Author

Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Mariah Carey Makes Sweet Love to a Motorcycle in New '#Beautiful' Music Video
    By: Brian Moylan May 10, 2013
    In the video for her new single, "#Beautiful" (the hashtag makes a statement without saying a word, like the world's last bottle of Exclamation perfume), Mariah Carey sings, "I love when you run red lights and I love how you don't stop until you thrill me." She isn't talking to her duet partner Miguel, it appears she is talking to the motorcycle she is undulating on throughout the video.  Just look at the pair's body language in this video. Sure they start off on the back of the bike together, but then they don't touch for the remainder of the song. Instead Mariah is on the stationary bike all alone. Then she's squirming and pulling at her short neon dress standing in front of a classic car so gorgeous that it would make Jay Leno's gigantic jaw drop. She's not singing to Miguel, she's singing to this symbol of automotive beauty. Check below and enjoy "#Beautiful," the first love duet performed between a woman and a hashtag car.    Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Mariah Carey and Miguel's New Song "#Beautiful" Isn't As Sexy As We HopedMariah Carey Is a Golden Girl in Her "Triumph" VideoAll Mariah Carey Wants for Christmas Is You From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • 'Survivor' Recap: Everyone Is Absolutely Sobbing
    By: Brian Moylan May 09, 2013
    I have said it before and I'll say it again, I both love and hate the "loved ones visit" episode of Survivor. I love it because it's one of the most truly emotional events of any given season and it makes you like even the most awful and annoying players when you see them melt in gratitude that their parent/spouse/sibling is there to give them a hug and engage in a challenge. I hate it because, well, it makes me cry. Almost every damn year, I get all welled up at these reunions and then I think about what would happen if my mom showed up and then I miss my mom and then I cry and then I finish watching Survivor and call my mom and when she asks what's wrong I say, "Nothing, Mom. I love you. But if you ever come to visit me on the set of Survivor hide a box of Junior Mints somewhere on your body. Thanks" Yes, thanks to CELL PHONE PRODUCT PLACEMENT, last night was the "loved ones" visit. Cochran's mom, Dawn's husband, Sherri's husband, Eric's brother, Eddie's dad, and Brenda's dad all came and, for some reason, this year made me more emotional than ever. Maybe it was Brenda who started off by telling her father that she was being humble this time around and she was doing really well because of it and how she thinks about him every day. Even Jeff Probst, a man with a demeanor as stony as a hidden immunity idol, got a little teared up. Dawn absolutely bawled when she saw her husband. Cochran and his mom had a cute bonding moment and then faced the challenge – where everyone had to get rungs off a pole and then throw balls with strings attached at them – as if they knew they were going to lose. Yup, Cochran and his mom just had themselves a nice cute visit. "So, how's the food out here?" "Pretty non-existant. How was your flight?" Brenda wins the challenge and gets to pick someone to go with her to spend the rest of the afternoon with their loved ones. She chooses her retainer buddy Dawn. Oh, but no. No, indeed. Cruel, cruel Jeff Probst had other ideas in mind. Everything this season has been amped up  for, what seems like, the viewers' benefit. It worked very well for the Survivor Auction, when each item was really some cruel Sophie's Choice, but last night, well, it was just mean. Probst tells Brenda that not only was there one loved one visiting, but two, including Sheri's oldest son, a revelation which brings on even more bawling. Probst then tells Brenda that either she and Dawn can go see their two loved ones and everyone else goes back to camp or everyone else gets their loved ones and she and Dawn are back at camp lonelier than the guy running the carving station at a vegetarian convention. Of course Brenda chose to let everyone else have their fun, which screws both her and Dawn which brings about even more bawling from Dawn. And then, to make it even worse, the family BBQ was being held on a raft within sight of camp, so these two had to watch what they gave up. But Dawn didn't give it up, she just got screwed by Brenda. She cried and raged and banged things and almost lost her mind and, man, that was mean. It was so mean, in fact, I thought that at any minute Dawn and Brenda's family would come out of the trees and surprise them and give them hugs and thank them for their sacrifice. That would have been the right thing to do, but no, that did not happen. They were made to suffer.  This seems to be a new, cruel brand of Survivor that I don't know that I'm really down with. It seems to be one that prizes Dawn, Shamar, Brandon, Phillip, and, this episode, Eric freaking the hell out on everyone and making camp awful. The producers (let's call them "Probst" shall we?) think that we want the histrionics that accompanies so much of every other reality show. But this isn't any other reality TV show. This is Survivor. We don't watch it for the same reason we watch Honey Boo Boo or any of the Kardashians' dog and pony shows. We don't watch for drama. We watch for amazing game play, insight into group dynamics, big personalities making big moves, and surprises. The show already puts people on an island with little food, no change of clothes, and nothing but a non-lethal Hunger Games to keep them amused. You have to make things worse for them, especially psychologically? That's just messed up. Speaking of great game play, I would have rather watched more of the coup against Brenda unfold rather than spend all that time watching Dawn cry and feeling so bad for her that I just want to give her a peanut butter cookie and a hug that lasts three weeks. Anyway, Brenda's big mistake was at the immunity challenge, where everyone had to hold onto handles and dangle over the water until their arms gave out. Just like when she and Andrea faced off, not giving in when it's a member of her own alliance and trying to show how strong she is made everyone see her as a big threat. When Brenda made a production out of staying up there and then lost she only reinforced in everyone's minds how hard it is going to be to get her out of the game in the future, so they took the chance and voted her off. Then, as if there wasn't enough crying, Brenda left in a heap of sobs. "I was honest with you guys. I was genuine with you guys," she said as she stood before them and then had her torch extinguished. That even made me cry too. Usually when someone is blindsided they leave in anger, but Brenda left in sadness. Man, it was a very hard thing to watch her cry as she walked away. Other than all the sobbing what was really interesting is how the voting went down. Cochran, Dawn, and Sheri voted for Brenda. They went off on their own and this triumvirate is now the majority. They didn't even bother to tell Eddie, who obviously wouldn't have voted with them to save himself. That was the fourth vote the needed to make sure that they got their way, and they could have used it to bargain with Eddie. Also, Eric is probably going to be burned that he wasn't in on the decision and won't trust any of them. If he wins the next couple of challenges, that exclusion could bite them in the end. I would pick Cochran, Dawn, and Eric as the final three after this week, but based on the preview for Sunday's finale, it looks like someone might get hurt and have to leave, so I'm leaving it all up in the air. See, that's the kind of surprise we want, not one of Probst's cruel twists. Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Survivor' Recap: Double Elimination Means Twice the Fun'Survivor' Recap: The Best Tribal Council Ever'Survivor' Recap: The Survivor Auction Finally Gets Good From Our Partners:Watch Justin Bieber Attacked in Dubai (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • 'The Young and the Restless' Star Jeanne Cooper Dead at 84
    By: Brian Moylan May 08, 2013
    Jeanne Cooper, one of the legends of daytime television who played Katherine Chancellor on The Young and the Restless for 40 years, passed away this morning. She was 84 years old. Her son, Corbin Bernsen, an actor from L.A. Law, told the world of her passing on his Twitter account. She was hospitalized in April. Cooper began her career as a character actress in the '50s, but her star really shined when she joined Y&R a few months after it launched in 1973. She played the fabulously wealthy, sassy grand dame Katherine, whose battles with alcohlism were legendary. Cooper knew something about the disease and suffered with it for a good part of her life. That wasn't the only time her medical history was written into the show. In the '80s she had a face lift and so did her character. She also had to take a medical leave in 2011 after a bout of the flu and her character was recast for a bit. However she returned shortly thereafter and played Katherine nearly up until her death. Cooper was married to TV producer  Harry Bernsen Jr but divorced in 1977. She is survived by her three children Corbin, Collin, and Caren Bensen. She was nominated for 13 Emmys, mostly for Y&R, but she earned one for playing Corbin's mother on L.A. Law and another for the series Ben Casey. She only received an Emmy once, in 2008. She was one of the few true soap stars still left and daytime drama fans will surely miss her.  Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Young and the Restless' Star Jeanne Cooper Hospitalized'Young and the Restless' Leads Daytime Emmy Nominations From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Tom Hanks Is an Awesome Reluctant Hero in Trailer for Somali Pirate Drama 'Captain Phillips'
    By: Brian Moylan May 08, 2013
    When you think of Tom Hanks you probably think of all his Oscars or Hollywood royalty or Joe Versus the Volcano. You don't necessarily think of him as an action hero. But that seems to be what he's playing in Captain Phillips, the new movie from Bourne trilogy director Paul Greengrass. Based on a true story, Hanks plays Capt. Richard Phillips, who faced off against a crew of Somali pirates who took over his ship in an international incident in 2009. Check out Hanks dodging bullets, running for cover, and facing off against the enemy in the movie's first trailer below.  Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Tom Hanks to Play Capt. Richard Phillips in Somali Pirate DramaSpacey Takes on Captain's StoryTom Hanks Will Be Hollywood's Top Earner From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • McDonald's Reaches Out to Charles Ramsey, The Hero Who Saved Amanda Berry While Eating Their Food
    By: Brian Moylan May 08, 2013
      Everyone has been talking about Amanda Berry and the two women that were held captive for a decade in a Cleveland home, but more than the crime itself, people have been talking about Charles Ramsey, the colorful Samaritan who helped them to freedom. Ramsey gave a crazy interview about his actions to a local station and called 911. He mentions McDonald's in both viral clips because he was eating their food when he heard Berry scream for help. Now the restaurant chain is reaching out to Ramsey so they can discuss the matter with him. What are they going to offer him? A reward? A commercial? They're staying mum and a rep for the brand told the AP that they want to talk to him privately due to the sensitive matter of the story. Yeah, using Ramsey to help sell McRibs because he said he used to eat ribs with the kidnappers seems as tasteless as a melted McFlurry. This is especially true considering cops caught the three brothers accussed of locking the women up in, you guessed it, a McDonald's. Looks like they're on both sides of this equation.   But the strange reaction to this new folk hero continues to be odd at best. Like other YouTube stars, Ramsey's interview is aready over one million views and received the AutoTune treatement thanks to the Gregory Brothers (of Antoine Dodson fame). So, laugh away at a horrible atrocity with a pop diddy below.    Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Will Charles Ramsey Join the Ranks of Other YouTube CelebritiesHollywood Stars Salute Kidnap Rescuer Charles RamseyProof that Fame Will Shorten Your Life Span From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Robert Redford Is Producing 'Chicagoland' Documentary Series for CNN
    By: Brian Moylan May 08, 2013
    For all of you who think that Robert Redford retired, well, you're wrong. He just signed a deal with CNN to produce an eight-episode series called Chicagoland. Yes, CNN looks more like a reality TV channel these days than ever before. But this is very serious reality of course. It will be looking at the challenges that face the city right now, including overhauling its educational system, dealing with crime and neighborhood safety, and figuring out just how to get the Cubs into the World Series. Okay...maybe not that last one.  Redford said in a statement, "Chicago has always had a rhythm all its own. It’s a city that wears its heart on its sleeve and I am honored to be a part of telling this story.” The series will debut in early 2014.  Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Robert Redford and Obama Ask If Gun Violence Is a Problem in Movies'The Company You Keep': Robert Redford Is a TerroristRobert Redford Gushes Over James McAvoy From Our Partners:Watch Justin Bieber Attacked in Dubai (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • The Gay Jokes in Lonely Island's New Spring Break Video with James Franco Don't Make Any Sense
    By: Brian Moylan May 08, 2013
    If it wasn't clear from his real gay sex masterpiece, Interior: Leather Bar, James Franco is incapable of making anything without reference to gay people and/or penis jokes. His new video for the band Lonely Island has both, of course. The video starts off as one of Zach Galifianakis' "Between Two Ferns" interviews where he asks James Franco wonderfully embarrassing questions about himself but then it turns to musical guest Lonely Island – Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, and Jorma Taccone's factory of novelty jams. Yes, this is actually a video for their song "Spring Break" where guys are pounding brews, chasing p***y, and then "marrying a man." Yes, each member gets wed to either Galifinakis, Franco, and Ed Norton in a queer cameo. But what does it mean? How do these things go together? Is it just the juvenile male sense of humor saying "ha ha, dudes doing it is funny?" Is it trying to show us that guys who are aggressively into chasing tail in Cabo are doing it to mask latent homosexual desires? Is it because Zach in a tux is a really funny thing to behold? Is it because they all smoked too much pot and thought this was really funny and it's not supposed to make sense and the joke is on me for trying to make sense of it? What is going on? Will someone please tell me because I have to decided if I should be offended or not.    Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Will Ferrell Makes Out with Zach Galifianakis'Between Two Ferns' Gets Comedy Central SpecialNew Lonely Island Album from Andy Samberg and Gang! From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Keira Knightley Stars in Karl Lagerfeld's Gorgeous Movie About the Early Days of Chanel
    By: Brian Moylan May 08, 2013
      When you hear the phrase "Once Upon a Time..." you think that you're about to listen to a fairy tale, not a documentary. But this new 18-minute (OK, 14-minute with credits) film (OK, commercial for Chanel) by Karl Lagerfeld is sort of both. We see the start of the legendary fashion house Lagerfeld designs for as a hat shop in Deauville in 1913. Keira Knightley, one of Unkle Karl's favorite muses, plays the designer (and does a much better job delivering her lines than the steel-jawed models in the other roles). But it's not all history, it's a sumptuous black and white feast of amazingly detailed outfits, outrageous hats, and more pearls than you will see on all of the Upper East Side society ladies at all their lunches all year. Check it out below:    Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Watch Emma Watson's New Perfume CommercialWatch George Clooney's Commercial for a Norwegian BankWatch Odd Future's Offensive Mountain Dew Commercial From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Dear RuPaul, The 'RuPaul's Drag Race' Finale Is Too Damn Long
    By: Brian Moylan May 07, 2013
    Dear RuPaul, I have been with you since Season 1 of RuPaul's Drag Race, when no one figured out just what "creativity, uniqueness, nerve, and talent" stood for yet. And I stood by you. I stood by you during the atrocity of crowning Tyra Sanchez the winner, through the double scariness of Chad Michaels' and Detox's lips, and even through the horrible teams concept of the All-Star's season. I even stood with you through Phi Phi O'Hara! But there is something I can no longer tolerate. This might be the end of our relationship altogether. Ru, sister, squirrelfriend. No tea, no shade, but your finale is too damn long! Seriously, two hours. Two hours? Last year it was bad enough when you threw us all for a surprise and said you wouldn't announce the winner until the reunion a week after the final episode of the competition. That was annoying, but at least we knew what we were in for this year. But then we rev up the DVR and it tells us we have to watch for two hours before we find out who takes the crown. We had to dedicate the same amount if time it takes to watch four episodes of 1 Girl 5 Gays to just one finale. We only got one RuPaul when we could have had 4 girls and 20 gays! And the hour was more padded than Alaska's skinny ass in a Dress Like Divine challenge. I don't want to see Penny Tration try to read the other queens and I had forgotten, entirely, what a Lenatia Sparx is. Even when I saw her I sounded like a crack-addled owl, "Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?" Yes, all of these lesser queens, like Honey Mahogany's wig, are better seen in the opening dance number and then retired to the background for the rest of the show.  I get it, I do. Logo needs to capitalize on its one success and super-sizing their one hit show so that it is longer than a pair of Latrice Royal's control top pantyhose. But isn't that what Drag U is for? And that awful All-Stars season? Between tacking each episode of Untucked onto the end each episode when it records on the DVR and forcing us to watch this reunion, you've already squeezed as much juice out of these fruits as you can. Why do you need to make it two lame hours? Just cut to the chase already. Tell us who wins, make a few lame jokes about Michelle Visage, and let us get back to watching reruns of SVU episodes we've already seen like we always do! There is capitalizing on your success, but this is just rubbing our faces in it to the point of exhaustion.  I'm not complaining about the outcome of the show. You totally made the right pick with Jinkx Monsoon as the winner, but if you're going to make us sit there for 120 minutes, we need more than just stupid interviews with queens we don't even care about. You didn't even put Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese in a cage match and make them brawl it out. I could watch that for a day and a half! Jazz it up or cut it down, but right now your show is more bloated than Lady Bunny at an all-you-can-eat BBQ joint.  Thanks for listening, Ru. Good luck on the next season finale. And don't f**k it up.  Love (Yourself So You Can Love Someone Else),Brian  Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Why 'RuPaul's Drag Race' Is the Best Reality Show on TVRuPaul, We Demand You Announce a 'Drag Race' Winner Right Now'RuPaul's Drag Star' Santino Rice Is Shockingly Buff From Our Partners:Watch Justin Bieber Attacked in Dubai (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • 'Real Housewives of Orange County' Recap: Lydia McLaughlin's Mother Is Absolutely Bonkers
    By: Brian Moylan May 07, 2013
    For all of us who consume the Real Housewives franchise like a Sommelier drinks a Ramona Pinot Grigiot (that is to say, with a whole lot of disgust followed by a slight pang of clever amusement) we have come to expect certain things, familiar characters if you will. That is why it was not at all surprising when Lydia McLaughlin unveiled her hidden secret weapon: a crazy mother. Yes, Jill Zarin has one. So does Marisol Patton (and I firmly believe the only reason she is still a Housewife of Miami is so that her mother will be around). Every woman on the Real Housewives of New Jersey is really just a crazy mother in one way or another. Beverly Hills wannabe Fetch tried to have a crazy mother but her mom was just as boring and striving as she was. No one wants a mom who tries. No one. But this Judy, well, she's something else entirely. But let's talk about all the boring stuff first shall we? Wow, last night sure was a snooze. The most exciting thing about the first 20 minutes of the The Real Housewives of Orange County was, honestly, the hair accessories. First Lydia was wearing some sort of headband that is like something you put on baby girls that is like an elastic that has one burst of marabou on it. It is a mark, not of an attractive baby, but of an overly annoying mother. It shows you that this is the woman who would endanger the blood flow to her daughter's still developing brain so that she can be "fabulous" and everyone can ooh and coo at her one little sartorial flourish. It's as if these mothers think that having a little elastic headband will distract people from the fact that this tiny human being is quite literally sitting in its own s**t at that very moment. It does not. Then we go to Alexis' bathroom where she was talking about God knows what with Our Lord and Savior Jim Bellino. Actually God does know because they were talking directly to him. I can't even hear the sounds of her voice anymore. It's like she is some sort of crazy dog whistle that operates on a frequency that is above human. Maybe she's talking directly to the lord in the same language that the crazy angel uses in Date with an Angel one of the best movies on HBO on constant repeat in my formative years. Anyway, Alexis then whips out what appears to be the world's last remaining Scrunchie. Yes, the one thing from the '90s that BuzzFeed has yet to find a way to create nostalgia around, and it is sitting right there in Alexis double-sided bathroom. It was an eggshell color and she put it in her hair and no elastic touched her precious locks because it had Scrunchie all around it. (Can you believe that there is a woman out there in the world right now who is a Scrunchie millionaire? Can you even deal with that? Can you accept the fact that she is not a Real Housewife of Somewhere? How is any of this even possible?) What can we say about Gretchen? Oh, she's sad that Slade has to tend to his son with Spina Bifida and can't put a baby in her and all she can hear is the deafening ticks of her biological clock. She sat there on the couch talking to him and fiddling with a bit of elastic with a piece of Maribu on it that was once one of her garters but she can't wait to put on her baby's head. What can we say about Tamra? Oh, she's mad at Vicki for not coming to the Moving In Party for the Wines by Wives Dot Com office. First of all, this business does not need an office. It needs a Skype account and some guy at a laptop in a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Keep the overhead down people! And now Tamra and Vicky, who already have offices of their own, have vanity offices at some scummy industrial park somewhere in Tarzana. Is that even in Orange County? Who knows? Who cares! It's gross. Speaking of Vicki, she had two very important conversations with men last night. First up was her son-in-law Ryan, who helped her put a car seat in her car with the help of the klieg lights he just had lying around in the garage. You know, as people do. Anyway, after the seat Vicki was like, "Listen, Ryan. I want Brooks to come by the house." And Ryan said, "No, sorry. We didn't agree to that. I have safety concerns." OK, I hate Brooks as much as the next person and he is a bigger grifter than Anjelica Huston in The Grifters, but he is not a "safety concern." What is he worried about? That Brooks is going to kidnap his baby and hold him for ransom and he's going to have to get a suitcase full of unmarked bills or something? That is just silly. But Vicki pushed and said she wanted Brooks to come and Ryan said, "Well, we're moving out then." And Vicki said OK. Ryan is pissed, she is pissed but wants him to say everything is fine, and he just walked into the house without saying a word. Then Vicki had dinner with Brooks. First of all the waitress comes over and he was like, "I'd like to order Vicki martinis," as if he's out to dinner with the world's most famous person and the waitress should just immediately know what that is. She looked at him quizzically and he said, "You know it's a martini with olives but..." and then Vicki finished his sentence "with, you know, blue cheese in the olives." She says it embarrassed like she doesn't want to bother the waitress to go through all this trouble to make the drink or like a child whose mother just mad her "do that thing" for company. But she does. Also, O to the Em Gee! When was this a Vicki Martini? Like Season 3? How long ago was that? And Brooks wasn't even there for it! I would say this was like when you go visit your mom and she was like, "I made your favorite: Sloppy Joes!" but you haven't had a Sloppy Joe since the last time you went to visit her and you stopped liking them somewhere around your 17th birthday but you just can't figure out how to tell your mom you don't like Sloppy Joes when it brings her so much joy to make them for you. I would say it's like that, but it's not. It's more like having dinner with Tina Fey and the waitress comes over and you're like, "Can we get some Cheesy Blasters. Right? Right? Amiright?!" Embarrassing. Anyway, at the dinner Brooks said that he wants to come and visit but Vicki said that they won't let him and he tells them that it's her house and she makes the rules and they should do what she says. Give me an NRA membership and call me Strom Thurmon, but Brooks is actually right. Brianna and Ryan have no right to tell Vicki who can and can't be in her house. However, both parties need to pressure her to make a choice. The problem here is not that they don't like each other, it's that Vicki seems perfectly happy having both sides at odds with each other because it means she gets everything. She gets to see Brooks and live with her daughter. They both need to tell her, listen, you need to pick between the two of us and we will move on from there. That is what has happened. Vicki can not have Brooks and the rest of her friends and family, so she needs to decide. I've said that a million times, but there it is again. Heather Dubrow got a part on Hot in Cleveland which I think of as less of a sitcom and more of a government assistance program for aging actresses without retirement plans. Heather has finally gotten her chance in the unemployment lottery and will be on the show. Good for her. I can't wait to see her tape her episode on her reality type television program. What I really don't like is this Heather and Terry's Bickering Theater nonsense that we keep getting invited to. It just doesn't seem genuine. It seems like she is getting mad at silly petty things that he said disingenuously to get a rise out of him. I get it, that's annoying, but we don't need to see them fight. Can't we just have one Hosuewives couple that gets along and is in a happy marriage. Actually we have a handful (Mario & Ramona and Mauricio & Kyle come to mind) but can we have another one? Can we have one on OC? Please. Thanks guys. OK, are you ready? It's now time to talk about Sweet Judy Blue Eyes. Now when you think of Lydia's mother, you don't think of a real actual human being, you think of the witch who sprinkled magic dust on a chicken carcass and brought it to life. Well, it turns out, Judy is just that. Judy lives in a place called the Land of the Bunnies, and there everything is happy and wonderful and everyone is in harmony with the earth. Everything is made out of jade crystals and everyone makes their living as turquoise jewelry salespeople on the sides of the road in New Mexico. Their bunnies don't hop and play in the meadow all day, they walk upright and tell you what to do. They are your lords and masters and they make sure that everyone is kind to nature and wears flowy outfits from the Stevie Nicks Collection for Chicos. Yes, Judy is sort of like Glenda the Good Witch if Glenda had a gravity bong set up in her bathtub. When she encounters a stranger, she needs to sprinkle them with her magic dust and say a little prayer so that they are in her world too. "Shimmer of hope. Shine of belief. Shock of humor," she says as the dust she keeps in a little magical jar rains down on everyone around her. Judy's other magical gift is that she can make money appear from nowhere. Yes, she is rich. She just has money to throw around like they're rainbows on a clear day in a field where the sun beats down on the grass and a handsome naked man with long hair approaches in slow motion through the wild flowers to lay you down on a hillside and suckle your various nectars. The problem is, Lydia does not like the Land of the Bunnies. She doesn't want her mother to live there and the two times that she has visited she has had to call her mother right away and have her come pick her up and rescue her and take her someplace real and cold and cynical. It is a church. Yes, Lydia lives in the House of the Lord and that seems diametrically opposed to where Judy has built her marshmallow palace. I guess it makes sense. We all rebel against our parents in many ways and the more extreme the parents usually the more extreme the rebellion. If your mom is essentially a Wiccan priestess that you would rebel by becoming a Puritan. The problem is Lydia is winning. She has lured her mother out of the Land of the Bunnies permanently. She told Judy that her babies (one of which has the Christian name "Maverick") are going to live the holy life of the church and no Priestess of the Bunnies is ever going to love and cuddle her spawn. So Judy has left the Bunnies behind and has gone to live in the real world with the rest of us. When we meet Judy, her color has faded and her wind in her hair has died down to something that leaves her locks languid. We see them shopping and we see them at lunch and you can tell, just tell, that Judy misses the bunnies, oh yes she does. She thinks about them with every stray thought and thinks about bringing them up at every lull in the conversation, but she does not. She lives the life of a sad exile. But as soon as lunch was over and Lydia drove away, Judy got in her car and she looked out on the sad parking lot in front of her. It was nothing but pavement and that green brown grass that is as brittle as overly-dyed hair. There were yellow lines and the haze of the hot afternoon making them flit a bit back and forth. She couldn't take it anymore. Judy had to go home. She took out her magic pipe and inhaled. This is the kind of pipe where you suck in instead of blowing out, and a little tune played. The world swirled around her and suddenly she was there, bright and relaxed and she saw the bunnies approaching the car. "Welcome back, Judy," a big one, called Britghtstar, said to her. He was brown with a white belly and blue eyes. "Would you like to come to a picnic?" he asked, opening her car door. He took her hand and she stepped out. Suddenly she was wearing a violet gown and there were streamers hanging from a floral crown around her head. Judy was so delighted to be back, so happy to get going to a picnic. The parking lot was gone and before her there was a sea of dandelions just all yellow and magical and all you could hear was the buzzing of invisible bees going about their work. Brightstar still had her hand and she started to wade through the weeds towards whatever lunch awaited her. She took several slow steps, getting her bearings in this world that she had left for months. "No," Brightstar said, stopping her for a moment. "Here we only skip." Follow Brian Moylan on Facebook and Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: Alexis Bellino Is Not Being Bullied'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: Everyone Hates Alexis Bellino'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: Meet Lydia McLaughlin From Our Partners:Watch Justin Bieber Attacked in Dubai (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)