Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • VH1 Cancels Chad Ochocinco and Evelyn Lozada's Reality Show After Abuse Allegations 
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 13, 2012
    Just a day after football player and Dancing with the Stars participant Chad Ochocinco was arrested for domestic violence for allegedly headbutting his wife, Basketball Wives siren Evelyn Lozada, the Miami Dolphins canceled his contract. Now VH1 is follow suit and pulling the plug on Ev & Ocho, the couple's new reality show. The network has 11 episodes and a two-part finale (God, I hate those) about the couple's engagement and wedding all ready to go, and planned on rolling it out on September 3. Now, according to TMZ, the series got the axe and VH1 has no plans to ever air it. That headbutt is costing the network a whole lot of money. Better that, though, than all the bad press they'd get for showing this thing after the abuse allegations. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit:] More: Chad Ochocinco Thrown in Jail for Allegedly 'Headbutting' Wife Evelyn Lozada
  • 'Big Brother' Recap: You Bought a Lemon
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 13, 2012
    There are a few things you can expect every season on Big Brother: the unexpected (duh), an awful showmance, the pre-programmed instructions from The Chenbot 3000, and a challenge that involves humping. Big Brother has the sense of humor of an 8 year-old, which is why it loves dressing people up in funny costumes, anything involving bodily funcitons, and the humping challenge where it comes up with some intricate way to get people bobbing up and down on each other so we can see them simulating sex and they don't even know it. Ha ha, housemates, the joke is on you. This year it was a have-have not challenge where everyone had to dress up like a lemon or a lime (it was like a bottle of Sprite up in that backyard) and sop up all this yellow water and then drip it into a grate to fill up a bunch of barrels. This is an old concept, but it's one that keeps coming back because the housemates pile on top of each other like a game of naked Twister at a sorority house and rub and thrust and otherwise massage each other. Danielle had to stop in the middle of getting pummeled by Jenn to scream about a lesbian attack. Ian got a little too excited by the challenge because at first he thought it was Ashley rubbing all over him and then he realized it was Frank massaging his body with his own and then he was really too excited. Running and sopping, dropping and humping. There was even Shane thrusting the ground by himself like he could seed the earth with his own well-muscled spunk. Har har har. Oh, Big Brother. You so funny! And the competition was kind of spoiled because during the interviews about it, we know that Britney and Danielle already lost because their hair looked a mess. Like worse than Wig's. It was Have Not Hair. Shane and Jenn and and Joe lost too. Sad trombone. Speaking of Joe, I'm seriously worried that this guy is going to have a heart attack. First he was lying in bed trying to get his heart to slow down. He was so upset that he couldn't even talk about food. That's like Boogie not being willing to talk about how great he is, or Wig not wanting to transform his hair into some sort of absurd contraption. Then he was just lying in the lemonade pool like a kid who wet the bed and didn't want to get up to tell mommy. He just couldn't do anything at all. Then there is all that red-faced yelling in the diary room. He makes veteran DR shouter Dan look like he's whispering like a church mouse with his neck-bulging, high-volume proclamations. Seriously, Joe, you need some Lipitor or something. That ticker is just going to give out like Danielle after winning a challenge. Oh, that's "put out." Sorry got my idioms confused. And she's ready to put out for Shane, challenge or no. She's all upset because he's kissed her twice in public but won't make a move in private. She thinks it's because he's a gentleman, but we know the real reason. It's because he's seen her without makeup where she looks like that little girl who crawls up from the bottom of the well in The Ring. Would you want to bump uglies with that? But all the boys in the house are horny. Frank had a sex dream about JoJo, of all people, and Shane and Ian sit around and talk to Frank about Kara and how they wished they hadn't kicked her out all those weeks ago so she'd still be around to ogle. They carry on and on, sounding like a letter in Penthouse Forum until Ian has to go lay on his side under a blanket for about four and a half minutes having "private time" while the covers move just a little bit around his midsection. Alright, now it's time for game talk. Wait. "Who wants to see my HoH room?" No one! No one wants to see your HoH room. No one wants to see anyone's HoH room. Not the viewers, not the contestants, no one. We don't want to look at your nerdy NASA hat, drool over your bags of Skittles, or look at some pictures of your family and the person you're dating. We don't want to hear a vaguely encouraging letter from your family. We don't want to do any of that. None of us are interested. Sure, it's a big deal for the person in the room, let them enjoy it alone (or invite along their showmance partner who can feign interest long enough to keep their little love fest going). We don't care. No one wants to see your HoH room. OK, game. For realsies this time. So, Frank wants to nominate Joe and Dan. It is a good idea to put up Joe, even though I'm afraid his little mashed potato-clogged heart couldn't take it. But Dan? Oh, that's a really, really, really bad idea, as Boogie puts out. Boogie says that no one in the house would trust them again. Well, no one really trusts them that much right now, so yeah, it's not that far to the bottom. But numbers wise it doesn't make sense. Even if they end up kicking Dan out, everyone playing with him – Shane, Britney, and Danielle – as well as everyone who is already out to get them – Wig, Joe, Ashely, Jenn (if you can even count the last two as players) – would nominate them when they win HoH in the future. It's just bad math. You at least have to stay in good graces a bit longer with a majority of the house and putting up Dan or back-dooring him will rip apart the Silent Six before they even get rid of another player. The other option is to put up Joe and Wig, which makes sense, since they're Janelle's players and Wig has punishably offensive hair, so no one would begrudge them that. Wig goes up to talk to Boogs (who has the dunking ability of a Sumo wrestler with butter fingers) and Frank and says something that pisses them off. I'm not sure what, but they decide they're going after Wig. It's not the worst plan. From Zingbot: "Frank, now that you are targeting Wil for elimination this week, how will you keep the focus away from your own awful hair. ZIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGG!" Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] More: 'Big Brother' Recap: Bizarro World 'Big Brother' Recap: Silent, But Deadly 'Big Brother' Recap: Good Ship and Lollipops
  • These Olympic Celebrations Might Have Gotten a Little Out of Hand
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 10, 2012
    Every night on (the wildly tape-delayed) NBC, we've watched Olympic athletes slap the water or take their victory lap around the track wrapped in an American flag after they've broken a world record. These are the very public celebrations.  But what about what happens after they leave the arena? Oh, the party doesn't stop! It seems like Chinawhite nightclub in London has been ground zero for overzealous Olympic enthusiasm in London (or at least ground zero for paparazzi snapping pics of our new heroes on the way home from a long night of partying). And there was plenty of it. Like, Mardi Gras levels of revelry. It got so bad that Belgian Gijs van Hoecke (seen here) was sent home for making a public display of himself. Here are some of the craziest pictures of Olympians leaving the clubs. I'm not saying they're drunk, but it sure looks like they sang a few verses of "Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots." Ah, who cares? If anyone has earned it, it's them.   Excessive Olympics Celebration: Launch the Gallery! More: The Skimpiest Outfits of the Olympics How to Create an Olympic Superstar Win a Gold Medal in Meme With These LOLympics!
  • Keira Knightley Joins Chris Pine in 'Jack Ryan'
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 10, 2012
    Well, it looks like Keira Knightley didn't quite die at the end of Seeking a Friend for the End of the World because she's back with another movie role. According to the Hollywood Reporter she signed on to Paramount's Jack Ryan with Chris Pine as her costar. I don't blame you, sister. I wouldn't mind barking up that tree myself! Knightley was chosen by director Kenneth Branaugh over Lost-ie Evengeline Lilly and Felicity Jones (yeah, I had to IMDb her too) to star in this hopeful franchise. What isn't a hopeful franchise these days? The movie is about a Jack Ryan (duh) an ex-military type living in Moscow who uncovers a plot to destroy the U.S. economy. Um, didn't the banks already try to do that for themselves? Anyway, he must save the country and his wife (Knightley) before he is killed by evil baddies. Is this Jack Ryan or Jack Bauer, the long-awaited 24 movie? If you don't remember, Jack Ryan is the hero from the Tom Clancy novels who has been played by a punch of different people including Alec Baldwin (when he was skinny), Harrison Ford (when he was young), and Ben Affleck (when he was Bennifer). He's like James Bond except American. And, you know, not as successful. Maybe his luck is about to change! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: Daily Celeb] More: 'Jack Ryan' Needs a Girlfriend: The 3 Actresses Vying for His Affection David Koepp Rewriting Paramount's Jack Ryan Reboot Paramount, Sam Raimi Creating New Jack Ryan Franchise
  • The Very Best of Olympic Memes from the London Games
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 10, 2012
    We will have tons of memories of the XXX Olympiad (not what you're thinking, perv!). There is McKayla Maroney's amazing vault in the gymnastics team competition. There is Ryan Lochte's defeat of Michael Phelps. There is Usain Bolt's amazing record-breaking performance. Stunning moments all. But the internet remembers things differently these days. While we tweeted about the sports as they happened and Facebooked about them the next day, those zany minds that pile on message boards and rev up their Tumblrs were turning our favorite heroes into memes. Here are a few of our favorites. McKayla is Not Impressed: After giving a scrunch look in the medal stand after her third place finish in the vaulting competition, a new Meme was born. Miss Maroney's disappointed face was Photo shopped into all sorts of situations to show how unimpressed she was with whatever is going on in the picture. Here's a whole collection of them. They are, well, quite impressive. Ryan Lochte's Derp Face: Yes, Ryan Lochte is a great swimmer. Yes, Ryan Lochte is also, well, kind of stupid. Putting captions of his more ridiculous quotes over pictures of him making a funny face became the perfect illustration for his performance outside of the pool. Watersports or Gay Porn: Thanks to the status bar at the bottom of most cable systems blocking out tiny Speedos, it made some aquatic events look more like they belonged in Brit Boys Do London than the Olympics. This one from a water polo match is especially graphic. Ryan Lochte Loves You Lady: A dreamy face, a bit of swag, and that wink that says, "I've had one too many mojitos and I think I can take you home tonight." All this picture needs is a caption about what Ryan Lochte would do to an attractive lady once he meets her. Divers Pooping: Ever noticed how divers kind of look like they're having a rather strenuous BM while flipping through the air? Well, the internet did. Thanks for that. Ryan Lochte High Fives Himself: I mean, seriously. Dude. The Queen Is Not Amused: Since Elton John wasn't invited, Elizabeth II was the only British queen at the Opening Ceremonies. She did not look happy to be there, as evidenced by this clever meme. Pants Off Dance Off: I don't know if this is necessarily a meme, but I could watch Brit diver Tom Daley doing a flip and taking his pants off for hours on end. And thanks to this gif, I can! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: AP Photo] More: Olympic Superlatives: The Best and Worst from London Win a Gold Meme Medal with These Hysterical LOLympics The Queen Memes from the Opening Ceremony
  • The Skimpiest Outfits of the 2012 London Olympics — PICS
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 10, 2012
    You may say you watch the Olympics for national pride, the stories of human achievement, the trill of victory, and the agony of defeat. Yes, that is what you say. But like the rest of us, you're really watching to see beautifully toned bodies in hardly any clothing. Hello! There is a reason that fencing is never on in prime time. It's all that damn padding. In honor of your pervy streak, here are the 10 sports that have the tiniest outfits in the games. There are some winners and some losers, but, hey, it doesn't matter when they look this good. Click Here to Launch Our Skimpiest Outfits Gallery! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: AP Photo] More: A History of Ugly Outfits from the Olympics Opening Ceremonies Kate Middleton Is Best Dressed: The People's Princess in 6 Economical Outfits Olympic Superlatives: The Best and Worst from London
  • The Oscars Need One of These 10 Outrageous Hosts
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 09, 2012
    Yes, it's only August, but we're already thinking about Oscar hosts. (Damn, I wish I put so much planning into my Halloween costume and Christmas shopping.) We're getting so close to February's show that people are already turning down the job. Today on Today Jimmy Fallon said that he had been asked by the Academy of Motion Picture Fuddies and Duddies to host the awards, but he said no. Damn, that would have been a pretty good show. What are we going to do instead? We've seen all sorts of people do it over the past few years from boring safe choices like Hugh Jackman and Billy Crystal to failed crazy ideas like the duo of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. So, who are they going to get? So many of our late night hosts have tried and failed (stick to politics, Jon Stewart) and Neil Patrick Harris is so eager to host anything you can probably see him next Thursday hosting your church talent show. There have to be some crazy choices that actually make sense and could be a lot of fun. Here are 10 that I came up with. You can thank me with the honorary Oscar you were going to give to Woody Allen. Justin Timberlake: OK, this is the actual only quote unquote good idea that I actually had. But seriously, he can sing and dance and stars in movies and is funny and charming and attractive and everything we'd really want in a host. Sadly he comes with the evil creature named Jessica Biel attached to him, but everyone has their faults. A Hologram of Bob Hope: Every year some codgers are all, "Bring back Whoopi! Bring back Billy! Bring back some old person who we don't remember!" Well, those people won't be happy until the dearly departed Bob Hope can come back from the grave to host the Oscars. Let's finally give them what they want. If they can do it for Tupac for some silly concert, they can certainly do it for the Academy Awards. Arsenio Hall: The '90s are coming back in a major way and he is getting another talk show. Why not let him crack wise on Hollywood's biggest night. This is a thing that should make you go, "Hmmmm," but will probably just make you go, "No, no, no. That is an awful idea." Sacha Baron Cohen: Seriously he would do something awful, everyone would watch, and we would never stop talking about it. He would be the host equivalent of that swan dress. That sounds like success to me. Harvey Weinstein: There has been no more consistent presence at the Oscars over the past two decades than this mogul. Why not let him be in charge? That way we can all watch him rage and scream at all the winners when they beat one of his movies. Sally Field: You like her. You really like her. Ron Burgundy: Why do we need a non-fictional person to host the Oscars? Will Ferrell might be a little too odd and hammy on his own, but what if he just channeled his beloved newscaster for the entire evening? Let's get a little preview of Anchorman 2. Maggie Smith: She wouldn't so much as host as just stand there and glare and say, "Well..." a lot while folding her hands. Occasionally there would be a withering quip and we would all applaud and then die of happiness. There is a reason she has like 19 Oscars. Kristen Wiig: This would mostly be a good choice just to shut up all those people who think that women can't be funny. Also because you know she'd bring along her hilarious BFFs like Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Melissa McCarthy to make the night even better. The promo can be, "We're flipping our Wiig for the Oscars." See, this just writes itself. The Cast of Friends: OK, this is my other quote unquote good idea. Sure the only one to really transition to movies is (ugh) Jennifer Aniston and they are more TV people, but who wouldn't watch this? They can all be funny, we all know who they are, and this way we can have a little reunion without them having to make more episodes. Remember what I said about the '90s coming back. Make it happen, Oscar! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Could 'Dark Knight Rises' Win Best Picture Oscar? Oscars 2012: 'The Artist' and 'Hugo' Win Big, Plus Surprising Victories Oscars 2012: What's Next for the Oscar Winners?
  • Win a Gold Meme Medal with These Hysterical LOLympics
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 08, 2012
    There is so much to love about the Olympics: The dedication of the athletes, the victory of the underdog, the never-moving hair of Bob Costas. But there is one thing that the Olympics really aren't. They're not very funny. There is no gold medal for comedy and there is no Miss Congeniality in the all-around gymnastics competition. No, the Olympics are very, very serious business.I'm hoping to change that. Using the silliest of Internet memes, the LOLCats that are scattered on the daffier corners of the Internet, as inspiration, we present the LOLympics, where I put stupid captions on silly pictures from the games. Enjoy.  Launch our LOLympics Gallery! More: Gabby Douglas Is On a Cereal Box, but What Should Our Favorite Olympians Sell? Do We Need Technology to Break Olympic Records? The Royal Olympics: A Pictorial Guide to the Royal Family's Athletic Attempts
  • 'Hunger Games: Catching Fire': Bruno Gunn is Brutus
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 08, 2012
    Do you remember Brutus, the Career from District 2 in Catching Fire, the second Hunger Games book? Well, I don't really either. I remember he was big and strong and mean and was maybe friends with Enobario, who I only remember because she has the coolest name this side of Irina Isinbayeva the Olympic pole vaulter. Well, Lion's Gate, who is making the movie adaptations, announced today that they cast Brutus. He is going to be played by Bruno Gunn, a big, bald, handsome hunk who you might remember from his roles in Bad Teacher (as "Police Officer"), Battlefield America (as "Officer Ward"), or Prison Break (as "Officer Daley"). Wow, he's played a lot of cops! Also he's been "Bald Man #1" on Curb Your Enthusiasm and "Water Delivery Man" on The Office. Well, at least Brutus has a name! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'The Hunger Games: Catching Fire' Nabs Amanda Plummer for Wiress 'Hunger Games: Catching Fire': Meta Golding is Enobaria 'Hunger Games: Catching Fire': Lynn Cohen Is Mags
  • 10 Suggestions for Ryan Lochte's Future Reality Show
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 08, 2012
    Swimmer Ryan Lochte is officially the Kanye West of the Olympics. Think about it: the enormous talent, the flashy clothing, the inappropriate tweeting, the partying all night with random girls, the confidence not always backed up with intelligence. Yup, sounds just like Kanye. To complete his transformation into the rap star, who is currently tearing up the small screen on Keeping up with the Kardashians, Lochte needs a reality show. What should he do? His agent told The Hollywood Reporter that he has been offered three different reality shows and he has said he'd love to compete on your mom's favorite show, Dancing with the Stars. Oh, Ryan, we could do so much better than that. Here are some reality concepts for Mr. Lochte, whom we all love so much even though he sometimes comes across as, well, something that rhymes with "smoosh." Swimming with Sharks: A behind-the-scenes look at the competitive world of professional swimming. Grillin' with Ryan Lochte: Two chefs face off using only the backyard cooking apparatus to prepare their food. The Dating Pool: Notorious one-night stand artist Ryan Lochte tries to find the one woman to make his life complete. If the Shoe Fits: Lochte hosts this Project Runway-style competition where each week contestants must bling out a pair of sneakers in different colored crystals. Grillz: Like MTV's Cribz, Ryan gives us tours of famous people's teeth. Lochte and Keys: Ryan Lochte and Alicia Keys play a married couple who investigate suspicious murders. Oh wait, that's not reality. Never mind. Antiques Roadshow with Ryan Lochte: He seems like a natural fit for host of this long-running PBS rummage sale. Ryan Lochte and Sprint Present Ryan Lochte's Sprint: Watch the world's fastest swimmer (after Michael Phelps) try to do daily tasks as fast as possible using only his smile and a mobile phone. Ryan's Hope: A reboot of the classic soap opera about an Irish family that owns a bar, but Ryan Lochte just opens a bar on his own. Of course, there is a wacky staff. Grills-ah in the Mist: A nature show where we visit a new strange animal in the wild each week. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Getty Images] More: Ryan Lochte Pees in the Pool and Other Weird Things Olympians Do From Gabby Douglas to Ryan Lochte: Breakout Stars From Week 1 of the Olympics Olympics Round-Up: Lochte Beats Phelps, Archers Take Aim at Silver