Author

Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • The 'Glee' Guys Sing One Direction Song at Prom — VIDEO
    By: Brian Moylan May 04, 2012
    What do 12-year-old girls love more than Glee? One Direction. What do they love even more than One Direction? Prom. What happens when you put Fox's glittery hour of karaoke jazz hands, the latest international boy band craze, and a high school right of passage together? Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! That's what. You don't know what a One Direction is? Well, ya old! They're a boy band of the standard variety, the winners of the British X-Factor, and the hottest thing since Lisa Frank folders. All the girlies love them. They were even on SNL. Since Glee, like some low-rent slattern, likes nothing more than to pander to its audience of young fans with lust in their hearts and credits on the iTunes accounts, you now see Rory, Artie, Sam, Blaine, and The Jesusy One With the Dreads singing 1D's "What Makes You Beautiful" on this Tuesday's prom episode. The song's message even dovetails nicely with their "Free to Be You and Me" message-of-the-week format that it's been employing lately. Ugh, at least it's better than when they did even worse things to "Friday" at last year's prom. Well, if you want to be hip and down with the kids, check out the video below. If you're already a fan of everything mentioned above just let me say, "Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" You totally know what I mean. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Glee' Prom Redux: Couples Abound and Sad Quinn Sings 'Saturday Night Live' Recap: Sofia Vergara and One Direction Make Some Noise One Direction Turns Down Invitation to White House
  • 'The Avengers' Midnight Screening Crowd Tells Us Which Summer Blockbusters Will Succeed
    By: Brian Moylan May 04, 2012
    Last night I made the crazy decision to go see a midnight screening of The Avengers. (Note to self: You can't pull an all-nighter like you used to.) After waiting in long lines to get to the theater and to get my medium-sized popcorn (no, I would not like a large for 50 cents more) and sitting for half an hour with a raucous crowd, it dawned on me that these are the people that Hollywood plans to court all summer long. Sitting beside me were the fanboys and movie diehards. These were the crazy souls that would ruin their productivity on a Friday at work because they couldn't possibly wait 12 more hours to see the movie they were dying to check out. Each tentpole movie and potential blockbuster is marketed towards these people, who will then go and either praise it or trash it which will mean either a billion-dollar box office return or a spot on every entertainment website's inevitable World's Biggest Bombs slide show. Based on that, here is how the crowd reacted to all the trailers played before The Avengers and what that might mean for each movie's prospects. The Dark Knight Rises: There was some issues with the projection when the movie started so you could hear that there was music playing, but all we could see the "Please Turn Off Your Cell Phones" screen. When the crowd heard the indelible line, "A storm is coming," they all knew what they were missing and started to freak the freak out. It was the Batman trailer we were promised. The trailer flicked on and off a few times; each time it flicked on, there was cheering and each time it flicked off, the crowd let out an "Awww." Initial Applause: Great, once they knew what they were missing. Final Applause: Good. Verdict: The fact that everyone knew the trailer without even seeing it is an excellent sign. Everyone is dying to see this. Brave: The longest trailer yet for Pixar's first foray into female protagonists showed more of the "magic" of the film. Initial Applause: Quiet. Final Applause: Good, if a little smattering. Verdict: Everyone seemed enthused if not enthusiastic. Then again, there was only one pre-teen in the audience (for shame, his mom!), so this wasn't really the movie's core audience. The Dictator: The new Sacha Baron Cohen movie has had its commercial roll before movies for months now. Initial Applause: A few titters during the trailer. People laughed at the broad jokes. Final Applause: None. Verdict: If they're still laughing this long after the trailer debuted, there is hope. The Amazing Spider-Man: The newest trailer for this reboot debuted before the movie last night (and is now online), and everyone was completely silent as it rolled. Initial Applause: Very good. A few hoots and hollers. Final Applause: Good, but not overwhelming. One guy in the balcony screamed, "F**k Yeah!" Verdict: An ardent fanbase mixed with indecision predicts this will be a hit... but not of The Dark Knight proportions. (Then again, what is?) Battleship: A new feature shows us lots of explosions, lots of aliens, and only a little bit of Rihanna. Are there people in the movie or only special effects? Initial Applause: None. Final Applause: Well, do you call booing applause? If so, there was lots of it. Verdict: Could Battleship already be sunk? Prometheus: Is it just me or does it seem like this thing has a million trailers? Last night's, however, was the best one yet. Initial Applause: Rousing, with a few gasps of excitement in my general vicinity. Final Applause: Explosive. The people on either side of me said immediately to their companions, "I can't wait to see that." Verdict: This looks to be the summer box office champion... if it can beat out Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: New 'The Dark Knight Rises' Trailer: 'I Won't Bury You' 'Prometheus': New Trailer Brings Up More Mysteries 'Battleship' Trailer Sets Up for Eventual Crossover with 'Transformers'
  • The Hilarious All-Star ‘Bachelor’ Parody We Can’t Wait to See
    By: Brian Moylan May 03, 2012
    Some of my favorite crappy reality TV shows are on in the summer. (Where art thou, Big Brother?) Now it's time to get ready for my newest summer reality TV obsession. Well, except it's not a reality show and it's not on television. Burning Love is a new web series that Yahoo! is trotting out June 4 on it's own website and, based on the trailer, I'm already hooked. Good thing it's free! The show is directed by and stars (a surprisingly buff) Ken Marino, the funnyman from The State (remember that on MTV back in the day?) who has been a ham in Wet Hot American Summer, Role Models, and Wanderlust. He plays a sort-of-stupid firefighter named Mark Orlando who finds himself the object of desire for a house full of crazy women on a Bachelor-esque reality show. Since Ben Stiller produced it, look for a ton of top-notch talent including Kristen Bell, Adam Scott, Michael Ian Black, Malin Akerman (as a homeless contestant, obvs), and Stiller himself along with his wife Christine Taylor (remember Hey Dude?/man I am old.. Oh, and don't forget former Bachelor Jake Pavelka, who is a joke onto himself. I'm really excited for there to be a high quality web series to get us through the summer. The future of television isn't even going to be on your television, people. It will be on the internet featuring movie stars making fun of television. Burning Love is the future! The snake eats its own tail. We all get roses. Welcome to the future. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Ken Marino On His 'Whitney' Guest Spot and the Talented Chris D'Elia 'Bachelor' Jake Pavelka Joins 'Drop Dead Diva' Adam Scott Joins Ben Stiller, Kristen Wiig and Patton Oswalt in 'Secret Life of Walter Mitty'
  • Willow Smith Goes on Around the World Tour in New Music Video
    By: Brian Moylan May 03, 2012
    There is one thing you can say about the non-stop entertainment factory that continuously churns product out of the Pinkett-Smith household: they sure know how to make a hit. This time little sister Willow Smith is following up her hit song "Whip My Hair" with another poppy ditty "Do It Like Me (Rockstar)". It's enough to make you want to get jiggy with it! Chances are most of us can't do it just like Willow since our fathers aren't international movie stars who drag us to New York, Paris, and beyond when filming, but Willow is, so she might as well take advantage of it. Her video takes her from the gritty subway of Manhattan to the romantic Eiffel tower and to an expansive balcony overlooking New York, which is probably just outside her bedroom window. What we wouldn't give for that real estate! The song is cute and catchy and Willow is as energetic as always rocking outfits from Lady Gaga couture to Century 21 casual. God, we all are gonna wanna do it like Willow, but none of us can afford to. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Photo: Willow Smith Shaves Her Head Will Smith Considering Remaking 'Annie' With Daughter Willow Will Smith and Daughter to Battle on Big Screen
  • 'Survivor' Recap: It's a Kat Fight
    By: Brian Moylan May 03, 2012
    Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwnnnnnnnn! Oh, hi guys. Sorry, just stretching here. I totally passed out because I was rendered unconscious from last night's episode of Survivor which has now entered that stage of boring predictability that all lackluster seasons fall into. There will be no shakeups, no intrigue, no last minute reprieves and black stabbing tomfoolery. No, there will only be Candice Bergen (TV's Murphy Brown, a young woman named Kim) trotting her way toward a million dollar prize. We don't know who she'll take to the finals or just in what order everyone will get voted out, but she has effectively clinched the whole proceedings. There is no way she could not win. Well, I guess there is the vague possibility, but considering she's sweeping the immunity challenges and still has a hidden immunity idol, she's guaranteed to make it to the end. Even crazier is that no one is challenging her. At the outset of the episode, Alycia and Kat think that they are in charge. Oh please. Alycia is just deluded and Kat is just stupid. Together they could be a lady rap group Stoopit & D-Luded. Candice Bergen is clearly in charge and that everyone is fighting about whether to send Kat or Sabrina home means that she is so firmly in charge that no one is thinking far enough ahead to say, "Hey, Candice Bergen is running away with this whole thing." That's the thing about our Candice Bergen. She's an adaptable leader who sees when she needs to keep her people happy and when to assert her will. She is leading without looking like she's leading, which might be difficult come final tribal council time, but who else are they going to give it to? Christina? Tarzan? Miss Congeniality Alycia? No way. Anyway, the whole episode started to unravel when there was a Sprint phone in their Mailboxes Etc treemail box which is resting on Scott grass seed grass. The phone, of course, had messages from the remaining Survivors' loved ones. This is usually my least favorite episode because it always makes me cry. I am not a movie or television crier. I stayed dry-eyed at The Notebook, at Old Yeller, at The Adventures of Pluto Nash. But still the thought of these people going without seeing someone they care about for so long and then getting them to boost their spirits just makes the tears well up in my eyes like I just was told I have to watch an Eddie Murphy family movie double feature (yes, A Thousand Words would probably make me weep). For that reason, I hate it. But, I also hate the idiots playing this season, so I didn't really get too verklempt. I did have a little twinge when Christina's father was there after his kidney transplant and only has five years to live, because I am a human with emotions and a father and I can only imagine how rough it would be if that happened to my dad. I also reached for a Kleenex brand facial tissue (now even I'm product placing!) when Tarzan's wife came out because they've been together for so long, but then he got down on one knee like he was going to propose and they were wallowing around in the dust like two tumbleweeds blowing off into the western sunset and it was stupid. Then, of course Kat's "cousin" Robbie came out and she started flipping out. "Bleep blorp beeeeeeeeeppppppppppp!!!!" she screamed. "Eeeeppp doooppppp Rooooooooppppppp," he replied. They butted their chests and flailed their arms, joining their appendages in crazy formation while stamping their feet in rhythm. They looked like those crazy aliens from Sesame Street. They all go to the immunity challenge where, of course, the loved ones have to participate. It's like some rope maze that they have to wind their way through together. Candice Bergen comes really close to winning, but Kat and her cousin Robbie pull it out because they were using Martian telepathic communication techniques and none of the other castaways had a chance. "Eep Opp Ork Ah-Ah," they sang in celebration. And of course, because this couldn't be emotionally manipulative enough, Kat gets to pick two people to go on her reward with her and has to break up the other contestants from their loved ones. Without even thinking about it, she picks Candice Bergen and Miss Congeniality Alycia. Jeff asks her, "Why did you pick Candice Bergen when she didn't take you on a reward last week?" Kat responds, "I just want to hang with these two girls and we are gonna get krunk! Holla! Maaaaarrrrrgggggaaaarrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiittttaaaaaaassssss," and she does this silly little dance that even Freshman at a sorority party would think is totally immature. And then all the real people with real emotional attachments to their loved ones have to say goodbye so that Kat can go play flip cup with her "homies." Awful. The only interesting thing that happened on the reward is Candice Bergen told her sister Charlie Bergen (who is really a ventriloquist dummy) that she is going to take Kat and Miss Congeniality Alycia to the final two because everything thinks that Alycia is a See You Next Tuesday and because Kat is too freakin' stoopit to figure everything out. Candice Bergen even figured out that they think they're in charge and are "deluded" (that's Stoopit and D-Luded to you, Candice Bergen) and she's just going to ride that wave all the way to the finish. They go back to camp and we're already seeing a Kat vs. Sabrina dynamic at play, because Candice Bergen and others are worried about Sabrina because she is smart and well-liked and can string together a few sentences. She is, really, the only threat left on the island. Off at the immunity challenge and it is sponsored by Wilson Philips Greatest Hits: The Early Years and all the contests have to hold onto some rope thing as they are lowered closer and closer to the water. "Don't you know, things will change, things will go your way if you hooooooolllldddd on for one more day, things will go your way. Hold on for one more day." That is really Candice Bergen's theme song. She just holds on and waits for things to go her way. No one is going to turn around and say goodbye and hold her down and make her cry. No, that is not going to happen. She wins the immunity challenge. Kat, like a six-year-old with a skinned knee sits and sulks on the dock and won't even give Kim a high five. OK, this is a bit of a blunder for Candice Bergen. If she really wanted Kat to go with her to the final three, she should have let Kat win, looked like a hero to Kat, and ensured her safety while making her even more faithful than ever. She went for the gusto though and took immunity. It worked against Kat, who stayed there for so long, her belly ring glinting in the South Pacific sunshine, that Alycia now wants her out of the game. She thinks she can beat Sabrina, but she's worried about Kat. Um, aren't you worried about Candice Bergen who has won the last two challenges? The tide is turning against Kat, who Sabrina wants to send home because she's annoying, who Alycia wants to send home cause she's a bitch, and who some blond ghost thing keeps whispering "Kaaaaattttt.....Kaattttttt" like a howl on the wind. We go into tribal council knowing that it's going to be Kat, because Candice Bergen has this thing too wrapped up to go against everyone. Her shot to keep Kat was at the immunity challenge and she didn't take it. The only person who doesn't know it's Kat is Kat, who is all cocky at tribal. She says she hopes there is a blind side because they are always "exciting" and "amazing" and if it happens to someone else "cool beans" and if it happens to her "touche." Yes, that is Kat, in a nutshell. A human person in the year 2012 who still says "cool beans" and "touche." Of course the blindside is against Kat and she gets this face that is a cross between getting hit in the gut and trying to read the lit up red sign above a door and figure it out: "Eggggggsssssss it. Eggs it. Exit! Oh, OK." That's what Kat looks like. And then Jeff extinguishes her torch and she cries. She sobs her way off across the bridge of no return. What happened to exciting and amazing, Kat? Ha! Then I watched the bit at the end when the voted off Survivor gives her message because, well, I'm a sadistic jerk and I take perverse joy in watching Kat's face fill up with snot. Kat says, "I'm so embarrassed that I got kicked out of the game before Tarzan and Christina." That's the problem with this season altogether. Too many people are just coasting along and trying to see what happens, like so many turds waiting for a flush. They're leaving themselves up to fate and trusting people to do the dirty work and get them to the end. Candice Bergen is the only one working. If Kat wasn't so stupid and confident and figured out how everyone was voting before tribal, she might still be snotting up all over the proceedings instead of whining on the jury. Oh, god, just give the money to Candice Bergen and lets all go back to our naps, shall we? Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Survivor Recap: Queens of the Jungle Survivor Recap: You Troyzan, You Pain Survivor Recap: Girls, They Run the World
  • How to See the Avengers Shirtless
    By: Brian Moylan May 02, 2012
    Screw origin stories, damsels in distress, and tittering villains bent on taking over the world. My favorite superhero movie convention is the delicious scene in which the star takes off his costume and shows off his upper body to the world he's about to save. It's like his power consists solely of going to the gym every day and saying no to Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia Pops at the bodega. Either that or that he makes enough money to pay someone to train his lazy ass into superstar shape. We can hardly wait to see Robert Downey Jr, Mark Ruffalo, Jeremy Renner, Chris Hemsworth, Chris Evans, and the other guys inviting us to the gun show this weekend in The Avengers (please, for the love of all that is amorous and holy, Joss Whedon, give us a locker room scene), so I decided to track them all down in the movies leading up to this big, er, tentpole. We're focusing on the male heroes because NSFW movie nudity site Mr. Skin is sexist and only shows when girls are topless on screen and because if you want to see Scarlett Johansson with her shirt off there are plenty of opportunities thanks to some leaked cell phone pictures. I tracked all the pectoral goodness in all of the Marvel movies myself. Here's where to go to see your favorite men of steel in the buff. Iron Man: There is only one shirtless scene in the whole movie in which Robert Downey Jr., convinces his assistant (Gwynnie Paltrow) to change the battery that is lodged in his chest. Not the sexiest of nudity, but check out those abs. Timestamp: 49:15 - 52:33 The Incredible Hulk: Considering Hulk's powers make him rip off all his clothing, Edward Norton (sadly not Mark Ruffalo, who plays Hulk in The Avengers) spends more time shirtless than he does in the warm embrace of a cotton T-shirt destined to be reduced to rags as soon as he "get angry." This does not include when the Hulk, himself, is shirtless and rampaging, because ew. Timestamps: 3:03 - 3:16 5:01 - 5:48 28:44 - 29:45 30:48 - 31:00 46:33 - 47:32 (bad guy Tim Roth nudity) 66:08 - 64:36 (nude shower scene!) 66:12 - 66:59 (sex scene with Liv Tyler) 67:27 - 67:55 (more Tim Roth) 75:05 - 75:30 76:19 - 77:42 Iron Man 2: Feeling shy about going shirtless, RDJ stays clothed the entire picture. Still, the villain, played by Mickey Rourke covered in fake tattoos, does show off his physique. Timestamp: 37:52 - 39:55 Thor: Shockingly, director Kenneth Branagh only got Chris Hemsworth out of his costume once and for only about 30 seconds. Still it is perhaps the best and most magical of all our skintastic moments so far. Timestamp: 36:36 - 37:05 Captain America: Sadly, half of the skin-baring is when Steve Rogers (Chris Evans) is still scrawny and not the buff Captain who rushes off to save the day. However, when he's fully grown, he's well worth watching. Timestamps: 8:14 - 9:06 (this is scrawny Steve, but takes place in an Army recruitment office full of gorgeous boys and without a shirt in sight) 32:55 - 33:45 (scrawny still) 37:00 - 37:39 (now there we go!) Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: A Non-Geek's Guide to 'The Avengers' Avengers Assembled: Meet the Epic Cast of Heroes Final 'Avengers' Trailer: Can You Say Epic?
  • 'Real Housewives of OC' Recap: The Pussycat's Out of the Bag
    By: Brian Moylan May 02, 2012
    Surprise, it's not just for parties or for the faces of women with too much plastic surgery. It's something for life. It's something that happens every day in the darkest corners of our psyche as they are attacked the unfettered unknowables of the world. Real Housewives hate surprises. They live in a world of gated communities, producer-created lunches, manufactured social interactions, and vaguely scripted happenstances. They don't like the unexpected. If something goes off the rails, it means they're at risk of being fired, humiliated, and possibly humiliatingly set afire, which has yet to happen to a Real Housewife on camera, but it's only a matter of time before this thing becomes the damn Hunger Games and Alexis Bellino is stumble-running through a forest from giant fireballs flying at her head like she's some big-titted Katniss Everdeen. That's how Housewives feel when they're surprised. Drinking game alert! Every time you hear this word [furiously pointing upward at the word "SURPRISE"] take a Pinot of your Grigio. Speaking of which, no one was surprised when Gretchen Rossi couldn't sing "Fever," the most hackneyed sexy song this side of "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." You know if Madonna tried to use it being sexy, then you just can't do it anymore. Goodbye hitchhiking naked with a cigarette dangling out of your mouth. Goodbye having an orgy with Vanilla Ice. Goodbye rubbing your genitals all over Warren Beatty. Those are all things Madge ruined forever, along with "Fever." So, Gretchen gets up on her birthday to sing Fever while the Pussycat Dolls crouch-grind behind her and spray the audience with their considerable pheromones. Gretchen is singing her song dressed like some sort of Chinese communist general at a fetish party. Seriously, what the Chairman Mao does this song have to do with military attire? Gretchen's performance is an unmitigated disaster. There, I said it. It is just awful. But it's not like so bad it's good or funny. It's like William Hung, shaking his self-delusion like a bon-bon on national television. It's not like The Culps on SNL. It's just horribly rendered competence. It is sincere striving smothered in failure. It's sort of like a really shaky version of Tippy the Tortoise that isn't going to get anyone into a huckster drawing school. It's like the last place contestant at the Miss Chrysanthemum Festival in West Anglefield, New Jersey (a town full of idiots that I just created in my brain). It's just awful. For some reason, the women all tell her she did a good job. Most of them kind of know that it was awful but Heather, my favorite, my girl Heather, fails to realize that Gretchen sounds like a stomped recorder. She is really enthusiastic about this. I am surprised that Heather, usually such a straight shooter, has such a lapse in judgement. Speaking of which, Alexis thinks that Jim is not at all enjoying the Pussycat Dolls show. She thinks he is so good and Christian that he isn't putting the erection back in resurrection the minute those titties hit the stage. They're both sitting at this little cocktail table and the girls come out and Jim leans forward a bit and makes this scrunched up little face and there's a loud thud on the table. "Oh God," Jim shouts. Alexis thinks that he is in prayer, but the table his gone up two inches right where Jim is sitting and their vodka sodas are falling off the other end. Then the table begins to shake up and down furiously, and just as suddenly it stops. "Sorry," Jim says. "There must have been an earthquake." Alexis thinks that makes perfect sense. After the show everyone goes upstairs to Gretchen's birthday party. She arrives wearing another Pussycat Dolls outfit, some tarted up corset number with gloves. Okay, Fetch Gretch, this is fine for the stage and all, but this is not cool to wear around your friends. This is like showing up for a Tuesday night dinner at Olive Garden in full drag. And you know Jim Bellino is going to be at your birthday party. He's just standing in the corner and every time he sees Gretchen he doubles over in spasms shouting, "Oh God. Oh God. It's so amazing." Alexis thinks that he is taken with the spirit. She can see the savior's face in the stain on his pants. At the party, Tamra presents a Gretchen the Wenchen with a present. It is a framed photo of them covered in mud. Yes, just two women smiling that they are covered in filth, clutching each other so that they don't fall down sobbing. If there was ever an objective correlative for this show it is a framed photo of two smiling women complicit in covering each other in mud. Vicki also presents Gretchen with a present. It's some sort of top or wrap or something. The real present was that Vicki apologized for freaking out on Gretchen about Slade at the Bunga Party or whatever awful thing she did this time. Vicki does two things that I absolutely hate about Real Housewife apologies. First she says, "I want to say I'm sorry. This isn't the right place to talk about it, but I"m sorry. We'll talk about it later." Okay, if you don't want to talk about it then don't bring it up! Obviously you want to talk about it or it wouldn't be, you know, the subject of conversation. The other thing I hate is that Vicki then demands an apology of her own. "I apologized, now you need to apologize." No, that is not how apologies work. Housewives, who apologize with the frequency that most of us take good hearty dumps, are awful at apologizing. They think that they should be like kisses, an act that goes both ways. No. Apologies go one way. If someone hits your car, then they would apologize. Do they expect you to apologize and say like, "Oh, I'm sorry that I had to leave the house to run my errands and was on this road when you made a grave mistake and crashed into me?" No, that is not how this apology thing works. And that is why the Housewives are just this continuous five-car pile-up, everyone smashing into each other waiting for and issuing apologies as they continue to drive into each other like it's some sort of moral demolition derby. Speaking of apologizes, Gretchen's drunk friend Sarah was also at the party. Sarah is a striver, someone who is in the orbit of the Housewives who wants to be on the cast so bad. The whole time Sarah is just begging for camera time, standing next to Gretchen and apologizing to Vicki for freaking out on her at the Bowling Party. She's just doing everything short of taking her top off and throwing Jim Bellino into a coma of pleasure where he loses control of all his bodily functions and simultaneously farts, burbs, and pisses himself before passing out and shuddering on the floor like an epileptic. If I were Vicki and she came out and apologized to me on the balcony, I would have just flung her off into the Bellagio fountain below. A shriek and a splash and we'd never hear from Sarah Striver (Maria's cousin) again. Next:
  • Camille Grammer to Return to 'Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' After All
    By: Brian Moylan May 01, 2012
    Back in March all Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fans shed a little tear when we learned that Camille Grammer wouldn't be returning to the show. At the time she said the show took her away from her family and she was sick of it (and we're sure the enormous divorce settlement she got from divorcing sitcom star Kelsey Grammer means she doesn't need to do the show at all, if she doesn't want to). Now E! reports that she'll be back for season three. She's not going to be one of the ladies holding a diamond at the beginning of the show (goodbye forever, "Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend...freedom is"), but she'll be making cameos throughout the season, including as a guest at Kyle Richard's birthday party, which she attended this past weekend. It sounds like she'll be like Dina Manzo from Real Housewives of New Jersey or Jenna Keough from Real Housewives of OC: retired screech monkeys who show up just long enough to congratulate their friends, say a few funny things, and maybe get a drink thrown in their face. Fans love St. Camille of Grammer because she is the only reality star in the history of the world to actually rehabilitate her image while still on the show. Season 1 painted her as a self-involved harpy with no real friends who was undercutting the women at every chance she got. When she came back for season two, she was totally reformed and behaved like a classy voice of reason, calling out her costars for their insane lunacy while staying above the cat fighting fray. A representative from Bravo/NBCUniversal declined to comment and I reached out to St. Camille (I just lit a votive and prayed and prayed that she would answer me) for confirmation of her resurrection but haven't heard back. Even if we get a little dose of Camille, having a bit of her in our lives is far better than having none at all. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Camille Grammer Exits 'Real Housewives' Cast Beverly Hills 'Housewives' Still Haven't Signed Contracts Watch 'The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills' Discuss Russell Armstrong's Suicide
  • A Hilarious Music Video for All the Gay Superhero Duos Out There
    By: Brian Moylan May 01, 2012
    Batman and Robin. The Ambiguously Gay Duo. Green Lantern and his own set of abs. There have been shades of gay superheroes as long as there have been comics. (Have you even seen the queertastic Rainbow Batman.) But still, there aren't that many caped crusaders who like Superboy-on-boy or Wonder Woman-on-woman action. Why is that? Apparently we've been taught that superheroes can't be gay. Leave it to Norwegian TV show Kollektivet to take that anti-gay bent that runs rampant through some parts of fandom and skewer it in a funny and clever way. Here we have two masked men who are hot for each other even though everyone tells them that their love should dare not speak it's name. By the time they're using their powers to get laid, they've found a way into our hearts even though we can't figure out how they're going to find their way into each others' spandex. They've taught us that superheroes can be gay, and now that we know that, we can't wait to see more of them in future comic book movies. [Towleroad] Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Save Us Please! 15 Sexy Superheroes A Non-Geek's Guide to 'The Avengers' Angelina and Brad's Engagement Lets Gay Americans Down
  • Here Is the Plot for the 'The Dark Knight Rises' (Maybe)
    By: Brian Moylan May 01, 2012
    Expectations are high and speculation is rabid about The Dark Knight Rises, the super-double secret final installment of Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. Since everyone seems to be guessing just what the heck this thing is about, I decided that I was going to take a stab and decode the clues that Nolan has been laying out for us. Here is my theory that, I assure you, is 100 percent accurate. (No, it is not.) Be careful, there are (completely fake, manufactured) spoilers ahead. I started based on the assumption that the third trailer for the movie, which was released last night, is a condensed version of the movie in chronilogical order rather than a random collection of highlights. If this is the case, we are able to sketch a loose plot from the action in this preview. Here is my completely verified, totally correct (no, sorry, this is complete bulls**t) assessment of the plot of Dark Knight Rises. We open on Gotham, which is glittering and functional, though about to be plunged into darkness. Bruce Wayne has retired from being Batman, or he was fired. One or the other. We can tell because he has one of those "funemployement" beards that your friends were all wearing when they got booted from their jobs at mortgage brokerages a few years ago. Also because Wilfred is waiting on him in their mansion. Anne Hathaway, who we know is playing Selina Kyle/Catwoman, tells us that a storm is coming. She is walking backstage at some sort of convention for milliners, but really she is telling Bruce Wayne about the storm at some sort of fancy masked ball they are both attending. Bruce is wearing a Christian Bale mask. Somewhere green and rural, Bane, the mumble-mouthed villain and scuba-gear addict played by Tom Hardy, is being transported somewhere secret via plane. Catwoman's plane, however, hijacks the Bane plane, rips its wings off and rescues Bane from captivity. Now Bane is working for Catwoman and, as he says, "Hasdpwigaweihoghfaospidhgaspo," which translates to "I am Gotham's reckoning." He is going to destroy Gotham and punish all the rich people like Bruce Wayne because he is poor. He starts by blowing up a football field, because Tom Hardy is European and he always liked soccer (or football) better anyway. He also storms Bruce Wayne's house and his troops find Wayne cowering under an etagere (which is a fancy name for a bookcase). Then we see Joseph Gordon-Levitt. After a brief swoon, JGL, who appears to be some sort of bus driver, watches the bridges that connect Gotham (read: Manhattan) to the outer boroughs (read: Brooklyn) explode. Everyone in Brooklyn freaks the freak out. Everyone in Manhattan is like, "Eh. Oh well. I'll just get my artisinal pickles from the Lower East Side instead." However, a bus full of angelic-looking children are forever scarred watching the scene of destruction. Bruce Wayne is dragged out into the middle of nowhere and thrown down a well because, you know, that's what you do with billionaire playboys with crappy unemployment facial hair. In an office in Midtown JGL, who may not be a bus driver after all, interrogates Catwoman about whether or not Wayne is dead. She does not know. She is pissed that freeing Bane has become a nightmare. He has gone rogue and she can't control him anymore. Bruce asks Bane why the baddie didn't kill him. He says, "Shioawawhfeoighwpeoighwpoirg." Bruce is like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that." Bane says, a bit louder this time, "Shioawawhfeoighwpeoighwpoirg!" Bruce says, "Nope, still don't get it. One more time." Bane gets pissed and just throws Bruce to the bottom of the well. He walks away and lets a waterfall wash Bruce away. Meanwhile, JGL is talking to one of the kids on his bus who asks if Batman is coming back. JGL doesn't know. Catwoman, now remorseful, finds Wayne at the bottom of the well. Meanwhile, Bane and his gang of economic malcontents are taking over a bank or something. Catwoman is afraid, is very very afraid, and she gets on her fierce motorcycle and rides as far away as she can get. Bane finds a really cute shearling coat. That scuba equipment must be cold. Commissioner Gordon calls on Batman to stop Bane. The Bat Signal has been destroyed so he just uses a flare tied to a bat and hopes Batman will figure it out. He does. Then he stands at the top of some giant building and surveys the city. "We Built This City on Rock 'N' Roll" is totally stuck in his head. Bruce, apparently healed from falling down the well, is Batman again to stop Bane. JGL kneels down, hopefully to ask me to marry him. Yes, Joey, a million times yes! Catwoman is totally disillusioned at this point and says, "You don't owe these people anymore. You've given them everything." Batman replies, "Not everything." Oh s**t, Batman is totally going to die. Bane and Batman have a big fat fight back at the waterfall. Batman also prevents Bane and his people (who are having an epic clash with the police) from taking over the bank or whatever. This is where things get fuzzy and my clairvoyance doesn't have as much power. It seems like Catwoman is helping Batman to defeat Bane and has been taking martial arts classes at the Y and totally learned how to do a roundhouse kick. She even gets into some crazy flying car thing with Batman and shoots some bombs at Bane and his gang. I'm gonna guess the shooting at the bank comes before the Bane vs. Batman fight at the waterfall well and that Batman and Bane both die so that Gotham can be saved and economic balance can be restored. There you go. Now you know everything that's going to happen. (No, you don't.) I don't know about you, but now I'm even more excited to see the movie now. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: New 'The Dark Knight Rises' Trailer: 'I Won't Bury You' 'The Dark Knight Rises' Trailer: And Here...We...LEGO... 'Dark Knight Rises' News and More: 7 Things We Learned from CinemaCo