Author

Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Lady Gaga Is Banned from Indonesia
    By: Brian Moylan May 15, 2012
    Lady Gaga, that lady of a million chart-topping singles and even more outfits, isn't going to be allowed to bring either her songs or her costume changes to 52,000 screaming fans in Indonesia next month. The mostly Muslim nation has barred her from entering the country. After critiques from clerics that her outfits are too scanty and that her lyrics too Satanic (yeah, "Judas" isn't my favorite either, but "Satanic?"), the national police have denied her a permit to perform at the Gelora Bung Karno stadium in Jakarta. Well, it looks like she won't be able to share her damaging ethos of acceptance, tolerance, and ergonomically impossible high heels. What a danger she is to their youth. Gaga is currently on the Asian leg of her "Born This Way Ball and also met with opposition from Christian critics in Korea. Well, you can certainly say that Lady Gaga's music makes the people come together... to protest. (Oh, wait. Isn't that a Madonna song? Same thing.) She's currently in Tokyo, which doesn't seem to offer any resistance and sure seems like a good time. She even tweeted this picture of herself on stage in a new version of her iconic meat dress. This one looks far more manageable on a nightly basis. Hopefully it's not made of real meat. Maybe that's why Indonesia shut her down, because of health code violations. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Lady Gaga Engaged? The Singer Shows Off Engagement Ring — PIC Lady Gaga & Justin Bieber Outed as Aliens in ‘Men in Black 3’ Lady Gaga Admits To Struggling With Bulimia in High School
  • 'Survivor' Recap: Just One of the Girls
    By: Brian Moylan May 14, 2012
    So, Candice Bergen won this whole damn thing. Good for you, Candice Bergen. You deserved it. Honestly this finale was rather a let down to watch, mostly because Candice Bergen's win was as inevitable as a Hunger Games sequel. The only real surprise was that she didn't take Miss Congeniality Alycia and Sad Sack Christina to the end but decided to stick out her alliance with Sabrina and some blonde ghost that kept wafting through the episode. But all of that is moot because, well, she won anyway. Instead of going through the episode step-by-step (you probably already watched it!) let's do a round up of things about it that I loved and that I hated. Things I Loved: The Winner: Candice Bergen clearly deserved to win. All season she dominated the game physically, strategically, and socially. She was the only one who seemed to do anything. Mike (or Matt, maybe. Whatever, it was one of the guys with abs) said at the final tribal that the flaw in her game is that she got all the blame for the blindsides. The problem is that with the blame comes the credit. Sabrina and Chelsea tried to pretend like they had game, but they really couldn't point to one thing that they did to get them to the finals. Their arguments were all, "Oh, we tried not to do anything. We looked like we didn't do shit on purpose." Yeah, that's a winning strategy. Krazy Kat: Speaking of Kat, I loved her performance at the final tribal. I knew she was going to do something Krazy because the producers saved her until last, but when she got up there, she didn't rant and ramble about how she got stabbed in the back, she went on this crazy diatribe about how she is forgiving everyone because she has had a million open-heart surgeries and that is why she thinks life is too short and she wants to have kids some day and she poured us all a margarita so dig in! Yeah, it didn't make much sense, but it was cool. Sobbing Sabrina: The best outpouring of emotion all night, and perhaps all season, was Sabrina's breakdown on the beach the final day when she told the camera that she was a laid-off teacher and really wished that she could have shared this experience with all of the kids who live in the tough neighborhood where she teaches to show that that anything is possible. I'm welling up even now. I'm shocked that there wasn't some Kleenex Crying Booth for all the women to sob in. Get in that product placement! The Challenges: The final final challenge, where the ladies had to maneuver little buckets through a rebar maze that looks like it was taken from the opening montage of the Cosby Show and stack them all up on top. This is much better than the endurance challenges that used to cap a Survivor season, because everyone has an equal shot. Even Christina almost made it to the end, and she hasn't done anything since episode two where she got fire from the boys. Candice Bergen won, of course. She also won the challenge before, which was awesomely complicated. The contestants had to untie a bunch of knots, pull out a board, open a gate, walk on a balance beam maze, cross s cargo net, pick up puzzle pieces (with more knots), do a puzzle, count a bunch of stuff, run up a ramp, climb a ladder, put a combination from the puzzle into device pull out a sword, run around the island three times on one leg, say "How much Probst would a Jeff Probst Probst if a Jeff Probst could Probst Probst," sit for an interview with the hostesses of The Talk, finish a dissertation on French existentialism, and then run for president. Whoever got the most votes from the electoral college would win. Atheism: Is it just me or were the last few season of Survivor really Jesus-y? I'm glad we got a finale where only Sabrina thanked God (and in a nice, tasteful manner) and there was no prayer circle, intoning the name of the savior, or discussion of Christian morals. Thank Christ. NEXT: Things I Hated (Another Final Three?! Sigh.) Things I Hated: The March of the Fallen Comrades: The one thing I will say about the travesty of Redemption Island is that it got rid of the traditional "march of the fallen comrades," where the final players walk by all the torches of the contestants voted out and remember each one. While this is a nice reminder of those who got kicked out (especially early in the game), it's a huge waste of time and guaranteed fast-forward while watching. Can't we find something else to fill up the time? The Final Three: Sorry, Survivor but it's time to go back to having a final two like you used to in the old days. Not only does it rob the final immunity challenge winner of deciding exactly who he or she sits next to in the finale, it means that, even at the final four, there are enough people to force a tie and have all hell break loose. I think that's bullshit. Also there is something way more inherently dramatic about a duo facing off rather than a polyamorous triumvirate, especially when one of those three hardly ever gets any votes. It's never been anywhere close to a three-way tie and in the years where there were three people taken to the final, there is always one or more people who don't really deserve to be there. The Final Tribal Council: Remember when people used to actually ask the final contestants a question and let them answer and that someone (like Todd Herzog in China) could talk their way into $1 million clams? Those days are gone. Now the final tribal council is the "airing of grievances" like Mr. Constanza has at Festivus. Each player gets up there, talks about themselves, doesn't ask a question, and then sits back down. It's like that annoying girl in your college class who started every comment she made with, "When I did a semester in Prague... " We don't care about you, Prague, or your statement. And stop being such selfish narcissists. Miss Congeniality Alycia: You were never a contender. You were never in control. You never played a good game. You never had pawns. Candice Bergen had you beat the whole mother floundering time. The rest is just your ego and delusion. Tarzan's Big Words: His using a thesaurus like a bludgeon is not a character trait, it was an annoying affectation like his big, bushy mustache and his shirt, which was a cast off from a Color Me Badd video from 1997. Tarzan, we know you're smart. You don't have to tell us you're acute, adept, agile, alert, apt, astute, bold, brainy, bright, brilliant, brisk, canny, clever, crafty, effective, eggheaded, fresh, genius, good, impertinent, ingenious, keen, knowing, long-haired, nervy, nimble, on the ball, pert, pointed, quick, quick-witted, ready, resourceful, sassy, sharp, shrewd, skull, slick, whiz, and wise too. Intervention with Jeff Probst: Yes, we know that the host of the game has to give commentary and he has to wring out as much drama as possible from the proceedings, but since when is Jeff Probst the authority on how to play the game of Survivor? He yells at Sabrina at the challenges for not being more of a force. Um, Jeff, did you ever think she might be trying not to win on purpose? Isn't not winning as much of a strategic maneuver as winning? Then he cusses out Christina for not trying harder to convince the other women to keep her. She played the entire game with a shrug, why would you think she would fight now? And isn't it okay to not fight? He may disagree with it, but it is her game and she's welcome to play it any way she likes. I would like to see Jeff commenting more on what is going on and trying to influence the proceedings a little less. That's all I have to say for now. What did you love or hate? Do you love that they're coming up with a reason to bring Colton back next season or do you hate them for it? Let me know! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: The Winner of Survivor: One World Is... Survivor Recap: Odd Man Out Survivor Recap: It's a Kat Fight
  • 'Mad Men' Recap: Fat Betty's Thanksgiving Spectacular
    By: Brian Moylan May 14, 2012
    I'm sorry, everyone, but I love Fat Betty. I love her like I love watching the Hulk rip off an alien's head, like I love watching King Joffrey get hit with shit in the face, like I love watching the continued cultural irrelevance of Taylor Hicks. I love it like all of those things and even more. Then she goes and takes a big mouth-full of Readi-Whip and spits it out in the sink and there I am, sitting in my living room, giggling with glee. If only Don and Megan would let her know about Cool-Whip, she might be back to her old fighting weight. Yes, I just love Fat Betty so much, because she is the ultimate villain on the show and this is her ultimate punishment. She is a woman who puts so much stock in appearance, in the pristine shellack that has coated her entire life, that when that is taken away, she has absolutely nothing left. An ugly Betty (not the TV show) is a Betty that has no reason to live, that has absolutely nothing to aspire to. The outside ugliness finally matches the grossness inside. She might weigh out her little cubes of cheese and count her bites with tiny head tilts, she might go to Weight Watchers and squeeze her fat ass into a tiny school room chair, but it's not helping. The reason is, as we hear in Weight Watchers, that the dieters should fill themselves up with their children, their husbands, their happiness, and their wonderful lives instead of food. But Betty has none of that. Her husband has backed the wrong candidate for President and will probably head on to a path of political and professional irrelevance, her daughter hates her and would rather spend time with her step mother, and her happiness — it has always been as elusive as trying to catch a sunbeam in your hand. What Fat Betty is left with is an intense longing. When she goes to Don's house to pick up the kids she sees a gorgeous, expensive apartment that could have been hers. She looks out at the city and she imagines how her life with Don could have been different. How they could have been young and beautiful in the city if everything about their lives hadn't told them to get married and live the Dick and Jane life in the suburbs. She could have had it all and instead, she's fat and living in the Munster's house with some rich dilettante. Then, to make it even worse, Fat Betty catches Skinny Megan in just her bra and sees everything that she used to be, everything she wants to be again, and she hates it. That's what makes her gobble down that whip cream like she's Demi Moore looking for her next Whip-It hit. She's trying to fill that longing inside of her with the closest thing at hand (too bad it wasn't Bugles). She does spit it out, but she's already sabotaging herself. That's what this episode was all about, people screwing over other people and screwing themselves over in the process. As Roger says, it's every man (or fat housewife) for himself. Betty is trying to lose a half pound every week, but she's still scarfing down that whipped cream. Her husband is supportive, but cooking steaks in the middle of the night. When he cuts off a little piece of steak for her, she eats it, but she cries inside because she knows that he doesn't care if she's a little fat, just like he doesn't care if he's successful at his job. He has given up, and she wants to fight again, to get back what she had. She wants Don with his destructive ambition and firm hand keeping her in check. In order to get her old life back, she has a bit of sabotage of her own. After seeing Skinny Megan and her fabulous apartment and finding a love note Don left her on the back of a drawing that Bobby did, Fat Betty tells Sally about Anna, Don's first wife. We all know that Dick Whitman never married Anna, but he had to pretend to be married to her so that his Don Draper facade could keep going and so that he wouldn't be arrested for deserting the army. This is the secret that tore Don and Betty apart for good and Betty thinks that Don won't have told Megan, so if she has Sally tell Megan then Megan will get mad at Don and then they'll break up. Not only does this ruin Sally's relationship with Megan (who Sally calls a "phony" for lying to her and trying to be her friend) but it causes exactly the fight that Betty was hoping for when Megan tells Don what Sally asked. But Megan is too smart for Betty and keeps Don from calling her. Sally hears nothing but their fighting, something that gives Betty and her tactic power in her mind, but it is a power that Don strips away the next morning. He tells Sally, in that gruff and caring way that will scare you into a loving compliance, about Anna and sets the record straight. He doesn't give her all the details (she's still a kid, of course) but sketches it out enough that she won't be too curious. It seems like Don Draper is finally integrated with Dick Whitman, at least as far as letting his wife and family know that he's not the glamorous man from nowhere that he used to paint himself as. He is no longer the man that Betty knew. The one question I have about the whole thing is if, after the camera cut away, Don and Megan really sat Sally down and showed her pictures of Anna and talked about it like she told Betty they did or if that was Sally's revenge on her mother. Is there was something we didn't see or if Sally has learned the art of subtle cruelty at her mother's knee so well that she made up a story that would infuriate Betty in just the right way. Is that what she learned in the hall, that being deceitful was power? Questions abound and I hate to think of Sally as evil, but Fat Betty deserves it. Next:
  • The Winner of 'Survivor: One World' Is...
    By: Brian Moylan May 13, 2012
    A woman! But you knew that already if you've been watching Survivor: One World this season where the women have dominated the game. In fact the entire final five can all sing Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." I'm about to reveal who took home the $1 million smackeroonies, so if you don't want to know, then hit the back button now. As if you didn't see it coming, Kim Sprandlin, a bridal shop owner from Texas, is the latest to enter the Richard Hatch fraternity of people who made a million bucks by sitting on a desert island with a bunch of bugs, eating a bunch of coconuts, and screwing a bunch of people over. Kim, who I lovingly called Candice Bergen in my recaps, was a dominating force both physically and socially in the game winning a good number of challenges while orchestrating the ouster of nearly every player after the merge. She beat out Sabrina, a well-liked teacher, and some blonde ghost who didn't do much for anything. Kim's biggest move in the game was convincing the other guys to vote out other men so that she and her alliance of women could run roughshod over everyone with a Y chromosome. Congratulations, Candice, you are the victor of a boring season of Survivor where we saw the ending coming a few months ago. That doesn't make you any less of a winner. Stay tuned for a full recap of the last episode here on Monday morning. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Survivor' Recap: Odd Man Out 'Survivor' Recap: It's a Kat Fight 'Survivor' Recap: Queens of the Jungle
  • These Are TV's Most Horrible Moms
    By: Brian Moylan May 13, 2012
    Happy Mother's Day! Today everyone will be celebrating the nice ladies who toiled for hours in labor to give birth to them. We'll also be celebrating the wonderful women who give us an idealized version of what motherhood is like from their portrayals on the old tube of boobs. But for every June Cleaver and Clair Huxtable, there are more and more absolutely horrible specimens of parenting. Here are some of the absolute abominations that Dr. Spock (no, not the one from Star Trek) could teach a thing or two. Betty Draper: Mad Men's resident ice princess has done all sorts of awful and selfish things in her day, but nothing is worse than the casual way with which she ignores her children, especially young Sally who is often crying for help. This season she's left them at home with her battle axe mother-in-law while trotting off with her new husband. Even when she is around, most of her discipline can be boiled down to a terse, "Go to your room." And there was all that smoking while pregnant stuff. Nancy Botwin: Selling drugs isn't the worst of this mom-sters worries. We've seen her go from a woman trying to sell pot to make ends meet to becoming an actual sociopath with a son who is a murderer and another one who hates her but wants to join the family business. What will Weeds do next? Have her actually kill one of them? Susan Mayer: Thankfully, Desperate Housewives ends on this Mother's Day and takes Teri Hatcher's awful mothering with it. She spent so much time whining about her troubles to her teenage daughter that Julie fled Wisteria Lane. Then, when she had a second kid, she couldn't keep him from being kidnapped by a vengeful murderer. It got so bad we had to stop watching. NEXT: Money can't buy you class. Victoria Grayson: I'm shocked that Victoria's children Daniel and Charlotte haven't tried to get vengeance on their mother on Revenge. When she's not cold and calculating, she's smothering and manipulative. And that's when she's not lying to them about who their real fathers are. Nurse Jackie: Sure, having a drug addiction, cheating on your husband, and living a double life is one thing, but not being able to stop when your children (including one with severe mental problems) are in danger is another. She can't even take a tap class with her daughter without it ending in a nasty mess. Cersei Lannister: You might say the queen mother of Westeros was a good mother and knows how to play the Game of Thrones, but when you look at her evil offspring (sired by her own brother), you'll see that she's only been looking out for herself all along. NEXT: Horror Stories Lily van der Woodsen: This society dame may be at the center of Gossip Girl's world, but she was absent for many years of raising her children while she was off marrying Klaus and Claus. Even when they live with her they're partying, drugging, and letting guys die of overdoses in strange hotel rooms. Then Eric, her suicidal gay son, just drops off the face of the earth and she doesn't even wonder about him. You think with all that money she'd buy a nanny... or a clue. Regina Mills: Once Upon a Time she poisoned her own step-daughter with a poisoned apple. Now, after an evil curse, she has an adopted son that she neglects so often that he's just running around town with his biological mother and sneaking out of her house in the middle of the night. Everyone on American Horror Story: If you thought that Vivien Harmon was a bad mom for not noticing for a few months that her depressed daughter was dead, just wait until you meet Constance, who killed one of her sons because he was ugly, forced the other one to spend her time in a mirrored closet, and had a complicated relationship with another son who was a psychotic mass murderer. Oh, and now she's raising the child of demons. Thank god neither of them are back next season. NEXT: Bad, bad Breaking Bad Mom. Jenna Maroney: You don't really think of the 30 Rock ditzy diva as having children, but when she gets together a reunion of her egg donor babies, she completely shuns the one who isn't blond and pretty. That's no laughing matter. (Okay, it totally is.) Lori Grimes: Lori, you live in a world full of zombies. How do you never know where your kid is? Skyler White: First of all she was so stupid that she didn't know her husband was a meth cooker on Breaking Bad. Then, after she found out, she was so stupid to go spending all of his money and get him in trouble with gangsters. God, Skyler, get a clue. And let Walter Jr have his cool car already. Gillian Darmody: There are a lot of awful parents on this list, but this Boardwalk Empire mess takes the Mother's Day brunch. Not only did she raise her son in front of showgirls and prostitutes, but when he was older she actually slept with him! The only person who is possibly worse than that is... well, no one! More: TV and Movies to Avoid With Your Mom This Mother's Day
  • Whitney Houston's Family Signs Reality Show Deal
    By: Brian Moylan May 11, 2012
    Whitney Houston died only three months ago and already her family has signed a deal to star in a Lifetime reality show called The Houston Family Chronicles. The networked announced the deal today and the show will start airing by the end of the year. We're going to get to see Whitney's sister-in-law and former manager Pat, her husband Gary, and their daughter Rayah as well as Whitney's mother Cissy. Bobbi-Kristina, the singer's daughter with Bobby Brown, will also appear on the show. This will be Bobbi-Kris' second time on a reality show, after one season of Bravo's Being Bobby Brown where she learned that her father once pulled a turd out of her mother's ass. Yes, this is what the Houston family's history with reality shows are. Why would Pat let this happen to her family again? She insists that the deal has nothing to do with Whitney's death and that she's been negotiating this deal for years. Well, that may be the case, but, come on. The deal finally happens while the corpse is still warm? And she thinks that is just a coincidence? If so, then she didn't learn anything from the last foray into this genre that is made to exploit people's emotional frailty. This is not going to end well, me believes. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Whitney Houston Dies at Age 48 Whitney Houston Biopic in the Works: Too Soon? 'Sparkle' Trailer: Whitney Houston Passes the Torch in Final Film
  • A Requiem for the Sitcom Kicker
    By: Brian Moylan May 11, 2012
    We are gathered here today to mourn the sad passing of a beloved friend. While he has been missing for many years it was just last night, while sitting shiva over the decimated carcass of NBC's "Must See TV," that I realized he is finally dead. Yes, the sitcom kicker has passed and may never rise again. What is this kicker? Known to writers as a "tag," it is that short final scene of a sitcom that plays as the credits roll. I have not seen a complete one of these in several years. They have been absolutely destroyed. How many times are you watching television and just when Cam is going to tell Mitchell something hilarious about being a clown does the show cut off and your DVR menu flashes up on the screen with only three options: Save, Delete, Restart. Where is the option for finishing the damn joke? Instead, we're left wondering just what Leslie Knope was going to say as she turned to one of her compatriots to deliver her punchline or just what Zooey Deschanel's latest uncomfortable euphemism for a sex act is on New Girl. We never know in just what way Liz Lemon is going to humiliate herself with Cheesy Blasters, why there are so many people drinking wine out of huge glasses on Cougar Town, or why, oh why, a fat man is lowering himself into a tub full of strawberry jam on Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23. The mystery will never, ever be solved. And the murdering party is the DVR. When you watch these shows on a DVR the networks refuse to line the end time of the episode up with when your DVR stops recording. And it doesn't help if you tape the next show either, because in so many instances, you miss the brief punchline in that microsecond where the DVR stops taping one show and starts taping another. Oh, so I guess that means it isn't the DVR that killed this tasty morsel after all. That (as Miss Scarlet says in Clue) is just a red herring. It is the networks, who refuse to accommodate for the audience that watches their shows at their own leisure rather than following their draconian schedule. The networks know when the show starts and when the show ends. They know when your DVR is going to stop filming and if the final joke falls within that time frame or not. They also know that starting their shows at 9:01 and ending them at 10:02 totally screws up our elaborately stacked and stratified DVRs (especially on a Sunday night) so that you can't tape all the shows you want. They know all this and they refuse to comply, even though more than 40% of homes (that's almost half for those of you who skipped Algebra to smoke pot under the bleachers) have a DVR. The victim isn't us, it is the show. It's the room of people who sit around thinking up these little comic desserts for the audience. It's the actors who act them out, these Grace Allens who never get to give the clever rejoinder that their patient straight men set up for them. And it's the networks who we rage against because they refuse to let us watch TV the way we want to. They need to realize that the age of sitting around watching Ross and Rachel right on the dot at 8 PM on a Thursday is as extinct as dinosaurs, rotary telephones, and NBC being the lead network. Instead of trying to force us into their outdated mode of watching, why not evolve and make the most of it? Why not find a new, clever way to make shows fit within the time constraints of the mindless robot army of television recording devices that are slowly taking this nation over like an episode of The Sarah Connor Chronicles (RIP). But they won't. And we fall for it every gosh darn week. We fast forward through that final commercial break and watch the first half of the joke before it's cut off. Every week we hold out hope that finally, finally someone has figured out how we can see why there are naked people running through The Office or something something on Community that people on the internet are going to be drooling over that I just don't care about because I refuse to watch this show on TV, DVR, or otherwise. It just means that, until everyone gets their act together, our dear friend, the star shining atop the sitcom Christmas tree, that last loving joke, will be dead. It will just like there week after week cut in half like some struggling starlet in the first act of a Saw movie. Still the most important thing to remember, the funniest thing of all is... Save Delete Restart Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Our Meme-Tastic (Faux) Interview with Purrfect the Cat What Your Favorite Vampire Says About You '30 Rock', 'Parks and Rec', 'Community' All On Track To Return
  • Zooey Deschanel to Make Broadway Debut in 'Coal Miner's Daughter'
    By: Brian Moylan May 11, 2012
    Last night on stage at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville country legend Loretta Lynn announced that Coal Miner's Daughter, the biopic about her humble beginnings, is coming to Broadway. She also announced that she would be played by satchel of pixie dust Zooey Deschanel. An announcement wasn't enough, Zooey D. even came out on stage and performed a duet of the title song in front of a country-loving crowd. Zooey, being the modern woman that she is, made the same announcement on Twitter, which is like a 140 character Grand Olde Opry performance every day. This pairing is going to be good. Zooey not only croons about cotton in commercials and dances with Siri in the rain, she's quite an accomplished musician and vocalist (she has a band called She & Him, if you didn't know) so she should have no problem matching Lynn's signature style. It's her acting that might prove to be a bit troublesome. She's best known for her roles when she's twee and winsome, twirling around in a skirt and flirtily batting her eyes at some lucky boy. It will be interesting to see her play someone poor and simple trying to follow her dreams and get out of poverty and into the shining world of country. And she has big shoes to fill. Sissy Spacek won an Oscar in 1980 for her portrayal of Lynn in the famous film version. It's hard enough trying to impress the sharpened quills of the Broadway critics, and even worse when there's such a wonderful record of the same role so readily available. The other complication is that this is going to have to be a limited run for Deschanel, who is currently starring in Fox's hit sitcom New Girl. Even if she spends her entire hiatus doing eight shows a week in New York, she can only be on stage for several months before the curtain will have to go down and she'll have to go back to her day job (and that doesn't even account for rehearsal time, previews, and catching up on the first season of Smash so she'll have something to talk to the chorus boys about). If she doesn't even have time to date because of the show, how is she going to have time to learn lines, memorize songs, and hit all of her marks? It's a tough spot to have too many jobs, but it's Broadway fans who will be left in the lurch if the show turns out to be a hit. Maybe the producers should start looking for qualified replacements right now. Kellie Pickler is updating her resume right now (yeah, break a leg, Kellie.) Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Zooey Deschanel, the Single Girl: 'I Don't Have Time To Date' 'New Girl' Recap: Do The 'White Fang' Tom Hanks Set to Make Broadway Debut
  • It's Official: 'Cougar Town' is Renewed... And Moving to TBS
    By: Brian Moylan May 10, 2012
    Break out the extra big wine glasses, because Cougar Town has been saved from cancellation. However the Courtney Cox sitcom isn't staying on ABC, where it has been largely ignored and buffeted around by the network for its three seasons, but instead will be on TBS. The cable channel will get two seasons of the show starting in 2013, each to be roughly 15 episodes. TBS has always had great success with reairing network comedies, so why not just pluck one out and start making their own episodes? Fans of the show will probably follow it to its new home, where it will get some of the much-needed and much-deserved attention from the PR department. Any funny sitcom that survives in this world of Two and a Half People and 2 Girls and a Million Racial Stereotypes is fine by us, no matter where it lives. (And might we suggest some changes?) Tonight, let us rejoice and all play a rousing game of Penny Can (Penny CAAAAAAAANNNN) on the cul-de-sac. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Cougar Town' Moving to TBS? How the Show Might Change 'Cougar Town' Officially Has a Return Date A 'Scrubs' Reunion Is Headed for 'Cougar Town'Cougar Town
  • 'Survivor' Recap: Odd Man Out
    By: Brian Moylan May 10, 2012
    Is it possible that Tarzan, a grown man named after a cartoon with a walrus beard and a shirt out of the TJ Maxx Warehouse Sale from 1997 who throws his shitty underwear in a pot and wears a pair of polka-dot panties on his head, has been punking us all along? Is Tarzan stupid...like a fox? It can't be possible. Or maybe it is? He is a surgeon who knows a lot of big words. Like a hairy Jessica Rabbit, he's not dumb, he's just played that way. But when he comes back from kicking Kat to the Kurb, he tells Candice Bergen (an actress who is played by a woman named Kim) that her best bet is to keep him and Miss Congeniality Alycia and Christina and take the other two women to the end, which is honestly Candice Bergen's best bet. He says that when she kicks him out at four, that he'll lobby for her with the jury. Then, as soon as she leaves he tells Alycia the same thing. Was that double crossing? Was that lying? Was that...stategery? Tarzan might have been waiting in the bushes all the time getting ready to pounce on this camp full of Janes at his first chance. First he set up Candice Bergen and Miss Congeniality after tribal. Then he went after Christina and Alycia again at camp after a ghost won the reward challenge and takes Sabrina and Candice Bergen hostage. (Personal to ghost: it is not a "fair" choice to take your two best friends with you on the reward challenge, just because you say it's fair. No one else thought that was fair. That's like calling a chocolate cake "low cal" and then being surprised when you get fat.) But Tarzan's reasoning is sound, especially after he convinces Christina and Miss Congeniality to take him to the end. Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot that Alycia declared herself HRH Sovereign Queen of All Games Social. That's right. (Quick reminder: it was just a few weeks ago that Queen Carlotta of Mortville was cackling with queeny King Colton about throwing Christina in a fire because they were going to vote her out. That's her social game?) Tarzan convinced Christina and Queen Congeniality to take him to the end. This is really their best bet. No one stands a chance against Candice Bergen if she makes it to the final. That's just it. Sure, she has it sewn up and still has an idol to play, but if they're dumb enough to let her sit on one of those final three stumps, they're all dead. Tarzan would probably beat out Alycia and Christina, but these two probably don't have a chance against anyone, even a ghost who can't even hold $1 million in her see-through hands. Christina and Queen Congeniality seem to know that, but Candice Bergen is also a player. She goes to the Queen's court (which is a sandy-bottomed seat on the beach) and they start talking about Tarzan and Candice Bergen convinces Her Magesty that Tarzan is playing them both. He's out to get them. She also uses the "lady card." It's funny that, more than in years past when Survivor has segregated the cast by gender, race, or national origin (PS: I'd love a MENSA sponsored-season where one tribe is all smart and one is all dullards) that the Men vs. Women trope has really worked this time around. That may have to do with the fact that the tribes were right next to each other, which meant more antagonism and competition early between the tribes. But, yes, Candice puts the fear of a man winning the whole thing in the other girls' minds and that is enough to send Tarzan home. There is always talk of a "woman's alliance" but the only time it ever worked was when Pavarti jiggled her way to a win in Fans Vs. Favorites. Usually it either breaks down or never gets off the ground. But these girls have been together since the beginning, probably because the guys treated them like such crap when they were cold and starving at the beginning of the game. The rest of the episode is just posturing. The Queen walks away with immunity after piecing together a bunch of fish bones like she's an outcast from a Heathcliffe cartoon and they kick out Tarzan. There is some talk about exorcising a ghost, about getting this blond specter to go into the light and join Carol Anne, but it's never going to happen. It probably should have. If Christina, a pinky toenail of a woman, did something other than just lie there and get caught in your socks she would have kept Tarzan, and so would the Queen. If they want to win (good luck!) they should have gotten rid of the blond ghost who has been using her supernatural powers to push Candice Bergen toward a win. Anyway, the finale is sort of anti-climatic at this point, we all know Candice is going to take it. The only way it will be exciting is if they find a way to get her out. But I don't think they will. Murphy Brown 4eva. I will leave you with this: A brief discussion about Kat at tribal council. Oh, she was pissed! She showed up with her face like a knuckle and she was ready to beat on everyone there. She called them bitches, she called them churls, she called the all sorts of words she doesn't understand but Tarzan taught her in those quiet moments in the tent. Oh, Kat, you were so incredibly smug the whole game, especially when you went out at the end, that you deserve having to sit there with that bitter pill in your mouth and choke on it. And then, the ultimate indignity, Tarzan with his drawers on your head. Tarzan, who you hated so much, putting those green panties on his soiled forehead like an Indian headdress and dancing around the fire, calling and patting his mouth in some sort of tragic Native American conjuring spell. And now, here you are, crying because he lasted longer than you. Sucks to be you. Sucks, sucks, forever. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Survivor' Recap: It's a Kat Fight 'Survivor' Recap: Queens of the Jungle 'Survivor' Recap: You Troyzan, You Pain