Brian Moylan
After getting his master's degree in poetry, Senior Writer Brian Moylan started writing about television and pop culture for Gawker, The Guardian, The Washington Blade and a few other reputable publications. Brian has an honorary PhD in “Jersey Shore” studies from the University of Chicago. He's shared his often hilarious views about the tube on VH1, MSNBC, TV Guide Channel, MTV (Canada), BBC radio, and NPR. He can usually be found at his apartment in New York yelling at the TV and dodging calls from Real Housewives. He is a Taurus and likes long walks on the beach, fried chicken, and almost every reality television program ever created (especially “The Swan”).
  • Angelina Jolie Has No Clue How to Dress for the Beach — PIC
    By: Brian Moylan April 24, 2012 12:57pm EST
    Angelina Jolie is excellent at many things: humanitarian work, adoptions, marrying actors, exposing her right leg for no necessary reason. One of the things she has always been lousy at is dressing for the beach. Did no one take little Angelina to the shore and put her in a tiny yellow polka dot bikini and buy her some salt water taffy? Is the part of her brain that covers picking out bikinis and cover-ups completely missing? Check out her latest get-up while in the Galapagos Islands with Brad and the kids. Is she wearing a funeral shroud? Did she forget something to wear and just cover herself in a black beach towel? She has a gorgeous body and she's wearing something that makes her look like a jellyfish that has rotted black and been left out in the sun too long. Is this her oil spill costume from last Halloween? The pink parasol is helping to lend a little bit of whimsy, but with it she looks more like a goth Mary Poppins than a normal person wearing some resort couture. Will someone please help her? At least send her a bright pail and shovel to lighten the mood a bit. [Image via MiamiPIXX/BRJ/FameFlynet Pictures] Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie Engaged Is Angelina Jolie Ready To Quit Acting? Elle Fanning as Angelina Jolie's Disney Princess in 'Maleficent'?
  • An Old Person's Guide to the Hip New Boy Band, The Wanted
    By: Brian Moylan April 24, 2012 11:19am EST
    Hello there, old person. If you're reading this, you are probably old. Well, not necessarily old, but at least old enough to not know who The Wanted are. Don't worry, I'm here to help and give you an education so that when you hear about The Wanted on television or you see that one of your friends has been listening to them relentlessly or you see a throng of screaming girls running down the street after five Brits, you know just what the heck is going on. Shall we get started? Who the heck are The Wanted? They're the British and Irish boy band that's sweeping the nation and stealing every little girl's heart. Wait, so this has nothing to do with an Angelina Jolie movie? No, that's just Wanted, and that is totally different. Why should I care about them? Even though they've had a few hit singles in Europe and released two albums across the pond, they just released their first American EP on April 24. You can now buy seven of their songs repacked for an American audience. You mean like from the record store? What's a record? You get it from iTunes or wherever else you download music these days. Are any of the songs good? It's your standard boy band pop muusic. Their first hit, "All Time Low," is a little too orchestral for my tastes, but it debuted at number one on the UK pop charts. Their second big hit, "Glad You Came," is the sort of infectious summer jam that you can't get out of your head no matter how hard you try. Get into humming it now. So, just who are these kids anyway? Like so many other boy bands, they came from a giant casting call to create the ultimate super group of dreamy teenage boys. In the new mode of the boy band: they're a little bit older, a little bit sexier, and a little bit wilder. Which of the boys should I have a crush on? Well, I'd go with Max George. He's the most popular (based on number of Twitter followers he has). He looks sort of like Puck from Glee, but without the mohawk. He's 23, from Manchester, and was in another boy band called Avenue that had a modicum of success after getting booted from Britain's X-Factor for not following the rules. He posed naked on the cover of a gay magazine and, well, see for yourself. Wow, he's hot. What about the other guys? There is Nathan Sykes, who is 19 and like a little Justin Bieber; Siva Kaneswaran, who is half-Irish, half-Sri Lankan and beautifully swarthy and has an identical twin; Tom Parker, who is like the funny looking outcast; and Jay McGuiness, who looks Irish but was born in the UK and also has a twin brother. What is up with these guys and twins? No clue, man. Are they really going to be the next big thing? Well, Justin Bieber has 20 million Twitter followers and the boys have about 500K each, so they still have a long way to go. However, MTV is premiering their new video tonight — so for MTV to actually play real music, that's a pretty big deal. Also, the marketing and promotions have been heavy. The Wanted seem to be the keystone of the new "boy band revolution" we're experiencing. That said, they could be the next 'NSYNC or Backstreet Boys. Only time will tell. Wait, did I see these guys on Saturday Night Live? No, that's One Direction. What's the difference? Those are just different set of British and Irish kids. They were a huge hit on X-Factor. Otherwise what's the difference? Is there a difference between 'NSYNC and The Backstreet Boys? Is there a difference between The Beatles and The Rolling Stones? Are you going to try to tell me that The Beatles and The Rolling Stones are basically the same band? Gosh, you really are old, aren't you! OK, that's a bad example, but you hear what I'm saying. Just don't tell any 14 year-olds you can't tell the difference between 1D and The Wanted. [Image via PNP/] Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Saturday Night Live' Recap: Sofia Vergara and One Direction Make Some Noise One Direction Turns Down Invitation to White House 'X Factor' Winners On 'Today': The Return of Boy Band Mania?>
  • It Will Cost You $10 Million to Live in Carrie Bradshaw's House
    By: Brian Moylan April 24, 2012 9:47am EST
    Every day in New York another hundred people just get off of the train (to quote Steven Sondheim) and try to make it in the Big Apple, many of them with dreams of living the luxe Carrie Bradshaw lifestyle they've seen on Sex and the City DVDs and the watered-down TBS reruns. Well, they better have a ton of money saved up (or very rich parents) because the townhouse where Carrie lived just sold for almost $10 million. The five-bedroom townhouse at 64 Perry St. in Manhattan's West Village was a stand-in for Carrie's Upper East Side apartment where she did a lot of her smoking and only a fraction of her pining for Mr. Big. It just sold to an undisclosed buyer for $9.85 million, $200,000 more than the $9.65 million asking price. The crazy thing is that the house sold for $9 million in November of 2011, so it has gone up in value $1 million bucks in less than six months. And that comes with the downside of knowing that busloads of Midwesterners will be rolling by on clicking and cooing while snapping pictures on the Sex and the City tour at least once a weekend. So, in terms of Sex and the City coinage, how much is this piece of real estate worth? —3,283,334 Magnolia cupcakes —2,462,500 words written for Vogue (based on Carrie's $4 per word freelance rate) —197,197 Carrie nameplate necklaces —10,423 pairs of Manolo Blanik strappy sandals —383 Birkin handbags The Birkins might make a better investment. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Sex and the City' Townhouse for Sale: $9.65 Million! 'Sex & The City' Is a Phenomenon with $2.5M at Midnight Preview Screenings Alone CW Officially Nabs 'Sex and The City' Prequel, 'The Carrie Diaries'
  • RuPaul, We Demand You Announce a 'Drag Race' Winner Right Now
    By: Brian Moylan April 24, 2012 8:31am EST
    That sound you heard last night at about 10 PM that was something like a low howl whipping through the wind or a thousand exclamation marks standing on end (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and jumping off their dots was the sound of every fan of RuPaul's Drag Race cursing at the television. Why? Because the beloved reality show did not announce a winner during the finale. Instead RuPaul announced that the public would vote among the remaining queens — Chad Michaels, Sharon Needles, and the evil Phi Phi O'Hara — and a winner would be announced on the reunion show. Say what?! This is the season finale. Do you know what that means? It means the final episode of the season. The season is about crowning the "next drag superstar" (and giving RuPaul an excuse to trot out her seven million catch phrases) so how can the season be over without a winner? The reunion is not about revealing a winner! The reunion is about getting all the queens together so they can bitch about each other, throw some shade, and talk about how wonderfully they're doing playing gay nightclubs across the country now that they've been on Logo. Also, Ru promised that on the reunion special we'd find out why former contestant Willam was kicked out for breaking the rules and just what caused her to toss her cookies all over her platforms (one of our most
  • Never Ever Do the Naked Pregnant Demi Moore Pose Ever Again Ever
    By: Brian Moylan April 23, 2012 2:19pm EST
    Ugh, guys, it happened again. No, Lindsay Lohan hasn't gone to jail, Mel Gibson hasn't gone on some half-mad rampage, and Ryan Seacrest hasn't closed a deal to produce yet another cable reality show. No, some silly starlet has gone and posed in the "Demi." You know the pose — the naked pregnant pose with the arms over the breast and the hand blocking the crotch that Demi Moore and Annie Leibovitz made famous on the cover of Vanity Fair in 1991. Yes, we all know it. Now everyone needs to stop copying it forever!  The latest offender is model and Victoria Secret "angel" Alessandra Ambrosio, who posted this photo on Facebook of her in the offending position. First of all, damn, that is one tiny baby bump. Secondly, this is about the hackiest, most trite, over-used pose that a pregnant woman could think of. Just stop. As evidenced by its ability to bear children, the human body is a many-splendored thing. There must be some other configuration of body and limbs and light and diaphanous curtains that you could employ to show off the body and the bump without having to resort to something that's copied more than a bootleg version of The Hunger Games at a Chinatown DVD factory.  Seriously, Jessica Simpson just ripped off the pose for the cover of ELLE last month, and every celebrity with a fetus and an exhibitionist streak has tried it. We've seen Mariah Carey, Cindy Crawford, Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Nia Long, Claudia Schiffer, and Miranda Kerr all do their take on the "Demi." We've even seen it spoofed 18 years ago as the poster for Naked Gun 33 1/3 and earlier this year on the cover of New York magazine.  This is it. I'm calling for a moratorium on this photo for all time. No more "Demi"s. For all the celebrities and photo directors out there who think they can revive the pose, remember this: The original shot was done in 1991. That is 21 years ago. That is so old. The little bun in that oven now looks like this and has her own band and a Twitter account. Being pregnant is supposed to make a woman look beautiful, young, and vital. Posing on the "Demi" doesn't do that. It makes her look old, dated, and hackneyed. So, stop it, starlets. You're even embarrassing the unborn baby.  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan  More:  Jessica Simpson's Naked Cover Controversy—'Elle' Magazine Responds  Pregnant Jessica Simpson's Nude Cover: 6 Moms-to-Be Who Bared All  Jessica Simpson: 'Whenever My Water Breaks, It Will Be Like a Fire Hydrant'
  • Simon Cowell Is Really Really Not Gay
    By: Brian Moylan April 23, 2012 12:53pm EST
    Get ready for this bombshell, people. There's a new book coming out about the life of American Idol and X-Factor producer and judge Simon Cowell where he comes out of the closet. Yes, Simon Cowell finally tells the whole world that he is... straight?  It's true: Simon Cowell professes his love for the ladies and tries to kill the gay rumors as dead as Taylor Hicks' record contract. "If I was gay, why wouldn’t I admit it? It wouldn’t harm me and my mother wouldn’t freak out," Cowell tells Tom Bower, author of Sweet Revenge: The Intimate Life Of Simon Cowell, which comes out tomorrow. Bower says that there is no concrete evidence that Simon has ever had sexual relations with a man and no one has come forward to even make allegations. Cowell's stance is quite cosmopolitan and shows that, despite teasing Ryan Seacrest about what he may or may not be doing in bed, Cowell seems to think there is nothing wrong with being gay.  Bower and Cowell trace the rumors back to Cowell's early days in the record industry, when he was promoting So Macho, a recording by his then-girlfriend Sinitta. No one wanted to play it, so Cowell did what any producer with few choices and a female vocalist on his hands would do: He went after the gay audience. He met some gay club promoters and, when he had a falling out with one of them, one promoter publicly called Simon a "vain old queen."  It always seemed like the label fit, even if the sexual orientation didn't. From all accounts, Cowell has a "camp" sensibility. And here we just thought he was acting British.Well, we're glad that the record is finally — um, straight. Now, what do you think Seacrest's biography is going to have to say?  Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan  More:Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul Are Still Friends After 'The X Factor' ExitSimon Cowell Thinks Lady Gaga Is BoringSimon Cowell Finds Brick-Weilding Intruder in His Home
  • 'Mad Men' Recap: What a Long, Strange Trip It's Been
    By: Brian Moylan April 23, 2012 10:38am EST
    Hello, class, and welcome to Non-Linear Narratives 101. My name is Dr. Moylan. Please take out your copies of Ford Maddox Ford's The Good Soldier and Virginia Woolfe's The Waves and let us begin. We'll start by addressing the issue of last night's episode of Mad Men where the action unfolded in three distinct waves, reuniting at certain flash points, and showing how the characters of our show interact and influence each other. The narrative technique employed was not a straight line through time from A to B vacillating between characters and separate arcs but was rather three straight lines on the same grid, one for each of the three characters showing only their perspective on events over a certain period of time. While this structure is meant to show how the characters are on a similar trajectory, it also shows their isolation. They are not sharing the same space, they're not equal characters in one text but rather they are the main character of each of their own texts. Still there are motifs and central themes that we see while visiting with Peggy, Roger, and eventually Don. Drugs play a part in most of them, especially a visual through-line of a lighter, the source of ignition, the agent that kicks off the drugs. We also see male-female dynamics at play, and a dedication to work and how disorienting and destructive that can be. There is lying on carpets (or furniture) either together or alone, and some elements of cinematic genre classifications with Peggy's story using the conventions of a sci-fi drama, Roger's a psychedelic expedition, and Don's a psychological thriller. All of the stories intersect at the beginning with Peggy, Roger, and Don filling out the details of one morning in the office, and, by adding up the three lines we get the complete story. However the only other lines that reintersect are Don and Peggy, when Peggy talks to Don on the phone. Roger never reintegrates himself with the rest of the characters, a trajectory that the character has been on all season, furthering himself into irrelevance. Now that we see how they fit together, let us look at them separately to see how they play out. Peggy: We start by seeing Peggy searching around her room for a case of lavender candies that Don gave her once, something that's a good luck charm that she takes to her presentations. Her (rather hunky) boyfriend Abe has spent the night and he complains that he's sick of playing second fiddle to her job. Why can't she just go to the movie with him once in awhile and not think about work? He's also upset that half the time she doesn't want to "make love" with him when he comes to spend the night with her. He leaves in a fit. As usual the theme with Peggy is going to be about gender expectations and career aspirations, something she's constantly trying to balance. In the office Peggy is nervous about her presentation for Heinz Baked Beans, who already rejected her first pitch about a "bean ballet" in the first episode of this season. She finds her lucky charm but then her real lucky charm, Don, decides to run out on an expedition and takes Megan with him. Her team is short staffed going into a presentation. She pitches Heinz on a scene of college kids around a campfire, telling them it is a scene of fighting off the night and the scary darkness that's all around them. It's similar to Ginsberg's successful pitch to the shoe company about Cinderella's stalker and it shows the sort of lurking dread that's been pervading the action all season, as if there is something just out of reach that is trying to destroy the characters. Heinz does not like the pitch. Well, their rep does like the pitch, but he can't say he likes it. Like an annoying executive he says, "Stop showing me what I asked for and show me what I want." Being unclear of one's spoken and unspoken desires is another theme that we see running through each of the stories. Anyway, Peggy, when challenged, does what her mentor Don would have done and gets a little aggressive with the client, telling him it is excellent work that actually made him feel emotion. However, there is one big difference between Don and Peggy and that is what is between their legs. If a man were to do that, he'd be seen as ballsy. When Peggy does it, she is seen as impertinent, and the Heinz rep even likens her to his daughter, infantilizing her and couching her in a role where he is the one in charge, not her. He leaves in a huff and wants Peggy taken off his account. Don left Peggy in charge and she f**ked it all up. But this only shows, once again, that Peggy has no role model for what she's doing. Don can teach her how to come up with great ads, write copy, and hone her ideas and pitches, but she can't mirror his behavior when dealing with coworkers or clients. The way that men and women are expected to act, even in a professional capacity, is completely different. Without Don to show her what to do, Peggy has to figure it out on her own, being Don's surrogate isn't going to cut it. Next: Peggy plays PG-13 hookie. [Photo: AMC] Peggy goes off to the movies to forget about her troubles and meets a stranger in the movie theater who gets her good and stoned and comes to sit next to her. In the darkness he makes his move, putting his hand on her thigh. If there is one thing that Peggy hates more than being condescended to it's being an object. She doesn't want to be some tart used to fulfill men's desires, especially considering that the time she was used in such a capacity (with Pete Campbell) it ended with her having a secret baby and being locked away. Peggy takes his hand off her leg, and instead puts her own hand in his crotch. She does not want to be the passive recipient in this relationship. She wants to be active, she wants to be the one in charge. Finally, here is a man who will let her take his fate into her own hands, so to speak. That's all Peggy really wants is a man to appreciate her for being a woman, but to trust her enough to steer the ship. After an ample hand washing, Peggy runs into Ginsberg having an argument with his father in the hallway of the office. He's trying to get dad to go home. Like so many of the other employees, he's pissed when the worlds of his professional and personal life interface, but he keeps blaming Peggy for butting into his life, even though it's unfolding in their shared professional space. She's not actively seeking out information, she's just passively observing what's going on. Peggy falls asleep in Don's office and this time it's Dawn waking her up instead of the other way around. Peggy gets a call from Don and this is the first hint that we get that the narrative is not going to run in a straight line. Don is at a pay phone speaking hurriedly and his hair is mussy. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then Don's forelock is the doorway to his psyche. When it's messy, he's messy. Don't you love how that always happens? Anyway, Don is upset but Peggy can only think about herself, going on and on about Heinz even after Don hangs up. She goes into her office and Ginsberg starts to open up to her. "I'm a Martian," he says. He tells a story about how he's not even a human and that man she saw in the lobby isn't his father. He says the man found in him a Swedish (or was it Swiss?) orphanage because he had been born in a concentration camp and his parents had died there. He says that's impossible, but if it's 1967 and Auschwitz and other concentration camps were liberated in 1945, it seems to be just about right based on Ginsberg's age (I'm guessing he's in his early 20s). But he doesn't mean impossible physically, but psychically. How can he be from a concentration camp and his parents dead and he lives a wonderful life in America? How can he process that? Instead he says that he is an alien and has been given instructions to stay there and he's waiting for a message from Mars for further instruction. This story sort of echos what Peggy said to Dawn when she slept over, "There aren't many of us, and we have to stick together." Peggy sort of buys into Ginsberg's story in that she understands his isolation and loneliness, which are manifested and literalized into his feeling that he is an alien. Still the story is confusing and unsettling. She doesn't know whether Ginsberg really thinks that or if this is just another one of his crazy quirks that he so often displays, as if he's taking her for a ride. However this is the theme for this episode, it would seem. That we're all aliens here trying to form connections. We all feel lost and alone and out of place and don't know what we're supposed to do or what our greater purpose is. While we try to understand each other and form bonds, they are always fraught and never seem to last. We're all in this on our own. She goes home and calls Abe and tells him that she always needs him and he comes over in the middle of the night. She's finally in control and her man seems to have ceded to her demands. Next: Roger gets really groovy. Roger: Alright, class, I'm just going to come clean: I have taken my fair share of LSD in my day. While I've never seen what the experience is like accurately depicted on stage, screen, or song, this episode of Mad Men was clearly written by some people who have tripped once or twice in their lives. They got most of the fundamentals exactly right. The story restarts with Roger and Don discussing something in the morning. One of the major reasons to employ a non-linear narrative is to create confusion or disorientation. Viewers are so used to seeing a show go from A to B (especially when every episode of the series thus far has been structured like that) there are a few moments of feeling totally unmoored while trying to acclimate to the shifting and unfamiliar structure. This is generally a reflection of how the characters feel, especially one like Roger who is about to go completely unmoored while taking LSD. Roger wants to take Don off on a Howard Johnson boondoggle to get away from his wife and get drunk and hire hookers and do whatever it is that Roger Sterling does at a motor lodge in upstate New York with another man. Don decides that rather than taking Roger, he's going to take Megan and make a weekend out of it. Now we know where Don and Megan are off to and we know it doesn't end well, creating in the audience a sense of impending doom and dread, which is one of our big major themes this season (it appears). Instead, Roger is stuck going to a dinner party with his wife Jane, the secretary that he married after his heart attacks so that he could feel young and vital again. It seems they aren't a match made in heaven and she wants to dress like a Martian princess and hang out with snooty intellectual types while Roger wants to, I don't know, lie around with his hand in his pants and watch My Mother the Car on television. Roger goes with her to this fancy dinner party hosted by Angela Chase's mom from My So-Called Life and they have a very deep discussion about truth. "I think the truth is real on any planet," Jane says, because she is a Martian princess and she knows what happens on other planets and we're already thinking about aliens thanks to Ginsberg and it all reverberates in our skulls rather nicely. Then Angela Chase's mom says something that sort of explains the whole episode and possibly all of life. That tracing logic back to the point of truth is sort of pointless. Even once we know the truth we still make the same mistakes. That means it doesn't matter if we're an alien or human because everything is flawed and the truth is inconsequential, even though we somehow feel it is somehow essential to our existence. The everyone drops acid! Turns out Angela Chase's mom is Jane's psychiatrist and they are going to take drugs in a controlled environment. Jane thinks it will bring them closer together, to go on a trip without leaving a very well-appointed apartment and in a safe atmosphere. The other doctor who will be guiding them tells them that they have to go into the experience optimistic or else it is going to be bad. Oh, how true that is. Every time I was unsure about dropping acid it turned out to be a very negative experience, but if you're trying to have fun and approach it with an open mind it can be a very different experience. (Kids, don't do acid though. Really. It's not worth it.) Roger initially thinks that the drug isn't working until he starts, and I think this is the technical term for it, tripping balls. The music comes out of the vodka bottle and his cigarette miraculous shortens. One of the things the show gets right is that tripping takes a long time, usually six to 10 hours (in my experience) and it starts in waves and peaks in the middle before lessening out near the end. This is how it starts with Roger, with a few slight hallucinations about his age and advertising. Then his guide tells him not to look in the mirror, another really bad idea for those who have dosed. When Roger does he sees himself as a man who is both young and old at once, a man who may look old on the outside but is young on the inside. Well, he may know he's getting older, but he sees the world in the same way he always has, so he doesn't perceive his age the same way that those who see his gray hair do. When he starts to freak out and needs someone safe, instead of seeing his guide, he sees Don, equating work with a place where he feels comfortable, something that he can latch onto while the world spins around him. Next: Why so smiley, Roger? [Photo: AMC] He and Jane go home and get in the tub together and we see them down to their fundamental nature. Roger is happy and exuberant, but living in the past, watching the 1919 World Series, one that is also tainted by the Black Sox's scandal. Jane is scared and self-conscious, worried that Roger is laughing at her when he is expressing joy. They both end up with pink towels wrapped around their heads (a good look for Roger) and discussing their relationship. They both agree that it's over. Jane was waiting for Roger to say it was over and Roger was waiting for Jane to say it, but now they both know. They've gotten down to the truth of their relationship and that is that they don't really love each other, and possibly never really did. In the morning they wake up and Roger is happy, which can't be true. The day after tripping is one of the worst of your whole entire life. You wake up with your tongue feeling like a burned out cigarette butt sitting in an ashtray that has been left out in the rain and crapped in by a bird. Your back hurts, your mind is fuzzy, and you're trying to sort out just what was real and what wasn't. One of the other truisms about tripping is that while coming down from LSD and starting to rejoin reality, you always solve all the world's problems, then you promptly forget those solutions the next day. This is just what happens to Jane and when Roger tells her that he's leaving her, she gets sad. She didn't remember a thing of what they talked about. Like the ad exec what she says she wants and what she really wants are two different things. But she acquiesces and tells him that it will be expensive, but they move on calmly into their next chapter. Roger, while so afraid of being alone that he married Jane, has found happiness and vitality on his own. He's the only one who seems to be happy in his isolation. Don: Alright, so Don takes Megan away to a weekend at Howard Johnson, which seems so glamorous you want to die. He tells her that they are leaving work right away, even though she wants to stay for the Heinz pitch. He sort of orders her away against her wishes, since he's both her husband and her boss. As they're driving up north (in a car ride that looks so fake it's almost like it's a joke about movies from the '60s and how fake their car rides look) Megan is wearing her super fierce sunglasses and she tells him to tell her about HoJo so that she can fall asleep. It's clear that she doesn't want to be there. When they arrive at their dinky destination, they eat a whole bunch of food, but Megan is still excited about ordering dessert. Don says they'll have orange sherbert and two spoons. He's been telling her about this all day and is excited to share this experience with her. When it arrives she tries it gamely, but says it tastes like perfume. Don gets upset like she's trying to embarrass him and she shoves all the sherbert in her mouth in a move that is both hilarious and terrifying and just waiting to be made into an animated .gif to live on the internet for all of eternity. First "Zou Besou" and now this. The awful, humiliating things these writers make Megan do. But Megan is pissed, and I would be too. Don doesn't listen to a thing she says. He just sort of orders her around and bullies her and doesn't take her feelings or desires into account at all. He can't compromise. He wants this little woman to do whatever he says and when she doesn't he bristles against it. Don gets upset that she is defiant and brings up how she always calls her mother. "Why don't you call your mother," Megan says, which is just such a nasty burn to Don for so many reasons (his mother is dead, his mother was a prostitute, he's ashamed of his mother, he's hiding his real identity, and on and on and on for a million therapy sessions). Don gets in his car and leaves Megan at the HoJo, screaming at him in the parking lot that she's talking to him. That's the difference between Megan and almost every woman we've seen Don with up to this point: she fights back. Sure, Betty would pout and yell, but she always caved in the end. Megan is also in the position where Don is in total control of her, both at home and at work, where her not unsizable ambition is starting to take shape. Next: Don takes an ill-advised fake drive. [Photo: AMC] Don takes another fake drive and gets his head about him and goes back to HoJo to apologize or work it out or order Megan into submission again, but we'll never know, because she's gone and he finds her fierce sunglasses in the parking lot. The waitress says she left with some boys and we start to get worried. This is like the plot of Frantic where Harrison Ford's wife mysteriously disappears and he has no clue where she went or if she's been kidnapped. He spends a tense night in the HoJo, calling everyone (including Peggy, which we saw earlier) and their apartment seven million times. In his desperation, he calls Megan's mother, wondering if she called. He can't bring himself to confide in her about what happened. He can't open up to another person, even in his emotional fragility. Just as we think Dick Whitman is fusing into Don Draper to become one person he reverts back to his stoic and secretive ways. While driving home, the narrative fractures once again, and we see Don and his kids in the car with Megan returning from their vacation to California, the one where he fell in love with Megan and proposed to her afterwards. He's remembering her in the rose tint of hindsight, but he wakes up and she's not there. He has no idea where she is. She is lost and so is he. When he arrives home, she still won't let him in. This is just a repeat of the fight they had after Don's birthday party, and it seems like they're going to be one of those Elizabeth Taylor/Richard Burton couples, whose passion is defined more by their make ups and break ups than by a steady placidity of mutual affection. She won't let him in the house and he kicks the door down, chasing her around the apartment. What is he going to do when he catches her? Is he going to murder her? Beat her? Force her into some sort of submission. Don needs to appreciate this is not a problem that he can control by force, as he has all his past engagements with women. He needs to stop making the same mistakes over and over again, even if he knows the truth about himself. And why can't these two just break up already and we can never think about Megan again? Like Roger and Jane, they're just delaying the inevitable. Don knew the truth about Roger's relationship and still made the same exact mistake himself. Finally they crash onto the rug and have some semblance of an adult conversation and seem to make up, though there's no resolution at all. They just sort of drop the argument and continue to coexist. Even back at the office later that morning their kissing and heading off in their separate directions. If they don't solve this problem, it will continue to be a problem and will only escalate. Also, what is up with people lying on the floor? Roger and Jane curled up on the carpet together in a gender reversal of the famous John Lennon and Yoko Ono pose from the cover of Rolling Stone, and of course we have Don and Megan rolling around naked on the floor of their dirty apartment from the first episode. Is this Mad Men's version of hitting rock bottom? When he gets to the office, the narrative is fractured again, this time by Bert Cooper who comes out of the blue with a story of his own. Don confronts him about an ad that the former creative chief told Don to redo and Bert tells him he has been on "love leave" and hasn't been putting the work into the place that he needs to. He "let a little girl run the place" and it's fallen to shit. Megan is really in for a rough time once Don starts devoting himself to work all the time. Then we see a shot of the whole team walking in one direction and Peggy walking in the other direction. If you can't tease that symbol out for yourself, then you deserve to fail this whole damn class. Roger bursts in and says that he has an announcement to make. Just when you think it's going to be about him and Jane busting up he says, "It's going to be a wonderful day." Someone this declaration of optimism only seems to heighten the cloud of dread that is closing around everyone. Looming and dread, people. Get into it! Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: 'Mad Men' Recap: Packing a Punch 'Mad Men' Recap: An American Horror Story 'Mad Men' Meets 'Walking Dead': Don Draper Eats Intestines
  • Bill O'Reilly Idiotically Says 'Glee' Will Make Kids Experiment with Being Gay
    By: Brian Moylan April 20, 2012 2:04pm EST
    There are a million reasons not to watch Glee, Fox's unicorn turd of jazz hands in a field of rainbows, most of which have to do with the uneven plot lines, inconsistent characters, and movie-of-the-week sentimentality. Fox News blowhard Bill O'Reilly has a whole new reason not to watch the show: it might make you gay. Well, that's not quite what he and Gretchen Carlson, a blond wig that whispers intolerance, have to say about the show, but it's something close. The pair takes umbrage with Unique, a transgender character on Tuesday's episode. Yes, the show's after school special moment this week was about being the person who you are inside, even if that person happens to be of a different gender than you were born with. Bill and the Whispering Wig think that this show will make children experiment with being gay and transgender because they saw it on television. This is such a steaming pile of bulls**t. Bill says that when he saw James Dean smoking he thought James Dean was cool and so if kids see gay and transgender people on Glee they'll think it's cool and they'll want to give it a shot. The problem with that is almost every kid knows that being gay isn't cool. Saying something is "gay" is still the highest insult to teenagers and calling people the six-letter f-word is still a common epithet for those still young and stupid enough to toss it around. Kids know that being gay isn't "cool." However, it is something that is a part of people's lives and something that the younger generations are coming to accept that more than Bill and Righteous Indignation Barbie ever will. Also, Bill, being gay or transgender, while it may come with a certain set of behaviors, is not a behavior like smoking. It's an identity. It's an orientation. It's about something deep inside that needs to be expressed. The show hopes to communicate that to the people out there that feel it and explain those people to a mainstream audience. It's not trying to recruit. If it were, based on the number of iTunes downloads the show gets every week, we'd already have swarms of sissy boys and dykes on bikes at every pep rally at every high school in all of America. Watching television doesn't have that ability to change a person fundamentally. Heck, I religiously watched ER in high school and I didn't end up wanting to be a doctor. I didn't even end up wanting to go to medical school. Or to law school or the police academy. Considering the amount of hours I've logged watching countless people pursue those "lifestyles," if that hasn't turned me, then nothing will. Bill, next time you want to tell people to stop watching Glee, tell them to stop watching it because it's bad. Leave the whole gay thing out of it. Here's their full conversation, if you can even stand it.   Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Colfer concerned about fan backlash to gay sex Glee episode Ford & Glee dominate GLAAD Media Awards Glee creator calls for Newsweek boycott
  • Bravo's 'Kathy' Has Plenty of Promise, Not Enough Format
    By: Brian Moylan April 20, 2012 1:10pm EST
    The great thing about comedian Kathy Griffin was that she was always like having a really funny friend who knew some things about Hollywood. Going to see her stand up act where she talked about her run-ins on Hollywood Squares and other D-List shows was hysterical — like you were just in her living room and she was telling only you. Then a funny thing happened and she started My Life on the D List, her Emmy-winning reality show about being on the outs in Hollywood. Suddenly she was catapulted to the B(ish)-list and her stories started to get a little bit farther removed from reality and she lost some of that scrappy-friend feel for a Hollywood shine. Her new weekly Bravo talk show Kathy, which debuted last night, has some of that scrappy feel, but not necessarily in the same way. Kathy comes out in a gorgeous red dress her stylist picked out for her, looking thin with her hair and makeup done to perfection. This is not the pudgy broad who we saw with no makeup and badly permed hair hating to get on a treadmill in the first season of D List. She said before the show aired that she has no format in mind and is just winging it. It makes sense she starts with a little monologue, which was like a bit of her live act, but pegged to events of the day. Luckily for whoever is tasked with the bleep button at Bravo, she tapes it a couple days in advance. After the monolog she has three visitors come out. She claims they are "civilians," but we know that's not true. One is Michelle Collins, a writer and comedian who is one of the most naturally funny people I've ever met in my life (hey, gurl, how you been?!). She's a blast to hang out with, and that comes across as she and Kathy chat about everything from the recent secret service scandal to Real Housewives farting in their Spanx. The other two are Meredith Morris, who is Kathy's assistant Tiffany's roommate, and Greg Howell, another comedian. Meredith had a hilarious story to share about seeing Wilson Phillips perform at Loehmans (yes, the department store) and this is where everything was at its best. Meredith was funny without even knowing it, Kathy was riffing with her, Michelle and Greg got into the fun, and it was just like her old stand up act. Just a bunch of girlfriends having a gab. After the couch chat there was a silly film about Kathy interviewing her new staff (more forced bit than actual comedy) and a chat with them on stage followed by a short farewell interview with Kathy's mother Maggie, who Kathy insists on turning into a star even when she's not shining her brightest. Yes, there were some genuine laughs during the hour and Kathy is at her funniest when she's not trying to hard. That's why the show needs a little bit more of an idea what it's going for. Once she has her segments down pat, she can relax into being herself and bitching with her guests on the couch. Kathy is always at her best when she's looking a little frazzled and seems like she's going to take out of tube of cookie dough to eat while she's talking about Toddlers and Tiaras. That's always my favorite Kathy, and I hope Kathy brings her out. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Kathy Griffin Ends 'Life On The D-List' Kathy Griffin Confesses Her Love for Justin Bieber, Jim Carrey-Style Kathy Griffin Shocks Emmy Audience...Again
  • No, Jennifer Lopez Is Not Dressed Like Gumby on Purpose
    By: Brian Moylan April 20, 2012 10:06am EST
    Jennifer Lopez is famous for wearing that Versace dress that was cut down to her navel and actually pulling it off. The same can not be said for these green pallazzo pants that make her look like everyone's favorite Claymation hero, Gumby. Maybe if they were a different color or a little bit less voluminous, she'd get the on-trend look she was going for rather than looking like someone's mom going to a bad key party in the '70s. And what is she waiting for? The valet to bring her car or Pokey to trot up and offer her a ride on his back? Maybe she'll be waiting there until Halloween finally rolls around (she has her costume all ready). Heidi Klum's party is just around the corner! We know she's not waiting for Marc Anthony to get a job, that's for sure. Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan More: Jennifer Lopez Isn't Sure About Marrying Again Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull Join Forces in 'Dance Again' Single Jennifer Lopez Blindfolds Her Boyfriend & Rubs His Body