Finally, we get an awesome new species of Fae. Crows, opera-singing bird Fae, and gargoyles don’t quite cut it. This week's episode of Lost Girl introduces the Succu-buddies to mermaids. However, they aren’t the singing sweeties of the sea. They’re still beautiful, but they are a lot more like Ursula the Sea Witch if she was a serial killer. The show also has a fresh take on mermaids. They can psychically control water, liquefy themselves in water, and they cry pearls.
The Case of the Missing Legs
Remember back in the day when Bo was a private detective? With Bo distracted with her new Rainer love, Kenzi decides to distract everyone with a case. Kenzi does her best Veronica Mars impression as she, Lauren, and Dyson help Diana, a Pixie whose legs were violently stolen. They go undercover at an office with Kenzi as an efficiency consultant! It’s hilarious to see Kenzi back undercover in a wildly inappropriate role. A sarcastic super thief in business drag is priceless. She’s also somehow in the course of an episode a shadow thief. It’s unclear what that is but apparently it means she can steal Lauren’s underwear without her knowing.
Kenzi and Dyson go undercover at Alaria Technologies and only interrogate one person, the CEO’s sassistant. His snarky attitude leads them to Darren the CEO who is a merman… with a room full of legs. But they are men’s legs. That doesn’t stop him from drowning Kenzi with the water in her body. He may be a bad-ass SuperMerMan but he is not the thief. He leads them to his sister a mermaid traveling through the building’s water supply.
Lauren and Dyson trap Dominique in the pool. She reveals she plans to kill her brother. Mermaids get magical legs for a year call The Walk which is their version of the Amish tradition of Rumspringa. That’s way better than trading your voice.
However, somehow, Darren has discovered a secret to keeping the legs. There’s another secret…Diana is not a pixie at all but their other sister. Dun Dun Dun!
As expected, given their evil nature, the mermaids turn on them. Luckily, Lauren discovers their weakness: tap water. Apparently, Elphaba-syndrome is an issue for mermaids and they all turn to foam.
Bo and Rainer’s Infinite Playlist
Bo’s storyline has more time jumps than a season of Lost and True Detective combined. Bo is covered in what looks like blood. She regrets something that she’s done. Did she kill the Morrigan? Trick? Did she eat an entire red velvet cake? She asks for her memories back and then Rainer gives her what she asked for. By that, we get to see a few scenes of their time together.
When Bo arrives, Rainer is disinterested. He tells her she can leave, even though traveling without an elemental would drive her insane. If Rainer was removed from existence in ancient times how does he know the song “The Wanderer”? Also, how is he even trapped on a train. Was it a covered wagon before? Why does he have a handmaiden if he’s in exile?
None of these questions are answered. Instead, we learn a lot of what we already know. Rainer is the Wanderer’s real name. He is a renowned warrior because his Fae ability is foresight. This means he’s a super strategist...that’s all. It seems like a missed opportunity. Why couldn’t he be an incubus? Then he and Bo would really be fated to be together. Bo inexplicably brings a butterfly back to life and suddenly they’re in love. Then presumably time jumps forward and Bo recounts all the steps she took to ensure she’d free Rainer, which we already know.
The evil deed they did in the beginning of the episode is kill the Una Mens. Given their unlimited power of multiple Fae abilities, they are outdone by Rainer telling Bo how to kill them. Also, why would Bo go kill the Una Mens with him if she didn’t even remember the details of their relationship? When it’s too late Trick begs Bo not to destroy the Una Mens. All their powers will go into the creepy magic seed Trick had hidden. But he’s lost the seed and it’s in the possession of a mysterious bloody hand. Is it Vex? Aife? Bo’s real father?
Succu-Best Lines of the Night
"I have lied awake at night my entire life thinking of the marvelous mer-day where I would meet a fin-flapping, seashell bra-wearing Daryl Hannah." –Kenzi "Climbing the corporate ladder is one thing but crawling though the corporate vent is a dead end." –Darren the Merman :You wanna be where the people are?" –Kenzi to the Merman "For a species with no a**holes, you sure act like ones." –Kenzi
Archer is the most amazing animated series on television. It blends the binge-drinking nostalgia of Mad Men with the jet-setting spy action of James Bond. Plus, it’s so funny you’ll pop a blood vessel. The casting on the animated series is pretty amazing already, with H. Jon Benjamin, Aisha Tyler, Judy Greer, and Chris Parnell lending their voices. But a big-budget, live-action movie version? That's an amazing dream. And we've got our picks for who would play the characters.
GALLERY: Fantasy Casting: Live Action Archer Movie
Goran Sivacki / WENN
It can be hard to take an actor seriously when he or she decides to switch gears and become a musician. Even the Real Housewives have opted to release songs available exclusively on iTunes. However, every so often, an actor or celebrity will shock you with their ability to hold a tune or at least produce a booty-shaking song.
This August: Osage County star has been acting since she was a child. However, in 2003 she formed the band Julliette & the Licks and proved that she also had music in her soul. The band captured '70s rock, '80s punk, and '90s alternative into a neat little package. The band broke up in 2009, but Lewis went on to released an additional solo album. Although her fame comes primarily from her roles in films like Natural Born Killers, Lewis has proven herself a part of rock music with multiple successful tours and albums.
Murphy was a gifted actress who we'll always remember for films like Clueless, 8 Mile, and Sin City, but she tried her had at a few forays into music as well. Murphy sang vocals on Paul Oakenfold’s “Faster Kill Pussycat,” which became an international dance hit. She also sang some songs on the Happy Feet, soundtrack including Queen’s “Somebody to Love” and Earth, Wind & Fire’s “Boogie Wonderland.” There’s no telling that had Murphy had the chance she would have released her own album and found success in the world of music.
McGowan is not the first person you’d think about when you think of music, though she did have a short engagement to Marilyn Manson. However, she has released a few songs. She provided vocals for the dance song “Superfabulous” by BT. She also sang in an episode of Charmed and a few songs for the Planet Terror soundtrack. Like her Bettie Page looks, her throaty soft voice is a throwback to days past.
Meester ruled television as teen fashion icon Blair Waldorf on Gossip Girl. However, she has the potential to rule the music charts too. Although she hasn’t released her own album she has produced some pretty amazing songs. She sang “Somebody to Love” with a pre-“Blurred Lines” Robin Thicke. She also sang on the Cobra Starship song “Good Girls Go Bad.” She also sang her own songs for the film Country Strong.
Before Osbourne became the fashion icon on Fashion Police and after her punky album Shut Up, Osbourne released Sleeping in the Nothing. It offered a more thoughtful, and on-trend electroclash style. She proved herself to be a viable musician with the song “One Word.”
Banks’ attempts at acting and television hosting may be questionable. However, in Season 2 of America’s Next Top Model she premiered a song that was so painfully catchy that it’s a wonder that she never released an album. Seriously... Tyra lasted painfully long but her music career lasted just one episode. As you can see, her singing voice is way better than her ability to ask serious questions.
Ali made a name for herself as the plucky daughter Ashley on Fresh Prince of Bel Air. She shattered her child star image with a run as a sexy R&B singer. Her album Kiss the Sky has proven that she’s a legitimate R&B songstress.
Sagal has had a ton of success on television with multiple successful series. Before her days as Peg Bundy, Sagal began her career as a singer and sang back-up for Bette Midler, Tanya Tucker, and Bob Dylan. She has also released two albums Well... and Room. She’s proven that not only does she have the golden touch with comedy, she has an amazing singing voice.
Leto has found a ton of notoriety with Dallas Buyers Club. He has proven himself an actor and a heartrhob, but he’s also the face of his well known band 30 Seconds to Mars. The multi-talented figure has a rocking voice that had led his band to notable success.
Bravo has definitely promised more than it is delivering from the Mexico trip. Everyone is expecting some sort of Kenya-pocalypse due to her unfinished business with Apollo Nida. Instead, the show has been pretty tame, limiting us to Apollo’s lingering glances at Kenya. But we need more!
This week, Kenya decides to take the ladies for a trip to “the caves.” What better way to show you care than to take a bunch of high maintenance women to some underground ocean caverns? Todd Tucker and Kandi Burruss share a whole mess of drama with the people in the car. He keeps floating the fact that he may in fact leave because things don’t work.
Once the gang arrives at its destination, the producers showing Apollo staring at Kenya as often as he can. He is legit staring at her. He has a crisis of conscience about getting in the water until Phaedra Parks joins him. However, it’s clear that he is all about getting a gold medal for running through Kenya. Phaedra might want to make sure her pre-nup is all set.
Kenya takes NeNe, Cynthia Bailey, and Kandi Burruss to go to a fertility doctor. Apparently, magic spells are the perfect way to ensure a pregnancy with the Nigerian Prince. He may not really exist so magic is the perfect bonus to identity theft via the Internet. The ladies bond as Kenya deals with all of her issues with wanting to be a mother and her past relationship with a guy with no interest in marrying her. Meanwhile, Phaedra and Porsha Stewart decide to have a dip in the pool and spill some tea all over Ms. Moore. Talking smack in the pool burns twice the calories.
Peter Thomas continues his campaign for shadiest girl on the show. It’s unclear why he’s getting into everyone’s business. However, it may all be to keep his wife on the show. He takes Todd and Apollo to have a cigar, and who should come by but Kenya and Miss Lawrence. Kenya flirts and orders shots for the guys. Then the inevitable confrontation between Kenya and Apollo happens. Apollo stands by the fact that he and Kenya almost bumped uglies. Meanwhile, Kenya does not enjoy her name being dragged through the mud by Apollo. It’s unclear who is in the wrong. Clearly, she’s flirting with him and clearly he’s interested. Regardless, these two seem a few minutes from sealing the deal.
Phaedra makes an appearance and BOOM! drama prepares to commence. It doesn’t happen…sadly. Instead, Phaedra walks over and as cagey as Apollo acts she seems content with his response. Kenya and Apollo have a lot of chemistry but if Phaedra has anything to do with it that solution with be very, very volatile. We will have to wait a weak to figure out what happens. However, it seems clear that Apollo and Kenya are a match made in the motel on a Sunday afternoon.
It looks like this trip is going to end with drama. Clearly, NeNe feels above the law, Phaedra has beef with Kenya, and Peter is dying for more attention on the show. After all, he doesn’t want to have to change the name of Industry into For Lease.
Shaddiest Lines of the Night
"Even though I’m traveling far from home. I still have to watch my figure and watch what I eat. I don’t want to leave here looking like Phaedra." – Kenya
"If you were to take the Porsha gift certificate to redeem it, it would be good for one coloring book." – Kenya
"Bats don’t bother me at all, honey. As a matter of fact, we have a few bats and monkeys in our party already." – Phaedra
"Kenya says she found the fountain of youth. Well, she should have drank the whole damned pond." – NeNe
"I’m so glad I let my guard down and tied my weave down and got in this water." – Porsha
"I guess a witch would love a witch." – Phaedra
"I just know Marlo might show up in someone’s luggage carrier. You know Marlo." – Phaedra
"Jump off a bridge with weights on your neck, honey." – Phaedra
"No one’s buying it, Apollo. Like your DVD." – Kenya
Casting is one of the most important and mysterious parts of filmmaking. Not only are actors selected based on their chemistry, skill, and buzz, there is also a whole mess of behind-the-scenes coordination. Actors have missed out on major career-defining roles for all sorts of reasons. Iconic roles like Indiana Jones, Wolverine, and Marty McFly all had different original actors. Careers, film history, and even a major celebrity marriage have all been forever altered by casting changes. Some actors have missed out on A-list careers. Here are a few of the most shocking movie casting changes.
GALLERY: Shocking Movie Roles That Were Recast
The war for LGBTQ equality still rages on in America... mostly in Arizona. But luckily, television is making that struggle a little easier. More balanced and accurate portrayals of people under the rainbow flag are starting to crop up. This helps the community both on and off-screen. Openly gay actors like Zachary Quinto, Neil Patrick Harris, and Ellen Page can play straight. And straight actors like Cameron Monaghan, Andre Braugher, and Sara Ramirez can play for the other team. And LGBT actors like Laverne Cox and Jonathan Groff can play characters a little closer to themselves.
Television is making some pretty major political moves by exploring more than just character whose sexual identities are more complex than the labels of gay and lesbian. Cox has used her role on Orange Is the New Black to spread awareness of transphobia and other issues affecting the transgender community. There also is a movement towards exploring queer sexuality. Distinctly different from bisexuality, queer people don’t define their romantic partners by gender, instead embracing a fluid sexuality. There are even roles of LGBTQ young adults and children that allow these parties to be themselves, perhaps paving the way for boys who paint their nails and wear makeup to be free from bullying and discrimination.
Here are a few of our favorite, and arguably some of the most influential, LGBTQ characters on television. They show there is a wide spectrum of sexual preferences and gender identities but ultimately we are all people.
GALLERY: Our Favorite LGBTQ Characters on Television
On paper, Broad City and Girls are virtually the same. Both series are about educated, under-employed, hipster-adjacent single women in New York City. Both comedies take a drastically different approach to sex and relationships than Sex and the City. And yet, the shows couldn’t be more different. Broad City, by virtue of being on Comedy Central, is obviously opting for the LOLs. It’s also doing for New York what Portlandia does for the Pacific Northwest. Girls is written and directed by and stars Lena Dunham so it’s an invitation into her mind and sense of humor, and underneath her clothes. It has funny moments but seems to target a specific niche audience.
Both programs have some iconic comedy minds on board. Broad City was created by and stars Upright Citizen’s Brigade alums Illana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, and is produced by Amy Poehler, while Girls is produced by Judd Apatow. The main difference is that the former has the virtue of a broader sense of humor. Get it? Broad City ensures that everyone is in on the joke. It opts for absurdly wacky takes on real life scenarios. For example, the girls want to make money for a concert so they try everything from street peddling and office supply theft to naked maid service. The jokes go so far that at some point you will hop on board. Girls is very subtle in its humor. Outrageous things will happen, and you’ll laugh here and there. But then a huge conversation will erupt about these moments and you start to question if you were supposed to laugh in the first place.
Winner: Broad City
Both series take a frank view of sex. It’s great to see women at the helm of representations of female sexuality. It shows that despite the questionable feminism of Sex and the City , something good came of it. On Broad City, both girls frankly discuss their sex lives... occasionally during the act, via skype. The show doesn’t shy away from being graphic. And yet, Girls goes 10 steps further. Sure, Girls is on HBO and free to exhibit nudity and strong sexual content. But it really goes there. Whether it’s precariously pedophilic pillow talk, the girl from Roswell getting caught in the line of fire, or Dunham baring her breasts in every episode, the show opts for a hyper-real approach to sex. It explores the taboo, awkward, or painfully uncomfortable moments of America’s favorite pastime. Whether wanted or not, Girls is forcing people to confront their discomfort with and timidity about sex by facing it head on.
Girls seems like a photo-real version of the New York City in Friends. It may not be filmed on a Hollywood sound stage, but the vast majority of its characters are white and of superhuman attractiveness. Despite Dunham’s celebration of her nude body and a shocking full frontal by Bosom Buddies star Peter Scolari, the series tends to prominently feature hot-bodied model types. It exists in a parallel universe where the unemployed and baristas can afford large New York City apartments. In Season 2, the show’s solution for its lack of diversity was to have Hannah date Donald Glover for a few episodes. Remember, that very special Friends episode where Ross dated Aisha Tyler? We haven't come too far.
On Broad City, people look like people. People of all different shapes, sizes, and races pop in and out of the show. That’s what New York is. The question of race on the show is handled honestly. Illana has a friend with benefits played by black comedian Hannibal Buress. Although not politically correct, the show does acknowledge that Illana fetishizes him and most men by their race. It does not endorse these ideals, but serves to showcase the character as racially insensitive and a sexual predator.
Ultimately, it seems there’s a class distinction for both series. Broad City embraces the fact that the girls are broke and have to suffer to survive in New York. The humor, tension, and wild scenarios come when they try to make light of that struggle. Girls exaggerates the struggles of entitled young artists and professionals who seem to have no financial stakes. They seem oddly connected though; serendipitous book deals and financial opportunities happen as if by magic.
Winner: Broad City – there’s still a recession!
Which series do you prefer?
Lionsgate via Everett Collection
Performing is performing. ‘Nuff said. But there are different skills for singing and acting. You wouldn’t want a dance track by Patrick Stewart featuring Ian McKellan (okay, bad example, that sounds awesome). You also wouldn’t watch The English Patient with Justin Bieber. Or Apollo 13 with the boys from 98 Degrees. Or Crossroads with Britney Spears. But music artists like Mark Wahlberg, Queen Latifah, and Mandy Moore have all found great success by answering the call of the silver screen. Acting and singing are two different skills but some singers have managed to give some really amazing performances. Here are a few of our favorites.
Alecia Moore (Pink) in Thanks for Sharing
This heartfelt dramedy about sex addicts slipped under the radar. However, Pink’s performance shows that she’s more than just a singer... and acrobat. Her choice to use her real name to distinguish her acting from her music shows she’s serious. She plays a no-nonsense girl, which is pretty true to form, but she captures the humanity of the burden of sex addiction.
Mariah Carey in Precious
It’s hard to imagine the insanely high maintenance Carey without makeup. However, for her role in Precious, Carey abandoned her diva image in favor of playing a stern social worker. Carey’s acting abilities have incorrectly tied to the ill-fated flop Glitter. However, Carey is able to embody roles that are way more folksy and real than her media persona. Carey also deserves an honorable mention for her role in the film WiseGirls. The film is forgettable but her performance as a smart-mouthed waitress is impressive.
Cyndi Lauper in Vibes
Lauper rarely gets her due as an actress. She is an amazing performer and is only an Oscar away from EGOT-ing. Her thick New York accent puts her in that Joe Pesci category of actors who must play New Yorkers or Italian Americans. All the same, in the 1980s Lauper had top billing in a comedy about psychics starring Jeff Goldblum. The film did not do well box office wise but Lauper proves herself to be both compelling and funny.
Whitney Houston in Waiting to Exhale
It’s sad that Houston’s amazing talent is often eclipsed by her personal issues. Not only was she an amazing singer, she was a very gifted actress. Her role in this drama, based on the popular Terry McMillan novel, showcased not only her solid acting chops but also her ability to draw an audience. She was able to hold her own against the likes of Angela Bassett and Loretta Devine.
Diana Ross in Mahogany
Ross is an icon. Her songs are timeless. Her performance in this film is legendary. She plays a young girl who gets transformed into a supermodel with tons of booze and poor choices along the way. Plus, her love interests are Norman Bates and Lando Calrissian. Pop reference overload.
David Bowie in Labyrinth
Bowie’s performance in this bizarre children’s movie shaped a generation. They were either scared by goblins, engrossed in the music, or titillated by Bowie’s royal jewels visible in his tights. Bowie does deserve some credit for the acting challenge of performing exclusively with Muppets. Jennifer Connelly is one quarter Muppet, right?
Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls
Hudson earned an Oscar for her role in the film version of this popular musical. She has the pipes to sing the popular song “I Am Telling You.” She also has the ability to shine as the breakout star of this blockbuster. She is scrappy yet vulnerable, and proved to be the surprising highlight of this star-studded film.
Janet Jackson and Tupac Shakur in Poetic Justice
Both Jackson and Shakur acting experience before Poetic Justice. Jackson did a lot of television shows like Fame and Diff’rent Strokes, which was an extension her squeaky clean pop star image. Shakur also kept his gangsta rap image for his role in Juice. Both actors stepped out of their comfort zones in this 1990s classic. Jackson opted for a harder exterior and a rougher neck. Shakur showed his softer side. Check out this clip that has enough F-bombs to rival Wolf of Wall Street.
At the 2013 Screen Actors Guild Awards, Rita Moreno added The Lifetime Achievement Award to her heavily populated display. That same night, Sofia Vergara also won an award as part of the Modern Family ensemble. In the 50 years since Moreno’s iconic role in West Side Story, things haven’t changed much for Latinos in Hollywood. Women have swapped bare feet and cascading skirts for high heels and mini skirts. Men have gone from playing fieldhands and gang members to... also playing dishwashers. White actors still act in brownface portraying Latinos as loud and ignorant. When are things going to change?
Latinos are 17 percent of the U.S. population and the largest minority group. Spanish is the second most spoken language in the world. And yet, Latinos are not widely represented in American media. The Spanish speaking populace has somehow become synonymous with ignorance on TV. When Latinos are represented they are often portrayed as violent, quick-tempered, and hypersexual. Case in point: Vergara’s character in Modern Family is prone to outbursts and is often half-naked, and the lion’s share of her jokes is about her trouble with English.
Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek Are Different People!
Latinos come from countries in The Caribbean, Central America, and South America. These different countries are united by the Spanish language. This would be like considering people from Hong Kong, India, Australia, and the Bahamas one race because they all speak English and drink tea. The diversity of Latinos seems to perplex Hollywood. Penelope Cruz was listed as Salma Hayek on the Academy Awards Instagram page. Cruz is a 5'6" European woman and Hayek is a 5'3" Mexican. They may speak the same language but Cruz’s career is more similar to Monica Bellucci. Both actors had thriving film careers in Europe and were seamlessly incorporated into American casting. Hayek had to claw her way from playing prostitutes and stereotypical bit parts in Hollywood to getting a big break.
Latin spending power is diluted between the Spanish-speaking and English-speaking markets. There are Spanish language networks that cater to recent immigrants and abuelas everywhere. They broadcast novellas, Spanish soap operas, and original programming. It can be challenging to try and unite Spanish-speaking and English-speaking audiences. Mainstream crossovers can be challenging because Latino celebrities are not widely known in America. Chasing Papi was an English-language Latino comedy featuring a young Vergara, and a who’s who of Latino celebrities. However, it was unable to resonate with American audiences.
In West Side Story, white and Latino actors were literally painted brown to distinguish them as the Puerto Ricans. Despite being Puerto Rican, Moreno had to wear dark make-up to play her own race. Many non-Latin actors have played Latino roles, with varying degrees of success: Hank Azaria, Johnny Depp, and Anjelica Houston have all played Latinos. There have even been white actors in historical representations of Latino history. Ethan Hawke played a Uraguayan in Alive and Ben Affleck’s character in Argo was based on half-Mexican CIA agent Tony Mendez.
As recently as Lena Dunham’s episode of SNL, non-Latino actress Cecily Strong plays a Venezuelan whose humor and conflict derive from the fact that she can’t speak English. With no Latino performers on SNL, characters like this seem insensitive. Plus, there's that accent — Strong's costar Kate McKinnon has played Latin characters and can at least do a convincing accent.
Key to Success: Play Another Race?
Moreno played Tuptim in The King and I. Almost 60 years later, successful Latino actors find more success playing outside their race. Dominican/Puerto Rican actress Zoe Saldana has found more commercial success playing characters identified as black and non-Latino. Alexis Bledel, Frankie Muniz, and Aubrey Plaza are all assumed to be Caucasian and often cast with Caucasian parents and relatives. Even Martin and Charlie Sheen found it necessary to change their name from Estevez.
Banished to Basic Cable
It seems like the most diversity exists on basic cable. It’s hard to believe that Wizards of Waverly Place is more representative of a modern family than the eponymous sitcom. It features a bi-racial Latino/American family. Everyone can speak English and the children still have a sense of culture. ABC Family shows like The Fosters and Switched at Birth include multiple series regulars that are Latino. The shining beacon on television is Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It has two Latin actresses Stephanie Beatriz and Melissa Fumero offering atypical and actually inspirational portrayals of Latinos. This is progress considering Beatriz played Vergara’s ignorant Colombian cousin in an episode of Modern Family. Check out how Beatriz describes her strong and accent-less role as success for Latinos.
Beyond just sharing a city with Seinfeld, The Real Housewives of New York also shares a theme: it, too, is a show about nothing. There is a lot of sitting in restaurants, talking, and tons of rhetorical questions. What’s the deal with Ramona Singer? If this was any other franchise, Ramona aka Eye-Lander would be laughing maniacally on mountain of empty Pinot Grigio bottles. After all, she is the only one. The last surviving original New York Housewife.
The episode starts off so bland it makes rice cakes jealous. Heather Thomson stops by Carole Radziwill’s photo shoot. The original singer for Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem needs an author photo for the book she plugged last season. Heather is serving as her stylist. She also wants to assert her place as the most annoying backseat photographer in history. She annoys the poor photographer so much the woman literally tries to push Heather away. Holla!
Heather is having a birthday party and guess who’s invited? If you guessed the entire secretarial pool from Sean Jean’s 1998 sales team, you’d be right... and bored. Heather has dusted off her Rolodex to remind everyone she worked for P. Diddy. But everyone at the party is so dated and uncool they still call him Puffy. Her party is the first time all the ladies will be in the same room since the reunion.
Sonja Morgan shows up with her new boyfriend, Ben Benalloul. By new we mean 23 years young. Not only is she dating this Pretty Little Liars extra. Mrs. J.P. Morgan is also spending the hours of 2:00 to 2:45 AM with Aviva Drescher’s ex-husband Harry. Ben stumbles right into Kristen Taekman the new housewife. She gets her montage in the sun. She’s a wacky model, an absentee mother, and a trophy wife!
Back at the party, Aviva arrives in a flurry of black smoke. Ramona confesses she couldn’t see it but she felt “black smoke” all of a sudden. If you couldn’t see it... why does it have to be black? Apparently, when Countess LuAnn de Lesseps left the show a part of her soul went into Aviva. It was the horcrux LuAnn never intended to make. That must be why the entire group declared a fatwa on Aviva.
As expected, the Aviva apology tour goes horribly. She says she’s writing a book and asks Carole for help, which evolves into a passive aggressive assumption she’ll do the editing. She apologizes to Sonja and makes peace but Sonja is too drunk she thinks she’s Fran Drescher. Then she punches Ramona in the throat... okay, she doesn’t really, but you can tell that she thought about it. She apologizes to Ramona and references her age as a reason she should forgive Aviva.
The show takes a brief trip to Sonja’s House of Mysteries. How is this house being paid for? How can someone staff their entire house with unpaid interns working for college credit? Who keeps a dog under a red sheet on their mantle? Who is the battiest woman to ever be on Bravo? Sonja has her minions make tea for the girls. The afternoon quickly devolves into dissecting Sonja’s bad hostess skills and the question of how Ramona should handle Aviva. There is nice color commentary by Sonja’s spiritual guide, Ally Sheedy’s twin sister. Hardly Lucid. Apparently, Sonja has embraced a spiritual path since she has no other marketable skills.
Ramona decides to have drinks with Aviva. She tries to dress away the extra years in an outfit she picked up at Forever 21. The two bond over Ramona’s favorite activity: binge drinking. Apparently, "turtle time" is ancient Sanskrit for "alcoholism." The expression goes back to old cave paintings when early man actually drank out of turtles.
It looks like the season is going to be filled with tons of drama, batty ladies yelling, and Aviva flips her leg!
Cracks 5th Avenue: Best Lines of the Night
"When I see Ramona losing it, I’m like, she gets too Ramotional." – Sonja’s witty rambling
"For me, age is just a number. I went from 80 to 20 in six seconds. My ex is in his 80s and Ben’s in his 20s. People are ageless to me." – Sonja doesn't grasp irony
"Sonja has as many men as she has interns. And some of them are the same age." – Heather
"I think I need to write a book called I Love My Kids But This F**king Sucks." – Model parent Kristen
"What can I say, Big Ben. He’s the Big to my Bang." – Unused dialogue from Sonja’s toaster oven porno
"I mean, not only is she tall and pretty, but she’s weird. That’s like the hat trick of fun for me." – Carole about Kristen
"When you’re early I’ll start back up on the b***jobs." – Kristen’s feminist mission statement
"Aviva is a charmer. She’s suckin’ up my ass big time." – Ramona mixing metaphors
"The shot wasn’t bad. I’ve swallowed much worse." – Oh Aviva...