her unsqueamishness. When Yolanda took all the women for a cooking class at Cook N With Klass (even in Paris they can't find a place that doesn't sound like it belongs in a Sacramento strip mall) she was the only one who could watch as they cut the head off the duck. (For the record, Kim Richards said she was not worried either, "As long as he's not quacking when I'm doing the whacking, I'm OK." Sadly she thought they were talking about hand jobs and not water foul.) The rest of the women scurried out into the parking lot and jumped at the thud of the chop, trying to retain their blissful ignorance of where their food comes from. Back inside, once the duck had been cut into its individual pieces, Yolanda took the meat and played the old game again, chasing her new friends around the room as they ducked (ha!) for cover. "My hair, my hair!" Kyle yelled, as if a brush with some duck fat was going to damage her Demi Moore realness. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: A Tempest in Lisa's Tea Party But the real loser in this battle was Alex, the poor American cook. Alex, a student at La Sacre Cordon Blue, was just taking this gig at the cooking school to get his way through the culinary institute. He had dreams of James Beard Awards and Michelin Stars and Padma Lakshmi attending his restaurant in a bikini with her hand cocked on her hip and a hunger in her belly and her eyes. He thought it would be easy, showing these Americans to make a French dish or two, but he had the worst students ever. They cried in the car and ran around with the carcasses and decided to write "F U" on their plates, as if they were poisoned and addressed to LeAnn Rimes. Then he had to sit with them and choke down their overcooked, rubbery duck and smile like he doesn't want to put arsenic in all the foie gras, including his. When the dinner was over, the ladies all waddled out to their bus limo and Alex was left to clean up the plates, put them all in the dish washer and put all the utensils back where they belong. He pulled out his phone and found his girlfriend, Severine in the contacts. "Hey, honey," he said into the phone. "I'm sorry, I'm so tired. Can we speak English tonight?" He was quiet for a moment as he crooked the phone into his shoulder and turned on the faucet, running it over the pans that had piled there. "Uh uh," he said, shutting it off. "No, no. I'm just really tired. It was a really long class. I had the worst women. Just horrible Americans. Do you think I'll ever have to move back?" He listened and then burst out in a little chuckle. "No, they didn't learn anything," he said. "These women never learn anything." Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] From Our Partners:Seal Is Dating the Pink Power Ranger: Report (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • Steven Weber, That Guy from 'Wings', Divorcing After 17 Years
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 04, 2013
    Remember that guy from Wings? No, not the big tall one with the blond hair who got nominated for an Oscar and then was in the really crappy Spider-Man movie. The other one! Yea, Steven Weber. You remember him. Maybe you saw him on one of his more recent hit sitcoms like Malibu Country or Hot in Cleveland. Maybe not? Anyway, his wife is divorcing him. While, of course that is news, what is especially interesting is that he stayed married to Juliette Lesley Hohnen for 17 years. In Hollywood marriage years that's like they were together for 70 years, died in each others' arms, were resurrected, got married again and then broke up at age 89. According to People magazine, she filed for divorce in early February and is asking for custody of their two sons, ages 12 and 9, and spousal support. I bet those Wings residuals can stretch for quite awhile.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Amy Graves/WireImage] From Our Partners:40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)15 Stars Share Secrets of their Sex Lives (Celebuzz)
  • See the First Pictures of Casey Anthony, Who Is Back in Court and Totally Poor
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 04, 2013
    There was no hiding behind a big black hat today for Casey Anthony, who appeared in court for the first time since being declared not guilty for the death of her daughter Caylee two years ago. She was in a Tampa courtroom for a bankruptcy hearing where she said that she is unemployed and hasn't made any money from book deals or other ways to sell her story to the public (that is probably for the best). She admitted that she doesn't pay rent or utilities and has been living off the "kindness of strangers" like another tragic Southern belle. I mean Blance DuBois but, of course, she got courted off to the mental institution at the end of A Streetcar Named Desire, so that's probably not the best path for Ms. Anthony.  RELATED: Rob Lowe in Casey Anthony TV Movie: How'd He Do? According the Associated Press, Anthony claims that she has only $1000 in assets and more than three quarters of a million dollars in debt. She owes her former lawyer $500,000 and almost $150,000 to the Orange County Sheriff's Department for investigation fees. Hey, no one said freedom comes cheap.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Brian Blanco/AP Photo] From Our Partners:40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)15 Stars Share Secrets of their Sex Lives (Celebuzz)
  • 'The Bible' and 'Vikings' Are Huge Hits for History, Break Ratings Records
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 04, 2013
    Everyone thought it would be as impossible to beat The Walking Dead on Sunday nights as it is for those zombie hunters to find a fresh change of clothing (seriously, can't they just steal a few new shirts that aren't covered in sweat and walking dead pus?) but it seems like The History Channel is up to the challenge with a resurrection of their own: The Bible.  13.1 million people watched The Bible's debut from 8-10 PM, and the total number of viewers for the night went up to 14.8 million with the addition of encore showings. Not only that, it also brought in about 5 million viewers in the 18-to-49 demographic that advetisers crave like the Catholic church craves a break from scandal. The channel is touting it as the "top cable entertainment broadcast of the year" which has plenty of qualifiers, but is still a pretty big deal. The Walking Dead, currently the number one show on TV in the demographic, had a ratings high of 12.3 million viewers earlier this year.  Vikings didn't do quite as well, but its first episode still pulled in 6.2 million when it premiered at 10 PM, and had 8.3 million watching a bunch of blond dudes bury their swords both literally and metaphorically throughout the encores. Didn't I tell you it was going to be huge?  RELATED: Sure to Be a Huge Hit, 'Vikings' Is Horrendously Watchable and Amazingly Schlocky History Channel has had a string of hits lately, including Hatfields & McCoys, which did blockbuster business and picked up a couple of Emmys. If they keep this streak up, their name is going to mean what all the rest of the cable channels will be if they don't start keeping up: history.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Joe Alblas/History Channel] From Our Partners:Seal Is Dating the Pink Power Ranger: Report (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • You Will Never Believe What Bethenny Frankel's First Sitcom Role Is
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 04, 2013
    It was announced back in January that Real Housewife of New York-turned-syrupy alcohol magnate and professional divorcee Bethenny Frankel would do a guest starring role on ABC's shockingly popular aliens comedy The Neighbors. But just who she is playing might be a little surpring, espeically now that ABC has made photos and the plot details available to the public.  RELATED: 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: The Ressurection of Jill Zarin ABC's press release reads, "Debbie is thrilled when a tough-minded businesswoman (guest star Bethenny Frankel) offers her a chance to revitalize her purse business. Jackie jumps in to help, but her negotiating skills work a little too well, and they're soon in way over their heads trying to produce an impossible number of purses." Yeah, that doesn't sound too nuts, but guess what Bethenny's character's name is? Jill! Yes, as in her archnemesis Jill Zarin, who has since been fired from the Real Housewives... and whose Google Alert for her own name just pinged (Hi, Jill). It had to be weird spending days on set responding to that name she's heard so many times. Maybe she's going to whip out her infamous Jill Zarin impersonation on the episode, which airs Wednesday, March 20.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: ABC/Eric McCandless] From Our Partners:Justin Bieber Celebrates 19th Birthday, Loses His Pants (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • Fox Renews 'The Following' and 'The Mindy Project' for Second Seasons
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 04, 2013
    It seems like serial killers are the only thing that are slaying audiences this winter season. Of all the mid-season shows that the networks have launched, the only one that has developed a following is, well, The Following. Fox has rewarded the Kevin Bacon hunting down a crazy serial killer drama with a second season, guaranteeing countless actors who guest star as murderers and murderees will have a Bacon Number of zero.  RELATED: 'The Following' Premieres to Killer Ratings Also celebrating today are the cast and crew of The Mindy Project, the freshman sitcom that has had some creative and ratings problems in its freshman year. Sadly, the Mindy Kaling comedy will not be getting new name (I was pulling for Dork & Mindy). Also coming back will be other Tuesday night comedies New Girl (which is not a shock, since it's still hot with the young viewers) and Raising Hope (which is sort of surprising since it's started losing steam as it goes into Season 4). That means the only Tuesday night victim is the departed Ben & Kate. What show will attempt to fill its comedy slot next year? Please, anything but another Seth MacFarlane comedy.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: FOX] From Our Partners:Justin Bieber Celebrates 19th Birthday, Loses His Pants (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)
  • New 'Mad Men' Season 6 Promo Promises an Affair to Remember
    By: Brian Moylan Mar 04, 2013
    Matthew Weiner, the creative mastermind who has kept Don Draper in whiskey and Lucky Strikes for all these years on Mad Men, is notoriously tight lipped about the details of the show before it airs. So, then how the hell do you advertise Season 6, which starts April 17? With a very cryptic promo like the one below.    With some jazzy music and some black-and-white party pictures (PS — love skinny Betty Draper's dress!), the ad tells us that "You're invited to the affair of the year." So, what word are we all going to fixate on? The use of "affair" of course. Last year the season ended with Don getting his wife Megan an acting job and then walking away from her which, to many viewers, seemed like code that he was walking away from his relationship with Megan. And now there's going to be an "affair"? It doesn't say "party," it doesn't say "shindig," it doesn't say "vow renewal ceremony that you only see on reality TV shows." It says "affair." Get ready everyone, the speculation starts now.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: AMC] From Our Partners:Justin Bieber Celebrates 19th Birthday, Loses His Pants (Vh1)60 Celebrity Bikini Bodies: Guess Who! (Celebuzz)