Author

Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Do We Need Technology to Break Olympic Records?
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 08, 2012
    Everyone sitting at home watching the Games of the XXX Olympiad on NBC (more than 30 million of us) are considering the impossibility of looking like the athletes we see on TV. While we tuck into another pint of Ben & Jerry's Phish Food, we dream that we will have arms as round as a gymnast's and abs as flat as a sprinter's. This will never happen. They have training, youth, discipline, and years and years of hard work on their side. We just have a gym membership and a vague dream. But the other advantage they have is technology. Not only are we talking about the high-tech bows of the archery competition that would make Katniss Everdeen drool in District 12 or the aerodynamic helmets that cyclists wear that make them look more like the queen from Aliens than an actual human. Think about all the advances in nutrition, all the studies about exercise, all the breakthroughs in training, and all the new flavors of Gatorade that go into making superior athletes. It's the difference between a simple quarter turn on the vault from 1956 and McKayla Maroney's nearly impossible Amanar with a whole flip and two and a half twists. (This one image shows the staggering comparison nicely). What if technology goes too far? Will we eventually reach a place where the human body is pushed to its limits and we will be physically unable to do bigger and badder things in these age-old events? Will technology then have to come in and push us past the plateau? Will the future Olympics be full of highly engineered cyborgs and the gold medals go to their computer programmers as well as the meat and bone athletes? That was the question no doubt lingering on some viewers minds after seeing Oscar Pistorius, a South African sprinter who competes on a set of carbon fiber prosthetics having been born without lower legs. From the knees up, he looks like any elite-level athlete. From the knees down, he looks a little bit like something you would see in Minority Report (he's even earned the nickname "Blade Runner"). Pistorius failed to make the finals for the men's 400-meter race, but will run as part of the South African relay team on Thursday night. This isn't without controversy. Science can't prove whether or not his legs give him any advantage over traditional runners. Some say that he should be allowed to compete if he can qualify, just like anyone else. Others are afraid that if technology such as his is allowed to enter the race, sub par runners will endure risky procedures to make themselves into Olympic champions with some high-tech isomers and risky surgery. (Both sides of the argument are laid out here.) Of course, considering that he didn't even qualify, it's unlikely athletes will be rushing to the doctor's office any time soon. While a field of runners carrying nothing but cybernetics below the ankles seems insane, just consider the new world record set by Usain Bolt in the 100-meter dash. He ran the race in 9.58 seconds, which is faster than most people can sneeze. Since 1968, the record has been slowly chipped down from 9.95 seconds and mathematician Reza Noubary claims that the fastest time humanly possible is 9.44 seconds. If we continue at the rate of breaking records that has been already established, that goal could be achieved at the 2028 Olympic Games. And then what? If the human body can't go any faster, are we supposed to accept our limits? Will every country that can produce someone who can run in 9.44 seconds share one gold? Or will changes come in other non-human forms? Will competitors run naked to decrease body weight? Will they be fitted with legs with springs and hydraulic arms? Will the real $6 Million Man be the first athlete to run this race in under 9 seconds? That doesn't seem fair, considering the Olympics are about what is humanly possible. It is about taking the one thing we all have in common — the flesh we were born into – and sculpting it into something that is greater than everyone else's. Just look what is happening in swimming right now. In 2008, swimsuits were created that expelled water, delivered oxygen to muscles, and compressed the body, making it more buoyant. Basically, the suits could make even your grandma's breaststroke look like something out of Michael Phelps' training routine. In the wake of this invention (pun intended), the world records fell harder and faster than ever. In the 2008 Olympics, world records in the 32 events were broken 25 times. In 2004, world records were only broken eight times. Because it seemed like the competitors were relying more on their superhuman fashion and less on time in the pool, the Fédération Internationale de Natation (FINA), the governing body of the sport, banned the suits in 2010, which heralded the return of the classic suit (much to the happiness of fans of the male form). World records may have been set in a total of 30 of the 32 Olympic swimming events during the super suit era (which also includes non-Beijing competitions), but the London games still saw nine world records broken (in three of the men's events and six of the women's). It seems like human endurance will continue to outshine technology, it's just going to do so much more slowly. Of course, that might make watching swimming more boring to some people. There is so much more at stake when every victory requires an athlete to be the best in recorded history. But, then again, are those broken records sweeter because they happen more rarely and because they happen as a result of training bought the hard way rather than with new gear purchased with sponsors' money? (Wow, this is making the Olympics sound even more like The Hunger Games). Technology will always be a part of sports as long as there are clubs for golfing and poles for vaulting, but pretty soon it seems like we're going to have to decide whether we want to reside within our earthly limits or keep charting for progress, even if that happens with the help of metal and circuits. It's not a problem for all of us, but it's something to think about while you finish your ice cream. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: Wenn.com] More: Double-Amputee Oscar Pistorius To Compete in London's Summer Olympics Olympics Round-Up: Usain Boltin', Blade Runnin', and Andy Murray Olympics Round-Up: It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Michael Phelps
  • Help Increase the Meme Medal Count with These Hilarious LOLympics
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 07, 2012
    The Olympics are almost over! Can you believe it? Neither can I! What are we going to do when we have our evenings back to watch Big Bang Theory reruns and annoy our family/roommates/significant others about going to get us some more ice cream because it's hot outside? Gosh, that sounds so pedestrian. In fact, it's enough to make us scream. That's why while the games are still on, I'm going to keep laughing. How, you ask? By following the wonderful Internet memes of our LOLympic pictures. As long as they keep rolling in, there's still hope for us yet. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan[Photo credit: AP Photo] More: Everyone's a Winner with More Meme-tastic LOLympics Take Some Time to Laugh at Athletes with These Meme-Tastic LOLympics The Competition for the Best Memes Is Still Going on With LOLympics
  • 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: Ho Ho Ho
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 07, 2012
    Oh welcome back, my Housewives. Welcome back, oh you glorious little rag dolls left in an Tennessee Williams play (one of the later sucky ones that don't make sense), buffeted about by fate, and pitted against each other like so many crashing marionettes. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. After a few boring weeks where all we got to do was listen to ¡Que Viva!'s father hit on her like some sort of Southern gothic preacher, we finally got back to some absolutely insane existential drama. It was just what we were craving. But before I dive deeply into some things, there are a few topics I want to get out of the way: –Sonja never should have invited Ramona as her enforcer to that meeting with Heather and James Bernard, the most beleaguered homosexual in the whole world. (Seriously, this guy has to stare at himself every morning in the mirror and think, "What black hole did I fall into where I am now working in this alternative universe where nothing makes sense and how do I get out?") Also, she's not a client of anyone's because she's not paying. Sonja, I love her dearly, but she needs to lighten up and let the experts help her. To quote Working Girl (and not a week should go by when you don't), Sonja has a mind for business and a bod for sin. Well, except without the mind for business part. –You know when you sit around with your friends and play, "If I won the lottery, I'd buy a house in Fire Island, an apartment in Paris, I'd go spend a month in Bora Bora just eating pineapple off of little sticks while floating in the ocean. Oh, and I'd buy my mom a dog." You know how you play that game but you know deep down in your heart that you will never happen because it is an actual impossibility? That is exactly what the Countess talking about having another baby is like. —I freaking hate Tripp, Carole's main gay because she is hanging out and having coffee with him and not with me. I am going to find Tripp one Saturday night at The Cock and he's just not going to find his way home and I am going to Single White Female his whole life. Either that I'm going to apply to be one of Carole's interns. Do you think she'll teach me how to recap? –Did you see the crazy old lady with the huge white afro at dinner at Le Cirque. I'm convinced that it was Phyllis Diller and she was just wheeze laughing at these Boiled Shrimps of the Big Apple through the entire meal. –The Mario/Balki "Let's fight about Ramona's wine" feud is so incredibly stupid. It's awful. Still, these two showed way more personality in their 2.7 minutes on screen than ¡Que Viva!'s husband Taco has shown in his whole life. –If I had a bag of groans I would open it up and let the Countess listen to it for everything she said about American Indians. Then I would cover her head with it and hit her with a tomahawk and send her back to a reservation to make wig wams and turquoise jewelry for the rest of her life. That is exactly what I would do if I had a bag of groans. –Sonja, no one cares about your J. But way to think about SEO. (That is CEO's single brother.) –Can you imagine the homeless people who get the Housewives cast of coats at the coat drive? These people are already homeless. They have it pretty bad. Now you're going to dress them up in moth-eaten furs that Ramona won't even give to her cousins back in the trailer park? That's just mean. OK, now onto the big things. So, Ramona and Mario have a dinner at Le Cirque, which exists only to be mentioned on Page Six and no real human being has ever eaten there even once. Ramzona and Mario basically just want to drink their $1400 bottle of Chateau Escargot, which is the same sad Chateau where Charlie Brown lived in It Doesn't Stink, It's Only France, Charlie Brown. Everyone is sitting around the table and LuAnn's paramour Balki Bartakamous says, "I haf a storEE for all of YOU." OK, now just imagine the rest of this in a French accent, cause I'm too lazy to write one. "So, I was at ze gym ze other day, and after a very intense and macho workout, I decided to go into ze steam room. When I got in zere, zere was zis very wealthy looking man who was a little balding but very handsome. He was sitting in his towel and I sat down next to him. He started making glaces at my eyes and then glances at my crotch. Zen he started touching his own crotch through his towel. I decided it was only polite to do ze same. So, zere we are, touching ourselves together and we, how do you say, we had a very fun time together. He wiped his hand off on his towel and then shook my hand. 'It's nice to meet you. My name is Harry Dubin,' he said. Look! Now even I have had ze sex with Harry Dubin!" (That did not happen, but basically it did. Well, I wish it did.) Next:
  • The Rules for Remakes
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 07, 2012
    Did anyone catch Total Recall over the weekend? I don't mean the 1990 Arnold Schwarzenegger version, I'm talking about the brand spanking new one with Colin Farrell. Oh, you didn't know the difference? You weren't the only one who saw the new flick and thought you were having a flashback to the first film? While not a shot-for-shot remake (and what purpose does one of those serve?) it was remarkably similar to the source material. That seems like some sort of creative failure. If you're going to make a movie just like the first one, why bother redoing what was a perfectly good movie in the first place? In the spirit of not making the same mistakes over and over again and because we get more and more remakes, reboots, and rejuvenations every year, here are some simple rules for the producers of these movies. Learn from history or your bound to repeat your movie. Differentiate Yourself: The hardest part of being an identical twin is finding some way to prove that you're an individual. The same goes for remakes. Each new movie has to find its own voice. Either the story is adapted and modernized (Clueless was just a "reboot" of Jane Austen's Emma) or it blends into the original. That is the problem with Total Recall. Every action scene is pretty much the same. It's been more than two decades since the first movie and advances in technology and tastes in action movies have changed dramatically. And let's not forget that movie prices have risen steeply as well. If you're not going to give me something new and different for my $12.50 ($17 if it's in IMAX and $18 plus naming rights for your first born if it's in 3D) then I'm just going to watch the old one on Netflix for basically free. Lay Off the References: Aside from improving on the original, the other point of a remake is to expose a new audience of kids raised on their own pop cultural touchstones to the things that previous generations held dear. That means most of the people Hollywood is courting never saw the original. (Lucky for Russell Brand no one in his regular audience can cry foul for what he did to Aurthur.) If that's the case, why are some remakes packed to the gills with references and in jokes that only devotees of the original will get? Yes, tipping the hat to long-time fans is appreciated, but not at the expense of those who haven't seen the source material (hear that, every comic book movie ever). While not the best, Clash of the Titans did this well, making a quick joke about Bubo the mechanical owl and then moving past it. Of course all movies need to keep the iconic moments of the film intact. Titans would have been nothing without "Unleash the Kraken," after all. Only One Cameo: Sorry, Holly Robinson Peete, but you probably should have been cut from the 21 Jump Street movie. Same goes for everyone who wasn't Johnny Depp. Like I said before, don't burden this thing down with nostalgia. Sure Holly was inoffensively given a role as a cop in the movie, but if we're spending all our time waiting to see the next famous person to pop up, we're not paying attention to the new stars. Dark and Brooding Isn't the Answer: The reason The Dark Knight and Batman Begins were so incredibly successful is not because they were dark. They were hits because they took what had become a really hokey franchise (hello, nipple suits) and turned it into a superhero epic with greater depth. This does not mean that making everything brooding and angsty is going to make your movie better. Right, Miami Vice? Do you hear me, The Amazing Spider-Man? What rebooters want is to add more dimension to their movies, and if that comes with an emo soundtrack, great. But that's not the only way. Say in the Same Genre: It's never a good decision to take a movie out of how it was intended and turn it into something else. For instance Dark Shadows as a gothic-soap opera could have been good. Dark Shadows as a comedy lets in all the campiness that a remake quickly falls into. The Brady Bunch movie works because it turns a comedy into an even campier comedy. So, let's have the dramas stay dramas, shall we. No one needs another Stepford Wives debacle. Wait: It's hard to put a time limit on when a film should be remade or rebooted, but 10 years seems to be safe. But that could still be too soon. Just like pornography, it's hard to give an exact definition, but I know a movie was retooled too soon when I see it. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Total Recall Review The Ending of 'Total Recall' and a Missed Remake Opportunity 'Total Recall': Kate Beckinsale & Jessica Biel on Their Big Fight
  • Everyone's a Winner with More Meme-tastic LOLympics
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 06, 2012
    It was a long Olympic weekend with lots of trips to the medal stand and many opportunities to cry and cheer and beat your breast with national zeal. But when was the last time you laughed? Hmm? When was the last time the absurdity of these super humans flying about, throwing objects, and skittering through the water like salmon made got through to your little brain and made you giggle. That's what the LOLympics are for. Using inspiration from our favorite Internet memes, here are some silly little things we noticed from the Games this weekend. Try not to laugh. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: AP Photo] More: Celebrate the One-Week Anniversary of the London Games With More LOLympics The Competition for the Best Memes Is Still Going on With LOLympics Take Some Time to Laugh at Athletes with These Meme-Tastic LOLympics
  • 'Big Brother' Recap: Good Ship and Lollipops
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 06, 2012
    Guys, I don't even know what to think about the coaches entering the game on Big Brother. I know it happened on Thursday, but, man, I am still thinking about it. Was that even a twist? Didn't we know that was going to happen all along? Yes, yes we did. And if the coaches say they didn't, then they are liars. Oh, and it's BB so there are so many liars and so many twists and so many things to get mad about, and so many things to love. The house is still reeling about the coachs' return too. Ashley says that it "blew up my whole game." Um, which game are you talking about Ashley? The one in which you sit on your back and stare at the ceiling and count imaginary stars, or the one in which you frolic with trolls in the enchanted dell of your own mind? Also, the Who from Whoville, that girl with the crazy red hair that is shaved on one side who hasn't done anything at all, says, "The game started at zero for me." That's because the game is still at zero from when you walked in the house. You haven't done anything at all. Nothing. Not even one amusing thing. There was definitely some craziness in the direct aftermath of the announcement. Everyone is lying about pushing the button except Dan. Britney and Janelle say they didn't push in order to appear like they don't really want to play the game even though they do. It isn't the worst strategy, especially for girls who are as good at lying as these two. It sucks for Dan though, who is going to take all the blame for restarting the game. Dan is also taking all the blame for telling Frank and Boogie that Frank was going to be voted out had a vote occurred. That meant Danielle and Wig were lying about keeping him safe. They are pissed. Thankfully, Dan is saved when Danielle wins HoH (spoiler alert!) so there's nothing Mike and Boogie can do this week, but it definitely is dividing the house between two factions: one comprised of Britney, Danielle, Dan, and Shane, and the other comprised of Mike & Boogie (coming to The CW this fall) with Wig and Janelle as super players trying to work both sides for their own gain. Then there are the floaters. God, floaters, grab a life vest. I'm starting to figure out why everyone in the house hates them so much. I think it's because they are just boring. So, last we left our castaways they were taking a three-hour tour on the side of a boat that was rocking back and forth and being pelted with water and randomly squirted with seagull turds. Were those real turds? Was that just like white frosting? Was that the goo that is clogging up Ashley's brain? Who knows. Slowly all the big guys drop off, because this is a challenge that is really made for little weak people without much body weight to hold up against the boat. Eventually we're left with Danielle, Britney, and Ian, who finally decides to play the game mostly because he realized what an embarrassment it is to stand in a yellow Lycra jumpsuit for four hours on national television and wanted to take it off. He tries to make a deal with the two of them. Dan overhears and gets up and tells Danielle that she can win and she "sets the deal, she doesn't take the deal." It's the most coaching he's done all game and he's not even her coach anymore. But, like the end of every episode of Friday Night Lights, I'm a little bit inspired. Maybe I can be part of Dan's pirate army too. Frank and Boogie are still pissed about what happened and they know that their only chance is if Ian wins, which would keep them in the game. They're all talking about how they have to make sure he stays on the boat, and meanwhile, outside, there is deal-making going on. They're missing the whole thing! That seems to be the problem with both of their games: Frank and Boogie are so focused on what the two of them are doing, that they're not bothering to focus on what is happening around them. Finally Britney, who is always the voice of reason and experience when she's not making fun of her fellow contestants, says, "Let's end this now. Ian, you're safe." So, he jumps off. She looks at Danielle, "Am I safe?" "Duh," she replies. And with that Danielle, the most unexpected of all houseguests, wins the pirate challenge. AAAARRRGHHH matey. And as soon as she falls off and drops into the pool at the bottom of the boat, she hears something across the backyard. It is the galloping of hooves as a tall white steed is approaching her. On top she sees a figure with the flood lights shining behind him, making his face obscure. He jumps off his horse and walks towards her. He is wearing tights on his legs and a cape about his body, which he casts to the side to show a long, glinting sword strapped to his hip. It is Prince Charming, and he is there to save her. "Stay there, Sleeping Beauty, let me arouse you." He drops down into the pool and plants a firm kiss squarely on her lips. Everyone goes, "Awwwwwwwww." Or was that, "Ewwwwwwww?" It was one or the other and now everyone knows that Shane and Danielle are going to be doing the sideways showmance in the HoH room all week. Once everyone is back inside, Dan has to do damage control because of what he told Frank and Boogie about Frank going home. He takes them into the pantry where the only thing on the counter is, like, four gigantic bowls of Fruit Loops. Is this what they live on? Is that the ambrosia that makes Frank's hair grow like a pile of cotton candy enchanted with pixie dust? And isn't all of that cereal going to go stale if they don't put it in some damn Tupperware? Anyway, Dan apologizes and owns up to screwing up. Good for Dan. Finally some taking responsibility. Now Danielle has to nominate people and she's decided to put up Frank and Wig. This is only because Dan is still manipulating her and wisely doesn't want any of the former coaches on the block because he doesn't want to give everyone else a reason to pay attention to him. But then Danielle remembers that she told Wig he'd be safe if he jumped off the boat and she doesn't want to make an enemy of his Medusa hair. She's also afraid that if Boogie plays for veto, he'll win and take Frank off the block and then she won't get to evict them. She wants to put up Boogie and Frank, but then changes her mind and Wig goes on the block. Boogie, of course, is pissed. His ego is so huge that not being seen as the biggest threat in the game wounds him on some substantive level. But I don't know how big of a threat he really is. What makes Janelle a threat is that she never really seems like a threat. It's like you could get rid of her at any time, even though that's not really true. Boogie, on the other hand, makes so much noise about how great he is that everyone thinks he's a threat, so much so that whenever you want to get rid of him, everyone will vote for him. He's convinced them he's a threat, which makes his ouster inevitable. God, can I stop saying "threat." Next to "in this house" it has to be the most overused word or phrase on this whole show. That and "Boogie." God, can we stop talking about him too? Soon, maybe. Soon. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] More: 'Big Brother' Recap: And the Evicted Houseguest Isn't... 'Big Brother' Recap: Send in the Clowns 'Big Brother' Recap: Let's Get Physical
  • The Competition for the Best Memes Is Still Going on With LOLympics
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 02, 2012
    Hahahahaha. Oh, the Olympics. Where funny faces abound, ridiculous costumes are the norm, and princes and princesses are showing up just waiting to be mocked. But we can't do so with just normal jokes. Oh no! We need the craziest meme on all of the Internet to help us. For the fourth day in a row (and boy is our Photoshop getting tired), here are our LOLympics — otherwise known as funny pictures with little scribblings inspired by LOLcats, Princess Kate for the Win, and, you know, the little people. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: AP] More: Get Your Meme On with Another Round of Hilarious LOLympics Take Some Time to Laugh at Athletes with These Meme-Tastic LOLympics Get the Gold Medal in Meme with These LOLympics Pictures
  • An Ode to the Three-Breasted Woman of 'Total Recall'
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 02, 2012
    When I say Total Recall, the first thing to come into your mind is not Arnold Schwarzenegger or Mars or Sharon Stone or even the new remake with Colin Farrell. No, what you think about is that lady with three breasts. That is the one thing everyone remembers from Total Recall: the hooker tricked out with an extra prosthesis on her chest. So in honor of this timeless beauty I have composed an ode to her. An Ode to the Three-Breasted Woman Oh muse, you stand, chest to the sky. The warriors and vandals Grab as they walk by. But permission is not granted for free As they look for your mounds Numbering one, two, three. You offer your bounty, but, oh for a price Your patrons are numerous As they're satisfied thrice. Your body so gorgeous, svelt, supple, and tanned Is wasted by your suitors Without that one extra hand. Search as they will, through brothels and bars, But they'll never find a beauty Like the three-titted goddess of Mars. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: The Three-Breasted Alien in 'Total Recall' and Other Pop Culture Twos Gone Awry 'Total Recall': Bryan Cranston Is None Too Pleased with Kate Beckinsale Colin Farrell's 'Total Recall' Trailer: Not the Schwarzenegger Movie You Remember
  • Victoria Beckham Reads Her First Book: 'Fifty Shades of Grey'
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 02, 2012
    Victoria Beckham is known for many things — her fashion sense, her scowl, her creatively named children, her shoes that are higher than Lindsay Lohan on her way into rehab — but one thing she's not really know for is her book smarts. Despite having "written" a memoir, back in 2005 she said she has never read a book. Not even one! She never has time for books. Well, that's all changed. Lady Becks has finished her first full-length read, and it's a doozy. Yes, she's a big fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. Vicky B told Glamour magazine (where she guest edited September's issue, because it's not that she's illiterate, she's just, you know, busy) that she finished the first one and loved it. "I’m halfway through the second one. I even bought my mum the book!" she says. Congrats on finishing your first 1.5 books! In honor of the new favorite hobby of our new favorite Spice Girl (after Scary, of course) we decided to make her a little reading list that seems to be along the lines of her interests. Hollywood Wives: Jackie Collins' classic about the priviledged women of L.A. and all the sex that they're having. Champion: Fabio certainly knows how to be on the cover of a romance novel, but what about when he writes about a champion. Victoria should know what it's like to marry one. Just for Kicks: A showgirl falls in love with a soccer player. Sound familiar? Unofficial Posh Spice in My Pocket: Literature is supposed to teach you something about yourself, right? Madame Bovary: Lust, sex, betrayal, passion, fashion, death (spoiler alert!): it's everything your average romance novel lover wants, except it's not so easy to read. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: Wenn.com] More: Victoria Beckham: Justin Bieber Thought My Son Was A Jolie-Pitt Kid Victoria Beckham Responds to Criticism: She's 'Tired' But 'Not Miserable' David and Victoria Beckham Want More Children
  • How to Avoid Olympic Spoilers
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 01, 2012
    Log onto the Internet, and you'll be privy to an #NBCFail debate surrounding whether or not the network should be streaming the Olympics live over the Internet, or show the events primetime hours later. I am not at all interested in that debate. I just want to watch the damn Olympics and I don't want to know what happens before I get to watch it on TV. Since NBC is only offering the Olympics one way, then I am beholden to their genius. The critical response to this year's Olympics is, however, interesting. After all, we're not used to having to worry about spoilers when it comes to sports. If you don't watch Game 7 (do they have seven games?) of the World Series, you still know that the winner will be announced in the news and on Facebook and Twitter and you have to stay away. And if you hope to avoid finding out who won last night's mid-season Yankees game, you can safely avoid spoilers by neglecting to log onto sports sites. But the Olympics are so huge, and so widely reported, especially in this day and age when social media and SEO reign supreme. The news of Michael Phelps losing, for instance, is going to be covered by every media outlet with a blog or a bit of ink, even if we don't get to watch it ourselves until we're curled up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerry's in the air-conditioned comfort of our little homes. That means we need to keep away from all press while waiting for NBC. But we can't. It's nearly impossible to ignore the news when logging onto the Internet, or fielding text alerts via your phone. (You just wanted to call your mother to say hello, for God's sake! Why must USA Today and The New York Times ruin things for you?!) And once you know how a sporting event ends, it's difficult to want to watch it later. It's not like learning that Jack is really an alien at the end of Lost (he isn't) — such a plot twist wouldn't necessarily keep you from watching the show (because, how did he become an alien?!) — but knowing that Phelps picked up Gold will make his race as exciting as a group of 4-year-olds playing Marco Polo at a public pool. It's just difficult to care anymore. So, how can we continue caring? How can we get through the day and preserve the sanctity of the games? Follow these easy steps:  Sign Off of Everything: Yes, that means Facebook, Twitter, Pintrest, Reddit, Stumbleupon, Tumblr, MySpace, Friendster, and even your old Prodigy account. Somewhere out there, someone is going to make some sort of comment about who wins or loses, and then you're going to have to track that friend down and punch him or her right in the gut. The best thing to do is just give it up entirely. Yes, that means your Farmville is probably going to wither and the cows will all die, but so be it. The Olympics only happens every four years!  Twitter Away: Twitter is by far the worst offender, because most people not only follow their friends, but also news outlets like ESPN or the New York Times, which are going to be sending out little 140 character headlines of death. If you can't stay away from Twitter, just unfollow all of them. Unfollow everyone who even uses the word Olympics. Your feed should be all stories of people's cats, discussions about the weather, and annoying Instagram pictures of what your friends just ate (mmm, chicken parm sandwich). Everyone else can go suck it until the middle of August. Don't Read the News: Sorry, world, but nothing can happen right now. No regimes can topple, no presidential candidates can stumble, no natural disasters can occur. Well, these things can happen (and Mitt sure has had his fair share of stumbles), but I'm not going to read about them because I am not looking at the homepages of any newspaper, magazine, TV station, or even any blog about anything. All anyone is talking about is the Olympics, and no matter the topic of the blog, the results of some event might be hidden even in the headline. Don't even send me links, because that might even give something away in the URL. Be Preemptive: I have a friend who is immediately responding to all emails, texts, Gchats, and other IMs with the message, "DO NOT TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT THE OLYMPICS!" Yes, this is what you have to do. Tell everyone that you do not want even a mention of what might be happening. No one should even talk about last night's Olympics. What if you DVR-ed it but still haven't watched? Just no Olympic talk at all, unless you're simply hoping to send along pictures of sexy athletes. Complete Isolation: Seriously, who knows if your husband read something about Missy Franklin or if one of your stupid kids is going to spill the beans about ladies' gymnastics? You don't know if someone on the subway is going to start talking about what he saw on the live feeds. You don't know! Permanent Vacation: The only solution is to take the next two weeks off. Just don't go into work, put some blankets over the windows and lock yourself into a cave of athletic events, inspiration stories, and NBC news anchors. The only thing you have to live for is the Olympics, and you want them nice and pure. However, as soon as you start thinking that Bob Costas' hair is actually speaking to you, then it's time to go outside and get some fresh air. Just don't look in the newspaper box, whatever you do. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: Getty Images] More: Olympics Spoiler Alert: The Thrill is Gone? 5 Olympics Burning Questions, Starting With: ‘What Happened to Michael Phelps?’ A History of Ugly Outfits from the Olympics Opening Ceremonies