Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • AMC Theaters Bans Costumes at 'Dark Knight Rises' Screenings
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 20, 2012
    The opening weekend of any big comic book blockbuster is more like a celebration than anything else, usually with movie goers arriving in costumes, wearing masks, and carrying props of their favorite characters in the movie. Following the tragic shooting at an Aurora, Colorado, screening that's not going to be the case at screenings this weekend. AMC Theaters, one of the country's largest theater chains, is banning all costumes from their theaters this weekend. According to Deadline, the company released a statement saying, it's banning anyone in the theater "in costumes that make other guests feel uncomfortable and we will not permit face-covering masks or fake weapons inside our buildings." The statement also said that it is stepping up uniformed security at all its locations in addition to working with local authorities. People who have already purchased tickets to screenings this weekend can also get refunds or exchange tickets for a later showing of the movie. It's definitely not going to be as much of a party at the Batman movie as many fans intended, but they're all going to be safe. More: Will People Head to the Theater for 'Dark Knight Rises?' Everyone Should Go to the Movies This Weekend 'Dark Knight Rises' Shootings: NYPD to Secure All Movie Theaters
  • Everyone Should Go to the Movies This Weekend
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 20, 2012
    The buzz surrounding The Dark Knight Rises has been deafening for weeks, as everyone rushed to get tickets to go see one of the most anticipated movies of the year, certainly — and maybe the decade. As crowds packed midnight screenings last night, that buzz tragically shifted when a shooter opened fire at an Aurora, Colo., movie theater, killing 12 and injuring as many as 70 people. This is certainly a tragedy, but don't let fear keep you from going to the movies. In fact, everyone should go to the movies this weekend. Today people are considering whether or not to use the tickets they already bought to go see the movie. Some are nervous that it's going to happen again and some people, it seems, are planning to keep out of movie theaters in general for a long time. Why? While it's still unclear just what the motivations behind alleged shooter James Holmes' attack were, it was a obviously a random act of senseless violence committed by someone who is almost certainly unbalanced. This is not an instance of a conspiracy of attacks that are going to be rolling out in theaters across the country, injuring and killing even more. Even if it were, the police patrols at movie theaters will serve to prevent any similar attacks from taking place. This is not going to happen again. You cannot live your life in fear. Horrible things can happen every time you leave your front door. People get hit by buses, people get struck by lightening, heck, people die on roller coasters, but that doesn't mean you should never go anywhere or do anything ever again. Even if you didn't, you could get cancer as fast as you make a cell phone call to the outside world to find out what is going on out there. Everyone can take precautions, but there is no way to protect yourself, and you shouldn't let one mad man keep you from living your life or doing something you've planned on doing for months. It's become so glib to say that if you don't go to the movie then the terrorists win, but, in this case, they do. They really do. That's why this weekend, we're all going to the movies. Every last one of us should pack the car and get some popcorn. After all, hitting the multiplex is one of the great American pastimes. Everyone loves going to the movies, no matter what kind of movies you like to go see. It is one of the few things that bring us all together as a culture in this fractured America. What better way to show your solidarity with those who were killed and injured than by going to the movies? They weren't just casual movie fans — these were people at a midnight screening of the newest Batman movie. These are serious pop culture junkies. These are fanboys and girls who have waited months and years not only to see this flick, but to be among the first in the country to do so. These people are hardcore. Isn't going out and doing one of the things they loved the most the most fitting tribute? So, get your tickets now, folks. If you have tickets to Dark Knight, then use them. But you don't have to go see Dark Knight. Just go see something. Go see The Amazing Spider-Man or To Rome with Love. Go see Magic Mike (it's not as frivolous as you think) or Ted (which is just as frivolous as you think). Go take the kids to see Brave or take a Real Housewives fan to see The Queen of Versailles. Heck, even go see That's My Boy. Okay, well, maybe don't go that far, but get out there and go to the movies, everyone. Let's show our strength and solidarity by celebrating the thing that we love in public, not cowering in fear alone in our houses. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Getty Images] More: Will People Head to the Theater for 'Dark Knight Rises?' Gunman Kills At Least 12 at 'Dark Knight Rises' Midnight Screening 'Dark Knight Rises' Shootings: NYPD to Secure All Movie Theaters
  • Holy Crap, Jennifer Jason Leigh Is Going to Be on 'Revenge'
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 19, 2012
    This post is being written by a ghost because the writer and Revenge superfan known as Brian Moylan is dead. He keeled over in a state of joy when he heard that Jennifer Jason Leigh is going to be co-starring in the second season of Revenge, which is a much better place for this noted screen actress than in the nine jillionth season of Weeds, which is where she is now. And get this — she's going to play Emily's mom! There hasn't been a better casting moment since Joan Collins lifted up that black veil in the first episode of the second season of Dynasty and revealed the queen bitch of all of television. I mean, this is Jennifer Jason Leigh! Do you remember the s**t she pulled in Single White Female? And now she's going to be on Revenge! Madeleine Stowe better sharpen her knives and thaw out her frozen forehead because between these two mean girls and Amanda Clarke/Emily Thorne #1 (who is a blonde billionaire with ninja powers) and Amanda Clarke/Emily Thorne #2 (who is a murderous stripper), there are going to be some serious cat fights this season. We don't know much about her character other than that Emily/Amanda thought that her mother was dead but she was secretly alive the whole time. We'll find out why she disappeared and where she's been hiding. The show's creator Mike Kelley told that she has "deep psychological issues." Like she's going to move into Grayson Manor and take over Victoria Grayson's life? Someone is going to have to bring me back to life before September 21, because I can not wait one more moment for Season 2. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit:] More: 2012 Emmy Longshots: 'Revenge' Diva in Residence Madeline Stowe 'Revenge': How Could You Leave Us Like This? 16 Frustrating Unanswered Questions Get Red Hot Like 'Revenge,' Plus More TV Summer Style Trends
  • What Does Your Favorite Batman Say About You?
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 19, 2012
    There are more Batmans in pop culture than there are names that start with K in the Kardashian dynasty. But, like snowflakes (and Kardashians), every one is a little bit different. Yes, depending on which version of the Caped Crusader you like the best, we can learn a lot about your personality. Look below for the Dark Knight that you like the best — I can tell you a thing or two about your deepest thoughts. Think of it as kind of like the Magic Eight Ball, but about half as accurate. (Okay, not accurate at all.) Comic Book Batman: He's been around since 1939. The one from the DC funny pages is still your jam. What It Says About You: You like everything the way it always used to be: Coke Classic, Original Recipe KFC, Nacho-flavored Doritos. No Cool Ranch for you. No, that's too new-fangled. You often start conversations about movies with, "Well, in the book... " You say that you don't watch television, but you never miss an episode of Fringe on the Internet and you sent a letter to Fox asking that Alcatraz not get canceled. There is a half-used bottle of ProActive in your medicine cabinet. TV Show Batman: The campy Adam West character — tights and all — is still the first exposure many had to the hero. What It Says About You: Hi Dad! Yes, if this is your favorite, you are either my father, a fan of Family Guy, or someone who has a severe Spandex fetish. If you are actually my father, you are already all three. Don't worry, I won't tell mom. Superfriends Batman: Batman and his tart Robin were major figures in this '70s Justice League cartoon. What It Says About You: You probably live within 10 miles of your parents' house and still bring your laundry over when your mom makes you dinner. You pretend like watching Adult Swim makes you an actual adult, but it doesn't really. Maybe watching Breaking Bad and being an expert at Call of Duty does, but not really. You eat a lot of Cap'n Crunch. You own way too many T-shirts and you should probably throw out those Tevas. Gross! Michael Keaton Batman: Tim Burton's controversial choice for his two flicks. This guy's career never really took off after the movies. What It Says About You: You own a semi-ironic Saved by the Bell T-shirt but you don't wear it out that often because you usually wear all black. You hate Christmas and prefer to listen to albums (which you still refer to only as "records") on vinyl. You think that you are playing devil's advocate, but you have a tendency to like all the things that other people hate and hate things everyone loves. Is that your deal with Christmas? Your favorite show is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, mostly because it's not that popular. Val Kilmer Batman: This notoriously difficult-to-work-with replacement for Keaton starred in one movie and then got fat. What It Says About You: Come on, this isn't anyone's favorite. George Clooney Batman: The burgeoning superstar had nipples on his Batsuit in Batman & Robin. What It Says About You: No matter what he does, your boyfriend is never going to be good enough. You have seen every episode of The Bachelor and while you sneer at the girls on it, you really wish that the producers would ask you to try out. You drink too much wine and stopped watching Grey's Anatomy three seasons ago, but you still buy the soundtracks. You own too many scarves. You consider yourself "a Carrie." Batman: The Animated Series Batman: This '90s staple was beloved by more than the after-school set. What It Says About You: Your first apartment is really nice, but it really could use some sprucing up and maybe something not from IKEA. You steal most of your "content" from the shadier places of the Internet, not because you can't afford cable, but you somehow feel entitled to not pay for anything. You love mash-up videos on YouTube and usually go to midnight screenings and act like you're not so incredibly excited about the latest blockbuster. But on the inside, you could pee your pants with anticipation. You sneak a flask into the movie. You'd be so embarrassed if your girlfriend knew how big your porn stash is. Christian Bale Batman: Sure, there are plenty of people who love The Joker, but the actual guy in the Batsuit has been the passed-over rasp of Christopher Nolan's trilogy. What It Says About You: How's Fifty Shades of Grey? You're probably loving it. You say that you just want to know what everyone is talking about, but you are really, really into it. You even read it while waiting for a midnight screening of Magic Mike. You don't have a boyfriend right now, but you know that when you do, he will be really really special and love you for who you really are inside. You are Team Jacob. You keep a pair of "work shoes" under your desk so you can wear flats on your commute. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: What Your Favorite Snow White Says About You What Your Favorite Vampire Says About You
  • Why Reality TV Show Judges Don't Matter
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 18, 2012
    Thanks to the recent defection of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler from American Idol, we are smack dab in the middle of another round of pop culture-obsessed Americans' (least?) favorite game: "Who should judge Idol?" After all, as soon as Charlie Sheen's name enters into the conversation, you know fans are desperate for any shred of casting news. But here's something that hard-at-work casting producers might not necessarily want to hear: Despite all the headlines, fans do not care who judges your show. Period. And that's what makes this news cycle so frustrating. We sit around for months bandying about names and waiting for networks to finally decide on a celebrity or two. And then, when the celebs start judging, they leave plenty to be desired. Let's face it: J. Lo and Tyler were both abominable judges on Idol. Yes, they were, despite any entertainment value Steven's flowery prose and J. Lo's skin-tight catsuits might have brought to the show. They were personalities, sure, but they never even really judged. (And, no, "Oh, good job, buy my perfume and wait for me to perform my new hit single" or "Garble garble garble sea hag incantation Aerosmith WHEEEEEEE" does not count as judging.) Even worse, they refused to call out performances that were inarguably terrible on the show. (Remember Joshua Ledet and Phillip Phillips' "You've Lost That Loving Feeling"?)   What's more troubling is we will have to continue to cope with A-list passivity on Idol's bastard step-child The X-Factor, a reality series that decided to overhaul the show by overhauling the judges. After canning Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger, and dreamy host Steve Jones in hopes that its personalities were the reason the show wasn't a ratings juggernaut, the producers hired big-name trainwrecks Britney Spears (against her best interests) and Demi Lovato, not because they have any experience with helping guide people's careers (Britney still isn't even in charge of her own finances), but because you'll tune in to see how they behave. Perhaps instead of upping the star power of the panel, Simon Cowell should have reevaluated the series' format in order to differentiate it from every other singing competition out there (and there are plenty). Maybe with one less celebrity or two.  Shelling out for A-list judges is nothing but a quick fix. Yes, everyone will tune in to see a live Spears for the first few weeks, but Idol and the UK's X Factor didn't become unstoppable because of their judges. Instead, Idol and X Factor can credit former no-names like Kelly Clarkson and Leona Lewis for their success. Most fans watch singing competitions for the talent — to see little kids with big dreams belt out songs on the stage. If you want proof of this, just look to America's Got Talent, a series that replaced Piers Morgan (a nobody pre-Celebrity Apprentice and CNN) with Howard Stern (a big fat famous person) and saw the ratings actually go down. And you know what? Morgan was a better judge anyway! That's precisely the danger to hiring high-wattage stars. It was inevitable that J Lo. (and Ellen DeGeneres before her) would be so worried about what her comments towards the fledgling singers would do to tarnish her own reputation that she would do nothing but heap praise on everyone. And, as Cowell proved, the most successful reality judges are the ones who are going to be honest — or at least mean enough to make for good TV. At one point, Cowell knew that it was the contestants that people cared about, not the warm bodies clutching Coca-Cola cups padding out the rest of the live show. And if one of those warm bodies happened to insult one of those contestants — well, even more reason for fans to care.  It's true The Voice managed to turn this whole concept on its head. Unlike with Idol, TV fans actually do watch the NBC singing series to see Christian, Adam, Cee Lo, and Blake. The talent is there, but mostly to give the judges something to do for two hours. But The Voice has never made any pretense about the (un)importance of its contestants. Commercials, posters, marketing — NBC asked TV viewers to pay attention only to the famous foursome. And we followed suit. But Idol and X Factor — two series that ask viewers to fixate on their contestants for months on end — have trouble balancing both attention to star power and to the anonymous faces. Perhaps you can't have it both. Just see Duets, which continues to flame out despite having Kelly Clarkson on its side.  Yes, it turns out the people who made Kelly famous on a reality show don't really care to see her star on one after she's become famous. Because fame is not what Idol or X Factor fans care about. So, other than keeping Idol in the press while Ryan Seacrest's roots grow in over the summer, this discussion is totally pointless. People are going to watch Idol or not watch Idol based on the quality of its contestants. If we see singers with great stories who movie us, we will set our DVRs and set our fingers in a flurry of text voting. Sure, Paula's droopiness and Simon's testiness might entertain us while we're watching, but it's simply a fun distraction. Perhaps every singing competition that fears sagging ratings should focus on true innovation rather than blowing the big bucks on known quantities to sit behind a table. Just like in a courtroom, if America is serving as the jury, we're more interested in the case than the person wearing the robe. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Dear Britney: Doing 'The X Factor' Is a Really Bad Idea Charlie Sheen on 'Idol': 'I Could Give These Kids Guidance Without Leading Them to Suicide' 'America's Got Talent' Ratings: Howard Stern Casting Didn't Quite Go as Planned
  • Dear Madonna: It's Time to Knock Off the Desperate Stunts
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 18, 2012
    When Madonna masturbated on a bed during the Blond Ambition Tour (you know, the one in Truth or Dare) all of her fans cheered because it was scandalous, well-choreographed, and rather moving. When she got up on a disco ball crucifix on her Confessions Tour, it was a bit of an empty gesture to try to provoke a response from the Catholic Church (it got one) but it looked really cool so we went along with it. But now, on her MDNA tour, all the stunts she's pulling are just looking... well, sad. Monday night in London, Madonna brought some loaded guns out on stage and pointed them to her head and other body parts south of the border. This is after she's flashed her butt, her nipple (more than once), and a swastika. Really, Madonna, just knock it off. I'm not saying she shouldn't be political and provocative (that's sort of like asking a doughnut to not be delicious) it's just that there are certain behaviors that are above Madonna, including these. I mean, really? Guns to the head? Oh, that's trying so hard to edgy that it is as edgy as a kitten in a basket of fresh laundry. And Hollywood's most desperate starlet Lindsay Lohan just did it. You know when you're copying Lohan that it's really hard up. It looks like the ad for the Material Girl's new fragrance... if she had a perfume called Desperation. When she shows off her body like this, she doesn't look like the sexual provocateur like she did back in the days of the Sex book, she looks like an old lady trying to hang onto her relevance with bland stunts. It's like she sees Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Rihanna, and the rest of the world knocking at the door and she feels like she needs to up her game. How? With cheap ploys designed to get headlines. Or maybe this gun stunt was just to distract fromt he fact that she cancelled her Australian tour dates without reason. Madonna has always gotten headlines, whether it was for her "Justify My Love" video that was so raunchy it got banned from MTV or for having a crying African-American Jesus in her Pepsi-sponsored "Like a Prayer" video. But those headlines were always to further her art (yes, music videos can be art too). Her pre-planned nip slip is not only kind of gross, but also seems to be provocation for provocations sake. Maybe it's just the preponderance of attention-grabbing stunts that are turning me off. Before Madonna had a message and stuck to it, whether it was an anti-Catholic sentiment, sexual liberation, or a very graphic sort of self-love. Now it just seems like the message is attention, any way she can get it. Madonna is the goddess of reinvention and one of the few pop icons left in this sad and lonely world. This look-at-me, look-at-me flailing is something befitting someone just coming up in the industry (hey, Ke$ha, how's your dollar sign doing?), not a veteran who has proved that her envelope goes a whole lot further than the rest of ours. All of this other nonsense is taking away from what might be the hottest moment of the show: when Madonna takes her much younger boyfriend out on stage to bump and grind on him for a bit. Not only is that a message we can get behind (older women are sexy too!), it also has a little something to do with the real reason we will always love Madge: the music. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit:] More: Surprise! Madonna's NSFW Nip-Flashing Moment Madonna Gets Sued Over 'Vogue' Sample Madonna's International Flesh-Fest Tour: Now She Flashes Paris — VIDEO & PICS
  • A Non-Geek's Guide to Batman
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 17, 2012
    You don't know that The Dark Knight Rises comes out on Friday? Wait, you don't know who Batman is? What kind of cave have you been living in? Not a bat cave, obviously. Wow, you really need some help — not just psychologically, but knowing just what the heck the caped crusader is all about. We're going to answer all your questions below. Who is Batman? Are you kidding me with this? Honestly? No, I really have no clue who he is. Fine, but we're not doing this for Harry Potter, Santa Claus, and the Beatles. It's not my fault you are culturally illiterate. Okay, so Batman is a comic book super hero who made his debut in 1939 in DC Comics. What are his super powers? Well, he doesn't have any powers. He's a billionaire named Bruce Wayne who is a skilled fighter and has all these cool gadgets and stuff that he keeps on a utility belt. So his power is basically that he's really rich. Where did he get his money? From his parents who are usually classified as "industrialists," but it seems like they run some sort of defense company. Like Halliburton? Yes, Bruce Wayne is basically just Dick Cheney with a worse attitude and a mask. But the parents aren't around anymore because when he was a young boy, Bruce watched them be murdered by muggers. Right in front of him. That's why he learned how to be a super awesome kung fu expert who fights crime at night while being a billionaire playboy by day. Aren't playboy activities like going to parties, getting drunk in night clubs, and sleeping with hookers usually nighttime activities as well? Hey, no one said it was easy. If Batman is only in comics, why should I know who he is? Are you kidding me with this? Seriously? Okay, there was a TV show in the '60s where Adam West— You mean the mayor of Quahog? So, you watch Family Guy but you have no idea who Batman is? You're crazy. Yes, Adam West played Batman in the '60s and it was an incredibly popular if campy show in which Batman and his sidekick, Robin, faced off against a bunch of different villains. Then Tim Burton made a Batman movie in 1989 and a few sequels. And then Christopher Nolan started the whole thing over again in 2005. Who is this Robin lady? He's not a lady. Robin is Batman's sidekick and partner-in-crime. Originally he was Dick Grayson, Batman's "ward" who was a circus acrobat whose parents died in an accident. Batman took him under his wing (har har) and made him into a high-flying crime fighter. Since then, in the comics at least, there have been a few different Robins. Are they gay? Some people kind of think so, but ostensibly, they are not. But, you know, they also kind of are. So, why is everyone talking about Batman now? Because on Friday the final movie in Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, The Dark Knight Rises comes out. These are different from the '90s movies? God, yes. Are you even listening? Tim Burton made two, Batman and Batman Returns both starring Michael Keaton as Batman. Then Joel Schumacher made two, Batman Forever with Val Kilmer and Batman & Robin with George Clooney. There were nipples on the Batsuit. God, that sounds awful. They were. The sequels got put on ice until Christopher Nolan took over. He rebooted the series. Batman wears boots? No, that means they restarted the movie's mythology from the beginning. Gosh, you really are a simpleton, aren't you? So, in the first movie, Batman Begins, Batman is played by Christian Bale and after he sees his parents killed he's all moody and sad and emo and listens to The Smiths a lot and goes off on a quest to become the ultimate ninja badass. Then he comes back and has to kill Ra's al Ghul, one of the men who trained him in super secret ninja arts. He also defeats the Scarecrow, who uses a drug to make people very afraid. Katie Holmes was in it. The one who divorced Tom Cruise? The very same. Wow, she's very famous. So this movie must have been popular? Oh god yes, but not as popular as the second movie The Dark Knight, which made exactly $17 bazillion (okay, actually $533 million domestically) and is the third highest-grossing U.S. movie of all time. In this sequel, Batman takes on his traditional archenemy The Joker, who is a psychopath with a white face and grin plastered on it. He sounds like a clown. Exactly. He's like a clown with a really warped sense of humor. He was played by Cesar Romero on TV and Jack Nicholson in the 1989 movie. Heath Ledger, who died after filming the movie but before it came out, won a posthumous Oscar for his role in the film. He was really quite awesome. Are there any other characters that I should know about? Well, there is Alfred, who plays Batman's tireless and humorous butler. In the Nolan movies he's played by Michael Caine. There is also Catwoman, who is a feline-inspired baddy who has been in lots of Batman stories and is in The Dark Knight Rises, played by Anne Hathaway. I don't like her. What are you talking about? You don't even know who Batman is. How are you gonna talk smack about Anne Hathaway? I just don't. I'm sorry. That's stupid. Then you probably hate Tom Hardy, who plays Bane, the other baddie in Dark Knight Rises, who is like a 'roided out strong man with ties to Occupy Wall Street or something. What does OWS have to do with any of this? I don't know, I haven't seen the movie yet! Then why are you the one teaching me all about Batman if you don't even know how it ends? Well, I kind of do, because David Letterman ruined it for everyone. Maybe you should go see the movie and then tell me what happens. Please, you're not going to go see the movie anyway. You don't even know who Batman is. What is wrong with you?  Wait, wait. Is Batman the one with the cape and the pointy ears and the yellow belt? Yes! Oh, I totally know who that is. Nevermind. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Negative 'Dark Knight' Reviews Send Internet Commenters Off the Deep End A Non-Geek's Guide to 'The Avengers' The Non-Geek's Guide to Spider-Man
  • Negative 'Dark Knight' Reviews Send Internet Commenters Off the Deep End
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 17, 2012
    It's an old adage that everyone is a critic, but now that we have the newfangled internet, not only is everyone a critic, but everyone has a voice and a platform to share their criticism. But now things are spiraling out of control thanks to the anonymous critics in internet comments critiquing movie critics' critiques. What a headache! The whole thing started yesterday when Rotten Tomatoes, everyone's favorite movie review aggregation website, posted two early negative reviews of the highly-anticipated blockbuster The Dark Knight Rises, hitting theaters this Friday, July 20. (Since yesterday there have been more critics claiming the film ain't all that added to the site.) One was by Marshall Fine of the blog Hollywood and Fine and the other by Associated Press critic Christy Lemire. The commenters on the site reacted with such hatred and vitriol, hurling insults and misogynistic barbs, that Rotten Tomatoes responded by shutting off the comments on the whole site. The site's editor-in-chief explained his decision with a request that users "don't be a dick," a call that will most likely go unheeded by the churning masses of the internet. Fine's website also seems to be under some sort of hacker attack or is just getting so much traffic thanks to this kerfuffle that it can't handle it all. You currently can't access his reviews and his slam has been taken off of Rotten Tomatoes (at his request so he doesn't have to deal with any more drama from his detractors). This is all because the collective unconscious of the internet has decided that DNR is the greatest movie ever and anyone who disagrees should be destroyed. Yes, now everyone with a keyboard and a WiFi connection is a caped crusader. The plague seems like it's spreading too. On's review by veteran critic Lisa Schwarzbaum, users reacted to her middling "B" review with calls for her to be fired and saying that she has no idea what she's talking about or taste in movies. Here is what one nonsensical commenter wrote, "That was the wordiest review I've ever read...that told me absolutely nothing! I don't need this horribly written review to tell me what I already know...I will like this'll be good." If you already know this, anonymous internet troll, then why are you reading reviews in the first place? And are you such an mindless lemming that you will like this movie regardless of what is in it? This argument makes absolutely no sense. It's like saying you love driving a new car because you spotted it in the parking lot. And just what are these people angry about? They seem to be disagreeing with critics about a movie they haven't even seen yet. How does the internet hive mind know that it's good or bad when the masses aren't allowed to see the flick until midnight on Thursday evening? They don't, which makes this reaction not only overblown but also based on absolutely nothing. Yes, everyone is a critic, but why can't they at least shut the hell up until after they've seen the damn movie, already? They might find that some of these movie reviewers might actually have a valid point or two. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Premiere: Black and White and (Not) Red All Over 'Dark Knight Rises' Actor Matthew Modine Compares Christopher Nolan and Stanley Kubrick 'Dark Knight Rises' Villain Bane: 10 Places We Want Him to Pop Up
  • 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: Fake Leg Fall Down
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 17, 2012
    Guys, Sonja Tremont Morgan, who will once and forever be my favorite Real Bandercoot of New York Schnizzy, put her face in the bidet. OK, let's back that up. Sonja T. Morgan put her face in a bidet. Here are all the reasons why this is crazy:  1. She pronounces it "B day" as in the 24 hours after "A day." 2. She approaches this as if it is something normal. It is not. 3. She approaches this as if it is something normal that she has done before, possibly on more than one occasion, which means that she has a bidet in her house (which is weird) or that this is something she does every time she stays in a hotel with a bidet (which is weird). 4. The real purpose of a bidet is to wash the poop out of your butt. Yes, poop and butts. That means that Sonja's face is now basically covered in poop molecules. If you looked at her face under a microscope it would look like a swab of the subway platform after a bum peed on it and some sorority girl puked up six pomegranate martinis. 5. She doesn't just wash her face in the bidet, she fills it with ice, then fills it with water and ices her face. Why does one need to ice one's entire face in a context that has nothing to do with losing a boxing match? 6. Why do I want to try this? It does seem kind of fun. Except for the poop particles. 7. When LuAnn (or some other rational person) asks why Sonja doesn't ice her face in the sink, she replies, "The B Day is deeper." That actually makes a whole lot of sense. As far as I am concerned, this is the only thing that happened on the women's trip to London. In fact, it wasn't a trip to London as much as it was a trip to a hotel with a bidet that Sonja Tremont Morgan put her face in. Sure, there was an excursion to play croakee, which is the Australian version of crouquet, and some BS about how Carole Radziwill is sick of the Countess always trying to one up her in conversation like one of the Kristin Wiig characters on SNL that people talk about (but I don't watch that show because there is a severe lack of ice in bidets). That is a stupid manufactured fight. Well, sure it is annoying and my BFF 4Eva LYLAS Carole was totally right to be annoyed, but in the reel of Housewife fights, that is like when your boyfriend forgets to record something on the DVR even though you told him twice to tape it for you because you were getting home late from work and you want to see who got kicked off Glass House but then you get home and he's passed out on the couch with MSNBC on and mustard on his shirt and there is nothing on the DVR except for all the episodes of Deadliest Catch that he will never get around to watching and Fried Green Tomatoes (Fried Green Tomatoes!!!) because he is some cultural illiterate who has never seen the second best movie of Kathy Bates' career and taped it off HBO even though it is on demand and he can watch it there but no then you yell at him and he says sorry and goes back to bed. That is what this fight was like, except the Housewives would never eat mustard (all those calories!) What else happened this episode? Eh, not much. I gotta say, I like these new Housewives (especially Carole) but I think the problem is that they are actual real interesting human beings with jobs and aspirations and real money. I think that makes for boring Housewives. Like, I would actually want to have dinner with Carole and Heather (if only to make fun of the way she talks) and even ¡Que Viva! (if only to make fun of her for being a Mexican soap opera). Everyone in New York is invited to my house for dinner. That makes them cool, but not really great TV. I think the best Housewives are kind of strivers, like the ones in ATL and OC or the ones that are so filthy rich that they're using their wealth to cover up whole universes of darkness, like trying to stuff a black hole full of Benjamins. These new Housewives, well, they're a little Snoozeville, to be honest. I mean, look at ¡Que Viva! who is a Mexican soap opera but hasn't really had one subplot worth mentioning. And then, at her own anniversary party, she falls down the steps on her fake leg and gets back up and makes a joke about it and handles it like a natural graceful human being. Where is the yelling and screaming? Where is the crying and accusing Sonja of being a bad friend for making her climb up stairs? Then, at the party, her husband Taco, who is completely lacking of spice or context, gets up and gives a speech and it's nice and heartfelt and wonderful and he says, "When you fall, I feel the pain." And we all go "Awwwwwww" like Stephanie Tanner just learned a lesson on Full House and they are like normal people. Not even funny, bitchy normal people like Bethenny or the one normal person in a catacomb of banshees like Brianna (on OC) but just like a bunch of normal people who are having a normal party at the Empire room. Next:
  • 'Big Brother' Recap: A Night at the Races
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 16, 2012
    The worst thing about Big Brother — my favorite two months obsessing about the social, mating, and grooming habits of a bunch of yahoos — is that all the yahoos insist on using slogans from the Pee-Wee Football League's book of pep talks. "Go big or go home." "I'm here to play hard." Or, in the immortal words of Wig — sorry, I mean Wil (but with his abominable hair that seem to be an appropriate slip) — "The game have begun." Oh yes, the game certainly have begun, Wig, and last night we got our first two nominees for eviction. Willie Hantz, sister Satan spawn of Survivor villain Russell Hantz, put up Kara (who has differentiated herself by having boobs and hair and nothing else) and Frank (who has differentiated himself by having big hair so that means he is two steps behind Kara) for eviction. This shows that Willie is going big and that means that, very soon, he will be going home. Willie is only HoH this week because Brittany nominated him, but he seems like the quintessential player that comes out of the gate fighting hard and trying to make too many alliances and strategies. After a few weeks, people will think, "Man, this guy is playing way too hard and is exhausting, let's get him out of here." Willie goes and makes a deal with Frank because he is handsome and has that magic hair. It is a coif that was knitted by elves and made with the fallen strands of hair from unicorn tails. Like the blue crown with which Marge Simpson rules the universe, so does Frank's hair enchant all that look onto it. It makes him the most popular. It makes everyone fall in love with him. Our Sampson, our brand new Sampson. Anyway, because of the magic hair, Willie brings him into the HoH room and makes a deal to go to the end with him. Then he nominates him. Yes, Willie is playing way too hard. Now, pissing everyone off and making all sorts of deals and side deals and back deals may have worked for Russell on Survivor but it's never going to work on BB. The difference is that all you need to not get voted out on Survivor is numbers or an immunity idol. Because of the structure of Big Brother it doesn't matter if you don't have one ally in the whole damn house, you can still escape eviction by being HoH and making sure someone in the ruling tribe gets voted out. This is a totally different game and needs a more subtle and pliable strategy to make it to the end. So far Willie's strategy is about as subtle as a piano falling on Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert. This includes the shocking realization that Willie is related to Russell Hantz, which he lied about even though everyone already figured out because they look more alike than Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen wearing the latest in Amish fashion on a red carpet. This just highlights my very wise colleague Kate Ward's observation that lying about stupid things on Big Brother