Author

Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • 2012 Emmy Longshots: 'Revenge' Diva in Residence Madeline Stowe
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 16, 2012
    You love them, we love them, and it's high time Emmy recognized them. We're talking about the TV actors and actresses who have yet to be recognized by the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences, despite drawing us in week in and week out with their awe-inspiring ability to make us laugh, cry, or a weird combination of both. So every day here at Hollywood.com, we're going to be saluting those on the small screen who deserve an Emmy nomination, longshot status be damned. Today, we cast our ballot for Revenge's own Victoria Grayson, Madeline Stowe. Just ask Joan Collins, Madonna, or Elton John — being bitchy isn't easy. Sure, everyone thinks having a harsh rejoinder, icy stare, and snarling rebuke ready at every turn is as easy as putting in a DVD of Mommie Dearest, but it is not. Do it wrong and you end up a camp caricature. Don't give it enough venom and you end up looking like a whiner. Too much awfulness and everyone wants to pelt you with cowpies like you're King Joffrey on Game of Thrones. But Madeline Stowe has found just the right combination of power, vitriol, control, and vulnerability on Revenge. And all without the use of her forehead muscles. Yes, Victoria Grayson is the perfect character for the Botox age, a villainess whose lack of facial mobility doesn't hinder her reign of terror over the tony Hamptons party set. She has logged enough social capital that even a rich ex-husband, a crazy double-crossing billionaire next door hell bent on destroying her, and the world's worst party planner-turned-personal assistant can't take her down from her throne. All hail Queen Victoria! Just consider this scene, where Victoria totally destroys her best friend Lydia (Amber Valletta, who is the best horrible actress on television). She does it right there in public with a smile on her face and a glint in her eye. She makes it look like Lydia has won and that everything is sunny and beautiful in their summer paradise, when Victoria is really banishing her from polite society forever. And she brazenly does it in public. Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke could stand to learn a thing or two from her. The great thing about the character over the course of the season is that she isn't just a hard-hearted woman out of evil. As we learn more about her thwarted relationships, reluctant participation in a terrorist cover-up, and just how far she'll go to protect her children, we're starting to see that there's something warm deep down in her insides. She has a strength that comes from within and sometimes it boils over as a pang of regret, even though more often you see it as a gloved slap to the face. So often on television dramas you see the characters boiling over into histrionics and crying jags and pleading scenes where they're just asking for one man to love her. Never Ms. Stowe. It is all about control with her, not only of the other people around her, but over her own emotions. So often the Emmy goes to someone who is completely unhinged (congratulations on your inevitable victory, Claire Danes) but I think it's time that we bestow a trophy for the rarest of dramatic gifts: restraint. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 2012 Emmy Longshots: 'Happy Endings' Bear-in-Winter Adam Pally 2012 Emmy Longshots: 'Once Upon a Time' Wild Card Robert Carlyle 2012 Emmy Longshots: 'Mad Men' Stunner Kiernan Shipka
  • The 10 Books You Need to Read Before Seeing 'The Dark Knight Rises'
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 16, 2012
    If you're going to dare going to a midnight screening of the latest Batman film, The Dark Knight Rises, watching director Christopher Nolan's first two films might not be enough preparation. You might have to do some reading as well. Not only to appease the caped and cowled fanboys who will surely be staking out the multiplex, but also so that you'll have a deep understanding of the film's characters, where they came from, and just why Anne Hathaway feels compelled to act like a cat. So here are some graphic novels (and a real actual book or two without pictures) to pick up at your local comic shop before you buy your ticket. Don't worry, this is homework you'll enjoy for a change. Batman: The Dark Knight Returns: Frank Miller's book is not only a classic Batman tale, but a classic of the comics genre in general. In it, Bruce Wayne lives in a world that is completely decimated, without heroes or hope. This seems to be more in line with The Dark Knight, Nolan's last movie, than the upcoming one (just as there are echos of Miller's other classic Batman: Year One in Batman Begins), but you need to know where the story has been to fully understand where it is going. Batman: Knightfall!: It's not a spoiler to say that this is the collection where DNR baddie Bane breaks Batman's back, since it's on the cover of the book. This incident is also hinted at in the trailers, so it would seem that this is the tale that had the most influence on the plot of the new movie. We're going to have to wait and find out, but it's better to be prepared. Batman: The Complete History: This is a real, actual book without pictures. Well, there are lots of pictures, but there is a lot of plain text too. If you want to know every detail about the caped crusader, from his first comic books to the movies in which the Batsuit had nipples, this well-researched tome is just the thing for you. Batman: Killing Joke: Frank Miller may have revived the Batman myth, but another famous comic writer did something amazing with the villains. Alan Moore (of Watchmen fame) tells the Joker's origin story from his perspective while also telling a story about how he tries to drive Commissioner Gordon insane. Of course, Batman figures into it eventually, but like The Dark Knight movie, the real emphasis is on the baddie. Batman: Vengeance of Bane: This compendium of stories about the mumbling baddie featured in the movie includes his first appearance in the comics, his origin story, and a tale about how he teamed up with the creatively spelled evil doer Ra's Al Ghul, the villain from Batman Begins. Batman Vs. Dracula: Vampires are so hot right now. Batman: Arkham Asylum: We caught a glimpse of this Victorian-style sanitarium where the Scarecrow worked in Batman Begins, but this is the book that made it famous and very, very creepy. The institution where all of Batman's bonkers villains are all housed together (who thought that was a good idea?) is taken over by the patients and Batman has to go in and take them out one at a time. The super-creepy artwork only adds to the mythology. Batman: A Death in the Family: When I was in grade school, everyone was talking about this story, in which Robin actually dies. Yes, Robin dies! (Again, it can't be a spoiler if it's on the cover of the gosh darn book.) Of course, it's the Joker's fault and the young crime fighter's death sends Mr. Wayne into an awful tailspin. There's no Robin in Nolan's Bat-iverse, but there certainly is a lot of mourning. When in Rome: Finally, a story that has nothing to do with Batman! This one is all about Catwoman, who travels with the Riddler to Italy to find her father, who she thinks is mobster Carmine Falcone (who was stashed away in Arkham in Batman Begins). That the artwork is inspired by French and Italian fashion magazines is just a stylistic bonus. Back to the Bat Cave: When you think of Batman, who immediately comes to mind? No, not Christian Bale. No, not Michael Keaton either. God, will you just shut up about George Clooney?! No, the man that comes to mind is Adam West, the actor who played the caped crusader on TV in the '60s. Here is his memoir about his years in the tights. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'The Dark Knight Rises' With Bane for IMAX 'The Dark Knight Rises': Is Batman a Modern Day Dickens Character? Could 'Dark Knight Rises' Win Best Picture Oscar?
  • Here Is Who Is Going to Win 'Big Brother' This Year (Maybe)
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 12, 2012
    There are so many reasons to tune into Big Brother — the tacky decor, the screaming fights, the Chenbot's soothingly predictable actions — but the real reason we all watch is to see which of these delusional yahoos is going to win $500,000 for sitting in a house and crying about how they have to eat slop for three months. We all need heroes to root for and villains to hate, hotties to ogle and notties to disparage, and at least one cocktail waitress to drive us absolutely insane. Before the premiere tonight, I'm going to rank them based on, well, not much really. Basically I'll just scan their photo and bio on the CBS website and decide who I think is going to win. I'm just doing this for the newcomers, because we still don't know which four former house guests will joining the house (and just what the separate game they're playing will be). Look below. Ashley: This Southern California cliche lists one of her hobbies as "making dream boards." Seriously. My fist just punched the computer screen. She's probably a vegan. She lists "giving LOVE" as her purpose in life. Lady, you are on a reality TV show that is about being mean and lying to people. You are so done for. Hair: 8 Rank: She'll be out by week three unless she starts a showmance. Danielle: She is a nurse, which means she's kind of smart. She's young and pretty, which means the guys will want her around. She likes "scrapbooking," which is not an actual activity, which means I want her to paper cut her pinky finger a million times. Also, she says her strategy is for people to think she's dumb and not a threat. You know what that sounds like? "Floaters grab a life vest!" Hair: 9 Rank: Top five. Frank: He is unemployed. He spends his days at the beach and working out. (Finally, a good body!) When asked what his BB strategy was, he said, "Absolutely." Um, they weren't asking if you have one. They were asking what it is! Then he says what it is and it's some stupid basketball metaphor where he is "running the show." Um, think again. Hair: 4 Rank: He'll be out week two for playing too hard. Ian: This nerd has an actual collection of glasses. Man, nerds are really good at this show. And his idol is Dr. Will. This kid is a ringer. Hair: 3 Rank: Final two. Jenn: She is a bassist and former member of the band Kittie, which has a song that starts, "I woke up in a pool of vomit." Just saying. Despite her awful hair (see below), her motto is to "ENJOY YO'SELF!" That makes me think she's gonna be pretty badass. Hair: 1 Rank: She'll make it at least half way. Jodi: She says she just wants to "be herself." Usually the people who say that are really annoying. Considering she refers to her "hubby" twice in her bio, she already annoys me. Just wait until everyone in the house gets a hold of her. Hair: 7 Rank: She'll be one of the first five out. Joe: Wow, this father sounds like an actual real human being. Sure, he's a little sappy, but that could be good, right? Also, he's a chef, so you know everyone is going to want to stay on his good side and get him cooking slop cookies or something. Hair: 5 Rank: Final five. JoJo: This bartender from Staten Island says she likes when people are "real" and hates Rachel, probably because she's going to be exactly like her. Her name is short for MoJoJoJo, because she was named after the monkey from Powerpuff Girls. Hair: 7 Rank: "Ask Again Later." Kara: Kara is a model. Excuse me while I remove my finger from my mouth. Hair: 10 Rank: Either the girls will hate her and she's out right away, or the guys will love her and we're stuck with her for good. Shane: His profession is listed as "house flipper." Does that mean he removes them from their foundations and twirls them in the air? He likes to work on his muscles, so that's a possibility. He seems like the kind of normal but cocky guy who can make it to the end with the right alliance. Hair: 2 Rank: If he doesn't go home first, he'll make it to the end. Wil: Yes, with one L. He is the gay this season and he wears a fluorescent green "budgie smuggler," as the Aussies would call it. He says he's not going to tell the housemates his profession even though he's a marketing consultant. What is he going to do, brand them all the way out of the house or something? Hair: -1 billion points Rank: The gay never wins. Willie: The cancer that is the Hantz family continues to spread on CBS. This is the brother of Survivor three-time loser Russell Hantz. His bio is wondrously awful to behold. He describes himself as "serious, hostile and docile," says his favorite things are, "Gambling and strip clubs," and confesses that he lives with his mother. He's so going to be the Evel Dick and just be a jerk to everyone and think that is going to help him win. Hair: What hair? Rank: If we've learned anything from the Hantz clan, it's that bad guys never finish first — usually second. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Big Brother' Unveils New Cast, Big Twist Is ABC's 'The Glass House' a 'Big Brother' Ripoff?
  • Miley Cyrus' Twitter Wisdom Inspired These Cat Posters
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 12, 2012
    I'm not sure how much you know about Disney cash printer Miley Cyrus, but, like any pop star under the age of 20 with a smart phone and cause to gripe, she is on Twitter. Not only is she on Twitter, but her stream reads like it was cribbed off a Successories poster in a guidance counselor's office. The singer loves her glib platitudes and sugary inspirational quotes! She loves them so much she just had one tattooed on her body. This is what it says: "So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." The source? A Theodore Roosevelt speech, which also says it is not the "critic who counts," (Translation to 2012: "don't listen to the haterz.") In celebration of her inky tribute and her penchant for Tweets that sound like greeting cards from the 99 cent store, we decided to gift you all some inspirational Miley Cyrus cat posters. Miley provided the tweets; we provided the cat pictures. Just like Miley and the Hemsworth brother she's engaged to (there are so many I get them all confused), it's a match made in kitty cat heaven. Next time you feel a little down, just print one of these out and slap it up on your wall. Miley will save the day once more. So, which one do you think Miley is choosing? I bet the reality altering one. That sounds like a super power! Wait, Miley, why are you giving us conflicting accounts of how to achieve happiness? Oh, so Miley deserved to be the daughter of a rich pop star who never made her learn grammar. Got it. Me too, sister! Me too! Wow, Miley, my life has been changed. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo credit: Getty Images] More: Miley Cyrus Can't Keep Her Clothes On: Six Degrees of Naked Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Engaged Quick! What Do You See First: Miley Cyrus' Bra or Her Ring?
  • 'Real Housewives of OC' Reunion: Who Won?
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 11, 2012
    The problem with the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion is the same as the problem with all of these cacklefests: they're almost impossible to write about. How can you recap this? It's like trying to recap the noise you hear in a chicken coop that's been shaken by an earthquake. It's just flaps and squawks and posturing and pecking at any spot of blood that might appear between the feathers. No, reunions aren't about what happens — reunions are about who wins. They're about who the fans like the most, once the body glitter dust has settled and we all go into a coma to reassess our lives and our choices in television programming. We all know who the big winner was. It was Tamra's hair. Hahaha! Just kidding. It was not. But it does look like Tamra won a free makeover at Tammy Sue's Set and Curl and Tablecloth Emporium in Branson, Missouri. God, what is up with her crazy Barbara Mandrel hair? Awful. Let's look at some of the other altercations: Vicki Vs. Tamra and Gretchen: I hate to say it, but Vicki looked like a crazy person when trying to talk about her and Tamra's relationship. She also lost the fight to Gretchen about whether or not she was a hypocrite. The problem with Vicki is that she is biologically incapable of admitting that she was wrong. If she ever does, her skin will bubble with green pus-like projections and just fall off of her body in giant patches. When Gretchen confronts her about Brooks and the child support issue, she needed to own up and say what she did to Slade was wrong. Either that or she needed to say, "I used to feel that way, but due to my circumstances now, my mind has changed and I'm sorry for the way I treated you." Is that so hard? Vicki really came off badly this season and she either is too stupid to realize or still being brainwished by her flim-flam man Brooks. Vicki did say something smart that she's said before: "None of us change. We're all our own people." More Housewives need to realize this. They can't change each other, they can't admit their faults, and they are often incapable of doing the right thing. If more people realized that and just moved on, there wouldn't be as many stupid fights (but then we'd probably stop watching). Vicki's hair totally wins for best hair though. Victor: Tamra and Gretchen Alexis Vs. Heather: I will watch Heather Dubrow fight with anyone because she is a pro. By far my favorite of this crew, Heather is just calm, rational, intelligent, and pretty damn cool and will just take you down point by point if you come for her. Also, she is honest so she never has to worry about lying about how many cars she has (Alexis), if she had her lips done (Gretchen), or if her love tank is full or not (Vicki). She's just straight up and you can't ever fight the truth. When Alexis, who is a lump of cotton candy that an eight-year-old put two balloon boobies on and then somehow brought to life, tries to argue about whether or not she's phony, she just sounds like a whiny child. It's probably because she is. Oh, I mean she is phony and she is a whiny child. She is everything. Heather, however, is a clear-headed adult and just mops the floor with Alexis. Then Alexis has to go and talk about how Vicki is flying "on a private jet" with her, just proving everyone's point that she's an awful, vacuous, materialistic harpy. It's also clear that Andy Cohen totally hates "Jesus Juggs" (as Tamra calls her) and totally steers the conversation to make her look bad. I knew I liked that Andy. Oh, and I totally believe that Alexis is awful to the crew and everyone who works at Nordstrom (that this is a plot point makes me want to hang myself from the ceiling fan with my shoelaces). Victor: Heather Andy Cohen Vs. The Bird: Oh, he was totally asking for it. Victor: The Bird Tamra Vs. Gretchen: As Andy Cohen pointed out (I seem to be making this as much about him as he makes it about himself), Tamra and Gretchen would always go after each other at the reunions. This was the first time they were a united front and it was actually quite nice. I don't know whether or not I entirely buy their friendship, but even Tamra admitted that they have to work on it. Tamra also said something quite smart about their fighting: "It's like we were fighting just to fight. It was a vicious cycle of nonsense." Understanding this is what has kept RHOOC fresh while other installments (Atlanta, New York) have gotten a bit stale. This is what got Jill Zarin and company fired. If they had just gotten over the stupid old squabbles and tried to find something new to argue about or how to form new alliances, they would probably still be on their respective shows. The Gretchen and Tamra fight became so convoluted and intractable that it was boring and impossible to watch. Their getting along is the only thing that made this season tolerable. Well, that and new drama. Victor: Everyone Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: The Party's Over 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: Let Them Not Eat Cake 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: River Deep, Housewives High
  • 'White Collar' Premiere: Matthew Bomer Is As Dreamy As Ever
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 11, 2012
    It's been a big year for Matthew Bomer and a lot has changed since the last season of White Collar, his I'm-a-con-man-but-I-work-for-the-feds-and-seduce-ladies-and-hang-with-Kelly-Kapowski USA brocedural (that is a procedural that stars a man). First of all, he came out of the closet, which is a pretty big deal since he plays a sexy ladies' man on the show. Secondly, he played a sexy ladies' man and stripper in Magic Mike, which means his slabs of beefcake have been plastered all over man-loving websites from here to BomerBordello.com and back. Considering his star is on the rise, I thought I'd check this show out for the first time. I will say, I was not disappointed. There were two scenes where Matt Boner — I mean Bomer, sorry — is without his shirt. That's about all the excitement I needed. But shameless flesh aside, the show had some rock-'em, sock-'em action as well. At the end of last season (based only on what happened in the first episode and the "last season on White Collar" montage that started the episode) Neal (Bomer's character) had to take off because the Feds wanted to prosecute him for crimes he committed, possibly something having to do with a whole Scrooge McDuck vault full of treasures and forgeries he found. He winds up in a picturesque tropical island where he spends his days hanging out with Stanford Blatch, Carrie Bradshaw's best friend from Sex and the City, and trying to woo the hot macchiato-colored lady who owns the local cafe. There's also some plot about getting protection from the guy who runs the island and a kid and his papayas, but that was all very silly. Back in New York, Peter Burke, Neal's friend, and his wife Kelly Kapowski are trying to find Neal so that they can warn him that the FBI sent this mean guy named Agent Cooper (a welcome Mekhi Phifer) to find him, dead or alive (just like the Bon Jovi song). They don't know where to look so they find this old lady who is a good friend of Neal's who gives them a pager number to contact him. A pager! Remember those? For all the kids out there, it was sort of like a text message except the only thing you could send was your phone number and then someone had to call you on a land line or one of these things where it was like a cell phone but it was attached to the wall and you had to put a quarter in it to get it to work! Yes. Can you even imagine the inconvenience? Peter pages Neal and he calls him back on a cell phone because this is the future and Neal figures out that he's on beautiful Cape Verde which sounds like a kind of burrito I would order. (Mmmmm. I just figured out what I'm having for lunch!) So, Peter goes to find him but Agent Cooper (not the one from Twin Peaks) is hot on his trail and they both show up in Cape Verde at the same time and Neal uses the papaya kid, the cafe owner he's screwing (thanks to a sand sculpture of the New York skyline, I kid you not), and the guy he paid for protection to escape. Neal and Stanford Blatch and Peter all sail off into the sunset to go to another island and avoid the cops for a little bit longer. But what does this mean for season three? Are they just going to go to a new island every week for Neal to sleep with another lady like it's The Love Boat and Fantasy Island at the same time? I wouldn't mind if they stayed near the beach because the beach means bathing suits and that means shirtlessness and that means my DVR will be set. They've eventually going to have to come back to New York though, because that is where the show is most exciting and, come on, how many tropical locations can one modestly successful cable TV show really afford? Did you guys watch? What did you think of shirtless Matthew Bomer? Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Exclusive: Tim DeKay and Matt Bomer Go Off on a Rhyming Rant in New 'White Collar' Clip Matt Bomer gave Channing Tatum Magic Mike musical idea 'Glee' Star Darren Criss and Matt Bomer Sing and Get Emo as Brothers — VIDEO
  • Watch Bryan Cranston's Stunningly Become Walter White in Under Eight Minutes
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 10, 2012
    If you've ever watched an episode of AMC's meth and ennui cocktail Breaking Bad, then you think the main character, Walter White, is just a bald dude with a goatee, an awful green shirt and a pair of glasses that have been broken more than the heart of all the girls outside of Twilight who eventually realize that RPattz is never going to marry them. Well, it seems like there is a whole lot more involved than having Bryan Cranston, who plays Walter, roll around in the dirt a few times. Cranston showed off the whole rigamarole on The After After Party, which seems to be a local talk show hosted by Steven Michael Quezada, who also plays one of the DEA agents on the show. He says that every day it takes him about 45 minutes to go from normal to meth dealing psychopath, but he has the hair, makeup and wardrobe team from the set turn him from his normal boring self into the world's most demonic chemistry teacher in less than eight minutes. It's damn near astonishing. But then when he actually slips into character, you see just why this guy has won so many damn Emmys. Thanks to our friends at Uproxx for unearthing this (and not making me shave my head).     Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Breaking Bad' Season 5 Promo: Because Walt Says So! 'Breaking Bad' Season 5: What Are Walt and Jesse Up To?The Final Season of 'Breaking Bad' Is a Giant Lie
  • 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: The British Invasion
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 10, 2012
    You know what Judy Garland sang, "A foggy day in London town, it had me low, it had me down." That's how I felt when the fetid winds of fate blew our sour-pussed heroines across the pond and landed them square in the middle of the good old United Kingdom. Honestly, I was a little bit nervous about this trip just based on what all the ladies were wearing when they got out of the plane. First of all, we no longer need to wonder where in the world Carmen San Diego is, because her spirit has possessed my sister wife Sonja Tremont Morgan and is making her dress like she's a spy on the run from INTERPOL. My soon-to-be best friend (and neighbor!) Carole Radziwill was wearing a blue cape and chartreuse driving gloves. It was so daffy that I could say nothing but "Werq!" and wave a finger at her. When everyone arrives in merry olde England, they always take on one of the affectations of the natives. This is a disease known popularly as Madonna Syndrome. Just like Madonna, the Countess was rocking a bad fake British accent and, like Madonna, Carole kept wearing these mysterious driving gloves. Now, I know she doesn't have withered old pterodactyl claws like Madonna, so why was she doing this? And it wasn't just one pair. NO! She had the bright green pair and then a black pair when she went to go tell Heather that she is pretty enough to be on TV. So, the ladies all show up in their traveling costumes and they are just fascinated by the fascinators that are waiting for them upon arrival (except either Sonja or Carole thinks they are called "fasteners" and then they fight about who was right and who was wrong and then they just get over it and move on and it's every Housewives fight ever boiled down into 30 seconds). See, the hotel has had a surplus of these dainty chapeaux ever since no one took them up on their Royal Wedding Package that came complete with your very own fascinator, a signed portrait of Pippa Middleton's personal trainer, and tea with that girl who frowned in all the pictures and totally photobombed the wedding. Oh, and you get to eat crumpets shaped like Princess Beatrice's hat. No one went for it. Now they just leave silly little hats full of feathers and sparkles hoping that stupid Americans will take them home with them and get them out of the damn hotel. Everyone goes shopping (without hats) and as they're walking around, they're looking for a thrift store for Sonja, who doesn't like to spend any money which is why she has interns and not servants. They end up in Notting Hill, which is Carole's old neighborhood. They walk by her old flat (that's what the British call them, you know, flats. No, not the shoes, an apartment.) and Carole starts to tell them the story of when she lived there. "Well, it was just after Anthony, my husband, died and I was going through a very rough time in New York and I came to London for work. While I was in the neighborhood, I somehow found my way into a travel book store where there was this very cute and charming man working there. He was tall and very British and had that sort of floppy hair that you only get if you have made out with one of your bunkmates at Eton. Anyway, he made some recommendations and I flirted, but I was just so guarded. Later I was walking down the street and we ran right into each other. He's very accident-prone, you know, always stumbling around and bumping into things and getting caught with hookers in his car. So, we run into each other and he spills his orange juice all over my shirt! So we go to his place and he offers to clean me up and I take off my shirt and I'm not wearing a bra (because I never wear a bra) and well, one thing leads to another and we fall in love and then he finds out that I'm like this huge movie star and he doesn't want to date me and then he does and then he doesn't and he has this awfully ugly roommate who sort of looks like the little cartoon in that yellow toenail fungus drug commercial. Ugh, he was awful. But yes, we totally fell in love and I lived here in London for a year. And then I dumped him." "Wait," said the Countess. "Isn't that a Hugh Grant movie?" "Oh no," said Carole, very seriously. "That all totally happened to me. All of it." Meanwhile, back at the Yummie (vomit) Tummie (vomit vomit) International Sales Meeting, Heather Thompson is in a room with three German actors she paid to look like sales associates for her company and the lady who is in charge of the Andorran market (there is one store) sits around poking at the one last danish on the pastry tray while Heather gives out amazing advice like, "Think locally, act globally." Um, Heather, isn't their job to think locally and act locally? Isn't it your job to oversee all their local thought and then do some global thought? Do you really want Dieter, with his square glasses and turtle neck taking over your business and deciding when it's time for everyone to dance? No. You do not. Here is what you need to tell these bitches: "Sell more underwear and make me rich!" Just shout that at them for like an hour and torture them a little bit and maybe cut off Gunther's pinkie because he's not selling enough elastic camisoles in Sweden. That's how the cartel would do it. Don't you want to be a cartel? Isn't that the new American dream? Then all the ladies have to pay for their free trip to London and they show up at the Yummie Tummie International Retreat and Trust Exercise Demonstration. It's in the former House of Dior in London and... hold up a second. Wait. Is Sonja Morgan wearing her confessional dress in the outside world? You know the one. It looks sort of like she used a feather duster to clean up the slime at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards and then plastered it to her chest. You know, the one that she is wearing when she talks to the camera in every episode. Oh, no no no no no no, Sonja T. Morgan. You are my favorite, but you are not allowed to wear that dress out in public ever again. It must be retired. I'm surprised you didn't give it to your intern in a plastic decontamination sac as soon as filming is over and have her burn it in the basement of the parking structure you live next to. That is the decent thing to do. You don't see Kim Richards walking around wearing that shirt with the bow that looks like it is going to eat and then slowly digest her head like a lamé boa constrictor. You don't see Alex McCord rewearing the fleshen chains that kept her shackled to her seat in front of the camera. No, those dresses are one time only affairs, because we will see them forever. Just take it into the Mines of Moria and throw it into the dark abyss from whence it came and forget about it forever. Now, I would never ever ever make my friends go to some boring work dinner with me, even if I did just (get the producers to) pay for them to go to London with me for the weekend and hang out in a penthouse. (Oh, speaking of which, you know how Heather got so excited because she thought that this was Sonja's first time in a penthouse? What she didn't hear was that Sonja said, "I've never been in Penthouse before," but she meant the magazine. Oopsie!) Inviting them to attend the Yummie (vomit) Tummie (barf) dinner is sort of like going to your boyfriend's family reunion: you don't know anyone there, no one seems to really have any idea who you are, and his aunt's potato salad smells like feet and Citronella candles. It's all just awful. Heather goes around the table and tells everyone they have to stand up and say where they're from and "why you love Yummie, baby, whoo!" Ok, this, right here, is why I find it impossible to like Heather. Now, I don't hate Heather like I hate hooded tank tops and sparkly Ugg boots and Alexis Bellino. I just can't like Heather. She seems like a cool, real person with her chunky glasses that she's still going to wear even if everyone picks on her. She's her own person, she's willing to stand up to Ramona or anyone else who thinks she's wrong, and she's friends with Beyoncé. Those are all qualities that I should love. But then she says things like "Why you love Yummie, baby, whoo!" and I just want to cut out her tongue and send it back to the bachelorette party where it was enchanted by whatever evil witch makes her talk like that. Can't Heather just talk like a human person? This exercise is also why Carole Radziwill and I should be best friends. She just refuses to stand up when she has to participate in this little team building exercise. She doesn't even want to say what she loves about Yummie (retch) but she does. Still, she refuses to stand up. Oh, Carole, I would have done the same thing. Let's talk about it over margaritas on the rocks with no salt at Arriba, Arriba where we just sit on 9th Avenue and watch the queens go by and pick on their awful jean cut-offs. I know that's how we both want to spend a Saturday evening. Next:
  • Who Was the First Celebrity to Come Out of the Closet?
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 09, 2012
    Last week, both Odd Future singer Frank Ocean and longtime glass closet denizen Anderson Cooper both came out of the closet. In the few months before that, we saw both stripper-with-a-body-of-gold Matthew Bomer and Big Bang Theory übernerd Jim Parsons make the declaration too. At this rate, everyone in Hollywood will be openly gay by 2015! But who was the first celebrity to come out of the closet? Despite what you might think, it wasn't Ellen DeGeneres, Neil Patrick Harris, or even fitness guru Richard Simmons (who, to my knowledge, has never professed his love for anything other than aerobics and short shorts). It was an actor named Billy Haines. But Haines didn't get his People magazine cover — the actor lived in the 1920s as a silent film star who was a huge box office draw, thanks to films like The Midnight Express, Little Annie Rooney, and Navy Blues. His luck only continued in 1926, when he met his life-long partner Jimmy Shields in New York before the couple moved in together in Los Angeles. While their partnership was well known in Tinsel Town, it was still a secret to the public.  That all changed in 1933, when Haines was arrested in a YMCA after getting frisky with a sailor (only four decades before the Village People!) and his sexual orientation became public. Louis B. Mayer, the infamous head of MGM studio which had Haines under contract, demanded that Haines marry a woman and denounce being a homosexual in the press. Haines, however, refused in order to stay with Shields, and because of his respectable pride, the actor's contract was canceled.  Haines never worked as an actor again. Instead, he became an interior decorator for stars like Joan Crawford, making him the envy of every gay decorator that has ever lived (and there have been a few). As it turns out, the actor was well ahead of his time. It wasn't until the '60s when stars would come out again — and, when they did, the discovery was hardly met with celebration. Tommy Kirk, a Disney child actor who starred in The Shaggy Dog and The Absent-Minded Professor, came out in 1963 at age 22 after Walt Disney found out he had a sexual relationship with a teenage boy. He was fired by the studio and, while he did outreach work for the gay community, never had steady acting work again (although he eventually started a carpet cleaning business). According to Sal Mineo's website, the Giant and Rebel Without a Cause actor came out in the late '60s, but he was killed in 1976 in a robbery gone bad.    Indeed, things did get better for gay Hollywood elite, even if some felt they had to qualify their sexual preference in order to be accepted in the industry. Laying the groundwork for other musicians to be as gay as they wanna be, Elton John came out as bisexual in a 1976 interview with Rolling Stone. But as we all know, Elton turned out to be "bi now, gay later," and only admitted he was, in fact, homosexual after divorcing wife Renate Blauel in 1988.     In the late '80s, a rash of British actors including Ian McKellen, Rupert Everett, and Stephen Frye came out and their revelations refreshingly didn't impact their careers — after all, McKellen went on to costar in two of the most successful franchises of all time, The Lord of the Rings and X-Men. That industry- and fan-wide acceptance lead to our modern age, which sees celebrities periodically come out of the closet with nary a shrug (unless, of course, you're a headline writer). While there have been many trailblazers to make it safe for gay actors to live and work openly, we all really have Billy Haines to thank, who made a very tough decision back when it had very difficult consequences. Maybe Frank Ocean should dedicate a song or two to him?  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan   More: Frank Ocean Comes Out, Makes Waves With Tumblr Letter  Anderson Cooper: 'The Fact Is, I'm Gay'  Queen Latifah: I Haven't Come Out
  • World's Worst Starlet Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Turns Down 'Project Runway'
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 09, 2012
    Do you know what a Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is? I didn't either really, until I sat through the clanging blur of Transformers 3: Quest for Untold Riches and she was the British girl in it. She apparently was a lingerie model before and, since no one ever heard of her, that sort of makes her Victoria's secret.  Anyway, she just backed out of hosting Lifetime's second season of Project Runway All Stars at the last minute. Um, Rosie, why the hell are you turning down work? It's not like Hollywood is beating down your door. According to the gossips at Page Six, Rosie took time off from boffing serious thesbian Jason Statham to lobby hard for the role of host to replace the cardboard cutout named Angela Lindvall that they used for Season 1. Rosie was all locked and loaded to be the host of the second season of a spin-off of a tarnishing, once-great reality show that no one really watches anymore except to remind themselves of how good it used to be when it was on Bravo. Then she bowed out just three weeks before filming started to take a part in Mad Max: Fury Road. Apparently Rosie never met a sequel with a colon in the title she didn't like.  After a quick audition process, producers finally tapped model Carolyn Murphy to host Project Runway: The Search for Mondo's Gold, which is currently filming in New York. I'm sorry, Rosie, but Katie Holmes — who may or may not have a thing or two going on in her personal life — found some time to be a guest judge, and you can't be on freakin' Project Runway? Seriously, child, snatch it together! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan  More: Watch: 'Project Runway' Finale Clips! Heidi Klum Goes Nude for 'Project Runway' 'Project Runway' To Return with an All-Star Edition