Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • The Non-Geek's Guide to Spider-Man
    By: Brian Moylan Jul 03, 2012
    Spider-Man, Spider-Man. He does whatever a hyphenated superhero can. Makes a web, any size. Catches blockbuster millions, just like flies. If you didn't get that reference to the Spider-Man theme song then you are a jerk. Even worse, you're a jerk who needs to learn a thing or two about Spider-Man before he returns on July 3rd in The Amazing Spider-Man to try to take over the Cineplex once again. So, if you somehow have gone through your entire life without hearing anything about the webslinger, I am here to answer all your non-nerd questions. Let's get started. So, I take it this Spider-Man is some sort of superhero? Yes, that is true. According to the comic books, Peter Parker, an unassuming high school student, lives in Queens with his aunt and uncle and one day, while visiting a science lab, he is bitten by a spider that was treated with radioactivity (which, contrary to popular belief, is not just what Ryan Seacrest does on FM). When he was bitten by the spider, he got super powers. What exactly are his gifts? He can walk up walls and hang from ceilings, just like a spider. He has super-human strength, speed and jumping abilities. Also, he has this thing called a "spider sense" that lets him know when he's about to be in danger. It's really hard to show in the movies and in the comics it's shown as a bunch of silly black squiggles, but it's always there. Doesn't he have some crazy web power, too? As a matter of fact... he does not. But in the movie... Ha! I knew you had seen the movie! Yes, in the Sam Raimi movie Spider-Man he gave the character the ability to shoot webs out of his hands. When Stan Lee — who created the X-Men, Incredible Hulk and every other cool Marvel character — debuted the character in 1962, he did not have web powers. Instead, Peter Parker, a science nerd of the highest order, created a solvent that is like liquid webbing and also this crazy web slinging bracelet that he wore. It had a button in the middle of his palm that he would press to eject the web. That's why, when you see him shooting, his middle two fingers are pressing his palm. So, this guy not only has super powers, but he's some kind of mechanical genius, too? I don't buy it! That's why Raimi just made it one of his super powers, because it's easier to believe. Mark Webb, the director of the latest movie, has restored the mythology to the original, and he has his web gizmos built into his costume. How many movies have there been? Well, the three Sam Raimi movies, the first two of which are awesome and the third one which totally sucked. Yeah, it was awful. You saw that one too? Only the second half on HBO once. Still, it was awful. There have been a ton of cartoons on and off since the '60s and a new toon just started this year. There was also a live action TV show The Amazing Spider-Man in 1978. God, how cheesy was that? It was mad cheesy. What else do I need to know about this Spider-Man? Well, he lives in Queens with his Aunt May and his Uncle Ben... The rice guy? No, he was white. His Uncle Ben got shot by a criminal that Spider-Man could have stopped but didn't because he was being a bratty teenage jerk. That's when he learned the lesson he teaches again and again, "With great power comes great responsibility." After that day, Spider-Man fought crime around New York and kept his identity a secret so his family couldn't be hurt. This is especially handy because everyone thinks he's a threat to society. Why do they think that if he's trying to save the day? Well, there's this jerk J. Jonah Jameson who owns the Daily Bugle, a New York tabloid where Peter works as a photographer, and Jameson is always printing misleading stories about Spider-Man in the paper and making his life hell and making people believe he's a Muslim who was born in Kenya. Is J. Jonah Jameson supposed to be Rupert Murdoch? Basically. Does Spider-Man have a girlfriend? Well, in the comics, he has a wife named Mary Jane Parker, who is a red-headed former model who was played by Kiki Dunst in the original movies. In this movie he has a girlfriend named Gwen Stacy played by Emma Stone. In the comic, she is killed by the Green Goblin. Spoiler alert! Oh please, it already happened. And the green goblin isn't even in this movie. The villain is Dr. Curt Conners, otherwise known as The Lizard. Isn't there also a bunch of stuff about Peter's parents? In this movie? Yes. In one particular run of the comics, they were a pair of spies who met on the job and were killed by the Red Skull on a mission gone bad. Wait, isn't that the villain from the Captain America movie? Yes. OK, this is getting way too confusing. But I don't think there's a Red Skull in this. I don't know what's going to happen with the parents! So, do you think this is too soon to reboot this franchise after the last Spider-Man movie was only five years ago? Yes. But I'm still going to go see it anyway. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Venom' Movie May Tie into 'Amazing Spider-Man' Avengers-Style 'Amazing Spider-Man': Rhys Ifans Turns Into a Lizard 'The Amazing Spider-Man': 66 Questions That Must Be Answered
  • 'Magic Mike' Sequel: Here Is How They Should Write It
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 30, 2012
    All anyone with an appreciation of movies or the male form can talk about right now is Magic Mike the Channing Tatum male stripper movie that is shaking its junk in America's face right now. But when it's a hit at the box office, what are they going to do about a sequel? Well, we dreamed up a few ideas to get those screenwriters minds whirling. (Warning: I'm going to be disclosing some plot details, so if you don't want any spoilers, stop reading the story. But it's not like it really matters. You didn't go see Magic Mike for the story!) Moons Over Miami The crew is obsessed about leaving Tampa and opening a bigger, badder, ballsier strip club somewhere in Miami. In this sequel, they actually do! Dallas (Matthew McConaughey) opens the strip emporium of his dreams and brings along equity partner The Kid (Alex Pettyfer) and some of the boys (and some new talent) to help him. The problem is the location he's chosen is home to a female strip club that doesn't want to give up its lease or its liquor license so Dallas can open shop. A showdown between male and female strippers occurs until everyone is just a writhing naked mess on stage. Some of them bang. They decide to combine the strip clubs so that husbands and wives can come and watch naked people together. Isn't that what everyone wants? Big Dick Richie's Big Adventure Really, the only thing we know about Joe Manganiello's character is that he has a huge johnson and loves his penis pump. Well, what would happen if, one day, his penis pump disappeared? Yes, it has been stolen! But by whom? A despondent and shirtless Richie, so inconsolable he can't wear a shirt, goes on a cross country journey in search of his missing penis pump, and runs into all sorts of outrageous characters on the way, including Pee-Wee Herman, who's wee pee made him steal the device in the first place. Dallas Does Dallas We know that Dallas eventually gets to Tampa to become a stripper and run the Magic Mike show, but how did he get there? This is a prequel where a young Dallas (played by Hunter Parrish) is a good Texas boy whose father is a preacher and whose mother deserted him when he was a boy. He was a very shy guy who didn't have much luck with the ladies, but worked hard on daddy's farm. One day, after baling all that hay and gettin' along with all the dogies, a nice older lady going through town notices how buff he is. He gets a job in a traveling male review called Clydesdales, where he wears nothing but a thong, a bowtie, a mullet, and a smile. And on the way to learning how to become a stripper, Dallas learns how to become a man. Ken and the Doll Really the only thing that we see Matt Bomer's stripper alter ego Ken do is let The Kid sleep with his big-tittied wife because he loves The Kid so damn much. You know why? Because he's gay. Sadly he has to leave Juggs McGee behind to go on his new journey where he discovers his true homosexual self and realizes that guys who strip for other guys make a hell of a lot more money than guys who strip for girls. But in the end, he gives it all up for the one person he loves. Do all stripper movies have to end that way, even the gay ones? Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Joe Manganiello Hints at a 'Magic Mike' Prequel 'Magic Mike' Drinking Game: The Rules Channing Tatum on 'Magic Mike': A Movie for the '50 Shades of Grey Era'
  • 'Dallas' Gets Renewed for Another Season
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 29, 2012
    The age old question "Who Shot JR?" is going to be asking who fired at gun at him, but which cameras were shooting him for a second season of Dallas. Larry Hagman and the rest of the crew have been doing so well drilling for oil on TNT that they rewarded them with another 15 episode of the rebooted (or resurrected?) show to air in 2013. TNT made a risky movie and didn't just reimagine the series, but brought back iconic castmembers and joined them with a bunch of hot young bucks playing their children. Instead of trying to replicate the original, they just picked it up where it left off, and it's been a hit with about 7 million viewers a week (and add a million to that if you include the Sally Come Latelies watching on their DVRs). It's not a strategy that can work forever (Hagman is going to have to retire eventually) but for right now cable's number one new show is humming along nicely. Now, how do you think JR is going to scheme getting a bigger piece of the pie now that they're making the real money? That's totally what he would do. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Dallas' Premiere: We Found a Gusher! New 'Dallas' Trailer Fueled by Oil, Greed and Old Rivalries 'Dallas' Pic: Holy Flashback, Patrick Duffy!
  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes: The Five Craziest Marriage Rumors
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 29, 2012
    From the moment Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes announced they were romantically involved (and Tom Cruise got all hippity-hoppity on Oprah's couch), the rumors about the legitimacy (and illegitimacy) of their union have been crazier than Cruise's six pack in Rock of Ages. In honor, or in mourning, of their just announced divorced, here are the six craziest rumors that we heard about their romance. It's All a Contract The easy joke to make about TomKat is that the Kat half of the couple was contractually obligated to marry him and that she was doing it so that she could be more famous and have a great movie career (even though that didn't really work out for her). According to the National Enquirer, there was a 100-page contract worth about $600 million dollars that Holmes had to sign before their nuptials. Apparently Holmes would get $70 million for the first year of marriage, plus another $10 if she made it to the five year mark. If this "contract" is to be believed (and, let's be clear, it's not), she is now without a husband but with $80 million smackeroos. Holmes Wasn't Cruise's First Choice If running under the assumption that Cruise chose a mate not based on romance but based on some sort of PR obligation, then he might have gone shopping for a starlet before deciding on Holmes. This Fox News column (and we all know how reliable they are) claims that Cruise interviewed Jennifer Garner, Kate Bosworth, Lindsay Lohan (ha!), Jessica Alba, and Scarlett Johansson before settling on Holmes.  Tom Cruise Was Responsible for Katie Holmes' Mouth Sores It doesn't come right out and say it, but this Page Six item from 2008 seems to heavily suggest that Cruise gave both Holmes and ex-wife Nicole Kidman herpes of the mouth, because they were both spotted with cold sores around the same time.  Holmes is Brainwashed Gossip mongers have claimed that Holmes, who was raised Catholic but later converted to Scientology when she married Tom, was somehow brainwashed by the religion. An article from supermarket staple Star from last year claimed she was addicted to Scientology. The tabloid alleged that the e-meter, a device that Scientologists use during a process called auditing where they divulge their secrets, emits a low-dose electrical pose which causes a heroin-like effect in the user. Holmes sued the tabloid after seeing its cover, and Star later settled with the actress. Suri Cruise's Real Father Is L. Ron Hubbard Celebrity biographer Andrew Morton's unauthorized book about Cruise, which was released in 2008, has many allegations concerning Cruise and his attachment to Scientology. The craziest of which is that Suri Cruise, Cruise and Holmes' daughter, was conceived using the frozen sperm of Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, not Cruise's seed. Of course, the Cruise camp denied the accusation. 
  • Alec Baldwin Gets in a Fight Holding a Pillow Pet — PIC
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 29, 2012
    Sure he's all sly jokes and GOP smarm on 30 Rock, but Alec Baldwin is quickly turning into Public Enemy # 124,892,341. Well, at least when it comes to the paparazzi. He reportedly got in another altercation with a camera man in front of his apartment in New York Friday. Doesn't he know the more he fights with them, the more interest he is to the paparazzo and the more they'll swarm to him like moths to that creepy blue light thing your Nana has hanging from her porch? This morning, Baldwin and his fiance, Hilaria Thomas, were leaving their apartment, and Alec reportedly found a parking ticket on his windshield. Sure, that would ruin everyone's day, but it seems he took it out on this camera man and got all up in his grill about something or other. Baldwin's rep has yet to return a request for comment. At least Baldwin wasn't as mean as he was 10 days ago when he attacked a New York Daily News lensman who snapped a shot of Baldwin and Thomas leaving City Hall after reportedly securing their wedding license. Baldwin claims that the photog assaulted him with his camera and he was only fighting back. What's he going to say this time? Did the photographer upset his Rainbow Unicorn Pillow Pet? Yes, that is what Alec is holding. Why? Oh, who knows. Maybe he learned to hug his spirit animal close in anger management class and that helps him to keep his hands to himself? Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan [Photo Credit: Ordonez/JT/] More: Angry Alec Baldwin Strikes Again, Slams a Pap in the Face Alec Baldwin Drops His Pants on 'Letterman' — VIDEO Alec Baldwin's Three-Step Process to Confronting ControversyAlec Baldwin
  • Other Headlines CNN Could Have Gotten Wrong
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 28, 2012
    I hate to admit it, but Aaron Sorkin's hectoring Newsroom might be right and our whole damn television news culture might be headed down the drain. Look at what happened today when the Supreme Court upheld the President's health care plan that mandates everyone must have health insurance. CNN botched the story and mistakenly said on the air and on their website that the Supreme Court struck the ruling down. (You can watch the video or check out The Atlantic Wire's exhaustive coverage of what happened when they called the decision wrong.) They have since issued a correction. In fairness, every news organization prepares two packages when there is going to be a big breaking news moment and it seems like CNN got the news wrong and went ahead and published the wrong headlines on the tube and the wrong articles on the site. (Thank god we didn't do that to poor Phillip Phillips and publish our "Jessica Sanchez Wins Idol" story!) I'm not excusing CNN's gigantic error, but let's think about all the times that CNN got the story right. Here are some (fake) headlines that they were storing just in case the news broke the other way that they didn't publish. Let's all be happy that they didn't. —Lindsay Lohan Found Not Guilty of DUI —After 14 Months Jessica Simpson Finally Gives Birth to a Baby Boy —Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Split Confirmed —Fans Totally Content with Lost Finale —Donald Trump Is the Republican Presidential Nominee  —Lindsay Lohan Found Not Guilty of Probation Violation —John Carter Rules Weekend Box Office —The Best Picture Oscar Goes to War Horse —Sarah Palin Announces 2012 Presidential Run —Lady Gaga Wears Jeans in First Concert Appearance —Joffrey Baratheon Named Once and Future King of Westeros —Lindsay Lohan Found Not Guilty of Shoplifting Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan CNN Error
  • Hunky Captain Kirk Attacked by Rabid, Naked Gay Fan
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 28, 2012
    Let's just get one thing, ahem, straight. If I was at New York's Gay Pride March on Sunday (which I was) and I saw Chris Pine — the pec-tacular actor who plays Captain Kirk in the new Star Trek movie and a creepy brother who seems to be flirting with his sister in this weekend's People Like Us — I would completely lose my gay mind. However, I did not see Chris Pine on Sunday (though I did see many equally chesty gentlemen with their shirts off but none who are like, you know, famous) but one naked gay person did and he kind of made Chris Pine's day. On yesterday's episode of Conan, Pine, who all the boys who like boys pine for, tells the tale of ending up at the parade by accident wearing a tank top (mmhhmm... by "accident") and a large naked gentleman wearing only a sock on his U.S.S. Enterprise chased Pine down the street screaming, "Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk!" He probably thought Pine was one of us. Can you really blame him? Being at a Gay Pride March wearing a tank top is about as heterosexual as Lance Bass' last People magazine cover. Pine, who is straight (as far as we know) seemed to laugh at the whole incident. At least he'll have a big gay story to share with Zachary Quinto when they start promoting Star Trek 2: The Attack of the Hairy Naked Bear. Check out the video below. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Chris Pine Lawsuit Reveals 'Star Trek,' 'This Means War' Earnings 'People Like Us' Trailer: Chris Pine is Elizabeth Banks' Secret Brother MGM Wants Chris Pine For 'Robocop' Reboot Chris Pine
  • CBS Suffers Legal Setback as 'Glass House' Crumbles
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 27, 2012
    You have to ask yourself why CBS is continuing its lawsuit against ABC's Big Brother wannabe Glass House considering that it is doing so miserably. In fact, the show's awful ratings may be the only thing helping ABC's case right now. For those not following this reality TV squabble (which is as vicious and mean-spirited as anything that happens on reality TV) CBS filed suit against ABC for stealing its trade secrets and intellectual properties when ABC hired a former Big Brother producer and a bunch of former staff members for The Glass House, a strangers-in-a-house-with-the-world-watching show that seems similar to summer staple BB. The big difference? On Glass House America does the voting. CBS is having a hard time making its case stick. First a judge denied its motion to stop production and airing of Glass House, which premiered June 18. Yesterday a judge denied CBS's motion for expedited discovery (the phase of a lawsuit where each side gets to investigate to make their claims in court). It's mostly just legal mumbo jumbo, but what shows is that the judge seems to think that Glass House poses no major danger to Big Brother. The ratings support that. The show premiered to dismal numbers and tumbled the second week by 20% according to Deadline. Part of CBS' burden in court is to prove that Glass House will somehow damage Big Brother's ability to make money and it makes money by getting ratings. If no one is paying any attention to Glass House that's going to be very hard to prove. And why aren't you watching Glass House, because I am obsessed with it. The second week only got better when America's decisions about which housemates are safe and which are in trouble is already leading to changes in the contestant's behavior and strategy. Apollo went from trying to be "honorable" in week one and devising a complicated system where her votes for another member of the house to be nominated for elimination based on drawing cards to being the kind of jerk who throws a teammate under the bus in order to save himself from elimination. It only took one week, and it's all because America didn't vote to keep Apollo in the house. If that's not enough, Holly got caught lying about her major in college and when she finally confessed that it was psychology, the housemates pressed her to name one psychologist. After vamping for several minutes she finally said, "Dr. Phil." That was all she could think of! Now they don't believe that she was a psychology major either! This is reality TV gold, people, but sadly it looks like it's going to end up being nothing but a footnote in some legal battle. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Everyone Needs to Move Into 'Glass House' Everything You Need to Know About 'Glass House' Our Newest Summer TV Obessions 'The Glass House' Case Continues: Making Sense of ABC's Latest Argument
  • A Nora Ephron Movie for Every Occasion
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 27, 2012
    I don't know what it is, but somehow, whenever you plop yourself down on the couch, in a mood fouler than milk left out on the counter for a month, and are looking for something to watch, there is always a Nora Ephron movie on TBS (or TNT or HBO or even some of those channels with more than three letters). And no matter what the mood is, that is always the exact movie you want to watch at that moment. In honor of Nora Ephron, who passed away yesterday from cancer, and those moments when we all need to fall into the bosom of a great movie for warmth and comfort, here is what Nora Ephron movie you should tune into in your time of need. When You Break Up With Your Partner: Heartburn There is something to be said for that strange sort of heartbreak that comes after ending a long romance, even one where you pulled the plug on yourself. Nora knows, honey, and let her sooth you with this comedic drama where Meryl Streep plays a woman whose husband (Jack Nicholson) won't stop cheating on her, and she has to leave him. Even if you just got kicked to the curb, watching some other people suffer is a sure way to dry your eyes. When There's Nothing to Eat in the House: Julie and Julia You know when you're lounging in your sweats and dying for a snack but you're on a diet and don't want to have to put on jeans just so you can go to the store and get some Oreos? Well, let Julia child whisk you into a calorie-free heaven of delicious delicacies. Warning: this may cause overconfidence in your ability to cook complicated French dishes. When You've Lost Your Job: You've Got Mail There's nothing harder than trying to move on when you're collecting unemployment and finding the next thing while still mourning a place where you worked so hard for so long. Meg Ryan knows your pain as she has to struggle with her bookstore being put out of business by a big bad tycoon. In the end, she gets to marry the tycoon (and it's Tom Hanks, no less), so even if this isn't going to help you rewrite your resume, it might inspire you to find a rich boyfriend. When You're Folding the Laundry: Bewitched You don't really want to give this Nicole Kidman confection your undivided attention, do you? It's Christmas: Mixed Nuts Why load up on holiday cable movie insanity like Holiday in Handcuffs when you can hang out with some real crazies who work at a suicide hotline on Christmas Eve? And you can't ask for more of a gift than this cast, including Steve Martin, Rita Wilson, Garry Shandling, Madeline Khan, Rob Reiner, Parker Posey, and Jon Stewart. When You Feel Like You're Going to Be Alone Forever: Sleepless in Seattle Every single person out there (or even the ones in unhappy relationships) sometimes feels like it's time to give up on finding the one person who will make you happy and just get a house full of cats and prepare to care for them in your old age. But no! There is hope! You can hear about a man you love on the radio and track him down and with the help of his son (and some relaxed stalker laws) he can be yours too! Yes, yes he can! A million exclamation points that look like the Empire State Building! When You Miss Your Best Friend: When Harry Met Sally Everyone thinks this Meg Ryan/Billy Crystal classic is about faking orgasms in a deli and falling in love. And it is. But even more importantly it's about the bonds that you can forge with your closest nearest and dearest friend. Sure, sometimes those bonds go all the way into doing it, but sometimes they don't. Either way, this will fill that little hole in your heart that your BFF (which stands for Best Freaking Friend) leaves when absent. When You Need a Little Rick Moranis: My Blue Heaven Seriously, where has this guy been? >Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Nora Ephron, Writer and Director, Dies of Cancer Nora Ephron Dies: Famous Friends and Fans React Notes on Nora Ephron
  • 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: The Party's Over
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 27, 2012
    And after midnight, Heather Dubrow nee Paige Kent, was sitting on a rented white couch in the yard behind her giant Granite Palace and was looking out over the little hump in the earth that spilled down and down and down a hillside and eventually into the sea, which she could see trilling the moon back at itself in little waves. She had a glass of champagne in one hand and ran the other through her straight, dark hair. It was getting a little chilly as she pulled her toned arms into herself as if that would provide some warmth. Around her churned a coterie of workers and servants, picking up the plastic champagne flutes with the removable plastic circles, digging the fake diamonds out of the grass, and sweeping up all the fake fur that fell off wraps and coats and out of hair. Heather just sat there and sighed, too exhausted to even supervise. All she could do was breathe. Even the heavy breath was too much. She knew she should go to bed, but it called to her, that light dancing ocean with the sphere hanging above it like it was some sort of post card. She was living in a post card, this Heather, but on the back was scrawled a message in red. "Help me!" So much went wrong at Heather's party during which she finally changed her name to her husband's. So, so much. I can't even talk any more about Sarah the Striver who ate the bow and was kicked out of the party. (Even though I need to point out that Alexis was all, "I'm not a bodyguard, I can't escort her out of here." Um, you brought her! Get her out of there!) I can't even talk about Gretchen giving Tamra that stupid bracelet and using the word "fashionista" with a complete lack of irony. I can't even talk about how Heather Paige Kent Dubrow still refers to sparkling white wine as "Champs" even though a board of doctors has told her that it is hazardous to her health. I can't talk about Slade Smiley's turtleneck or Jeanna Keough's lump of dough face with two googley eyes popped into it or the nasty red drinks they were drinking. I can't talk about any of it. There are only three things I can bring myself to talk about today. The first is a creature that god named Alexis Bellino and then quickly forgot her name and everything about her. He puffed her up with air and then poked a hole in her and watched all the air slowly shriek out of her so what is left is a deflated balloon that is all stretched and warped and filled with little rubber warts all over it. Even worse than Alexis is her husband Jim Bellino, who is USDA certified The Worst. He's just an awful human being. After telling his wife Alexis that he's not going to escort her to the party, he shows up half way through wearing a vest with iridescent wolves heads on the back, half red, half navy blue. It is from the Edward Hardy Formalwear collection by Christian Audigier for Ed Hardy. So, he shows up and surprises Alexis and it's all sunshine and unicorns for a minute, but then Terry Dubrow, Heather's husband who called Alexis "phony." Jim wants to talk about this issue "next week." What, when filming is over? Oh no no no no no. That is not how these here proceedings work, Jim. You've been on the Housewives long enough to know that if you show up to a Housewives party, you are going to have to talk about the Housewives issue. That's just the way it works. Terry convinces Jim to sit down to talk and they find a little table and Jim says, "So, you said my wife is the most phony person in the world?" And Terry says, "No, that's not what I said." For a minute, I thought my Terry had failed me. I thought he had become a real Househusband and would lie about things and try to smooth things over even though he was caught on camera doing exactly what Jim said he did. "I didn't say that she was the 'most phony person I ever met in my life,'" Terry said. "I just said she was phony." BLAMMO! That's why I love Terry. He's not going to lie, he's going to stand up and be accountable for what he said and, you know, call an Alexis an Alexis (which is phony). It was absolutely amazing and I was dying to see how Terry got out of this. But then Heather sat down and started to explain to Jim her conversation with Alexis and Costa Rico and then Tamra pulled up a chair and plunked herself down with a huge smile on her face and a grin that said, "What you talking about? I wanna get in on this!" That's when Jim stormed out. "I'm not doing this," he said. What? You can't walk into the lion's den and think that you're only going to fight one lion. This was the only way this was going to happen, and if you don't want your life to be like this, then you need to get your wife to stop being on the show. Jim storms out and gets his car and Alexis goes running after him and he's pulling away and she has to yell to stop him. He was going to leave her there. You know he was not thinking one bit about Alexis and was just going to ditch her and leave her at that party to clean up his miss. That is why Jim is The Worst. But he stops for her, which was nice and she opens the door and says, "Thanks, honey." Yeah, thanks for almost leaving me at a party and not even thinking about me for one second. Yeah, thanks for that. Now I guess I have to talk about human blowfish Vicki. I really don't want to. She's just become such an awful hissing mess, mostly because of Brooks, the hobo grifter that has latched onto her. I get it, Vicki, that you're in love and that this man is your everything but don't you see that he's going to take you for everything. He's like a one man cult, always asking about your finances, dependent on you for money, and trying to separate you from your family and friends. And that is just what happened. Vicki made some stupid joke about Alexis, like all jokes are, and Tamra rolled her eyes. Brooks accused Tamra of giving Vicki "the evil eye," and all hell broke loose. What the hell is this, some sort of Kaballah convention? Who the hell cares about the evil eye? The evil eye carries no weight whatsoever. What even is it? Do people really care about this? Isn't it kind of like a "yo momma" joke, like people get offended because they think they should be offended, not because they really care about it one way or another? Anyway, Vicki and Tamra start yelling about it and Tamra tells Vicki that she needs to stop letting Brooks tell her what to do all the time. Vicki tries to run away but Tamra follows, which is stupid because you never run after the fight, especially when everyone is as blitzed as they were at the party. I'm still not sure what Tamra did exactly, but whatever it was, Vicki said it was so bad that it ended their friendship. Say what? God, I can't even keep up with these women's delusions anymore. Outside Vicki says she wants to leave but she wants to talk to her daughter Brianna, who is a real actual person who is smart and sensible and has no place being on this show (also, she's pregnant!). But then Brianna goes outside and tells Vicki that Tamra's right, that everyone hates Brooks and maybe she should think about that unless she wants to be alienated, which she literally is right at that moment. She is outside crying with her man whose teeth she fixed while everyone else is inside drinking champs with diamonds in it. Then Brooks is like, "We'll show them who's not alienated. Go inside Vicki!" See, she is doing exactly what Brooks says. God, when is Vicki going to wake up? When is she going to realize that there is this nasty monkey hanging off her back? Her son-in-law Ryan said the most brilliant thing when Vicki asked that he "give Brianna back" to her. "If your daughter gets away from you, that's on you, not me." Why are they letting real rational human beings on Housewives? Oh, it's so true. And Vicki says that she has misgivings about Ryan and Ryan says he's right there to answer any questions she has. The problem is that Vicki is expecting everyone to blindly love Brooks as much as she does. That is not the way the world works, Vicki. Now, I will talk about the final thing I want to talk about. The jeweler with the blue hair. Who does her color? Someone please tell me, because after that night of a million screams, I need to get my hair to be the color of washed up seaweed and see if I can find a diamond in the bottom of a flat flute of "champs." Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: Let Them Not Eat Cake 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: River Deep, Housewives High 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: Mi Casa Es Su Catastrophe