Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Don't Worry, Batman Fans, Comic Book Deaths Don't Mean Anything
    By: Brian Moylan February 27, 2013 6:12pm EST
    Recently, a spate of shows have taken to killing off main characters to keep the viewers on their toes. Game of Thrones did it in the first season, Downton Abbey did it at the end of Season 3, and The Walking Dead does it as regularly as a zombie drags a limb across the ground. But in comic books it doesn't happen as often. Why? Well, because comic book deaths don't matter. That's something that all Batman fans should keep in mind now that Robin is going to be killed. Yes, Grant Morrison, the writer of Batman Incorporated (which sounds like a show about a group of Batmans that sing versions of pop songs at a juice bar in the early '80s), has confirmed that Robin will die in the book's eighth issue. Robin is currently Damien Wayne, Bruce's 10-year-old son. Why doesn't this matter? Because comic book deaths never stick. I remember when Robin got killed for the first time in the '80s when everyone on the school bus was passing around a dog-eared copy of the "Death in the Family" storyline where Jason Todd got offed by the Joker. See, he died and Robin still lived. Old Robin is dead, long live the new Robin. And you can say, "Oh, but the character was taken on by a new person." Hogwash. With all the time travel, alternate universes, body swaps, and other superhuman elements in the comics, no one that the writers want alive stays dead long. Even Todd was eventually resurrected in 2005. RELATED: DC Comics Will Reveal Gay Superhero Now, I was never much of a DC comics guy (I'm sort of X-Men all the way) but history is littered with this kind of stuff. Superman was supposed to die in 1992 only to have him spring back to life (with better sales than ever) immediately after. The same thing happened to Spider-Man in the '80s and Captain America just last year. Those two are both still kicking around, as you very well know. The Avengers also killed off Hawkeye and then found a mystical way to get him back in no time. As far as the X-Men go, it's par for the course. Nightcrawler died last year only to be replaced by an all new Nightcrawler from another dimension. Magik, originally a New Mutant, was turned into a six year old, then killed, and then brought back from some alternative future or demon hell zone or some other thing that was never explained very well. Recently they killed former leader Professor X, who is also in the movie franchise, and so far he has stayed dead. I bet this one, like the others, won't stick. RELATED: Major X-Men Death Rocks Internet That's why this news of Robin's death doesn't really mean anything. Conversely, these TV shows have become a hit with viewers because the deaths actually mean something. When Ned Stark got his head chopped off (spoiler alert) he did not get it sewn back on in the next episode. His wife did not go into the bathroom and find him taking a shower with a dragon. That is the problem with comic book kill-offs. When the actions don't have any consequences, they fail to have any meaning as well. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: DC Comics] From Our Partners: Kate Upton Bares All In Body Paint (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • F**K You, Time Warner Cable and Your DVRs That Don't Work
    By: Brian Moylan February 27, 2013 2:32pm EST
    If you have a DVR (espeically one from faulty monopoly Time Warner Cable) then you know exactly the feeling of blinding anger I'm about to describe. It's that feeling that you could throw your remote at the screen, kick your dog across the room, and then go slam your skull in a kitchen cabinet for about 15 minutes before finding the nearest Time Warner Cable office and serving it a Molotov cocktail, with extra olives. But we don't. We have no choice, we can do nothing but silently rage in our living rooms knowing that nothing will be done to fix the problem. And what is the problem, exactly? It's about having a DVR that is a quitter. It's about having a cable box that is so lazy that it just sits there all day collecting dust and not doing its job or, even worse, telling us its doing it's job when it's just sitting there updating its Facebook page and browsing for deals on Shoe Dazzle. Yes, it's that awful epidemic of your DVR telling you that it's going to record a show and even showing the red REC symbol on the display and listing your show in the DVR queue of taped programs while its recording. But then, when you go to watch it, it has mysteriously disappeared, never to be heard from again like the Lindbergh Baby or that hottie who played Jake Ryan in Sixteen Candles. RELATED: A Requiem for the Sitcom Kicker This happened to me last night. I came home after work and checked to see what the DVR was recording because it has had so many troubles in the past. It said I could come home to expect to find New Girl, Raising Hope, The Mindy Project Which Still Needs a New Name, The New Normal, Smash, and Watch What Happens Live. I then went out to see a movie and eat dinner with a friend and came home to a DVR as empty as a theater showing Beautiful Creatures. I believe a tumbleweed actually blew across the screen. SCREW YOU YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP! Just a couple of hours before it said it was going do it and but it just decided that it was going to "work from home" today which, as you know, means checking your email and and reading magazines and taking a long lunch without actually doing even the simplest of professional tasks.  And this DVR deception always seems to take place on the days of the week that are busier than others. I tape a lot of television and my device is structured like a wedding cake, finely tiered and very fragile. If one thing doesn't tape on certain nights (like Sunday or Tuesday), the whole thing comes toppling down. And if it doesn't tape anything? Well, my viewing schedule for the week is totally something that rhymes with "ducked" and starts with an F. RELATED: Sunday TV Is Officially Overloaded I know you're going to cry "first world problems," but this really pisses me off. Yes, I am lucky to afford cable and live in a country where this is one of my biggest woes. However, I pay about $200 a month to Time Warner for them to provide me cable and rent me a DVR. However, it does not work. For $2400 a year I get service that is undependable, broken, and altogether janky. Could you imagine what would happen to you if you did your job like Time Warner does theirs? You'd be collecting unemployment faster than an America's Next Top Model contestant will say she's "not here to make friends." And this is my job. I am lucky enough that my continued employment is based upon my ability to watch certain television programs and write about them. In order to do this, I need Time Warner to do their job. Sadly, only one of us is toiling away and watching The New Normal on this morning so that I can meet my already blown deadline. And there's nothing I can do about it. If I took my clothes to a dry cleaner and picked them up two days later and they were just as soiled as when I came in, I would never go back there and find another dry cleaner. But, because of the building where I live, my only option is Time Warner. I can't boycott them or choose another service, I just have to sit there and take their continual slaps to my face. I've complained, but nothing happens. They tell me to get another box and all I get is another version of the same contraption that is just as broken as the last one. They just go round and round without ever being tuned up, like a game of musical chairs where each seat has a huge turd in the middle of it. They don't seem to care about customer service at all and, when they do, (as happened recently and hilariously to my friend Richard Lawson) it is not very helpful at all. RELATED: CBS Tries to Save Its Sunday Schedule, But Everything Is Too Crowded I am trapped. Time Warner has shown no support whatsoever and it's not like I can stop watching TV and still do my job. All that's left is my rage. That incomprehensible feeling of expressed dread that comes over me every time the DVR, for no reason whatsoever, decides to not tape my shows. I have nothing left but to fall to my knees on the carpet, remote in one hand as I throw my arms to the heavens and shout, "WHY?!" Why indeed, Time Warner. Why indeed. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Illustration] From Our Partners:25 Most Scandalous Celeb Twitpics (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • The Least Normal Things About 'The New Normal': Can You Believe This Baby Shower?
    By: Brian Moylan February 27, 2013 11:43am EST
    NBC's The New Normal is a delightful show about a not very ordinary gay couple trying to have a surrogate daughter with a strange woman who has an oddball child and an unbelievably bigoted (and funny) grandmother. NeNe Leakes is also somehow involved. As much as it would like us to believe that this is the way the world works today, like most Ryan Murphy shows it is a celebration of the oddities within all of us. Therefore this weekly feature is both a celebration (and indictment) of all the abnormality contained within it. Normal: Not wanting to have a baby shower. Abnormal: A materialistic, narcissistic gay guy who likes to entertain not wanting to throw a party where everyone pays attention to him and gives him presents. Normal: Forgetting Terence Trent D'Arby. Abnormal: Forgetting "Sign Your Name" one of the all-time greatest jams. Normal: Not wanting things you don't need. Abnormal: Not wanting presents. Who doesn't want presents?! RELATED: Least Normal Things About 'The New Normal': Gone to the Dogs Edition Normal: Trying to make getting your crack waxed as easy as possible. Abnormal: Making a bottom joke while doing it. Normal: A new mother looking a mess. Abnormal: Telling a new mother she looks a mess. Do you want to lose a digit. Normal: Buying new parents a crib. Abnormal: Buying them an Eames-inspired basinette made out of endangered wood. Actually, I have a feeling a lot of gaybys sleep in these. Normal: A charitable organization accepting donations. Abnormal: A charitable organization making you feel like crap for trying to drop off a whole bunch of stuff. RELATED: Least Normal Things About 'The New Normal': Breast Feeding Edition Normal: Having three cinnamons in the spice cabinet. Abnormal: Not making one joke about Cinnamon on Facts of Life Normal: Going to the pound and going home with a dog that you didn't think you wanted until you stared into its adorable eyes. Abnormal: Going to an orphanage and going home with a baby that you didn't think you wanted until you stared into its adorable eyes. Normal: Having a sassy black toddler make a "someone touched my junk" joke. Abnormal: Not having seen Role Models. Normal: Thinking Warhol is about drugs and soup. Abnormal: Thinking Warhol is about attacking consumerism. Normal: Fantasizing about what your child will be like when he or she grows up. Abnormal: Fantasizing about what your child's sex life will be like when he or she grows up. RELATED: Least Normal Things About 'The New Normal': Grey Gardens Edition Normal: Making jokes about a fake baby shower. Abnormal: Making Golden shower jokes about a fake baby shower (though those are a lot funnier). Normal: Wanting to add a sassy black kid to your flailing network sitcom. Abnormal: Thinking it's going to turn out differently than it did with Urkel. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: NBC] From Our Partners:25 Most Scandalous Celeb Twitpics (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • Anne Hathaway Apologizes Profusely for Her Ugly Oscars Dress
    By: Brian Moylan February 26, 2013 5:29pm EST
    There are few celebrities out there as love-her-or-hate-her as Miss Anne Hathaway, celebrated theater kid and winner of the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture Feature at the 85th Annual Academy Awards. She is also a wearer of one of the ugliest Oscar victory dresses of all time (yes, Gwyneth Paltrow wore that ugly black Alexander McQueen monstrosity that made her look like she had mildewed pancakes for breasts after she won her statue). Well, now she has apologized for wearing the dress... but not for the reason you think.  Hathaway told Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet that she changed her dress at the last minute to the pale pink Prada bib with the telescopic nipples in place of the Valentino dress that the designer's PR team announced in a press release. That's what she was apologizing for, dissing Valentino. She said in a statement to People, "It came to my attention late Saturday night that there would be a dress worn to the Oscars that is remarkably similar to the Valentino I had intended to wear, and so I decided it was best for all involved to change my plans." RELATED: Anne Hathaway's Oscar Dress: Worst Outfit of All Time?  So, who was going to wear the offending dress? Hathaway's Les Misérables costar (and, in my mind, arch nemesis) Amanda Seyfried. Turns out the high-necked, lace-encrused dress she was going to wear looked way too much like the one Seyfried worked with McQueen designer Sarah Burton to create. Now it all makes sense. But, I gotta say, I'd rather be known as a copycat than have my Oscar moment in something that looks like a free giveaway at the Red Lobster.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Steve Granitz/WireImage] From Our Partners:25 Most Scandalous Celeb Twitpics (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • 'Downton Abbey' Will Be Getting Its First Black Cast Member and a Party Boy for Season 4
    By: Brian Moylan February 26, 2013 4:22pm EST
    Last month we suggested that black British (well, I can't call him African-American!) actor Idris Elba should get a job on Season 4 of Downton Abbey, the most popular costume drama in the English-speaking world. Little did we know that the soap would be needing a black actor for a totally different character. According to British newspaper The Sun who got a hold of some casting briefs for the show, it is looking to cast Jack Ross, who would be the show's first featured black character. Ross is described as "black and very handsome. A real man (not a boy) with charm and charisma.” He's a jazz musician who works at a fancy London night club. I would have to guess that he's going to be a paramour for Cousin Rose, who is going to be joining the Lord and Lady Grantham from Scotland for the year and has already shown a penchant for Le Jazz Hot, as Victor/Victoria would call it. RELATED: 'Downton Abbey' Casting: Who Could Play Mary's Suitor in Season 4? We already reported that they're looking to cast Lord Anthony Gillingham, a new love interest for the bereaving Mary, but they've also put out a call for Sir John Bullock, a party boy who must be able to act like a drunk. Who do you think should star on the show? We need someone who we can cast before March 23 when they start filming the season. Maybe we can get Donald Glover for Jack Ross (who sounds American anyway) and Rupert Grint, who has nothing better to do and I'm sure can play wasted, as Lord Anthony? Let's make it happen, ITV. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: PBS] From Our Partners:25 Most Scandalous Celeb Twitpics (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: There Are Real Fireworks in Paris
    By: Brian Moylan February 26, 2013 2:24pm EST
    Oh, Paris, the city of love, the city of lights, the city of protracted labor disputes and cab drivers who block the bridges so that they can get their way. The Real Balzac's of Taint Gulch will fit in perfectly here. After all this is Paris, the home of knitting mean ladies who plot destruction at every turn, fashion designers who go on anti-Semetic drunken rants in cafes, and deformed creatures that ring the bells, the bells, the bells, bells, bells, bells. Somehow through some strange twist of fate they've all flown Tahiti Nui Air, the discount airline of the most luxiurious nobodies in the whole entire universe, and they've all just descended on this cultural capital of the world. No one is safe, particularly not anyone associated with the Mona Lisa (Vanderpump). But before we can cross the big ocean to get to Frawnce, first we have to deal with what happened in good old Californ-I-A. First of all Kim Richards went over to visit her sister Kyle Richards and they wanted to let their Wonder Twin powers activate to tell the Widow Armstrong that she needed to join the temperance movement. Yes, Kim thought that this Victorian widow has been hitting the brandy a little too much (not hitting the Brandi a little too much, which is solely the provenance of Adrienne Queen of the Maloofs, the mole people that live under the mountain). Kyle was reticent to have such a meeting because, well, she has been down this "you're an alcoholic" path before with her sister Kim, and it ended with nothing but heartbreak and tears and drunken fights in the back of the limo where you are accused of stealing someone's house. This was actually a very interesting and insightful discussion between the Sisters Richards, as was the one they had later in the airport. It seems like the two are working towards some sort of resolution. The problem was that Kyle felt slighted from all those years of Kim's abuse, and thought that her sobriety should mean a huge apology and everything should be better. Kim, naturally, knew that her drinking partially had to do with how awful Kyle made her feel all the time and that they had stuff to work out. Here Kim got to tell Kyle that, even though she didn't stop drinking when Kyle had all those conversations with her, she definitely heard her and it helped her to get her to where she is today. At the airport when Kim said that she would hide wine in a coffee cup (which, I mean, is sort of sad genius) it was her confessing her tricks; coming clean with her misdeeds of the past. Of course, Kim explained to Kyle that she did not blow on her coffee cup to make everyone think it was a warm beverage. Kyle thinks Kim would do that. Kyle is first and foremost an actress. She would have gone that extra step and really committed to the character. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Notes on the White Party OK, so the two decided to tromp on over to the Widow Armstrong's townhome which is still swathed in black bunting to let the world know that she is in mourning. Kim was wearing giant sunglasses that keep falling off her face because her new nose is so tiny that it is being engulfed by black designer plastic. They got in there and Kim said, "Taylor, I know this is hard, but I know a drunk when I see one and you, darling, you are a drunk. Remember all the parties? Remember when you climbed into a suitcase and said you wanted to go home? Remember when you cackled and laughed with manic abandon? Remember when you shouted mean things at people and clinked your wine glasses together and totally ruined Lisa's tea which I couldn't attend because a dog punched me in the face? Remember all those things? Remember just last week when you ran off with a man and packed your daughter in the cupboard with a box of Golden Grahams and a giant Evian? Well, those things mean you're a drunk." Taylor took a long look at both of them and said, "I know. You're right. But the drinking helps me forget. It helps me forget that I am raising a daughter on my own and that someone sued me for one point five million dollars. It helps me forget that the only way I have to make money is this stupid show and possibly my body. It helps me forget where I put my daughter so that Kyle and my mother and my nanny can figure it out. But most of all, it helps me forget Russell, my Russell swinging from that rafter. Dead. Dead!" Then she sobbed seven times, whisked her hair back away from her face and said, "You're right. I am going to stop drinking now. Thank you, ladies, for pointing this out to me. You've been very helpful." They laughed and chatted for a little bit, talking about their children and schools. They talked about how Kim loves a house with a sitting area because, well, she is currently living in a trailer with a pool so it has no living room, just two benches with a table between them like a booth at one of the finer Denny's in Broward County. Kim really wants a sitting area, with a hassock and some sofas and maybe a tuffet or two. Then Taylor told them about the Man Who Went to Beaver Creek and they had some tea. Herbal Soother, I think it was. Finally she showed them the door and they hugged and Kim and Kyle walked out into the sunshine, feeling its sudden warmth on their skin. Kim took Kyle's hand and smiled, and swung it three times before dropping it and running over to the passenger side of the Mercedes. Inside, Taylor closed the door and felt the cool of the vestibule, the shadows all around her that weren't dark but weren't light. They were like twilight, and she walked back into the kitchen and put her empty mug on the counter. It was time to freshen up. She got the bottle of Chablis from the fridge and poured it almost to the brim, slurping out the palish liquid with her gigantic lips before settling into the couch cushions and breathing that sigh of forget. We now interrupt this recap to bring you the newest episode of At Someone Else's Home with Yolanda Bananas Foster. Our hostess Yolanda Bananas Foster was holding a housewarming party for her ex-husband Mohammad, who is also a close friend of Lisa Vanderpump's. I'm not quite sure why, considering Yolanda invited only her contractually obligated "friends." It was more of a "I know a guy who is so rich that he lives in a tacky hotel that has swans in the pool, can you believe it?" party. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: A Tempest in Lisa's Tea Party Anyway all the ladies showed and Kyle, who usually is allergic to sleeves, was wearing this insane sequined dress that looked like what they make the fat hostesses wear at a lesser Indian casino on Idaho or something. And the sleeves were like gigantic wizard sleeves. Yolanda, for the first time ever, was not in jeans, and was wearing this super chic blue dress with a gathered neck and a darker blue tie and skirt. It was very Lanvin. She can dress when she wants. The problem with this Yolanda party was that her husband, David Foster Wallace, was there. He is just the worst, is he not? Fetch, as usual, was doing her "take my husband, please!" routine about how her husband is so in love with her and she just wants to sleep with other guys. Then someone asked how long they've been together and she said 17 years and DFW said, "Time to trade her in for a newer model. HAHAHAHA!" Except he's not HAHAHAHA. He really means it. He is an awful person who has been married like a million times and will probably try to marry Yolanda's daughter once her mother has passed her expiration date. The Worst. That was the end of the party, and everyone figured out they would be in Paris so they all decided they would go together and get Bravo to pay for it. That is how the Housewives roll. First Lisa and Ken needed to stop by St. Tropez to spend a few days with Ken's son Warren. I need to break a few things down here first. I'm going to start by saying that I would like the Vanderpumps to adopt me like they did Max. They can just cart me around the world and dress me up in little outfits and pretend like I'm Giggy. I have alopecia too! I would like to speak French and hang out on delicious compounds where the guest house is just beyond the tennis court and it is all steps away from a gorgeous beach with sand as white as the cast of the Real Housewives of Everywhere But Atlanta (thanks for that joke, Joan Rivers) and the sea is as blue as that gross glass jar full of combs at the barber shop. That is what I want. I also want Warren, who is hot. Warren is 45, has a tight body, is rather attractive in a young Rod Stewart kind of way, and has a shit ton of money. Lisa says that he is entirely self made from doing real estate deals, and I am sure that is partially true but getting some starter money from dear old dad probably didn't hurt either. Anyway, I'm not sure what exactly what is going on with Warren, because he married a friend of Lisa's named Sue who has the same somewhat sadistic sense of humor as Ms. Vanderpump but does not have the same surgeon. She looks old! She looks like the kind of lady who married a man 15 years younger than her back before Demi Moore made it fashionable. RELATED: 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Recap: Brandi Vs. Adrienne, Round Infinity Now Sue was in The Spy Who Loved Me (she played the Log Cabin Girl) which came out in 1977. Even if she was 18 when that movie was made, she'd be 53 today. Sue does not look 53. I only bring this up because Lisa claims to be 50. Lisa looks very good for her age. She does not look 50. She doesn't. I'm sorry. I would guess closer to 58 or 59 (I won't say the "sixty" word out loud). That is just my guess. Now I love Lisa, but I don't think people should lie about their age. That's just silly. Especially if you're Lisa and you're older than poor old Sue and your face doesn't look like a coin purse that was left out in the sun. Shouldn't you say, "I'm sixty" and be proud and not kick your leg up in the air like some stupid SNL character.  Nothing really exciting happened in St. Tropez, so they went off to Paris where, well, nothing exciting happened either. We found out that Fetch didn't make the trip because her father-in-law died of a heart attack (he was a movie producer and in the In Memoriam montage at the Oscars) and everyone was going to hang out and watch fireworks. The all gathered on Brandi and Yolanda's balcony and took in the view of the Eiffel Tower on Bastille Day as the only six planes in the French Air Force flew overhead and leaked red, white, and blue smoke out of their tail pipes. Kyle thought that was very sweet way for them to welcome the whole crew to the country, displaying the colors of the American flag just for them. Yes, just for them. Kim, of course, was the last person to join the group. She tottered out on the balcony and she wasn't quite feeling right. "Oh, no, it's just the jet lag," she said when Lisa asked her some question and she gave some giggly answers that made no sense. She laughed maniacally and then the wind blew up her dress and she slurred, "I'm like Marilyn! Psfasdihiost," as she swatted at her face to get the hair away from it. They all looked at her and it was a look she recognized immediately: knowning concern. They were all worried it happened again, that she was standing there in a hotel as the wagon was pulling away, jostling on its rickety wheels down the coblestone streets of old Paree without Kim holding onto the back of it, her knuckles white as the center stripe in the French flag. That's what they were wondering about, she knew, and she didn't know how to tell them, "I'm not drunk!" without sounding like every sloshed sorority girl who just puked next to a tree on the sidewalk. She can't tell them. She has made too many mistakes for telling. She has to show. She just has to get it together, to show them all that she was doing what she told them, she was mending her life, she was making it better. And the fireworks started with a bang and a flash that resolved to a sizzle. One after the next, in the air, casting strange and temporary shadows all around them. Everyone oohed and ahhed, laughed and put their arms around each other. They vocalized their delight, they drew others into their happiness, to be up on this balcony with the summer wind dusting their hair, tickling their shoulders. Kim started out into the red festivities but she couldn't chuckle or cry. She could barely stand up, she could barely concentrate on everyone around her. She was trying to figure out a way to grasp all that sparkle, and hold it in her hand. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] From Our Partners:25 Most Scandalous Celeb Twitpics (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • Is Anyone Shorter Than Daniel Radcliffe?
    By: Brian Moylan February 25, 2013 5:03pm EST
    We all know that when famous sprite Daniel Radcliffe should have been going through his growth spurt he was too busy earing $17 quintrillion to bother with, you know, growing up. Unlike Peter Pan, he's matured but – how can we put this politely – he's short. There was evidence of this everywhere last night at the Oscars, where he seemed to be the smallest person in teensy tiny Hollywood.  He was shorter than notorious dwarf Ryan Seacrest.  He was shorter than diminutive Entertainment Weekly editor Jess Cagle.    He was shorter than both average Seth MacFarlane and Joseph Gordon-Levitt (aka, the threeway of my dreams).  Even though she was wearing heels, Les Misérables' (soon-to-be-forgotten) ingenue Samantha Barks towered over him at the Vanity Fair Oscar party.   So, is there anyone who is actually shorter than the boy who lived (but didn't grow)? There isn't any photographic evidence of it from last night, but we have some contenders from the Oscars.  Quvenzhané Wallis.   Both Kristin Chenoweth and Bradley Cooper's mom.   And, of course, Ted.   Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: ABC(5); E!; Kevin Mazur/WireImage] Oscars 2013 Special Coverage Oscars 2013 Best Dressed: PICS! • Anne Hathaway: Oscar’s Worst Dressed?• Seth MacFarlane’s Opening: How’d He Do?• Adele’s Performance Gets Mixed Reviews• 15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes• What Happened to Renee Zellweger's Face?• Oscars 2013: The Full Winners List• Why Kristen Stewart Was on Crutches From Our Partners:25 Most Scandalous Celeb Twitpics (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • National Treasure Jennifer Lawrence Was Hilarious at Her Oscars Press Conference
    By: Brian Moylan February 25, 2013 2:07pm EST
    Golden goddess and national treasure Jennifer Lawrence is known for being open, honest, and a little bit insane in her interviews. And that, ladies and gentleman, is precisely what makes her one of the most promising young stars in Hollywood today. Oh, and the fact that she can act up a storm, work a bow and arrow, and look as gorgeous as the sunshine through a dewdrop doesn't hurt either. But her openness was especially on display last night during her post-win press conference. The actress, who picked up Best Actress for her role in Silver Linings Playbook, addressed the ridiculousness of asking about her getting ready, her notorious stumble up to the podium, and just how many shots she took before coming out on stage.  That's not her only amazing video of the night. Check out below when she tells lecherous screen legend Jack Nicholson that he's being rude to interrupt her when she's doing an interview and her amazing response to his inappropriate advances.    Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images] Oscars 2013 Special Coverage Oscars 2013 Best Dressed: PICS! • Anne Hathaway: Oscar’s Worst Dressed?• Seth MacFarlane’s Opening: How’d He Do?• Adele’s Performance Gets Mixed Reviews• 15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes• What Happened to Renee Zellweger's Face?• Oscars 2013: The Full Winners List• Why Kristen Stewart Was on Crutches From Our Partners:40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • The Oscar Ratings Are Up, Young People Tune in for Seth MacFarlane's Boob Jokes
    By: Brian Moylan February 25, 2013 1:11pm EST
    Thanks to social media turning them into an event you want to watch in real time and rip apart with your friends on the Internet, the ratings for awards shows have been trending upwards in the past few years. This year, early numbers show that last night's Academy Awards telecast surged from the year before — not only in total viewers but in the key demographic of 18-to-49 year olds that advertisers crave like Anne Hathaway craves being able to go back in time and wear a different dress.  The showed earned a 26.6 rating  and a 41 share — up 4% from last year's telecast, which netted 39.3 million viewers. This year 40.3 million people watched, making it the most-watched non-sports program in three years. The big news is that the audience was significantly younger, with 19% more young people tuning it. This, again, may have something to do with all the faces on Facebook and all the twits on Twitter, or it could be that there are so many popular favorites among this year's Best Picture nominees (six of the nine cracked $100 million at the box office and others came very close to beating that number). Or, the surge might be thanks to host Seth MacFarlane and his legions of young (and mostly male) fans, something the Oscars has had a hard time attracting for years. (The highest ratings in the last 10 years were in 2004, when the show found 43.6 million eyeballs watching the show.) RELATED: Billy Crystal Gives Surprise Boost to Oscar Ratings In 2012, when Billy Crystal was teleported back from the late '90s to host the show, the audience rose slightly, but the number of young viewers remained steady from the year before — which points to the fact that MacFarlane and his Jew-baiting boob jokes might have more do to with the show's success than how many people "liked" it on Facebook. Which is sad, because it means the host might get another crack at it, even though few people liked his performance in any sense of the word.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty Images] Oscars 2013 Special Coverage Oscars 2013 Best Dressed: PICS! • Anne Hathaway: Oscar’s Worst Dressed?• Seth MacFarlane’s Opening: How’d He Do?• Adele’s Performance Gets Mixed Reviews• 15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes• What Happened to Renee Zellweger's Face?• Oscars 2013: The Full Winners List• Why Kristen Stewart Was on Crutches
  • The Night the Oscars Fell Down: Why It Was One of the Most Boring Ceremonies in Years
    By: Brian Moylan February 25, 2013 2:40am EST
    Poor Jennifer Lawrence, rushing up from the front row to grab her statue for Best Actress in a dress that looks like it won first prize in the Build a Wedding Dress Out of Toilet Paper contest. She fell down. Well, she actually slipped on the banana peel that we all planted there for Anne Hathaway in the hopes that America's most hated actress would take a tumble. But it was Jennifer who stumbled (Hugh Jackman got up to save her fall) and made a joke about how the tumble was the only reason for her standing ovation. It's sad that this was one of the most exciting moments at the 85th Annual Academy Awards. Yes, this year the Oscars were boring. Well, I don't know if "boring" is the right word. The ceremony is always kind of boring, right? There is the thrill of seeing the host's monologue and the first big Supporting Actor/Actress category. But, typically, that's only followed by the lull of the shorts and documentaries, and then the technical categories before, finally, the ceremony rewards the biggest categories of the night. In recent years, the onslaught of Oscar prognostication in publications and across the Internet created a race that is almost predetermined before the envelopes were opened. (Speaking of which, did we notice that Meryl Streep didn't seem to look at the contents of her envelope, instead decreeing Daniel Day-Lewis the Best Actor winner because she is Meryl F-ing Streep and she can just say so?) This year, the show just seemed more tedious, filled with missed opportunities, some unfortunate technical difficulties, and a muddled tone. The ceremony was something out of both a frat boy and a homosexual's fever dream. The frat boys had host Seth MacFarlane and his typical potty humor — his schtick included a song about boobs, jokes about pretty girls, comments about how he is decidedly not gay even though everything that has to do with musicals is gay, and edgy quips that could come off racist, sexist, homophobic, and anti-Semitic if you look at them in the wrong light. (After all, the only thing that Seth MacFarlane likes more than a funny voice is a Jew joke.) Then, well, you had all the gay stuff about musicals. And Barbra Streisand. And musicals. And gay people winning awards. But wait — that didn't happen because Tony Kushner and How to Survive a Plague were robbed. Well, at least the gays just got the musicals! RELATED: Seth MacFarlane’s Monologue: What’d You Think? The theme this year had something to do with movie musicals, which could have been a great boon for the production value of the show. Given that the ceremony was produced by Craig Zadan and Neil Meron, the unambiguously gay duo that specialize in bringing Broadway to the screen, it was the perfect opportunity. Yet the musical salute seemed to be more of a tribute to their musical Chicago than musicals in general. Did we really need to stare into Renée Zellweger's disappearing eye slits as the cast of Chicago reunited on stage? Plus, we were forced to be privy to a paltry selection of musicals in the tribute itself — only Chicago, Dreamgirls, and a medley from Les Miserables that would make you claw your own ears off were highlighted during the ceremony. Nothing from Best Picture musicals like Gigi, West Side Story, My Fair Lady, or even The Sound of Music? (Instead, the latter Best Picture winner was referenced merely in a Von Trapp Nazi joke.) There is a rich cinematic history of musicals, so where are all the old production numbers that might get people who love Glee logging onto Netflix to watch Sweet Charity? They were in the same place as Zellweger's old face, apparently.  While Shirley Bassey singing "Goldfinger" was one of the highlights of the show, it's difficult to determine just how her package was a tribute to the songs of James Bond. A montage, a few strings from "Live and Let Die," and Bassey's "Goldfinger" — couldn't we have crammed a few more songs in there? Where was Tina Turner, Madonna, Sheryl Crowe, and Duran Duran? 007's case would have been much stronger if the ceremony had capped the tribute off with Adele's "Skyfall," which was inexplicably placed later in the ceremony. (And I couldn't have been the only one left wondering why the Oscars only featured three out of the five Best Original Song entries.)  RELATED: Barbra Streisand at the Oscars: Sigh... Adele's number later ("Skyfall" from Skyfall, of course) was well done, though her nerves — or perhaps sound issues — led to mixed feelings surrounding her comeback. Barbra Streisand, on the other hand, killed her version of "The Way We Were" to cap the In Memoriam montage. But the sound problems only returned for MacFarlane and Kristin Chenoweth's amusing "Let's Hear it for the Losers" soft shoe to end the night.  The musical numbers weren't the only thing plagued with problems during the Oscars. The banter and gags throughout the show fell on unamused ears. The usually always amazing Paul Rudd and Melissa McCarthy bombed with a gag about voice work when presenting Best Animated Feature. And things only got worse: Samuel L. Jackson and Robert Downey Jr. did a confusing bit surrounding a teleprompter argument before awarding Best Cinematography. Was it a joke? Or were they really arguing? Whatever the case, it was awful. And it's just best not to talk about Kristen Stewart's complete inability to annunciate, right?  What's strange, though, is the awards show managed to be the most boring Oscars with the most shocking wins. If you actually picked Christoph Waltz for Best Supporting Actor in your Oscar Pool, then you are a better man than I am. The same goes for Ang Lee, who took home Best Director. Even Lawrence lurched toward victory despite talk that Emmanuelle Riva was poised to steal Oscar gold. The awards this year weren't as cut and dried as they often are (we even had a shocking and exciting tie, but it was for Sound Editing, a category no one can adequately describe not to mention care about), so 2013's ceremony did offer some suspense. RELATED: Oscars 2013: See the Winners Here! But not enough to make up for the lack thereof in the night's speeches. When Daniel Day-Lewis becomes known as 2013's class clown, you know the Oscars are in bad shape. There were no animated speeches, no expletive-ridden speeches, and no embarrassing speeches. Anne Hathaway wasn't needy enough, Quentin Tarantino wasn't crazy enough, and Lawrence, maybe thrown off by her bobble, was far more flustered and less winning that we've become used to this awards season. The most remarkable thing about the winners is how they were all trying to outdo Saruman from The Lord of the Rings with their identical long, white hair. Still, Ben Affleck managed to be winning, bringing himself close to tears when Argo won for Best Picture. (The best revenge for a Gigli joke from MacFarlane.) Speaking of Best Pictures, Michelle Obama shocked us all by appearing on a screen to read the winner and the Oscars said, "Screw you, Golden Globes, for thinking you're so cool that you have Bill Clinton." Yes, there were plenty of surprises and, I'm sure, plenty of moments that will become iconic, but for a show that was more than 30 minutes too long and much longer than most in recent memory, there didn't seem to be that much return on the investment of our time. It was so long, but, for what? All that Captain Kirk stuff at the beginning? All those extraneous musical numbers that seemed more poised to sell Blu-rays than actually educate the public? When the big highlight is Jennifer Lawrence almost embarrassing herself (as if that's possible), you know Oscar has plenty to work on before 2014. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Kevin Winter/Getty Images] Oscars 2013 Special Coverage Oscars 2013 Best Dressed: PICS! • Anne Hathaway: Oscar’s Worst Dressed?• Seth MacFarlane’s Opening: How’d He Do?• Adele’s Performance Gets Mixed Reviews• 15 Oscar-Winning Nude Scenes• What Happened to Renee Zellweger's Face?• Oscars 2013: The Full Winners List• The Winner, According to You From Our Partners:40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)