Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Ramona Singer and Countess LuAnn Are Still Fighting About Blackmail Allegations
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 05, 2012
    We might have seen a whole new cast on the premiere of Real Housewives of New York, but there were still plenty of old battles raging between veteran cast members Ramona Singer and Countess LuAnn de Lesseps (Queen of Crackerjacks). And they're blaming each other for the fight. Oh, birds fly, bees buzz, fish swim, and Real Housewives argue, and blame each other. If you are surprised by this, then you should probably go watch more reruns of SVU and forget these shrieking banshees altogether. Anyway, on the episode LuAnn approached Ramona seeking an apology for when Ramona called her a bad mother. Ramona did not want to apologize. Do you ever watch something and it makes total sense and then you have to explain it to someone and you feel like a total idiot? That's sort of how I feel about this. "I thought it was over! I can’t believe she just brought it out in the room. On the reunion, we toasted together with a glass of pinot grigio, and I apologized to her," Ramona tells Watching the premiere, LuAnn says she was not shocked that Ramona wanted to walk away: "It’s the usual Ramona. Instead of doing the right thing, she just opted not to. You can only ask for something. You can’t make somebody do anything. I just let her know how I felt. I wasn’t that surprised. It’s her usual reaction." Later in the episode, LuAnn told the three new castmembers, Aviva Drescher, Carole Radziwill, and Heather Thompson, that Ramona called her up and blackmailed her, saying that if she didn't stop asking for an apology then Ramona would tell everyone that a teenager got drunk and passed out in her bushes. Yes, again, I feel like a jerk for making you read that. "I wanted [the new cast members] to know what she was up to, because I was really upset about it. I wanted them to know that this is what this woman was trying to do to me," LuAnn says. Ramona denies that the phone call ever happened. "That was all fabricated. There was a phone call before we were filming. I said, ‘LuAnn, let’s try to get along this season. And don’t push my buttons. Because if you push my buttons, I can’t be responsible for what’s going to come out'...Everyone knows everything about her kids. It’s all out there. Hello!" This isn't the last we'll hear of this fight. "There is going to be a duel coming up," LuAnn says. "I can take Ramona on with my hands tied behind my back." Why can't these two just put it aside and get a new fight? Find some new slights and gripes to entertain us, because if we have to hear about this for the rest of the season, then I'm going to go drown myself in Jill Zarin's golden bathtub. Birds buzz, bees swim, fish fly, and the vicious cycle lives on and on. Reporting by Lindsey DiMattina Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: Fresh Meat The New 'RHONY' Cast: A Reason to Tune in Again Bravo Considers Replacing Entire "Real Housewives of NYC" Cast
  • You'll Want to Own All of These Awesome 'Mad Men' Barbies
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 05, 2012
    Sure Mattel already made Mad Men Barbies based on Don, Betty, Joan, and Roger, but that's not enough to satisfy our desire for little plastic figurines based on our favorite characters. Thank god we have Michael Williams, a photographer and designer who has dolled up Fat Betty Francis, Megan Draper, Peggy Olsen, and a slew of others from the most recent season of the show just for our amusement. Sadly none of them are available in stores, even though they really should be. You can check out the rest on Williams' website My Life in Plastic. [Images by Michael Williams/] Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Mad Men' Recap: Life and Death Situations 'Mad Men' Preview Predictor: What's Left? 'Mad Men' Recap: The Oldest ProfessionMad Men Doll
  • 'Real Housewives of New York' Recap: Fresh Meat
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 05, 2012
    Last night on the Real Coeds of Pantyraid Quad it was like the first week in your freshmen dorm. So many people were entering this strange new and glorious world and no one knew anything about anyone. What do you do in that situation? You play nice and try to make friends with everyone, even though you know that it's never going to work out in the real world. You just go to their room and hear about how mean their mother was and their bulimia problem sophmore year and you help find that giant Biology class that you're both taking, but deep down inside you think, "I want to strangle this bitch with a pair of pantyhose. I can't wait until I find my real friends." And she thinks the same thing too, and by the time you take your first midterm you are barely even nodding your heads at each other when you bump into each other at the cafeteria. That is what last night was like with all these new Housewives running around. Let's get right to them, shall we, starting with the one I like the best. I would like Carole Radziwill to be my best friend. There, I said it. She's pretty, smart, and bordering on inappropriate, just like her hot pants jump suit. Don't you just love how when she got sick of talking about her dead husband she railroaded the conversation with some comment about her tits? Carole, you are a wild and brilliant creature, a sixteen point white stag with antlers that branch out for decades, and I want to shoot you, stuff you, mount you on my wall, talk to you when I'm feeling lonely, and dress you up in festive costumes for holidays. The thing I love most about Carole was when everyone was talking about their kids and she was like, "Yawn! I'm going to get a drink." That and her visit to Glamour where the editor-in-chief was like "We want you to interview the Kardashians," and you could see the look in her eyes that said, "Oh flagnabbit. Really?!" The editor keeps talking about it and you can see Carole nodding her head going "$4 a word. $4 a word. $4 a word." I love Carole. I don't know how great of a Housewife she'll be (she's comes off a little quiet, reserved, and too over it to really get in the muck with these satanic salamanders) but I'll be happy when she gets fired. Then we can hang out just the two of us. I hate sharing. Okay, now let's talk about Aviva Drescher, whose name is like a Spanish soap opera. ¡Que Viva! (Every time you read that, imagine a snap of castanets following it.) That is what I shall call her. So ¡Que Viva! only has one leg. That is her defining characteristic. She only has one leg. She lost it in a childhood accident that had something to do with manure. She was on a farm with her cousin and they woke up early and she stepped into a huge pile of troll manure (this is a magic farm) and her leg got stuck and a witch appeared. She said, "You have stepped into a giant heap of magical troll manure and you will only break free if you sell me your soul!" ¡Que Viva! just flashed this witch the middle finger, broke her leg off, and then hobbled back home to her little cottage where they affixed her with a new prosthetic leg. She actually has two. One she calls Amanda, that is her normal flat foot, and one that she named Julie that is her high heeled foot. When she walked into to the pedicurist the polisher and filer thought, "Oh, thank god, that one-footed lady is here. This is like half the work." But then ¡Que Viva! makes them paint both Amanda and Julie and then it's like three times the work. It's like the three-boobed lady from Total Recall except she has three feet. And the feet totally correspond to different moods. When she's at home and taking it easy she's an "Amanda" and when she wants to go out and be sassy and party, she is a "Julie." Wow, it's crowded in ¡Que Viva!'s mind. Other than her bum leg, I kind of want to hate ¡Que Viva! (mostly because she sort of looks like a character from The Dark Crystal) but I can't just yet. I think I will grow to hate her. Maybe I won't. I don't know, I should keep an open mind. OH! I forgot this part about ¡Que Viva!'s leg. Countess LuAnn of Crackerjacks said of ¡Que Viva!, "She's so poised and graceful and charming, you'd never know she has a handicap." Excuse me, what? Because a person's body has everything to do with their poise, grace, and charm? Well, it's hard to be graceful if you're stumbling around on crutches but the rest? Double You Tee Eff, CJ. Double You Tee Eff. You better volunteer at the paralympics right now, or the angry letters are going to start. Oh, and let's not forget about ¡Que Viva!'s ex husband Harry, who went out with both the Dowager Countess of Crackerjacks and Sonja Morgan. So ¡Que Viva! and LuAnn are out at lunch and they're talking about how Sonja and Harry have been friends for forever and ¡Que Viva! is like, "I wonder if they slept together?" Um, do you know Miss Sonja Morgan? I don't mean this as a diss at all (I'm sluttier than a sorority house after a Jonas Brothers concert) but Sonja for sure slept with him. That's like asking, "Hmm, I wonder if Jessica Simpson ate that cake I left on her counter?" "Do you think Kathie Lee Gifford finished that bottle of wine?" "Oh, I'm sure that Lindsay Lohan is just holding my coke and it's all going to be in the baggie when I get back." This is all just crazy talk. Sonja totally boffed him. She probably still does when she's lonely and they're the only two at the party and the kids are at their father's and the batteries are dead in her vibrator and oh what the hell, repeats never count. Alright, now we need to talk about Heather. I hate Heather. Done. It's done. I think it's done at least. The hatred. I feel like it's cemented like a blood-filled mosquito in a burp of amber. Heather is the kind of girl who says "Holla!" even in her weekly introduction on the show. Heather is the kind of girl who says "somethin' somethin'." Heather is the kind of girl who says, "Oh Em Gee" with a complete lack of irony. That is Heather. If you don't get why that is awful, I hate you too and you probably say "cool beans" and think that is okay. But it doesn't end there. Heather owns a company called Yummie Tummie. Sorry, but "yummie" is one of the grossest words in the English language along with moist, potty, detergent, Palin-esque, and FUPA. "Yummie" is an awful horrible word and so is "Tummie" and you put them together and you expect grown women with money to spend to say it out loud when talking about it to their friends? Oh Yummie to the Tummie. And then it's spelled with an "ie." God, that is just tackie. These are most of the silly reasons that I hate Heather. But it also has something to do with her fake smile. She's always smiling like she just answered a question in a beauty pageant. It's not a real smile, it's some sort of screwed up rictus that she just can't turn off. It's like her resting face is the same as The Joker's. And, I'm sorry, but Ramona and Mario are right (as much as I hate to say it) she is a total interrupter. Even if she's just saying, "Yeah, Yup, MMMhmmm, So Right." She's always punctuating the conversation with her own insertions. Ramona is an interrupter too and listening to them talk to each other about interrupting each other was a thing of beauty. It was like some sort of death fugue of noises, going back and forth, a call and response, a continuous symphony in stereo that would drive you insane or would give you so much pleasure that you will orgasm and orgasm until you die like the evil organ in Barbarella. Next:
  • Reading Between the Lines of Shirley MacLaine's 'Downton Abbey' Interview
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 04, 2012
    I'm more excited than Lady Sybill at a Marxist rally waiting for the third season (or "series" as the Brits call it) of PBS hit Downton Abbey and nothing makes me more excited than the guest starring turn of screen legend and all around amazing broad Shirley MacLaine. She gave a short interview about the upcoming season to TV Guide. If you just read it, you don't really learn a lot, but if you look underneath the quotes, there is a ton of subtext. MacLaine is going to play Martha Levinson the mother of the wealthy Lady Cora. She's only in the first two episodes (sad face emoticon). Here's what else she had to say. Quote: "I sort of had to make her personality up." What It Means: Like season two, creator Jullian Fellows was so busy trying to get the season into shape that he didn't really give her that many character traits. Quote: "She is from Long Island and finally lands at Downton Abbey and sees what's happening to the place when everyone's coming back from the war." What It Means: Martha, being from Long Island, is totally nouveau riche and tacky and wants everything to be covered in bling and animal prints. She also thinks that war is depressing. Quote: MacLaine says she has scenes with Mr. Carson but none with her favorite Mr. Bates. What It Means: Looks like Bates is still going to be trapped in jail, but it seems like Martha is totally going to be getting her swerve on with the help. Quote: On her character's realtionship to Maggie Smith's Dowager Countess, "Our characters' relationship is probably not what you'd think." What It Means: They're not going to fight. How can this happen? Can you really have these two together and not have at least one scene where Shirley throws a bouquet of flowers on the floor and stomps out and Dame Maggie sniffs, "Well, I'll say..." and sits there grasping at her little silver-tipped cane? How can this not happen. This must happen. Maybe it will be like when two superhero teams get together and initially they fight but then they combine their powers against a common enemy. Quote: "The whole place seemed haunted and full of otherworldly spirits." What It Means: Shirley sees dead people. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Downton Abbey' Gets a Classic Guest Star 'Downton Abbey' Star Elizabeth McGovern Talks Trash on Season 2 Jimmy Fallon's 'Downton Abbey' Parody: Welcome to 'Downton Sixbey'
  • 'Mad Men' Recap: Life and Death Situations
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 04, 2012
    So rarely is Mad Men so direct. Often, at the end of the episode, we're all scratching our heads saying, "Why the hell did Joan sleep with that guy/is Pete obsessed with Rory Gilmore/did Roger survive that nine martini lunch?" After thinking about it for awhile, you can usually tease out an answer, something deep and profound that is even more enjoyable because of the effort it took to discover it. After last night's episode most of the motivations made perfect sense. As for the ones that didn't, well, I'm still scratching my head. But we know exactly why Lane killed himself (spoiler alert). In fact, as soon as he closed his door and there was a long, silent shot of him taking stock of his office (and probably his life entirely) and staring out at the falling snow, I knew Lane was a goner. I thought he was going to be the falling man in the show's opening credits (which everyone seems to think, for some obscure reason, is going to be Pete Campbell). Lane has always been a weak character. He was disregarded by his British colleagues and sent to America, he's been looked over by the partner of his own firm, and even beaten into submission by his own abusive father. Every time he takes a stand or meets with some success (landing Jaguar as a client or being named chairman of the AAAA, which Google tells me is the American Association of Advertising Agencies) he's cut back down by some indignity like a hooker's gum in some pubes or his petty embezzlement. I think Lane's problem is that he has always blamed everyone else for his own problems. It's either his wife who doesn't like New York, his father who doesn't like his black girlfriend, or his partners who don't appreciate what he does for the agency. Even when he's sniveling and trying to convince Don to keep him at the firm, he's trying to show that everything he's worth, trying to play the martyr, who has been losing money when all of them have been making money. But it's a problem of Lane's own creation. When he finally fesses up and tells Don that he needed the money for taxes Don asks, "Why didn't you ask?" Lane wanted to spare himself the humiliation, but wouldn't that have been better than the ultimate humiliation of being caught? Don tells him that the strange feeling he feels is relief, but I don't think it's the relief Don meant. It seems to be the clarity that the only way to solve his money problems, his visa problems, his career problems, and his life problems is to kill himself. Always the weak way out. His wife makes a similar mistake when she shows him his new Jaguar in the garage and he throws up behind a pole. She thinks that he is sick from the booze (which, probably didn't help) but he was really sick with the anxiety that he couldn't disappoint his wife by telling her the truth about stealing the money. Even Lane's suicide attempt is sad. Sure, the car doesn't start, but the saddest to me was that he breaks his own glasses. He takes them off, a symbol for his weakness but also his identity — a large accessory on his face that defined the way he looked to many people. He destroys that weakness, he destroys himself, but then he can't get the car to start. The weakness is still there, all around him. Instead he goes into the office and leaves a nasty mess for everyone else to find. The strangest thing is that Joan is the one sobbing at the table and not taking care of things. Is this the same Joan who calmly took care of the British guy who had his foot mowed off? Why wouldn't Joan be the one orchestrating everything, waiting for the coroner and cutting Lane down? Maybe it was because Don needed a way to show is "decency" to Lane one last time. But the final stab is that Lane's suicide note is a boiler plate resignation letter. He would rather hang himself in the office, taking a passive aggressive revenge on his coworkers, than try to deal with the humiliation of restarting his life or facing his embezzlement in the first place. I used to really like Lane, but after last night, I just pity him. Next:
  • The Five Most Amazingly Outrageous Moments of the Miss USA Pageant
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 03, 2012
    Here she is, Miss Amer — oops, that's the wrong pageant. Here she is, Miss USA, the winner of Donald Trump's annual beauty pageant and feeder to the coveted Miss Universe pageant. It's the representative from Rhode Island, Olivia Culpo! She took the crown thanks to her beauty, poise, a firey purpleish dress, and a wonderful answer to a question posed by you, the fans. At this time, I do not believe that Donald Trump has asked to see her long form birth certificate.  For the first year ever one of the big questions at the end of the night was sent via Twitter, and the question was whether or not the contestant thought it was fair if a transgender woman won Miss USA over a natural born woman. Olivia had a graceful answer about thinking that it was fair because, basically, this is a free country and everyone deserves a shot. Thanks for not giving us a flashback to that whole Carrie Prejean brouhaha from 2009. While the winner was deserving, lets look at a few of the things from the show that were a little bit over the top. The Names: While each of the ladies was absolutely stunning, some of them had some rather non-traditional names. Along with a slew of Ashleys, Jessicas, and Jamies, there was also Jaci, Kendyl, Nana, Rani, Ryanne (pronounced "Ryan"), Jazz, and (wait for it) Myverick. No, she was not from the great state of Alaska. Product Placement: At times the telecast seemed less like a beauty pageant and more like a segment on QVC, but with even more fake jewels. During the two hours we were treated to mentions of the following products: Wal-Mart, Rain Cosmetics, Chinese Laundry, Kooney Austraila, Australian Gold, the Trump International Hotel, Australian Gold, Diamond Nexus, New York Film Academy, Farouk Systems makers of Chi and Bio Silk, and a host of places in Las Vegas including Carlos and Charles, Qua Spa, Bobby Flay's Chop House at Ceasar's Palace, KGP Kerry's Burgers, Buca di Beppo, Sugar Factory an American Barserie, Mandalay Bay, the Garden of the Gods at Caesar's Palace, the Venetion, and of course we all know it was telecast live from Planet Hollywood! There were more sponsors than at an AA convention. Damn, how much money did this put in Donald Trump's pockets.  Nepotism: The hosts of the show were Bravo's Andy Cohen and E!'s Giuliana Rancic. Giuliana had some company from her show Fashion Police with Kelly Osbourne doing interviews and George Kotsiapolous serving as a judge. The other judges were Arsenio Hall (winner of Trump's Celebrity Apprentice), Rob Kardashian (whose show is on E!), Ali Fedotowsky (who hosts 1st Look on NBC), Cat Cora (a judge on Bravo's Around the World in 80 Plates), Dayana Mendoza (current Miss Universe), and Marilu Henner (an Apprentice contestant). Oh, and did we mention that both E! and Bravo are owned by NBC? The judge who didn't have an obvious link to NBC Universal or Donald Trump is Joe Jonas, and he's so fine we don't question his presence anywhere. Oh, and don't forget that Giuliana is married to the first winner of The Apprentice. The favoritism runs deep. So deep Arsenio Hall even asked a question name checking Andy Cohen's show Watch What Happens Live.  Fun Facts: While each of the contestants who made the cut in the top 16 was called we learned some fun facts about them, and they were all totally crazy. "She works the lunch shift," "she can drive a truck in high heels," "she graduated from college in only four and a half years," "she has three NBA players in her family," "she has a pet goat," "she kissed a stingray for good luck." Wow, are these even real.  Miss Ohio: OK, I was totally rooting for Miss Ohio, because she was for sure the most outrageous contestant. First of all she was the one who can drive a truck in high heels. Then she is the only one who wore a full gown and it was this canary yellow marshmellow monstrosity that looked just like what Belle wore in Beauty and the Beast but not nearly as floaty. It was the only one without bedazzles of all stripes and the announcer lady said she is "proud she's walking in that." And then, when Marilu Henner (who has a photographic memory) asked her if women are depicted well in movies and asked for an example. She replied that women are depicted well and cited Pretty Woman as her example. You mean the one about a hooker? That Pretty Woman? No wonder Rhode Island won. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Trial date set in former Miss USA's DUI case Moakler Resigns As Miss USA Director Miss USA: 'I Did Cocaine'
  • The MTV Movie Awards in the Year 2032
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 03, 2012
    Mazel Tov to the MTV Movie Awards, which is celebrating its 20th anniversary this year. That got me to thinking, what will this treasure trove of wacky categories, tween screeching, and OMG PDA be like in another two decades? I looked into my crystal ball and here is what it told me. —The ceremony will be hosted by Luca LaValle, the son of Snooki and Jionni LaValle who has subsequently become MTV's most popular on-screen personality. —The lifetime achievement award will be given to Kristen Stewart, who refuses to go away. —Vampire movies just made their retro return into pop culture and Madison Jones, the star of the Twilight remake, is the biggest celebrity in attendance. —Oscar winner Jaden Smith presents the award for Most Kick Ass 3D Hologram. —The most nominated movie of the night, the long-delayed Avatar 2, walks away with only one award for Best Rocket Ship. —There is a Hunger Games cast reunion. Woody Harrelson looks great! —No one thinks that Sacha Baron Cohen being mean is funny anymore, except Sacha Baron Cohen. Still, he tries to pull a stunt on the red carpet. —There is an "In Memoriam" montage for Betty White, who passed away at the age of 110. —The show adds a new category: Most Righteous Interactive Virtual Reality Experience. —For some reason Morrissey is still popular (teen angst is a renewable resource) and wins a golden popcorn in the Ear Phone Rockin' Musical Soundtrack category. —The show is only two minutes and 44 seconds, because that is the longest anyone's attention span can stretch without snapping. —When did Ryan Seacrest buy MTV and all of Viacom? —No one knows who Lindsay Lohan is, but Russell Brand, who no one else remembers either, makes a joke about her on the red carpet. —Lady Gaga is the big winner of the night for Best CGI Kiss for a scene where she makes out with herself in Lady Gaga: Monsters Mating With Monsters in Concert Live Show Tour, her sixth concert movie in 3D. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: MTV Movie Awards Winners: Which Winners Were Actually Good? Russell Brand to Host MTV Movie Awards 'The Hunger Games', 'Bridesmaids' Top MTV Movie Award Nominations
  • Why Do Kristen Stewart Movies Always Need a Love Triangle?
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 02, 2012
    Of all the ridiculous things in Snow White and the Huntsman, and there are more than its fairest of them all share, one of the most ridiculous is the love triangle between Snow White, the Huntsman, and a Prince Charming type named William. Snow and Billy Boy have been in love with each other since childhood and Snow and the Huntsman have the sort of growing affection that comes from a man saving a woman from trolls that you only seen in movies where they eventually kiss in the last scene. You know that kiss is coming (having Snow White without a kiss is like having Jackass without someone vomiting on themselves) but not knowing who it's going to be with doesn't create any additional excitement. Who cares? Really, they're going to make Kristen Stewart, an actress who is desperately trying to leave Twilight behind so that she can start the dawn of a new movie career, choose between two guys? Even anyone who hasn't seen a movie of the vampire franchise (myself included) knows that the major component of the movie is that she has to choose between Edward Sullen...I mean Cullen and Jacob Abdominals. Oh, and we all have to be Team Edward or Team Jacob. Doesn't it just seem like lazy storytelling to make her do it all over again? Now it looks like Snow White is trying to draw a line in the dark forest and get us to make a choice two. Who do we want to root for? The prince? The huntsman? I don't know about you, but I chose the evil queen Ravenna, because Charlize Theron's camp monster was the scariest and most compelling thing in the movie. But why do all these movies need teams these days? Even The Hunger Games is stuck in a lame Gale/Peeta feud (seriously, who would ever choose gruff Dale over swoony Peeta?). We all know who Kristen is going to pick. She's not going to pick the werewolf in the vampire movie. She's not going to pick the prince when there is "huntsman" right there in the title. She's not going to pick Ryan Reynolds but help Jesse Eisenberg leave his virginity in Adventureland and you know she's going to pick the panic room instead of Jordan Catalano with awful blond corn rows. Why are writers always making Kristen Stewart choose? Sure, the choice she makes in Snow White is a bit more unorthodox than in other places, but can't she just, for once, only have one guy to choose from? Can't we just see her falling in love instead of creating all these romantic straw men for the audience to root for who never have a chance? We're beginning to feel like Don Quixote every time we see Kristen and we're sick of all her leading man windmills. Or maybe she shouldn't fall in love at all. Won't someone write a story for her called Virgin where she plays a nun. Probably not. The screenwriter will probably hear Stewart is attached and make her choose between Jesus and Satan. For the record, I'm Team Satan, and Team Giving Kristen Something Else to Do. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Snow White and the Huntsman' Review 'Snow White' to Take a Bite Out of the Box Office Apple What Is Kristen Stewart Thinking? A Thought-Provoking Gallery
  • What Your Favorite Snow White Says About You
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 01, 2012
    They're in movies, they're on TV, they're in cartoons. There are more Snow Whites these days than you can shake a poison apple at. But not all of them are for everyone. Everyone has their favorite, and the one that you choose to love says a lot about who you are as a person. I'm gonna break it down for you based on some of the most prominent Snow Whites we've seen in recent years. Kristen Stewart in Snow White and the Huntsman: You are probably in your late teens or early 20s and love things before you have even seen them, and love people (Robert Pattinson, for instance) before you meet them in person. You have definitely seen Twilight and probably read the books. Your favorite character in The Hunger Games is Johanna Mason. You really like when shows on the CW feature a storyline about cutting. You can't pass a Hot Topic without at least browsing. You wish that two men would fight over you, but you're more likely to be fighting for attention. Lily Collins in Mirror, Mirror: You are one very specific lady somewhere in the Midwest (seriously, this movie only has one fan) and you think that if you met Julia Roberts, then the two of you would totally be, like, best friends. You'd get along so well and talk about your kids and Richard Gere and just laugh that huge horsey laugh that you both share. In fact, you often think of actresses more as your friends than people who have no idea who you are. I'm also seeing glimpses of a mini-van and participation in community thea-tah. Also, you have no clue who Lily's father is. Ginnifer Goodwin in Once Upon a Time: You are in your mid to late 20s and work in a creative field. You have a boyfriend and dream that one day he'll ask you to marry him and you'll get married in a big princess wedding and you'll wear a dress that's not tacky by your standards, but some others might think so (not Kim Zolciak wedding dress tacky, but like Princess Diana wedding dress tacky). You love Us Weekly and often get in arguments about whether or not celebrities are actually pregnant. You love 'NSYNC and sometimes have dreams about Justin Timberlake where he sings just for you. Disney's Snow White: You're still not on Facebook. Why? Oh, because the future is so bright and scary. Why do they have to go ruining Snow White all the time when there is a perfectly good one right there on DVD! You have been to Disney World more than once while wearing socks with your sandals (probably Tevas, but any old sandals also count). You shop at Old Navy (but hate the commercials) and saw Mary Poppins on Broadway last time came to New York. There is definitely a Perkin's breakfast in your near future. Snow White from Shrek: You are the kind of guy who only likes things that no one else likes (Community) and hates things that everyone else loves (The Dark Knight movies). Actually you define yourself and others through their pop cultural choices, mostly the movies they like and the TV shows they watch. You own a Blu-ray player. You have gotten into more than one fight in a bar about who played what role in a certain movie. You named your bong. Snow White from The Oscars with Rob Lowe: You are an American homosexual male. You watch the Tonys and the Oscars live and DVR the AMAs, the MTV Movie Awards, and the Miss Universe pageant, mostly so you can see the outfits. You own at least one John Waters DVD and know all the words to "Ladies Who Lunch." You are, shocking to everyone who knows you, a top. That girl from Snow White: A Tale of Terror: I have no idea who you are, you freak. You love Sigourney Weaver of course (but who doesn't) but you also love turning cute fairy tales into something mean cruel and awful. God, what kind of jerk are you? You probably don't have any friends and drive a Honda. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Snow White' Designer Talks Kristen and Charlize — EXCLUSIVE Kristen Stewart wants Snow White sequel 'Snow White' to Take a Bite Out of the Box Office Apple
  • Everything I Learned in Life I Learned from 'Game of Thrones'
    By: Brian Moylan Jun 01, 2012
    Everyone gets all excited about Game of Thrones for different reasons. Dragons! Politics! Kings! Battles! Nudity! Peter Dinklage! Fantasy! Oh, there are a million reasons to love the show, which ends is maniacal machinations for the season this Sunday night. But I don't just love it, I use it as a teaching tool. Yes a whole philosophy can be based off of the lessons that we're taught continuously by the show. Here are some of my favorites. Be Nice to the Help It is always your subordinates that are going to get you out of trouble. Just when things are the direst there is the slave girl who will screw the palace invader so that she can sneak you out the back door. When someone is going to kill you, there is your handmaid to tell you about a back door. Just after you get sliced across the face in battle, your page is there to run the offender through with a sword. Even Tywin Lanister was nice to Arya, which is probably the only thing that kept her from killing him (too bad she didn't spare the guards). Just don't be too nice to the help. Cersei slept with her protector and that got her nothing but betrayed. Friendships are fine, but know where the boundaries are. Always Talk During Sex Getting laid is great, but no one wants a limp noodle lying there in bed. If you can't talk about the plot your about to hatch, the political structure of the capital city, or just how you're going to storm that castle, then you are knocking boots incorrectly. You should at least talk dirty. Tell them what they're doing and how it's wrong. Good sex comes from great communication, even if one party is only communicating with the audience at home. Girls Who Dress Like Boys Are Awesome You thought Arya Stark was cool when she was learning how to fight, but how about when she's running from the evil Lannisters dressed as a boy and infiltrating their inner circle as Tywin's cup bearer. Absolute genius. And let's not forget Brienne of Tarth, who is the only female knight in the land and a fierce defender of whichever royal she may be in charge of at any minute. Theon Greyjoy's sister may not dress like a man, but she is in control like one, and she's the only member of the family I could spend more than a day on a ship with. Sure there are some great female characters on the show (Arya's mother and Brienne's lady Catelyn Stark for one) but the best are the ladies who are doing it for themselves, and showing the men just how it's done. Dragons Cook Their Own Meat It's like they have a little hibachi in their mouths. Who knew? Always Wear a Hat The only reason I learned this is because Jon Snow and the other "crows" of the night's watch are too stupid to ever wear hats, or even hoods. They're supposed to be experts of the cold weather north of the wall and they never wear anything on their heads. The "wildlings," who the crows think are stupid, know better. Hell, even I know better and I'm just from Wallingford, Connecticut, not the actual Wall. You're gonna lose an ear to frostbite without some protection. They're lugging around their body weight in black furs, can't they spare a little extra for something around the face? There's a Reason Incest Is Illegal And it's name is Joffrey Baratheon. God, that awful twit was born without a freaking soul. He's just an evil, awful, horrible human being. He's the one person on the show who is just thoroughly evil. There are no mitigating circumstances or moral relativity, he is just a psychopath who deserves getting hit in the face with horse shit and every other awful thing that happens to him. It's because his father is also his uncle. It's got to be, right? Never Trust a Redhead While blond hair is the mark of the Lannisters and their incestuous dalliance, the red hair is the mark of something else entirely. First of all we have Melisandre, the witch priestess who queefs clouds of murderous darkness. Then there is Catelyn Stark, who won't listen to what anyone says and makes crazy decisions about releasing Jamie Lannister on a whim. And there's her daughter Sansa, who is pretty fierce (also pretty and fierce), but is lying to Joffrey's face to stay alive. Oh, and let's not forget about Catelyn's crazy sister who lives in the Aerie and breast feeds her eight-year-old like she's on the cover of Time or John Snow's girlfriend for Downton Abbey who was all "let's get naked in the snow" only to have her tribesmen take him captive. All the redheads are totally nuts. Run! Whenever s**t is going down, get the hell out of there. Take off, do not look back, do not return to help out other people or pick up something you left. If you have the opportunity to flee, take it! There is no dishonor in living to fight another day. If you don't, you'll end up like Ned Stark. No one wants their shoulders to be lonesome for their head. Winter Is Coming Don't think about it practically, think about it existentially. Winter is always coming. Even in these early days of summer, the darkness and cold is approaching. Nefarious actions are taking place and doom is upon us. Even that final winter, the one of icy death, is coming, somewhere down the road probably sooner than you can imagine. It will be here in a flash, so drink that Dornish wine while you can. Sleep with the whores and do battle. Watch all the TV you want and live life like you're never going to see another gold coin ever again. Winter is coming, just around the corner, so dance with maidens fair and plentiful. Then grab yourself a sweater. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Game of Thrones Adds Some New Faces Game of Thrones Recap: Blackwater Game of Thrones Recap: Preparation