Author

Sara Schaefer
Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser.
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': The End is Upon Us (Season 9, Episode 10)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jul 30, 2013
    I have to say, this season on The Bachelorette, I've been frustrated and bored. Maybe I'm just tired of the same old journey. Maybe I'm turned off by Desiree's girly approach to love and her constant use of the phrase "that's so cute" during serious conversations about feelings and her future. Or maybe I'm just sick of v-neck t-shirts. But last night, on this season's penultimate episode, I think we witnessed one of the most honest turn of events in the show's history. Desiree spent romantic days with both Chris and Drew, fully partaking in the fantasy suite and all the boning that goes with it. But the real s**t went down when Brooks returned from an emotional visit with his family, wherein they advised him not to propose unless he was absolutely 100% sure about his love for Desiree. He realized he wasn't. Because AFTER DATING SOMEONE FOR 9 WEEKS IN A POLYGAMOUS, TELEVISED RELATIONSHIP, THERE IS NO WAY YOU ARE SURE. And then there we were, on a tropical beach, waiting for Brooks to arrive for a day of romance. Desiree was upbeat. I thought it was a weird choice to edit in audio of her saying "I'm in love with him," and "If he proposed to me right now, I would say yes." For the obvious reasons, yes. (It's produced! And when have we ever heard a Bachelorette confess her love for one man over another before the final episode?) But also, I think it took away from the real-life drama that followed.  Brooks arrives and tells Desiree the truth. What follows is literally 25 minutes of crying. I'm not exaggerating. I timed it. In the midst of it, this conversation happened: Desiree: I'm in love with you. Brooks: (The breath is taken out of him.) Why didn't you tell me that earlier? Desiree: Because I can't. And herein lies the truth: Brooks is — naturally, obviously! — afraid of getting his heart broken on national television. At this point, he has no idea that Desiree has already made up her mind and that she thinks Drew and Chris are just two hot guys she'd like to bang before she gets engaged. But Brooks doesn't know that, because it is forbidden by the producers for her to say it outright. You can hear his voice change and the surprise seep in when he realizes the truth. And this is why I think this is a totally honest moment on the show. Brooks is actually a normal person for not wanting to rush into a marriage in such insane circumstances. And Desiree is showing her true feelings out of sync with the normal narrative of the show. I loved it, and I have to admit: this is great television! Thank you, Bachelorette producers!!! After about 18 more minutes of crying, Brooks finally leaves. This dude is really upset for someone who's not in love. Hmmmm. METHINKS HE MIGHT HAVE MADE A MISTAKE? Given the previews for next week, it's pretty clear that the game is over... or is it? I bet you anything Brooks comes back. I just really hope it happens with Drew on one knee and suddenly we hear Brooks screaming from a boat in the distance: "DESIREE!!!" Either way, I'm guessing that this really IS the most dramatic ending of the Bachelorette ever. HELL YES! Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: The Barcelona Blow-Out'The Bachelorette' Recap: Armageddon'The Bachelorette' Recap: Beauty Queens   From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': Hometown Visits (Season 9, Episode 8)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jul 16, 2013
    Ah, can you smell that? It's the scent of Hometown Visits in the air! Can you feel the excitement? The earnest conversations with mothers! The sideways glances from skeptical sisters! The deep exploration of a contestant's past! And by deep, I mean totally non-existent! Last night, Desiree visited the hometowns and families of her final four guys. Here are my thoughts. Zak's Family Chorus Zak brought Desiree to his home in Dallas, where he described a "dream" that he had, which involved bodies melting into a beach, strange snowflakes, and hundreds of children running. It's called being vulnerable, you guys. Or maybe it was an acid trip. Or just a terrible way to transition into showing off his snow-cone business. Regardless, Zak pulled out all the stops when he had his siblings sing the song he wrote for Desiree. Though I was fully expecting her to say "It was a little pitchy, dawg," she was instead quite moved and got tears in her eyes. Zak ended the visit by confessing his love and giving her a promise ring he had bought in Atlantic City. Drew's Whole New World Drew's family lives in Scottsdale, Arizona, and here, he introduced Desiree to the whole gang, which includes his severely mentally handicapped sister, Melissa. It was sweet watching him interact with her — though I got a little squeamish when Desiree pulled out her patronizing "that's so cute." (It's become clear to me that Desiree's go-to response to anything that makes her uncomfortable is "that’s so cute!" Zak's siblings singing? "So cute!" Chris' terrible poetry? "Cute!" Brooks' penis? JK, JK.) Anyway, Drew's family couldn't stop saying stuff like "We've never seen him like this before!" What, you mean with a woman? Chris' Adjustments One of the best parts of hometown visits is seeing the contestant in their own element. And we really saw Chris get comfortable in McMinnville, Ore., when his chiropractor dad sucked all the boogers out of his nose. Awesome! My favorite part of this visit, however, was how often Chris' family kept referring to his ex-girlfriend as "the last one." They really hated The Last One. The Last One ruined Chris' life. Even Grandma couldn't stand The Last One! God, we hope The Last One is watching this! Also, Chris delivered the most delusional line of the entire episode: "There's no possible way these feelings are being expressed with anyone else." Oh boy. Brooks' Doubts Desiree really wanted Brooks to say "I love you." All the other guys followed the appropriate Bachelorette timeline and confessed their love on the hometown visit — why couldn't he? Why is he being such a rebel? She probably summed it up best in an unwitting moment of clarity: "He is holding back from falling in love because I am dating other guys." YA THINK? Also, can we just talk about Brooks' eyes? They are always bloodshot. And considering how much he repeated the words "unexpected" and "vulnerable" last night, it begs the question, is Brooks a stoner? Zak Doesn't Get It After having a frank conversation with her evil brother Nate (or, as I like to call him, the most honest person in Bachelor/Bachelorette history), Desiree is ready to make her decision. It's getting tough, but she decided to let Zak go. I personally thought he was the most authentic man in the group. In other words, a terrible match for Desiree. After dealing him the blow, Desiree walks a bewildered Zak to the limo. He kept saying "I don’t get it." He was truly blindsided. I guess he forgot Desiree has been dating over a dozen men for the past few weeks. Poor Zak! You can engineer my drill fluid any day of the week. Finally, he throws the promise ring out the window. So now we know it must have been extremely cheap. It was purchased in Atlantic City, after all.  Next week, it's The Men Tell All, and I can't wait to see Chris Harrison get clobbered by a stray punch in the melee that will undoubtedly break out. Fingers crossed! Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: The Barcelona Blow-Out'The Bachelorette' Recap: Armageddon'The Bachelorette' Recap: Beauty Queens   From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': Barcelona Blow-Out (Season 9, Episode 6)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jul 02, 2013
    Emmy Award-Winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host Of MTV's Late Show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.Com all season long.  Though last night's episode of The Bachelorette mainly revolved around the trial and conviction of Mr. Wrong Reasons James, there were many romantic moments in underground caves. Here are the top moments from last night's Barcelona journey!  The Taming of the Drew Before starting her one-on-one date with Drew, Desiree says that the reason she picked him is because "he is so romantic and passionate about romance." These are just the quirks about Drew that really make him special, you know? In a quaint little dessert shop, Drew reveals something he's never told anyone: that his father is a recovering alcoholic and has cancer. What better time to reveal it than on a nationally televised dating game show?! So romantic, that Drew. Then, as the two are about to sit down to eat a romantic dinner in a crypt of some kind, Drew dramatically pulls Des out of the room and sweeps her into the streets of Barcelona for a sexier, more intimate makeout session against a brick wall. From what I tell he may have made it to second base! This is really hot, especially coming from such a reserved guy... and by "reserved" I mean I'm pretty sure he dreams about marrying a man 24 hours a day. The People v. James  The men have absolutely HAD it with James' disgusting comments made in private to Mikey. No man who is there for the right reasons would ever utter a word about any possible outcome other than marrying Desiree — even if your chances of that actually happening are 1 in 24. The cat was out of the bag — Drew tore the veil away on his one-on-one date and told Desiree about James' true evil nature. Meanwhile, the men confront James and he desperately tries to defend himself by pointing at each guy individually and screaming "F**k you!" This is getting super intense! In the words of Kasey, there's all kinds of "counter-accusating" going on! When Des confronts him, James' defense is probably one of the most eloquent I've ever heard. I think he said "Des, this is hard" 43 times. His tears were so real — I bet he had to imagine his dog dying a horrific death to get those rolling! During their second talk on the matter, James goes even further to show his true emotions by sweating profusely in his man-boob area. It honestly looked like he was lactating. Which, as we all know, is a sign of true love. This is going to make Desiree's decision that much harder. Ultimately, Des decides to send James home, weeping nipples and all. In the end, Drew described James' actions best: "It just doesn't make any sense... to a normal person." That is so true because none of this makes any sense... to a normal person. Goodbye My Sweet, Sweet Juan Pablo Also sent home this week, aside from James and Kasey, was Juan Pablo. Our Latin lover is no more. In his exit interview, he tears up talking about all he wants is to share Christmas with a wife and children. It's official: Desiree hates Christmas!!!! The Preview For Next Week By far the most exciting part of last night's episode was the preview for next week. From what I can tell, it seems like Drew dumps her (probably because he realizes he loves penis), Brooks goes ballistic, and everyone is bawling. I mean, I don't know guys. It seems like perhaps Desiree stops the show and decides that she doesn't want to marry any of the guys and wants to live a normal life??? Come on Bachelorette producers, let's make history together!!! Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Armageddon'The Bachelorette' Recap: Beauty Queens  'The Bachelorette' Recap: No More Man Tears From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': Armageddon (Season 9, Episode 5)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jun 25, 2013
    Emmy Award-winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host of MTV's late show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.com all season long.  Monday night on The Bachelorette, the colorful v-necks were replaced by colorful hoodies as Desiree took her men to Munich, Germany. In last week's preview, we heard one of the guys saying, "This is armageddon." So, naturally, I popped some popcorn, settled in on my couch, and prepared to watch seven attractive men die on a ski slope. Unfortunately, I didn’t quite get what was promised. Nevertheless, here are the six most apocalyptic moments from last night's episode! 6. Bryden Breathes Hellfire Into Chris's One-on-One After expressing some doubts on last week's episode, Bryden came to the realization that he doesn't see a future with Desiree. He didn't want to waste any more of her time, so, of course, he needed to hit the streets of Munich and tell her the news while she was on a one-on-one date with Chris. Asking locals if they've seen an attractive couple with cameras following them (because it would be silly to ask the producers!), Bryden finally found them, frolicking in the middle of a square. How dare he break up this sexy, romantic moment? But dare he did. Desiree was immediately suspicious that he Knew he wasn’t into it Before they went to Germany. Unbelievable. Yet again, another man was here for the wrong reasons. Bryden? He was here to take a one-day trip to Munich. He got what he wanted, and threw her away like a piece of trash. Desiree, heartbroken, cried for three seconds and continued on her date with Chris. 5. James Is Actually Satan in Disguise Drew and Kasey revealed some highly explosive information: they overheard James telling Mikey that if he makes it to the end, he can become next season’s Bachelor and that he can get Mikey a lot of "tall, good-looking women that have a lot of money" after the show is over. Um, EXCYOOOOOOSE ME? There is literally nothing worse than this. James could have confessed to doing scientific experiments on live puppies and it wouldn't remotely compare to this. The other men were shocked, horrified, and frightened. They know now that there is a devil in their midst. Drew, our blue-eyed hero, became determined to expose James. And according to the previews, it all comes out on next week's episode. There. Will. Be. Blood. 4. Ben Skipped Easter On the dreaded two-on-one date with Ben and Michael, Desiree witnessed a grilling that would make even Bobby Flay blush. Michael had already made his intentions clear: he was a gladiator and he planned on murdering Ben. With the truth, of course! (But a machete would have also been quite effective, if you ask me.) Michael was on Ben's every word, calling BS at every turn. The death blow came when Michael tripped up Ben in a series of lies involving Easter. BEN DID NOT GO TO EASTER SERVICES!!! Though Michael put himself at great risk by exposing Ben (see Bachelorette Rule #629: Never Expose The Evil Contestant), it paid off. Desiree sent him packing, but not without slapping Michael on the wrist for being so honest.  3. Desiree Cancels the Cocktail Party I know. I know. I know. My jaw hit the Floor when Desiree told Chris Harrison that she would be foregoing the cocktail party. Especially given the fact that it was in an old German castle of some kind, and she was wearing a floor-length velvet robe! Well, just goes to show you, Desiree has a mind of her own, and when she's made up her mind about something, she'll listen to the producers who need to cut the cocktail party for time. But seriously, it was a tense rose ceremony, knowing that James narrowly avoided being exposed by Drew. Desiree, not knowing about this snake in the grass, sent poor Mikey home. It played out like a Shakespearean tragedy. I hope Chris writes a poem about it. 2. There Is Something Called a Hot Tug A Hot Tug is a thing that exists. It's a little boat that is also a hot tub, and you ride it around in a freezing cold lake and OMG this is amazing, how do I get one??? Desiree introduced this miracle of science by taking Michael and Ben out on one. But quickly, it became obvious that the Hot Tug sounds amazing in theory, but is maybe not so great in practice. Cut to five minutes later, in the middle of the lake, and these people look miserable. Hot, uncomfortable, with lots of clanking and noise from the Hot Tug's machinery. (And it certainly didn't help that Ben and Michael were being total hot tugs.) 1. Ben’s Limo Ride Oh, how I love when a Bachelor shows his true colors in the Limo ride out of town. Ben, so defiant and offended by Michael's accusations, just straight up Dropped that act the instant he was in the limo. I transcribed it as best I could, because rarely do you see this type of honesty in a Jekyll/Hyde contestant. Note: most of this is presumably directed towards the show's producers: "You want me to act unhappy? Because I'm not. You guys aren't gonna have a Bachelor... you guys missed out on a single father from the south. Hi, Hollywood! We're getting drunk. Let's have some fun tonight. How long until I can be seen in public with someone? Because I don't want to wait." Goodbye Ben, you can return your rented son now. Well, there you have it. The rapture of Desiree's heart will continue next week. Right now, Brooks, Chris and Zak seem to be the front-runners, but given recent events, you never know what evil is lurking! Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Beauty Queens 'The Bachelorette' Recap: No More Man Tears'The Bachelorette' Recap: War of the Reasons From Our Partners:What Happened to 33 Child Stars (Celebuzz)40 Most Revealing See-Through Red Carpet Looks (Vh1)
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': Beauty Queens (Season 9, Episode 4)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jun 18, 2013
    Emmy Award-Winning Comedian Sara Schaefer, Host Of MTV's Late Show Nikki & Sara Live, Will Be Blogging The Bachelorette For Hollywood.Com All Season Long.  Last night's episode of The Bachelorette was an emotional roller coaster (half-submerged in the Atlantic Ocean). Desiree took her gaggle of men to one of the world's most exotic locations: Atlantic City. Here are the highs, the lows, and all points in between:  The High: The Mr. America Pageant I have to say, this was one of the most delightful group dates I’ve ever seen. Because it was the most honest group date I’ve ever seen: a bunch of guys peacockin’ trying to impress a lady on national television. No pretending to be deep with emotions trying to “connect.” Or, as Drew so eloquently put it, “It’s a hodge podge of tom foolery; a devil’s brigade.” A devil’s brigade indeed. During the pageant, we saw Chris’ hula hoop routine in high heels, Kasey’s fake tap dance, Ben’s beautifully executed ribbon dance, Alex’s pelvic thrusts (I think my eyes got pregnant from watching that), and Zak W. actually singing a not-terrible love song! Unfortunately, nobody pulled a Miss Utah during the interview round. Kasey won the pageant, but Zak W. ultimately won the rose: because he defied the hallowed rules of this game and sang during one-on-one time with Desiree! I have to say, I was shocked that he pulled it off. As Chris wisely wrote in his poetry book, “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” Just kidding, T.S. Eliot said that. The Low: Getting Dumped at the Top of a Lighthouse  Before the pageant, Desiree went on one of this season’s obligatory “weed out the weak” one-on-one dates. You know what I’m talking about - every season, the Bachelor or Bachelorette picks someone they’re “not sure about,” so they can dump them mid-date? For Brad, this would be just such a swan song. Though the two had fun acting like kids on the Boardwalk, the date turned into a disaster when an actual conversation had to take place. I’m not sure if Brad is crippled by shyness or a mild brain injury, but he just does not have much to say. The result: cringe-worthy long pauses. I felt like I was watching one of those old SNL sketches when Chris Farley would interview a celebrity. “Remember that time we went on the sling shot...?” A few hours ago? Oh dear. Desiree knew she couldn’t give him a rose at this point, so she knew she had to let him down easy. So she made him walk up a thousand steps to the top of the lighthouse. Because there’s no better way to tell someone you’re not into them: out of breath, in a location where the only two exits are a tiny spiral staircase or suicidal leap.  The Middle: Manny & Jan’s Private Dance with Hootie While the men were off competing in the Mr. America pageant, James was eating strawberries in a bubble bath, exploring his body and preparing for his one-on-one date with Desiree. Their date was a helicopter over Hurricane Sandy wreckage. In other words, their date was sexy as hell. After the aerial view, they surveyed the damage on the ground by visiting a home owned by an old couple named Manny and Jan. During the heart-wrenching visit, a show producer Desiree got this really amazing idea: why don’t we gift our romantic date to Manny and Jan, and instead, we can eat garbage in a dumpy local restaurant? Wow. Is there a Nobel Peace Prize for Dates? James and Desiree, so moved by their act of charity, made out in front of the demolished house. See? I told you this date was sexy as hell. Of course, they didn’t actually gift the entire date to Manny and Jan, because that would be silly. They weren’t going to just give up the best part of a Bachelorette date: the private concert. Desiree and James showed up just in time. The scene was beautiful: a homeless couple, married for nearly 40 years, dancing to their favorite musician, Hootie. (Yes, I know his name is Darius Rucker, but Manny and Jan don’t know that. Shhhhh. Don’t ruin this beautiful moment.) The date ended with a heartfelt speech in which James once again emphasized how he abandoned his sickly father for this journey. Desiree, you better be grateful! According to previews for next week’s episode: it will be armageddon. (Literally, there was a clip of someone saying “This is armageddon.”) What! Wow! Isn’t this show pre-taped? How did we miss the apocalypse? Am I in heaven? Wait, what? Oh, you mean it’s Bachelorette armageddon? Oooooh, ok. So we’re just gonna see some guys get called out for being there for the wrong reasons? Got it. I can’t wait! Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: No More Man Tears'The Bachelorette' Recap: War of the Reasons'The Bachelorette' Recap: Bring on the Man Tears! 
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': No Man Tears Left (Season 9, Episode 3)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jun 11, 2013
    Emmy Award-Winning Comedian Sara Schaefer, Host Of MTV's Late Show Nikki & Sara Live, Will Be Blogging The Bachelorette For Hollywood.Com All Season Long.  This week on The Bachelorette, the emotions were running high, as the group dates are still highly competitive and many of the men grapple to get some precious time with Desiree to tell her about their son/dying father/junkie mom. If you missed it, here are my top five moments from last night’s journey. 5. Juan Pablo May Be Venezuelan, But He Definitely Knows How to French While the other boys were splitting their pants (poor Dan) on the Old West group date, Juan Pablo was using his foreign tongue to woo Desiree. She chose him as the winner of the cowboy challenge, and what romantic alone time awaited them? Watching The Lone Ranger in a barn, of course! It's the dream date women always fantasize about... Uh, what? Nevertheless, Juan Pablo used his time wisely and went in for a sexy, popcorny kiss. (Isn’t it interesting how you can tell which guys are good kissers and which guys have only kissed blow-up dolls? Juan Pablo, from my detailed, DVR-enhanced analysis, knows how to smooch.)  4. Is Brooks This Season’s Tierra?  On the only slightly less violent dodgeball group date, Brooks proved his love for Desiree by snapping his finger in half. For a second there, I wondered if Brooks would become this season’s Tierra, drawing Desiree away from the group by faking injuries. If that was his plan, he didn’t account for the fact that Desiree was a firsthand witness to Tierra’s antics. In fact, she just kind of gave him a pat on the back and left him to go to the ER by himself. Buck up, fellas, Desiree is here to play the field, not nurse your wounds. Side note: how obviously doped up was Brooks when he returned to the party? 3. Ben’s Secret Dating Life After surreptitiously taking Desiree for a 15-minute car ride, Ben was caught once again lying to the other guys. He denied having any alone time with her — but when confronted by Mikey T. and Michael G., he defended himself by saying, "My dating life is not public." You know what, he’s got a point! These guys should be ashamed for even discussing a private matter that's only between Ben, Desiree, and millions of Americans. Have some respect, fellas. 2. Brandon Is All Out of Tears Poor Brandon. He just feels too much. Last night, the incident with Brian triggered some really painful memories of his mom’s active dating life. And naturally, this inspired him to tell Desiree that he is falling in love. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa! This is Bachelorette 101, Brandon. Do not tell her you’re falling in love until you’re on the fantasy suite date — or, at the very earliest, the hometown visit. You fool! This was the nail in his coffin. When she let him go, he was shocked. Oh God, the look on his face. You could tell in that moment he’d already named their children. And then, I believe we may have witnessed the most depressing exit interview in Bachelorette history: "Once again, someone left me. Once again. Way to go Brandon." And then... "I'm not going to cry..." "I'm just out of tears."  1. Oh Geez  The most hilarious scene from last night's episode began when Desiree's intense journaling was interrupted by a phone call from Chris Harrison. A phone call? Never a good sign. It turns out, one of the bachelors is... Oh God no... How can it be... HERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS!!! (Cue ominous organ music, shrieks of terror, the sound of a million candlescapes snuffed out.) Who is this louse? It's... drum roll...  Brian! Who? Dang. It's not one of the guys the show has been focusing on. Just some random v-neck in the crowd. But what terrible lie has Brian told? He has a girlfriend! And she is at the bachelor mansion! Oh it's on. Her name is Stephanie, and she is gonna let this guy have it. By this point, Desiree has pulled Brian aside to confront him, and when Stephanie appears, his reaction is hilarious. He simply says, "Oh geez." Now, let me preface this by saying, I do not condone bumping bellies with someone two days before coming on The Bachelorette. But did anyone detect a sliiiiight amount of crazy coming from Stephanie? Chris Harrison kept telling her to stop talking, but she wasn't having it. This was her day to shine. And let’s be honest, "Oh geez" is something you mutter when your crazy drunk aunt shows up at Christmas. Desiree, quite shaken from these events*, continued on her journey. In summary, there is much more drama to be had, and, interestingly, I think we saw soft-spoken Chris become a sneak-attack frontrunner this episode. I’m now rooting for him to make it to the end, but not be chosen, so I can possibly date him on the next season when he becomes The Bachelor. *By "shaken" I mean, "totally unfazed." Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: War of the Reasons'The Bachelorette' Recap: Bring on the Man Tears! Sara Schaefer On Her Love of 'The Bachelorette'   From Our Partners:Zoe Saldana Strips Down For Magazine (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': War of the Reasons (Season 9, Episode 2)
    By: Sara Schaefer Jun 04, 2013
    Emmy award-winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host of MTV's late show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.com all season long.  It's week two and it's time for our Bachelorette Desiree Hartsock to start completing her most important task: figuring out who is here for the right reasons... and who is here for the wrong reasons. Once she does that, she'll know who is here for the fame and who is here to find love on a nationally televised dating show. It won't be easy — when these men are alone with her, they will charm her with heart-wrenching 30-second stories about their rough childhood. But when Desiree is away, the men gather in small groups and the claws are comin' out! So to help Desiree make sense of it all, I have laid out some simple questions she should ask to help uncover those ever elusive Reasons. 1. Does he have a struggle? When he finally gets some alone time with you, does he launch into a succinct-yet-dramatic story about his drug-addicted mom, a terrible car accident, or a heartbreaking divorce? If so, this means he's highly skilled at being vulnerable and, therefore, probably here for the right reasons.  2. Has he ever interrupted someone who is telling you about his battle with diabetes?  On last night's episode, Ben, who had already received a rose, interrupted Desiree's alone time with Michael G. just as Michael began to reveal his battle with juvenile diabetes. UH WHAT??? That is a very low blow, Ben. You don't just casually break up a conversation about blood sugar levels. This, of course, did not sit well with any of the men, who had already begun circling Ben, accusing him of being here for the wrong reasons. Desiree may not be aware of the drama yet, but let's hope she took the interruption as a tiny red flag: Ben may be crawling with wrong reasons!  3. Is he impressed with your elaborate bridge date? Somehow, after an exhausting day of drawing her feelings, Desiree was able to set up a highly elaborate date on a random bridge. The lighting was purple, there were chandeliers hanging, and Andy Grammer was there performing with his band. Who is Andy Grammer? I'm not sure, but I am guessing Train wasn't available. All of this after illegally hanging out on the Hollywood sign? Amazing! Brooks, the lucky man to receive this display, took that as his sign to get vulnerable and sexy (vulnerasexy). Any man who can pull off a vulnerasexy combo move is probably here for the right reasons. 4. Can he rap about being here for the right reasons? This is probably the most important question you can ask a dozen men that you are simultaneously dating. Can. You. Guys. Rap? Desiree sets up a group date with Soulja Boy (because they are really old friends, of course), and they make a rap video about being on The Bachelorette. Each guy played the role of a former notoriously "wrong reasony" Bachelorette contestant. This isn't going to be awkward at all! The beats were sick. The chorus ("Right reasons! Right reasons! I'm here for you girl for all the right reasons!") is so tight that I am gonna go ahead and predict that this is going to be 2013's summer jam. Never before have I been so proud to be a white person. Well done, you guys. I'm sure Desiree came away from this group date with a lot more insight about these guys' intentions. In conclusion, Desiree, in the weeks to come, these guys' reasons for being here are going to surface. Some will be right, some will be wrong, but they'll all be crazy. Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 Follow Hollywood.com @Hollywood_com More: 'The Bachelorette' Recap: Bring on the Man Tears! Sara Schaefer On Her Love of 'The Bachelorette'  We Judge All The Dudes Desiree Hartsock Will Date From Our Partners:Zoe Saldana Strips Down For Magazine (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)
  • Sara Schaefer Blogs 'The Bachelorette': Bring on the Man Tears! (Season 9, Episode 1)
    By: Sara Schaefer May 28, 2013
      Emmy award-winning comedian Sara Schaefer, host of MTV's late show Nikki & Sara Live, will be blogging The Bachelorette for Hollywood.com all season long.  If you're like me, you've been watching The Bachelor/Bachelorette since the beginning. You can't tear yourself away season after season because, like they tell us in school, it only takes one time to become addicted to cocaine. In this scenario, of course, cocaine is the word "journey," and according to last night's premiere of The Bachelorette, this season is gonna be some gooooood s**t. Sean's fourth-place girlfriend Desiree Hartsock is going to be handing out roses this year and there are so many things to discuss I have decided to organize them in list form. (I wanted to do a PowerPoint but my editor tells me that won't work.) 10 Things I'm Looking Forward To On This Season of The Bachelorette 1. Man Tears According to the previews, in addition to some sexy, sexy fist fights, these guys are gonna cry some sweet, sweet man tears! And if they don't produce full-on tears, they will put their heads down and rub their eyes and forehead to show how emotional this is. The heart? It shall be wrenched.  2. Remembering Jonathan's Love Tank His time at the Bachelor mansion was short-lived, but Jonathan will stay vivid in my memories this season. This guy gets out of the limo and immediately asks Desiree to go to the fantasy suite. What fantasy suite? Aren't those usually located on a resort in the tropics? Anyway, she declines, but Jonathan won't be deterred. He repeatedly tries to get Desiree to go into this makeshift f**k room he's set up. And he keeps talking about how his "love tank has not been depleted for years" and that his mom thinks he's attractive. Hahahaha — that's normal! He doesn't want to wear Desiree's skin as a bathrobe, at all. Hahahahaha... Finally, Desiree makes him leave before even going to the rose ceremony — but that doesn't mean Jonathan will soon be forgotten. I'm sure we'll hear from him soon... when he gets arrested for "depleting his love tank" on an unsuspecting woman at the mall. 3. Hashtag Douchebag Kasey is a self-proclaimed "social media expert." But how can we be sure? Because he's constantly using the word "hashtag," naturally and organically during conversation! Examples from last night: "Hashtag I want a rose!" "Hashtag fantasy suite fail!" Cool catchphrase, bro. Hashtag not. Hashtag good luck with that. Hashtag pack your bags. Hashtag okay, now I'm doing it. Hashtag sorry. Hashtag let's move on.  4. Finding Out What a "Drilling Fluid Engineer" Does, Other Than Go Topless Zack, or as I like to call him, "the rich man's Situation," arrives topless to the mansion. He's got abs and Desiree is impressed when he strips down to his briefs and jumps in the pool. Meanwhile, I am just really curious as to what a "drilling fluid engineer" does. Sounds highly sexual. I mean complicated. What? Hi.  5. The Part When Desiree Realizes Ben Is a Weirdo for Using His Cute Son to Impress Her  Um, how AMAZING would it have been if right after that tiny kid got out of the limo, Chris Hansen stepped in and revealed that we were just watching a really elaborate episode of Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator"? No? OK. Well, regardless, even though Desiree seemed to love that Ben brought his son, I found it highly suspicious. I imagine Ben whispering into his son's ear before they got out, "Do NOT f**k this up for Daddy, you hear me?" And what was that explanation about the kid's mother — that they were just friends who had a baby? Hmmmm. That sounds like BS. And according to the preview, Ben seems to cause a lot of trouble in the house so let's just SEE. 6. Desiree's Emotional Journey  We know that Desiree is open to finding love. How do we know this? Because of a seven-outfit montage of her roller-skating, walking under a pier, sitting on the beach, and holding onto a railing while staring into the distance. We now know she's ready to share her life with someone. And it won't be easy. It will involve a lot of tears. And in the preview, we see that some MAJOR S**T is going to go down — there's one shot of her curled up in a ball crying, saying, "This is the worst possible scenario." Worst possible scenario? OMG JUAN PABLO GOT HER PREGNANT! Oh wait, no, oops, sorry — I forgot this is The Bachelorette, and the "worst possible scenario" usually involves one of the guys admitting he has a girlfriend back home or that he's only in it for the fame. THE TERROR!!! But according to all the french kissing they show, I am guessing she gets back on her feet in no time. I just can't wait for her brother to beat the piss out of whoever makes it to the end! 7. Finding Out Whose Girlfriend Shows Up Awwwwww yeah! A girlfriend from the outside world shows up this season!!! HELL YES. That's some primo Bachelorette drama right there. I'd like to thank the producers in advance for their crack team of investigators for uncovering this one. 8. The Triumphant Return of Diogo Diogo was ROBBED!!!! He showed up in a SUIT OF ARMOR for chrissake. Do you know how heavy that is? He put it all on the line for you, Desiree, and you just threw it all away. I really hope they find a way to bring Diogo back. If not, I'm thinking he's the next Bachelor??!!!? No? Oh well. Poor Diogo. We will remember you for the next few hours.   9. Finding Out Who Did That Bizarre Dance Can someone please tell me — who was the guy we saw doing that insanely weird dance (it looked like a combo of Elvis and an '80s new wave move)? I couldn't see his face and I must know his identity in order to continue on this season. And I need a GIF of that STAT. 10. The Candlescaping I have to say, whoever is doing this year's candlescaping on the show is doing a top notch job. Never before have I seen such beautiful arrangements of candles in and throughout the Bachelor compound. The mood has been set perfectly for the men to become vulnerable, open themselves to love, find out who is here for the right reasons, declare they're not here to make friends, borrow Desiree for a moment, and ultimately, fall in love and spend the rest of their lives with this woman. THE MOOD HAS BEEN SET! Tune into The Bachelorette every Monday night at 8/7c on ABC and check Hollywood.com on Tuesdays for Sara Schaefer's reactions to the madness.  Sara Schaefer is a critically acclaimed stand up comedian, writer, and producer based in New York City. She is the co-host of MTV’s late night show Nikki & Sara Live. She won two Emmy awards for her work as the Head Blogger for Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, and has written for BestWeekEver.tv and Who Wants to Be A Millionaire. Sara has appeared on Comedy Central, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon, Best Week Ever, FX, E!, Fuse, and AOL. She also has a popular podcast You Had To Be There with her MTV co-host Nikki Glaser. Follow Sara on Twitter @saraschaefer1 | Follow Hollywood.com on Twitter @Hollywood_com More: Sara Schaefer On Her Love of 'The Bachelorette'  We Judge All The Dudes Desiree Hartsock Will Date Desiree Hartsock Is Season 9'S 'Bachelorette'  From Our Partners:Zoe Saldana Strips Down For Magazine (Celebuzz)33 Child Stars: Where Are They Now? (Celebuzz)