Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Get Your Meme On with Another Round of Hilarious LOLympics
    By: Brian Moylan Aug 01, 2012
    I don't know about you, but I certainly sit at home and wonder, "Hmmm, what is that Olympian thinking right at this very moment?" There's no way to know, for sure, but I think I might have some ideas. Well, at least I have some ideas that I think are funny. To tickle everyone's funny bone, here is what I think is inside of the minds of our Olympians, translated using the age-old (or at least a few years old) Internet LOLcat meme. Behold, what our elite athletes are thinking in another round of our LOLympics. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: AP News] More: Get the Gold Medal in Meme with These LOLympics Pictures Take Some Time to Laugh at Athletes with These Meme-Tastic LOLympics Olympics Round-Up: Michael Phelps is a Golden God
  • Oh God, They're Rebooting 'The Brady Bunch'
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 31, 2012
    Hollywood was officially out of ideas somewhere around the same time they remade A Star is Born for the third time, but we are in a whole new age of recycling old material. The latest unnecessary "reboot" (sorry, but using a computer term doesn't make it sound like the future) is a retooled version of The Brady Bunch. CBS has ordered a script, according to Deadline. It is going to be about two divorcees, one played by Patrick Duffy and the other by Suzanne Somers, and they're going to move all their kids together into a house. It will be called Step by Step and we'll all go back in a time machine to 1991 and watch it on TGIF right after Urkel. No, seriously, there is going to be a new The Brady Bunch (complete with updated theme song!) and this time around, Peter Brady has some kids and gets remarried to a lady who also has kids and they have kids of their own. But, but, their exes are still in their lives, so basically it's an entirely new show. The show is being executive produced by Vince Vaughn, who apparently "came up with the reboot idea." OK, I'm putting a stop to this right now. No one "comes up with" an idea to re-do a show that has already been done. "I know, let's bring back The Honeymooners. Oh, let's jump start My Mother the Car. Know what the world needs? Another season of Magnum PI. While we're at it, let's just re-do every show that was ever on TV, but update it." There, I came up with every "reboot idea" that there is. List me as an executive producer. Well, this show is certainly beloved and there is a lot of room for it to grow. It's 2012, so we're sure it will be very different and better. They'll probably have a Latina Alice. Wait, maybe that's not so much better after all. Now, about that Kids Incorporated reboot... Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] More: Reboot or Re-boo? The Best (and Worst) TV and Film Reboots 'Arrested Development': Details on the Netflix Reboot (Season Four, Five, AND Six?!) 'Spider-Man' Fandom: Why a Reboot Was the Only Answer
  • 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: Houseguest from Hell
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 31, 2012
    Who watched the Olympics last night? I did! And then I had to stay up late to watch the Real Snoozecatchers of Pantomime Bluff and it just didn't live up to the glory of Missy Franklin taking the gold, the defeat of the men's gymnastics team shitting the pommel horse, or the impossibly skimpy Speedo on Tom Daley. Sure, the Housewives have golden hair, horse-like cackles, and equally skimpy bathing suits, but they just aren't the same. I'm sorry, they're not. Especially this current New York Olympiad which is winning a medal in snooze. But they do have a sport of their own, and it is face yoga. It was taught by its inventor and only practitioner, Carole Radziwill's friend, the jewelry designer Rajana Khan. Look at her face, with its silly puddy skin stretched over it. Watch her move her tongue around the inside of her cheek. Watch her suck in her cheeks and tilt her head to the moon letting out a low grumble like a mating toad. Watch her work her wonders on the Housewives. Then watch Rajana go into her bedroom and laugh and laugh and laugh. This is like her game of Polish Arm Wrestling, where you have your opponent make a fist and try to get them to pull it out of your hand but while they're pulling, you let go and they end up punching themselves in the face. That is what Rajana — who, for her age, really does look absolutely amazing — does to the Houseyogis. She preys on their vanity and jealousy to make them want to look as good as her, but then she punks them and tells them to make all these awful faces for the camera. No, it's not a sport, it's a practical joke that one really rich Indian lady played on all of these harridans. Rajana wins the gold in awesome. Also at the pool was Ramona. Oh God, once again we have to talk about how awful Ramona is. I am getting so tired of this. It's sort of like seeing Michael Phelps lose over and over again. Oh wait, I never get tired of that. Take that, you cocky son of a bitch! Maybe Ramona should train Michael Phelps. "Now swim. No, faster. You're doing it all wrong. Like this. Get out of the water. You're not listening to me!" That is what it would sound like. Ramona thinks she is an expert in everything. The first time she found out about ¡Que Viva!'s fake leg, she was completely astounded and behaved like an 8-year-old who just discovered chocolate — befuddled but very excited. Now, suddenly, she's like an expert in prosthesis. She tells ¡Que Viva! that she has to get out of the pool because she's getting her leg wet, and ¡Que Viva! is all, "Don't worry, I know what I'm doing." But Ramona insists over and over and over again until she gets out of the pool, embarrassing everyone, including herself. Don't tell a woman what to do with her own body, Ramona. Have you never seen a Pro-Choice rally? Then, when everyone is back at ¡Que Viva!'s cloud palace, Ramona and Sonja are carrying on in the bathroom like a pair of teenagers who just got DMed by Justin Bieber (if you did not understand that last sentence, you are old and/or sane) and ¡Que Viva! wants to come in and join the fun. "Sorry," Ramona says. "This is only for Sonja and me. You're not allowed." That's right, Ramona just barred ¡Que Viva! from a room in her own house. Does she not know who the star of this Mexican soap opera is? Obviously not, because then, at dinner, Ramona goes into the kitchen and changes the menu around and starts ordering around the staff. I'm sorry, this isn't just messed up Housewives behavior, this is just messed up behavior in general. These are all real, awful things for a person to do to another person. It's not even fun to watch her behave badly, it's just tedious. It's like "I know you guys are all paid to hang out with her, but seriously, you need to stop. Quit the show. There is more to life than a bug-eyed jester caterwauling at you and trying to tell you how to live your life. No, I'm not talking about Dr. Phil, Sonja. I mean Ramona. There is more to life than Ramona." The best part is ¡Que Viva! finally walks up to Sonja and is like, "Ramona is awful. How do you do it? What do you do when she gets all overbearing and screechy?" Sonja just sort of laughs and puts her hand on ¡Que Viva!'s shoulder and walks away shaking her head and holding her open hand up to her nose with the knuckle-side up. "Oh, that's funny," she chuckles. There is nothing you can do to stop Ramona. She's like a roller coaster, soaring and jangling and making you vaguely sick to your stomach, and you can't stop her. She is going to happen and she only has one track. You can't change the direction of the car, it just goes in the same way every damn time. This is going to happen and everyone is going to pretend like it's fun and awesome, but, in the morning, you'll wake up with your joints all achy and your back needs an alignment. The only thing you can do to feel right is to not get on the coaster. Next:
  • Take Some Time to Laugh at Athletes with These Meme-Tastic LOLympics
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 31, 2012
    Last night while watching the Olympics, I cried. I shed real tears when Missy Franklin won, when the men's gymnastics team lost, and when it became shockingly clear that, no matter what I do, I will never marry an Olympic diver. But that's not the only emotion we should have at the Games of the XXX Olympiad. (No, not what you're thinking.) You should laugh too! To make every event even more fun, I used my knowledge of Internet memes to create these LOLympics. They may not be as fancy as animated gifs, but they're going to have you L-ing your MFAO. I promise. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: AP News] More: Get the Gold Medal in Meme with These LOLympics Pictures A History of Ugly Outfits from the Olympics Opening Ceremonies Olympics Spoiler Alert: The Thrill is Gone?
  • Showtime Will End 'The Big C' After Fourth Season
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 30, 2012
    There's pulling the plug, and then there's pulling the plug, and Showtime's cancer dramedy The Big C isn't on life support, it's dead. (Does that mean the titular Big C actually stands for "cancelled?") Today at the Showtime panel during the Television Critic's Association convention in L.A., the pay-cable network announced that the show will have a fourth and final season, wrapping up with four special hour-long installments. Critically lauded in its first season, the Laura Linney hit hasn't been connecting with fans or critics in the past couple of years. Then there's the problem of dragging out a show about a woman with terminal cancer for years and years on end. Sad to say it, but she has to die sometime. Or does she? Showtime Presdient of Entertainment David Nevins says, "I wouldn't assume anything as to how it’s going to end. We've been having a lot of really creative and interesting conversations as to how we're going to do it.” Now that the program is headed to the grave, we really need to find something else for Gabourey Sidibe to do. She's far too precious to be unemployed! (Har har.) Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan Additional reporting by Leanne Aguilera [Photo Credit: Showtime] More: Susan Sarandon Joining 'The Big C' 'The Big C' Season Finale Recap: Crossing the Line 'The Big C' And 'Weeds' Will Be Back in 2011
  • Get the Gold Medal in Meme with These LOLympics Pictures
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 30, 2012
    There is so much to love about the Olympics: the dedication of the athletes, the victory of the underdog, the never-moving hair of Bob Costas. But there is one thing that the Olympics really aren't. They're not very funny. There is no gold medal for comedy and there is no Miss Congeniality in the all-around gymnastics competition. No, the Olympics are very, very serious business. I'm hoping to change that. Using the silliest of internet memes, the LOLCats that are scattered on the daffier corners of the internet, as inspiration, here is my first day of LOLympics, where I put stupid captions on silly pictures from the games. Here are your first four! Enjoy. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: Getty Images] More: A History of Ugly Outfits from the Olympics Opening Ceremonies 5 Olympics Burning Questions 10 Most Exciting Olympic Moments
  • 'Big Brother' Recap: Let's Get Physical
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 30, 2012
    Guys, we really need to talk about hair. This is a season of messed up crazy locks. First of all, we have Frank with his beehive of curls that was made from the the last remaining sunshine from a dying star and littered with faerie magic so that it would make everyone fall in love with him. Then we have Jen's half-shaved, manic-panicked asymmetrical fail, that looks like a waterfall that is stopped up by a boulder. Don't forget Janelle's impenetrable weave that looks like it comes with its own wind machine and she is forever in a photo shoot where the photographer is saying, "Great, but more t*ts. Give us more t*ts!" There is Shane's thinning faux-hawk that is about three years away from needing to be shaved or hairplugged but three years too late for Propecia. Oh, and let us not forget about Joe, who happens to have a plantinum blonde flavor savor. Yes, the chef has a flavor savor, because it is 1998 and he is in a Ben Affleck movie. Maybe he thinks he is Ben Affleck? Who the hell knows, but if I were in that house, I might slip while I was shaving just so I could hack that unnecessary plumage off his bottom lip. The hair we really need to talk about, the biggest and baddest of all, is Wig's hair. Just on a normal day, after being blonderized and flat ironed, Wig's hair is an awful sight to behold. It's some kind of Gunner throwback. It's like he has a collection of Winger albums that he just can't get rid of and the hairstyle to match. But it's so much more delicate that that. Wig's hair is lady hair. And while I'm all for being as crazy and flamboyant as you want, the last thing you want to see with a handsome face and square jaw like Wig's is your cousin Suzanne's hairdo from her prom. It's also nefariously versatile. First, there was the front French braid along his bangs that looked like something you would only find in a bad infomercial for the Topsy Tail. Then, during the coach's competition, he was wearing a high side pony (with a headband!) like he was Olivia Newton-John's stand-in in the "Let's Get Physical" video. No matter what he does with it, it looks bad. I would actually vote Wig out just because of his hair. Honestly, I would. But I can't because Janelle saved him in the coach's competition. So, yes, Shane is HoH and Britney thinks that she is queen bitch, supreme bitch because of it, but little does she know that Shane, her No. 1 player (oopsie, only player), is making devious deals behind her back. First he made a final two deal with his little scratch post Danielle. (She was all, "This is my first final two deal." Lady, this better be your only final two deal or one of the pair of you did something seriously wrong.) Then he's continuing his deal with Frank and Boogie, who are attached at the hip like a pair of Siamese twins. (It doesn't help that they have indistinguishable not-funny T-shirts with messages all over them.) Shane tells Frank he won't put him up, even though both Britney and Danielle are telling him that he should. Everyone knows that Frank, with his bouffant that is made from the strands pulled out of Rapunzel's brush and was kissed by the spirit of Princess Diana after she died, is a huge threat and it's better to get him out of the game. Shane thinks he's a really good player and will take him far. I think that is a stupid strategy, because you want to win this game, so you should go far in the game with people who are kind of sucky so that you can beat them at every turn. Shane decides that he wants to put Wig up, because everyone thinks he's a huge physical threat even though he saunters around the house in a skank tank and briefs all the time. Anyway, it's time for the coach's competition and they all come out dressed like they're Jamie Lee Curtis in Perfect (seriously, Netflix that one) and it's time to do aerobics to win. Dan decides that he's finally going to not throw a competition and he goes to the final with Janelle, who beats him and saves Wig. This makes sense because Wig really needs saving. He needs saving from himself. Please, Janelle, have a hair-tervention for this poor soul. Seriously. The other crazy thing is that Britney needed to put two people on slop and Ian volunteered for the third week in a row. His thinking is that if he keeps picking slop then people won't want to vote him out. Ian, who has been clinically diagnosed with a rare psychological disorder known as Bonkers, is totally crazy, but this is a sly strategy. I'm sorry, but I think that Ian can take it all the way. The funny thing is, he doesn't have the backing of his coach. Boogie only has eyes for Frank. Period. When Boogie wins a bunch of cash and has to give it to some people, he would have given it all to Frank if he could, but Frank pointed to the other two of Boogie's players and he gives them some coin. Ian starts to cry (probably because he's been on slop for two weeks and he was having a flare-up of Bonkers), but if only he knew the reason he got some $$$ is because Frank passed, he might not feel so teary-eyed. So, blah blah blah, Shane nominates Joe's awful flavor savor and Ashley for elimination. Guess waking Shane up from his Carmen Elektra sex dream (does everyone in this house think it is 1998?) with an omelette didn't really help, Joe. Shane's rationale is, "Last week, you put up me and JoJo and I want you to see how it feels." Um, the only problem is no one from Janelle's team put you up, Shane, it was your boy Frank, who you have given a free ride. This is Boogie and Frank's master plan and PS, Shane, as soon as the coaches enter the game (and if you didn't think they would, you're dumber than Ashley on three Vicodins) you are out and Frank is going to take Boogie all the way. Good job on getting them even closer. What other stupid things do we need to talk about? Oh, Ashley! She has a dream board. She cuts all the things out of magazines that she wants and she puts them on a cork board over her bed. Do you know it got her an iPhone? She put a picture of a iPhone that she saw Kim Kardashian carrying in an issue of Us Weekly and she put it on her board and she dreamed and dreamed that she would get one and one day, while walking down the street, an iPhone just fell out of a cloud and onto the sidewalk in front of her. She picked it up and looked in the contacts under "Dream" and she pushed Dream's phone number and called it and said, "Thanks, Dream, for giving me a phone." Ashley, or Scarecrow, as I'd like to call her, maybe you should put a GED on a the dream board. Just sayin'. But just as dumb is Danielle. They're all sitting around the back yard and Jen is talking about being into ladies and her coming out story and all that stuff, which is all sweet and nice, and then Danielle is like, "Now that I know Jen, I'm not afraid of lesbians anymore. I always thought they would all hit on me and whatnot, but they don't! So I'm safe. YAY!" Oh please, Danielle. First of all, Jen said that she's really into smart girls, so that means you're not her type. Also, you are about one pair of Birkenstocks and eight Indigo Girl CDs away from any lesbian even thinking that they have a shot with you. Come on. Do you really think that this is the way the world works? I mean, Wig hasn't tried to hit on any of the guys yet and Shane is not only hot, but he looks kinda gay too (I mean, the muscles, the fake tan... ). Do you really think that all gay people are so sexually voracious that they try to hit on every attractive member of the same gender around them? Hell no! As Zingbot says, "If Danielle thought Jen would want to sleep with her, why aren't they in an alliance? It's her's her body and not her game play that's keeping Shane around." ZING! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: CBS] More: 'Big Brother' Villain Willie Hantz Arrested Days After Being Thrown Off the Show 'Big Brother' Recap: And the Evicted Houseguest Is... 'Big Brother' Recap: Queso and JoJo
  • Don't Open This at Work: Lady Gaga (NSFW) Totally Naked — PIC
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 27, 2012
    Lady Gaga is perhaps equally as well known for her music as she is for trotting around the globe in semi-ridiculous fashions while tottering on platforms higher than Cheech and Chong at a Phish concert. Now we finally get a chance to see what she looks like minus the couture, the accessories, the masks, and the little men climbing all over her body. The 26-year-old singer posted a naked picture of herself on the fan site just yesterday. But she still has a wig on. Does that count as an article of clothing? I'm gonna go with yes. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Lady Gaga: Little Men Crawl All Over Her Naked Body in Her New Fame Fragrance Ad Lady Gaga Goes from Mother Monster to Wolf Mother in 'Machete Kills Lady Gaga & Justin Bieber Outed as Aliens in ‘Men in Black 3’
  • A History of Ugly Outfits from the Olympics Opening Ceremonies
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 27, 2012
    One of the great joys of watching the Olympics is seeing gorgeous athletes with toned bodies strip down to a tiny piece of cloth like a Speedo or some other skin-tight contraption. The problem, of course, is when each athlete's country tries to cover up the Olympians when they all march into the stadium during the opening ceremonies. The often-embarrassing duds end up looking like a combination between a national costume at the Miss Universe pageant and an Olympic-inspired fashion shoot in Vogue.  So when has it gone awry? Click below to see some of the most stunningly awful Olympic outfits that we've endured over the years, including this year's Spanish travesty (see sprint canoer Saúl Craviotto, right). No, Espana, we would not like fries with that. The Ugliest Olympics Opening Ceremony Outfits More: 15 Americans to Follow on Twitter During the Olympics Everything We Know About the Olympics Opening Ceremony (And Some Things We Don't) Rafael Nadal Drops Out of the Olympics: This Sucks!
  • In Praise of Parker Posey
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 27, 2012
    Did you see Louie last night? Really, you didn't? Well, you need to watch it, like now. I know, I know you may be sick of it because everyone is always blathering on about what a genius that Louis C.K. is and how his show is the best thing on all of damn television, but it really was that good. Normally I like the show enough, but I find it very hit or miss. Well, last night was a big hit, and it had nothing to do with Louis. All that anyone is going to be talking about is Parker Posey. Why, oh why, is this indie darling not a super huge star by now? Posey started her arc on the show last week playing a mousey book store clerk named Liz whom Louie developed a crush on while on a desperate hunt for a girlfriend so that he could show his ex that he is still getting laid. She did a serviceable job as a woman upon whom Louie was projecting all his hopes. She was just a nice, cute lady in public for Louie to bump up against and awkwardly ask out on a date. Of course she says yes. And now that we actually know Liz, we know that she says yes to everything. Last night's episode was about actually getting to know her, about finding the human beneath the hot skin that Louie asked out. Minutes after meeting Liz we find out that she is, well, certifiably insane. Like so many of Posey's characters she is high strung verging on manic and wearing every bit of emotion right on her still youthful face. But, seriously, Liz is nuts. She pushes Louie into a dressing room and tells him to put on a dress. She stops to talk to a homeless person about the snakes that are eating him. She screams at Louie to climb a huge flight of stairs. Nuts! But then Louie has to conquer his fears of the dress, she actually helps the homeless guy get the meds he needs and a warm bed for the night, and she shows Louie a great view of New York. She may be crazy, but she's crazy like a fox, and the real person is nothing like the sweet lady who will read his daughters books that Louie concocted in his mind. But the best part for me was when they're on the top of a tall building and she sits down on the ledge and Louie freaks out and tells her to step off. She says no, because the reason he's afraid isn't that he'll fall, it's that he wants to jump. She doesn't want to jump, she says, she loves her life. And as she's staring at him, with the hazy glaze of the city behind her, something comes across her eyes. Some sort of recognition or memory, and the smile slowly dissolves into something else. Maybe it's fear. Maybe it's a reconsideration. Maybe it's a realization that she doesn't love her life as much as she says she does, but whatever came through her head, it made her get off that ledge and head for the door, and for the first time all night, she's vulnerable. That's when she finally tells Louie her name, and that seems to be something real inside her. It's not the craziness that he might fall in love with, it's that retreat from the ledge, that small amount of human understanding that she conveyed with just a flicker of the muscles above her neck. It was utterly brilliant. I've always loved Posey since she was playing badass bitches in Party Girl and Dazed and Confused or harried molls in You've Got Mail and Superman Returns, but Hollywood never seemed quite sure what to do with her. She was too quirky for leading roles in anything but indies and her one shot at a TV shows — Fox's The Return of Jezebel James — was such an awful concept that the network failed to promote it, and it was dead on arrival. But recently Ms. Posey (cause she's nasty) has been clawing her way back to the top. She wowed the critics in the overlooked romantic comedy Broken English and she's been wowing middle Americans by playing a borderline bonkers politician on The Good Wife. People who have no idea what Sundance even is think she's great as Eli Gold's ex-wife. Why can't someone turn that into a hit? Can't we get her at the center of a Bridesmaids-style lady comedy (she's worked with the comedic geniuses behind Best in Show and A Mighty Wind) or a sitcom of her own (maybe one about a 30-something attorney who has a mental breakdown, quits her job, and has to find the meaning of her life all over again)? And can we please, please have her play Zooey D's older sister on New Girl? Please? If her little stint on Louie has proven anything, it's that Parker Posey still has a lot of life in her and is doing some of the best work of her career. Now if only everyone could be as smart as Louis C.K. and start giving her a whole lot more work. A Parker Posey is a terrible thing to waste. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Louie' Recap: The Ballad of Tape Recorder 'Louie' Recap: 40-Love Sundance 2012: Parker Posey to Host Film Festival Awards Ceremony