Author

Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Dear PBS: Delaying 'Downton Abbey' Is Crazy
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 17, 2012
    During the Olympics, Americans were all freaking out that the games were airing live in London and that NBC wasn't carrying them in real time. We didn't think we could survive the until the prime time hours to find out the results of the events we cared the most about it. Remember all the outcry about spoilers and #NBCFail and how this should never happen in the age of the internet? Well, it's happening all over again, but this time we don't have to wait a mere five hours to see one of the most hotly anticipated events of the year, we have to wait months. The third season of every English major's favorite soap opera, Downton Abbey, premiered last night. No, not on it's American home on PBS, but on ITV, the channel in Britain that produces it. It was a huge smash (more than 8.5 million in the U.K., which is like American Idol numbers in a country of its size). But we're not going to hear anything about it, because PBS isn't going to start airing the third season (or "series" as those crazy Brits call it) until January. Yes, January. The "series" will have long wrapped by then, and we still haven't even seen even one of the Dowager Countess' witty rejoinder. Not only is that not fair, it's bad business. Most of us fans of the Crawleys, their servants, and the ever-shifting dynamics in their crusty little castle will wait for the show to air on PBS, avoiding British news outlets and Twitter outbursts from our friends across the pond on Sunday nights and Monday mornings so that we don't find out if Lady Mary is pregnant (it seems probable), Bates is exonerated (it seems unlikely), or O'Brien did something bitchy (it seems inevitable). Most of the record-breaking audience for the show will wait patiently, but the die hard fans, at least those with the technological savvy, have already watched the first episode thanks to illegal downloading. Yes, these content pirates are sailing the rocky seas of the internet and looking for their treasure. It's not that hard to find. This is why it is crazy for PBS to wait so long to air the show. And the same goes for American channels that twiddle their thumbs instead of shipping our favorite shows to our former colonial oppressors with the expedience Sir Walter Raleigh unloaded his tobacco crop. The most ardent fans (and the youngest ones that advertisers crave) won't play your game and they'll go off finding whatever way they can to watch their favorite show now! If you asked people to wait a day or a week to see new episodes, I bet people would do it — especially on PBS, which is free to all — but having to wait months in an on-demand culture is just asking too much, especially when we all know it's already out there. A show like Downton, that has a big audience but could get even bigger, could do well to link up with the British premiere. Think about how excited everyone would be if both the British and American press were flogging the premiere, revving up their recappers, and live tweeting each other into oblivion. This would be an international event, just like the Olympics. But, because of the lag time, PBS is losing viewers faster than Tomas the valet could swipe the house's best silver. These are the viewers who love the show so much that they would actually donate to PBS if they did a telethon before, after, or during its run. They don't even want the tote bag. Or, what PBS could do, is run a telethon and say, "We're not going to show you the second half of this episode until we have raised $5 million. Please call this number to resume viewing." It could be using this to make money, but, instead, they're squandering the opportunity. The same goes for HBO, which maintains a clamp-down on its content until well after it has aired. Check out this excellent essay about why one writer felt forced to pirate a season of Game of Thrones because he had no other access to it. I'm not saying piracy is right or fair. As a person who creates content for a living, I don't think anyone should feel entitled to read, listen to, or watch things for free. However in this changing technological world the old ways of delivering shows to the public that are clamoring for them and raising the most revenue from those shows is shifting. Not realizing that there is a shift or trying to stop it is futile. The industry needs to evolve and adapt it's going to meet the Darwinian fate of, well, the British colonial system. Downton Abbey isn't a problem, but a symptom. It is reminder that, in the age of the Internet, there aren't any more bags to put the cats in. It is time to change before the whole system comes crashing down around our ears. And if this wake up call gets us some Shirley MacLaine a little bit faster, then so the much better for all of us. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: PBS] More: TV Network Swap: What if 'Downton Abbey' Were on CBS? 'Downton Abbey' Dish: Season Three is Shirley vs. Maggie 'Downton Abbey' Season Three Trailer Is Full of Spoilers
  • Everything You Need to Know Before Watching NBC's Big Mystery 'Revolution'
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 17, 2012
    Over the next few months, we’ll see new series soar, old series sour, and so much Jersey Shore madness, we’ll want to shower. Let’s face it: The Fall TV season is intimidating. With dozens of new and returning shows hitting our small screens, we know we have some big choices to make. So, to help you determine what to watch, we’re digging deep into the most notable series premiering this season. Where did each show leave off? Where is it headed? And who should you watch it with? Next up is NBC's bit new mystery show Revolution. The Beatles told us you wanted it, so here it is. New Series: Revolution Premiere Date: Monday, September 17, at 10 PM on NBC Tag Line: "What happens when all the lights go out?" In the first scene, some crazy event happens that knocks out all forms of electricity on the planet Earth. Planes crash, cars die, and society goes absolutely berserk. There is only one scientist who knows what happens. Cut to 15 years after "the event," and the country has been divided into tiny hamlets that are ruled by regional warlords. One of them kills the one scientist, who sends his daughter Charlie off on a quest to find his brother and, hopefully, turn the power back on. Famous Pedigree: JJ Abrams is a producer. Failed Advertising Slogans: "Revolution is electrifying." "When there is no power there is still great responsibility." "It keeps going and going and going..." You’d Like It If…: You think that Terra Nova was cancelled too soon, that Lost was the best show ever on television, that the only problem with The Walking Dead is all the zombies, and that the Unabomber actually had some good points. You’ll Hate It If…: You like all your questions answered at the end of the hour, happy endings, and doing your hair with a curling iron. Hollywood Trend Watch: Just like Katniss Everdeen, the Avenger Hawkeye, and Daryl on The Walking Dead, everyone uses bows and arrows. Apparently guns use electricity. Really? Are you sure? Character to Love: Giancarlo Esposito, who chilled hearts as drug lord Gus Fring on Breaking Bad isn't breaking his bad reputation. He plays Capt. Tom Neville, a militia leader with a mean streak and a few secrets. Character to Hate: It's a tie between Graham Rogers' Danny, a ne'er-do-well son of the famous scientist who seems like he's going to be getting into a lot of silly Kim Bauer-from-24 scrapes. Cue the mountain lion. His rival is Zak Orth's Aaron, who is like Hurley from Lost, an overweight billionaire who is just along to provide the necessary comic relief and inspirational aphorisms at key moments. Get a real character, Dude. Character That Will Most Remind You of a Twilight Character: I don't know if it's the buff body or the simmering stares, but JD Pardo's Nate is basically Taylor Lautner's Jacob with a, you guessed it, bow and arrow. Famous Faces: Elizabeth Mitchell, from Lost, joins the cast in episode two when she was recast to play the famous scientist's second wife and Danny's and his bratty sister Charlie's (yes, that's a girl) evil stepmother. Well, at least that's what they think. Setting: It starts off in a small town, but soon the action travels to Chicago, which is still a big city, but one that looks more like Deadwood than Tron. Also, there are trees growing on all the buildings. That's how you know the power is still out. Danny also ends up on a farm. Maybe if we're lucky, he'll buy it. Oh, and it's in the future. Did I mention that? What You're Most Like to Yell at the Screen: "Why aren't you using guns?! Guns don't use electricity!" DIY Revolution: It's pretty easy to recreate this show in your very own home. Just go into the basement, shut off the power, and then sit in the darkness. For added effect, you can get your neighbors to chase you around while shooting arrows. High Point: The surprising ending. No, I'm not going to tell you what happens. This isn't the spoiler page. Low Point: The groan-worthy death scene of our famous scientist. It's like the cartoon version of a gasping man dying in the street with just one more secret he needs to get out before he expires. If You Love This Show, You'll Love...: Ashrams, Mennonites, archery. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: NBC] More: First Look at 'Revolution' From Star Tracy Spiridakos 'Revolution' Gives a Supercharged Story with Half-Powered Characters NBC's 'Revolution': Could This Epic Fill the ‘LOST’ Void?
  • 'Big Brother' Recap: A Snooze Down Memory Lane
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 17, 2012
    Last night we saw one houseguest get evicted for violence, multiple houseguests get in fights with each other, a funeral, a date, a woman who can't cry, and several stunning evictions. Sounds like the most exciting night of Big Brother yet, right? Wrong! It was the worst — it was the damn clip show. You know what I'm talking about: It was the annual episode in which the producers make the houseguests sit around and talk about the highlights of the season so they can air some dusty old footage and take us through the summer with a good dose of instant nostalgia. There are a bunch of problems with this. First, we've seen this all before. No one is flicking on the second to last episode of Big Brother and thinking, "Wow, I really want to know what is going on with this and wish someone would walk me through the events of this summer." No, that never happens. So, for all of us committed viewers, it's boring. And the commercials advertise never-before-seen footage to entice us. What did we get? We saw Britney beat up a teddy bear, Britney give Shanielle a hilarious counseling session, and, well, that's about it. Of course, there might have been more but football cut into the broadcast again and my DVR didn't tape the show on after it, so I missed the last 10 minutes. (Based on the promos during the show, the three remaining houseguests had to hang onto vines while they were dropped into water and then flung against a wall. Sounds like a classic final BB challenge, and one that Ian, thankfully, should win.) The other problem with this show is that it all seems so canned. People often accuse the producers of BB of manipulating the game and, duh, of course they do. But there is something about this episode in particular that is so fake, like the houseguests, for once, aren't having a discussion in their own voices, like someone schooled them on the talking points. Then they seem like the cast of Punky Brewster walking us all through a preview of what Saturday Morning cartoons the network has lined up for us this season. Remember those? Those were awesome. This is not. Can't we just do away with the clip so for good? All sorts of shows try to pull this stunt every season (Survivor, America's Next Top Model, The Real Housewives of Hoboken's Pre-Reunion Special) and I think it's kind of insulting. It's a cheap and easy way for networks to fill up an hour of TV and rope in the suckers who just want to relive a good fight and are too lazy to search for it on YouTube like the rest of us. And BB tapes every houseguest every moment of every day. Didn't they have something new and original to unearth? Or what about a behind-the-scenes special (like they do with Deadliest Catch) so we can see how they put up the games in the courtyard, how they actually make the slop, and just who has to go in and pick up Willie's dirty drawers when he gets booted for headbutting a southern-fried simpleton. Come on, Big Brother, we know you're better than this. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] More: 'Big Brother' Recap: O Captain, My (God!) Captain! 'Big Brother' Recap: Holy Double Eviction, Batman! 'Big Brother' Recap: The End Is Near
  • Videos Games That Really Need to Be Made Into Movies
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 15, 2012
    This weekend plenty of people will be flocking like zombies to go see Resident Evil: Retribution, a movie that is kind of based on a video game. That got me thinking, why aren't there more blockbusters based on video games? Sure, there is the occasional Max Payne and Prince of Persian: Sands of Time, but I'm talking about non duds here. Video games are a billion dollar industry (yes, that is billion with a B, just like "bucks") and the only thing that Hollywood loves more than Tom Cruise is making money (and it only loves Tom Cruise because he makes money). So why haven't they tapped into this? Some of it is the impossibility of turning a game like Halo into a multi-million dollar film (even with a pedigreed director like Peter Jackson) and some of it might be the lack of creative direction. I can't really turn myself into Peter Jackson (though I would like access to his bank account), I can give plenty of creative direction. Here are some simple suggestions for how Hollywood can capitalize on video games. Ms. Pac-Man: It's a year after her divorce from Mr. Pac-Man and Ms. (cause she's nasty) is hitting the streets of the big city to find love. It's hard out there when she has an addiction for designer clothes, hot night spots, and power pellets, but she has her four best sister friends to help her through. If only she can be done being chased by her demons (or ghosts) from her past relationship and find a way to devour them for good. Tetris: IMAX 3D: Yes, it's just shapes and colors but they are flying right at your face and they are bigger than a taxi cab! Holy crap. That one just missed your nose. Angry Birds: An animated family film about the various and assorted foul and the fowl moods that try to free the hogs by using their special talents. They learn they have to stop being so mad and band together in order to accomplish their goals. Please, this already has to be happening, right?Oh, girl!" That would be pretty awesome. The Legend of Zelda: Sure, The Hobbit is going to be in theaters later this year, but we haven't had a good elven adventure in a long time. We should probably call this Link and have it be about a dungeon-dwelling sharp shooter (with arrows, of course, because archery is really hot right now because of The Hunger Games' Katniss Everdeen) who is trying to save his girlfriend from an evil dragon and restore order to the kingdom. This could be sprightly Joseph Gordon-Levitt's first big tent pole. Pong: This is more of an indie art piece. It is about a ball. It goes back and forth. And back. And forth. And back. And forth. And back. And forth. And back. And... You get the picture. Follow Brian on Twitter @BrianJMoylan. More:'Wreck-It Ralph': Video Game Nirvana Just in Time for 'E3''Assassin's Creed' Video Game Being Developed as a Movie Rovio Launches An 'Angry Birds' Movie
  • Just What Are the 'Revenge' Characters Thinking in These Crazy Pics?
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 14, 2012
    Every show on television rounds up its cast every year and takes a bunch of press photos for the coming season. They are often bland glamor shots, or ridiculous poses of sitcom stars hovering under the same umbrella (think the classic Seinfeld shot). The ones for the second season of Revenge are a little bit different. With all of the characters in sexy outfits, the photos look like they were shot in a haunted house right before a series of murders was about to take place. Everyone is really moody. They're moping in chairs and staring off into the distance like at any minute a ghost is going to pop out and chase them around the mansion until a dog jumps on top of it and rips off its mask. This all seems quite fitting for Revenge, though drastically different from the sunny beach photos from last season. Still, I was wondering what was going through the characters' minds while posing for these portraits. With a little telepathy, I figured it out. Next: "But how do my abs look?"
  • Which Action Movie Should You See This Fall?
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 14, 2012
    No one can go see every movie. What are we? Movie reviewers? No, sadly, we are not. We have to pick and choose which movie we're going to give our $14 at the multiplex. It's a very difficult decision indeed. You watch trailers, do research, follow your favorite stars. Well, no more! Leave the work to me. I broke down all the action movies that are coming out between now and Christmas — which personality types should go see each movie? Just find yourself on the list and the choice has already been made. Now you can go back to Etsy and continue searching for a homemade Halloween costume. You're welcome. Resident Evil: Retribution Release Date: R Rating: Sept. 14 You should see it if…: You know that Umbrella isn't just something you should use in the rain. If you can spell Milla Jovovich without having to Google it, but did have to use Dictionary.com to figure out what "retribution" is. You have a tattoo of a sports team somewhere on your body. You like boobs. Dredd Release Date: Sept. 21Rating: RYou should see it if…: You were the only kid in your small town that had decent taste in movies, but when you got to college and all of the other film majors liked the same things, you panicked. You needed to find a way to distance yourself. So you started liking really bad, critically panned action flicks, and now you argue with everyone you know that they're actually really good. They just don't get it. Also, you secretly still love The Fifth Element, and your tickets for next year's Comic-Con are already booked.  Movie: Taken 2 Release Date: PG-13 Rating: Oct. 5 You should see it if…: You are a middle-aged lady who has read 50 Shades of Grey more than once and wishes that your husband would spend more time catering to your needs as he did drafting his fantasy football league. If you don't think that Taken 2 puns (like "Liam Neeson got Taken 2 school by that villain") are very funny. If you ever said, "Release the Cracken" before undoing your pants. Alex Cross Release Date: Oct. 19 Rating: R You should see it if…: There wasn't enough shirtless Matthew Fox for you on Lost. You don't like to tell anyone that you DVR every iteration of NCIS. You always wanted to see a Tyler Perry movie whose title didn't start with Tyler Perry's.... You once stood a girl up on a date just because your friends dared you too. People think you're creepy. The Man with the Iron Fists Release Date: Nov. 2 Rating: NR You should see it if…: You once dressed up as The Bride from Kill Bill for Halloween. You told your girlfriend you threw out all of your Wu-Tang branded clothing, but you still have one hoodie that you wear on weekends when she's not around. You sometimes wonder why there aren't more brothels. You sometimes spend hours watching people fight on the subway on YouTube. You like sandwiches...and boobs. Skyfall Release Date: Nov. 9 Rating: NR You should see it if…: Are an alive breathing person with a pulse and a set of eyes. You have found yourself sitting at your desk drinking a Diet Coke and wishing Daniel Craig would just walk into your office wearing that blue Speedo, pick you up in his arms, and carry you off to a hotel room somewhere. When you're alone in the car, you pretend that you're driving an automatic and make revving sounds as you pretend to careen through traffic. You know who f&%*@#g James Bond is. Red Dawn Release Date: Nov. 28 Rating: NR You should see it if…: You watch every show on The History Channel. You're not sure what the difference between North and South Korea is, but you sure think that Kim Jong-Il is really funny on South Park. You thought the only thing missing from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was a bit more realism. You wonder why there isn't a "Knowing Is Half the Battle" T-shirt in your size. You really miss River Raid.
  • The First-Ever (Fake) Annual Reality TV Emmy Awards
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 14, 2012
    The Emmys are scared of reality television. There, I just had to get that out there. There is a wide, varied world of reality television available but the Emmys only have three measly categories for reality programming, and one of them has been dominated by The Amazing Race ever since it was created (give or take a bone thrown to Top Chef). Your 800 channels are absolutely littered with reality shows of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. Everything from Jersey Shore to Deadliest Catch, Keeping up with the Kardashians to The Biggest Loser, Hoarders to Hoarding: Buried Alive to Confessions: Animal Hoarding. See what I'm talking about? There is a ton out there! That's why I decided that, since the Academy of Television Arts and Silliness won't make up an awards show just for reality TV programming I thought I would do it for them. Below are some categories and potential nominees. Who do you think should win? Best Competitive Reality Show, Non-Professional, Non-Singing Big Brother Survivor Glass House Celebrity Apprentice Dancing with the Stars American Ninja Warrior The Bachelor Best Professional Competition Top Chef America's Next Top Model Project Runway Face-Off RuPaul's Drag Race So You Think You Can Dance Best Singing Competition American Idol The X-Factor Duets The Voice The Glee Project The Sing Off Best Professional Documentary, Tough Deadliest Catch Ice Road Truckers Pawn Stars Cops Bering Sea Gold Dirty Jobs Best Professional Documentary, Non-Tough Ceaser Milan: Dog Whisperer Storage Wars DC Cupcake Tabatha Takes Over Undercover Boss Gigolos Best Celebrity Documentary, Non-Kardashian Coco's World Braxton Family Values Joan & Melissa: Joan Knows Best TI & Tiny: The Family Hustle Married to Jonas Guiliana & Bill Best Celebrity Documentary, Kardashian Keeping Up with the Kardashians Khloe & Lamar Kourtney & Kim Take New York Dancing with the Stars Best Women Fighting Show Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Real Housewives of Atlanta Bad Girls Club Mob Wives Basketball Wives The View Best Real Life Documentary, Rural Swamp People Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Teen Mom Small Town Security 19 Kids and Counting My Big, Fat American Gypsy Wedding Best Real Life Documentary, Urban Jersey Shore Shahs of Sunset The Real World Gallery Girls Push Girls Best Make Over Show The Biggest Loser Made My Fair Wedding What Not to Wear Property Brothers Best Real Estate Porn House Hunters Million Dollar Listing Selling New York Flipping Out Best Hoarding Show Hoarders Hoarding: Buried Alive Confessions: Animal Hoarding Most Tolerable Exploitation of Psychological Disorders Intervention Hoarders My Strange Addiction Extreme Couponing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Best Villain, Male Colton Combie, Survivor Willie Hantz, Big Brother Jeff Lewis, Flipping Out Simon Cowell, The X-Factor The Situation, The Bachelor Dave Hester, Storage Wars Best Villain, Female Courtney Robinson, The Bachelor NeNe Leakes, Real Housewives of Atlanta Abby Lee Miller, Dance Moms Aubrey O'Day, Celebrity Apprentice Ramona Singer, Real Housewives of New York Drita D'Avanzo, Mob Wives Best Hero, Female Rachel Trueheart, Bachelor Pad Britney Haynes, Big Brother Caroline Manzo, Real Housewives of New Jersey Stacey London, What Not to Wear Khloe Kardashian, Every Show on E! Big Ang, Mob Wives Best Reality Television Program Recapper Brian Moylan Check back in the day of the 2012 Emmys to see who wins! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 2012 Emmy Longshots: Great American Tragedy 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' 2012 Emmy Awards: Who Will Win and Who Should Win at the Emmys What Jimmy Kimmel Can Learn From Past Emmy Hosts
  • 'Real Housewives of Miami' Returns Better and Badder Than Ever
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 14, 2012
    The first season of Bravo's Real Housewives of Miami was like a flower in the lush Everglades. It was pretty to look at, just like every other flower in the known universe, but when you got close, there was no scent. It just didn't smell. It didn't stink, but it didn't have any enchanting perfume either. It was just a blossom, sitting there in the middle of the forest not doing anything, being boring. Bravo should have cancelled it. Really, they should have. But no, that Bravo is smarter than all of us. It retooled the formula, got some new ladies in there and then showed us the flower again. This time, when we went to go look at it and got our nose just close enough to the pistol and stamen, the flower came alive, opened it's great maw, and swallowed us whole. Yes, Andy Cohen and Co. finally gave this thing some teeth, something worth watching, something that is totally consuming and will consume you. Now I don't think I'm going to be recapping this mess (though I may not be able to stop myself) because I'm worried that the first episode won't replicate how good the rest of the season is and I don't want to get stuck writing every week about that boring old orchid blossom. Also, starting in October Thursday night is Jersey Shore territory, but, man, it seems like we're going to be in for quite the ride. Let's look at the cast of new and returning Housewives and judge everyone a little bit, shall we? I mean, this exercise is completely worthless unless we can judge everyone a little bit. We start the show with Marysol Patton and her mother Elsa going jewelry shopping. This really serves no purpose other than to tell us that Marysol and her husband are now separated and to remind us Marysol is only on this show because of her mother. Her mother looks like a blown out birthday cake candle that is all melted up at the top and covered with some sticky frosting down at the bottom. She talks about the plastic surgeon who ruined her face, so at least she acknowledges that she looks there is a giant blob of mud on her neck. I shouldn't be so mean to Mama Elsa, because she is hilarious and wise and some sort of psychic wizard. "You'll be surprised what destiny has in store for you," she tells her daughter at the jewelry store. "I see women. I see lots of women in skimpy clothes and Roman sleeves. I see women with plastic surgery and limp plumping gloss. I see high heels and Versace prints. Oh, and yelling. Lots of yelling and false accusations. There is a slap, and a flying glass, and the sound of a million monkeys caught in a tornado. This is what I see in your future. Lots of gossip and fighting women and a trip to New York to sweat next to a Jewish gay in a small television studio in Soho while he tells you to plead the fifth. This is what I see in your future. I am psychic." Then she runs home and replenishes her energy by feeling around in a big silver buffet tray full of kitty litter that is speckled with feathers and jewels and dice and the head of a live chicken and the earthly remains of Larsa Pippen. And the souls coalesce around her, their specters of a million shrieking harpies eddying about her in a spiral of spirits, like wrapping her up like a mummy covered in smoke and when she inhales they all go down her mouth, like so much smoke from a hookah and she stammers backwards, trips over her tiny dog (who had been hiding in the closet for three days) and falls onto her fainting couch. This what happens with Momma Elsa. Now we fly over to meet new housewife Ana. Oh, this is a delicious morsel, this Ana. She is just the kind of complicated mess that fuels the engines of a million reality television program recaps. She is a middle aged Cuban lawyer who loves to cook and has two teenaged brats that like to make fun of her. Well, all teenage daughters like to make fun of their mothers, that is just the way the world works. That is just Persephone plucking the pomegranate in the orchards of the underworld and tossing it at her mother. That is the universe. What makes Ana so delicious is that she has a soon-to-be-ex-husband named Robert. They have been separated for years and she says they're "friends," but she spits the words out like a bit of chew juice hitting a spittoon and making a brassy ding. "Yes, we're (deep swallow) friends and he comes over all the time for dinner and he has his own girlfriend and it's just (deep swall) great." I'm sorry, but she does not seem OK with it. She seems like she doesn't want to divorce him and keeps him around so that she can continue to control him, hold on to that little morsel of company that is left before her daughters move away and she's shuffling along that big, airy house of hers wearing printed caftans and taking swigs of white wine right of the bottle. Oh, and get this, she works with Robert too. They're both lawyers together. This lady is giving me red flags all over the place. Next up is Karent, a woman whose name is infested with the cancer of an extra consonant. Yes, that T is just dangling off the end of her name like a malignant tumor. KarenT is from Columbia. No, not the university, the country. She used to be in beauty pageants and she used the scholarship money to become a dentist, a profession that is about as glamorous as podiatry, chiropracty, and waste management. KarenT lives with her parents, because she says it is normal for women in Latin cultures to live with their parents until they get married. Oh, that's so cute. Sorry, Karent, but you're not 25 anymore and waiting to start a family of your own. This is sort of like still wearing a promise ring to your 25th high school reunion. It is like having a crush on David Cassidy when you're peri-menopausal. Just admit that you are a middle aged woman who supports your parents, that's cool; admirable, infact. But don't use it like Botox. It's not making anyone think you're younger. The only really interesting thing about KarenT is she is dating someone named Rudolpho, who is a telenovela star (I wonder if he knows ¡Que Viva! from Housewives New York). Rudolpho, I can tell, is smarmy and there is some drama going on with him and Ana and texting. I'm sorry, but middle-aged ladies should not be having drama about whose boyfriend is texting whom and whether or not their relationship is real. That is some Pretty Little Liars level shit. Next up is returning Housewife Lea Black. She is sort of like Pig Pen from the Charlie Brown comics, but instead of dirt swirling around her it is noise. She is like one of those annoying sirens that they set off at random intervals at cheesy dance clubs. She is like a bag full of hoots, cackles, screams, and other various and assorted noises. She is also one of those people who says something totally awful and vapid and then punctuates it with a hoot and a holler so that you think she's joking. She is not joking. Whatever awful thing she just said she means. "Oh, this house was built in the '70s. It is so old. HONK CACKLE!! HAHA!" No, she means it. "This woman seems very nice, I'm just not used to skanks at my charity event. HONK CACKLE!! HAHA!" No, she just called you a skank to your face. Lea Black bought a house on Star Island, which is where Diddy, Rosie O'Donnell, and Gloria Estefan and other celebs live. She wants to tear the whole house down and rebuild. Sorry, Lea, that is not the problem. The problem is that you have a pool in your back yard that is shaped like a giant penis. That might be the first thing you wanna fix, maybe. Just maybe. Unless you wanna live in the Hacienda De Dick. Next door to Lea is Rosie O'Donnell's Craft Center and Lesbian Orphanage. Next to that lives Lisa, who is married to the Boob King of Miami. He sounds like the kind of plastic surgeon who advertises on the sides of buses and takes most major credit cards. But, hey, he can afford a house on Star Island the we're trying to scrounge together couch change to pay the burrito delivery guy as he waits there impatiently in the door. Good for you, Lisa's husband. Lisa is the kind of girl who takes all her awful qualities and "owns them," as if that makes them better. Yes, she is proud to be vain, materialistic, awful, and bitchy. She is the kind of person who would refer to herself as a "diva" and not realize that there is some irony that can be wrung out of that statement. She is the kind of woman who asks her husband to bring home Botox because there is a tiny part of her face that has become mobile. She is the kind of woman who is training her maid, Daysy, so that she can have plastic surgery like she's a real life contestant on The Swan. She is the kind of woman who, at the end of a workout, offers Daysy a drink, even though she knows she is in AA. She is the kind of blithe awfulness that this franchise was built on since the beginning. Next up is Joanna Krupa, who is meant to be the star of this here show. She is actually quite a "get" for Bravo, considering she is a real actual model, not a "model" like the rest of the Housewives who claim they are models and just have some awful pics and a Model Mayhem page. She is like Victoria's Secret for real and was on Dancing with the Stars and is legit. She also has the best Real Housewives tagline of all time: "I'm a model, just not always a model citizen." We didn't see much of her other than the fact that she threw a temper tantrum because she wasn't going to be on the cover of a magazine and the editors tricked her. I can't really bitch about that. This is sort of a real argument. I don't know why she is calling up and screaming at her agent about how many covers she's had over the years. This is a fact the manager knows. You don't need to shout it at her, Joanna. Have her shout at the editors, don't misplace your anger. Joanna has a hunky boyfriend named Romain who is the heir to the lettuce fortune and has a nightclub that is named Mint, which is possibly the worst name of a nightclub ever. He should just call it The Douche Hut, book Skrillex, and call it a day. Who we really need to talk about is Marta, Joanna's sister who lives with her and Romain and does not get along with her sister's boyfriend. (Fiance? Whatever.) If I were writing a novel based on this show, the main character would be Marta. She is the not-as-cute younger sister of a famous beautiful person. Every one of her words drips with jealousy. She is also kind of a mess, going out to clubs and making out with dudes and not going home to wash her face and just showing up at her day job (as her sister's assistant!) in last night's makeup. She is just sad and complex and devious and just a little bit of all of us. I love Marta. I want to go with her to Mint and watch her get shitfaced and make out with some guy named Jose who she thinks is rich because his watch weighs more than her sister. Who is left? Oh Adrianna. Do we have to talk about her? I would rather not. She is sort of a like a Brazilian Blowout come to life. She is the kind of woman who dates the villain on Miami Vice and he wants her to live on his yacht and she says she will only if there is a walk-in closet and room for her baby grand piano. Why do you need a piano on a boat? Do you remember how that turned out in The Piano? Yeah, not good. Adrianna, like Lisa, is just sort of blithely awful. That was fine last season when she was the only one (both Larsa and Christie, who are not on the show anymore, were awful in their own special ways) but now she has to fight against Lisa for the "I'm so vain and I think it's cute" slot. That is the worst slot. Someone should blow that slot up forever. After we meet everyone they all get together at a party and Lea snubs Lisa so that she can talk to Mama Elsa, who wasn't psychic enough to know she would pass out at the party. Also, KarenT and Ana and Rudolpho had some sort of epic kiss kiss scare down like they were living in a telenovela. There was some fight with Romain and Marta over text and, wow, there are a lot of people on this show. This thing is packed. Not only are there more Housewives than any other city, but there is also Alexia, an original Housewife who is only around part time because she is caring for her son, who was in a bad car crash. Then each housewife has a friend or a sister or a boyfriend or a mother or two parents or a missing dog or something else. This thing is as sprawling as a western city, pockmarked with strip malls and sadness. It's gonna be a really crazy year. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Bravo] More: 'RHOM' Star Marysol Patton On Mother Elsa's Special Talent Real Housewives in Real Life: A Chat About 'The Queen of Versailles' 'The Real Housewives of Miami' Recap: Revenge on a Farm
  • Everyone Is Now Only Two Degrees of Separation Away from Kevin Bacon
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 13, 2012
    I know you've sat around a bar and played the old "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" game where you prove how every actor is somehow connected to Kevin Bacon based on their costars. Well, Google is now here to help. Go to search site (or just to that little bar that is probably at the top of this browser with the little G logo in it) and punch in any actors name followed by "Bacon Number". How handy! The problem is practically every actor you can think of is two degrees away from Kevin Bacon. Well, Mr. Bacon himself is a zero (I mean that literally, not figuratively) and anyone who has been in a movie with him (Denise Richards, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kevin Costner, Meryl Streep, Tom Hanks) is a 1, but everyone else you can think of is only two degrees away. Check all these out. So far the only times I've managed to get someone with a Bacon Number higher than 2 is by going with someone who is really old (Al Jolson, Humphrey Bogart, Shirley Temple) or someone who hasn't been in very many movies (Terrence Malick). All of those people earned a 3. The only time I've found someone with a 4 was Justin Bieber, someone who is not even an actor at all. Thanks, Google, for downgrading this to the "Two or Maybe One Degree of Kevin Bacon" game. But now we have a new game. It's the "Who Is More Than Two Degrees Away from Kevin Bacon?" game. Let us know if you can stump Google's joy-killing engine. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Paramount Pictures] More: Kevin Bacon Continues His Evil Streak with 'R.I.P.D.' Kevin Bacon Teams with 'Vampire Diaries' EP for New Fox Series Kevin Bacon Uses 'Six Degrees' to Crusade for the Environment
  • 'The Voice' Shockingly Defeats 'The X-Factor' in the Ratings
    By: Brian Moylan Sep 13, 2012
    Roe Vs. Wade, Godzilla Vs. Mothra, Coke Vs. Pepsi, Britney Vs. Christina: these are the great rivalries of our day and one was finally decided last night when Britney Spears made her debut on Fox's The X Factor and Christina Aguilera continued to show off her voluptuousness on NBC's The Voice. Yes, it was "Genie in a Bottle" and "...Baby One More Time" all over again, except it was on your TV, it was in prime time, there was no awkward punctuation, and everyone was about 20 pounds heavier. Well, Christina pulled out an underdog victory when The Voice beat The X-Factor when the programs went head to head at 8 PM. According to TV Guide 10.7 million viewers watched Christina and Co. swivel around in their chairs while only 7.5 million were curious about how much of a mess Britney would be. Boom! We have a winner. Maybe it's because it turned out that Britney wasn't much of a mess at all. But that is only when both shows were on together. Since The X Factor was on for two hours, the show averaged 8.5 million over its whole run (which is still shy of The Voice's number). That is down significantly from the 12.1 million who watched the show's debut last September. Still both shows tied with a 3.3 rating in the 18-to-49 demographic that advertisers crave. There are are still a lot of episodes left in the season for both of these shows (and honestly the chair flipping on The Voice is usually more exciting than what comes later, where the opposite is true of The X Factor) but it looks like the Britney Spears curiosity factor has proved to be a non-starter. We can't wait to see who wins the next round. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan[Photo Credit: AP Photo] More: 'The Voice' Recap: Domo Arigato 'X Factor' Premiere: It's Britney, [And She's Kind Of A] Bitch 'The Voice' Shows 'X Factor' Some Teeth: Why It's All About Britney