Rebecca Black, the youngster responsible for possibly the worst song ever, has released a sequel to her garbage. "Friday," which was auto-tuned as hell and features lyrics that seemed as if a fifth grader wrote them down during recess, has a successor.
The title? "Saturday."
At least we know Black, 16, can recite the days of the week. In fact, Days of the Week should be her album title. Listening to "Friday" and "Saturday" is a chore. If you make it through, you should be nominated for sainthood. Walking barefoot on broken glass or listening to sharp fingernails scratch a chalkboard are better alternatives.
In honor of Black’s horrific music, we present topics for the rest of the days of the week. Perhaps her lyrics will step up to seventh-grade level.
It's Sunday, whoops, forgot to do my homework.
Aren't weekends fun?
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Wonder if that cute boy from P.E. class is watching Monday Night Football?
Time to take some Snapchat pics.
Partyin', partyin', yeah, yeah
I like fries.
I got SWAG.
Fun, fun, fun, fun
OMG, Justin Bieber has his shirt off!
I need some Beats By Dre headphones.
Partyin', partyin', yeah, yeah
I got gas from a cafeteria burrito.
Time to put on more lip gloss, cray, cray!
Lookin' forward to the weekend.
Who knows what other brilliant topics Black will unleash to the listening public? Aren't you on the edge of your seat?
But you must wait patiently, "Sunday" is a long time away. "Saturday" took two years, maybe Black will be in college when Sunday hits the charts.
First of all, Vinny the dog has replaced Brian in the opening credits. Weak.
A buzzing bee startles Quagmire and Peter causing them to shriek like a couple of scared girls. They notice that their shrieks sound kind of good, like maybe they could be singers. It actually sounds like one half of a barbershop quartet, but Family Guy couldn't do an episode like that, then they'd be blatantly ripping off a Simpsons episode.
Vinny is in his second episode. He's no Brian. Get rid of him, Family Guy.
Quagmire and Peter buy paper at Mort's store, prompting the tightwad owner to explain how he had experience managing Earth, Wind, Fire & Pollen back in the day. The duo decides to take Mort on as their manager.
Griffin & Quagmire's first performance is at a library. Their first song is about not being able to poop in public. After their performance, Mort books Griffin & Quagmire at the New England music festival. This time, their song is about putting butter on a Pop-Tart.
After the performance, a shady guy in a leather jacket promises he will pump up the careers of Griffin & Quagmire.
Peter abandons his family hoping to find great success on a road trip. He slowly develops a diva attitude, belittling Quagmire and worse, farting in a recording booth.
Meanwhile, the song lyrics continue to get more random. One talks about how a "waitress is prettier than my wife" and after that he will "kill his family with a knife." Another subject points out that you should never look at your mom and dad's private parts. Good advice.
During a live performance on Conan, Peter's guitar pick gets stuck. Of course, he screws around trying to find it rather than continuing the performance. This foolishness pisses off Quagmire, forcing a fallout between the duo. At the end of the episode, Peter goes back home and he even makes amends with Quagmire. Peter mentions that life after fame is always better. He goes back in the tour bus to grab his stuff. Instead, he apparently shoots himself in the face. We know Peter will be back in future episodes, hopefully the same can be said about Brian.
When Grey's Anatomy premiered, the steamy relationship between then-intern Dr. Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo) and superstud surgeon Dr. Derek Shepherd (Patrick Dempsey) hooked the audience. It was wrong and hot and captivating. Since then, interns have been fodder for the elder docs, some resulting in relationships while others became regretful one-night stands.
The new batch of interns (now they're residents) has gotten plenty busy. Except for one. The timid Dr. Shane Ross (Gaius Charles) has missed out on the all the sexy fun that happens in the on-call room.
His time could come soon. Dr. Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh) wields the power in this potential horizontal dance. She's on the prowl now that her marriage to Dr. Owen Hunt is finished. Ross confessed his interest earlier this season, but the dude is too shy. It was a half-hearted pass.
Yang took the first step by planting a big kiss on Ross after the resident defended her in an argument with Grey. A kiss is just a kiss. Will Ross step up and continue the Grey's Anatomy tradition?
So far, the other youngsters have gotten theirs. Dr. Jo Wilson is with Dr. Alex Karev. Dr. Stephanie Edwards and Dr. Jackson Avery are an item. Hell, Dr. Leah Murphy got with two doctors: Karev and Arizona Robbins.
Ross needs to get into the game. It won't happen till Yang continues the pursuit. Watching Ross kick game is like witnessing an inexperienced seventh grader talk up a high schooler. But Yang is in need.
The hookup could happen in the next episode. Or maybe not at all. We need to pull for Ross — every doctor needs some lovin'.
Stan, the bullheaded and ridiculously large-chinned patriarch of the Smith family, decides to team up with Roger the alien and Hideki, an eccentric party host who always "trusts his gut." Hideki's gut literally rumbles when something feels right. Later on, Stan and Roger’s guts rumble when they come up with the idea of a cake-cutting device that will slice individual pieces in an instant. They should get that gut rumbling checked, that's not normal.
After that opening, the entire episode revolves around the death of Snot's father. Yes, the whole gut thing is tossed aside in favor of Steve's idea to go on a road trip to Snot's dad’s funeral. Nerdy Steve convinces Snot, Barry and Toshi.
At this point, the episode "changes" into an indie movie. The screen gets dim and grainy. Those little lines and dots you see on old films occasionally flash on the screen. It's a minimal effect, but a clever one. Their road trip starts off the group picking up a hitchhiker (he's a meth addict and takes off when they pull over). Snot is totally indifferent about this trip, since he never cared for his negligent dad. Toshi travels to a corn field, stripping off his shirt and glasses, wrapping a leaf in a bandanna style around his head. It doesn't make sense because it’s indie, remember?
Stan, Barry and Snot stop at a motel to rest up. A cool, blue haired-girl catches the attention of Steve at the motel. Blue Hair (voiced by Zooey Deschanel) is a quirky girl — we're indie now, remember? She shoots Polaroid photos at random locations, blows bubbles out of a smoking pipe and says she wears ice skates to weddings. Steve decides to spend time in a hot tub rather than continue to the funeral.
The episode ends when Steve realizes his error, hitchhiking on an 18-wheel truck to meet up with Snot and Barry at the funeral. Steve makes it, but doesn't get off. He tells the truck driver to keep going. The episode ends. No sense. Indie. During the credits, Stan, Roger and Hideki celebrate their idea with a giant cake. Their guts rumble and the three of them pull two guns each, pointed right at their business partners. "What now?" Stan asks. The screen goes black. A gunshot's heard. Roger says that Hideki was shot.
Darren Michaels/Warner Bros.
2 Broke Girls has its zany moments, but the show is still grounded in reality. The characters must abide by the laws of gravity (in cheesy, yet attractive waitress outfits), they need food and shelter and they need money to get said food and shelter. Lately, however, they seem to be ignoring the fact that there are 24 hours in a day.
Max (Kat Dennings) and Caroline (Beth Behrs) have an impossible schedule to keep. They used to have their jobs at the diner, sleep and misadventures. Then they started their cupcake business.
At this point, their schedule still seemed plausible — kind of. Now, Max has signed up for pastry school. Because the school costs so much ($24,000), Caroline has alleviated the cost by doing office work at the school.
Let’s break down their schedule.
Work: This is a must for the lovely duo. They share a one-bedroom apartment in New York. Even if it's a dump, rent will still be high. Cutting back on hours isn't possible. Seven hours here at least.
School: Here's another one that can't be half-assed. At $24,000, Max must give it her all. Class should be two to three hours per day, maybe more.
Sleep: Being conservative, they'll need at least six hours.
Max's Homemade Cupcakes: Is their business just shutting down? Baking anything, especially from scratch, takes a tremendous amount of time. Bakers are in the kitchen hours before opening up. Max and Caroline need to make that cupcake money to pay for rent and oh, yeah, that $24,000 tuition. The hours put in here are numerous, sometimes more than a simple eight-hour shift.
Transportation/getting ready/rest: It takes time to get from point A to point B. This isn't 24 (although like on 24, we wonder when these girls have time to go to the bathroom). The girls always look beautiful, so they need some time to shower and put on their makeup. And sometimes, you need to sit down and do nothing.
There aren't enough hours in the day to accomplish all of this. Good luck, Max and Caroline.
Sci-fi movies, TV and books usually resemble previous futuristic works, because we already recognize the common elements. Robots, neon lights, high-tech gadgets, sterile environments: these are just some of the traits that make the sci-fi genre. Almost Human has displayed all of those traits, but some stand out more than others.
Almost Human borrows from some of the best sci-fi films to form an enjoyable, cohesive TV series that is just getting started.
Rick Deckard (Harrison Ford) must retire replicants, which are basically robots who look like and behave like humans. In Almost Human, Michael Ealy plays Dorian, a unique android brought out of retirement to work with Karl Urban's Det. John Kennex. Dorian isn't like the standard robots in Almost Human. He has emotions similar to a human and can think unlike the typical cyborg. Dorian would be the type of specimen Deckard would hunt in Blade Runner. Also, the dark slums littered with neon signs everywhere in the first episode of Almost Human resemble an environment in Blade Runner.
Although Det. Kennex isn't a souped-up man-machine, the beginning of Almost Human basically copies the beginning of Robocop. Kennex is ambushed by bad guys just like Alex Murphy (Peter Weller). Kennex is out of it for a while and then teams up Dorian. Together, they form an interesting duo the same way Robocop and Anne Lewis do. Lewis is kind of useless, no? Then again, Robocop is slow as hell, so someone has to do the ground work. Neither Dorian nor Kennex possess mega powers, but their combination forms a much more potent force than any other cops on Almost Human.
It wouldn't be a sci-fi universe without some robotic add-on to a human. In this case, Kennex has a prosthetic leg, to replace the one he lost when a grenade literally blows it off in the first scene of the series. In I, Robot, Will Smith plays Del Spooner, a Chicago cop who has a fake arm. The fake arm has its advantages. It easily punches opposing robots in the face. And it saves the day when Spooner slides down a gigantic computer core by sticking his arm into the core itself; a human arm could do no such thing. Will Kennex's leg save him? Spooner, much like Kennex, seems to be the only one doing some gritty police work. Yes, they are the main characters, however, out in the field, it would be nice to have some backup. Kennex has Dorian, Spooner was usually on his own.
It's difficult to cram so many characters into Boardwalk Empire's episodes. The show features a large ensemble cast, so many times characters are absent for entire episodes.
Here are five important characters that either left us wanting more or were completely ignored. Warning: spoilers are definitely ahead.
This half-masked man (Jack Huston) was hit or miss this season. At the end of season three, Richard went on a tear, dispatching numerous henchmen to rescue youngster Tommy Darmody. Where was he in season four? Wasting time on a farm. Getting married to a random woman. To be fair, Richard once again played a major role in the season finale. This almost made up for his absence. Except for the fact that he’s now dead and we won't get to see the war veteran in future episodes.
Nelson Van Alden
The one-time government agent is now firmly entrenched in Al Capone's gang. Nelson (Michael Shannon) is a curious character; Al likes him for his muscle, yet Nelson cowers in his presence. Shannon's lack of screentime might be attributed to him filming Man of Steel. Regardless, Nelson's face when upset is straight-up crazed. When will the government catch up to him?
It's like she took the season off. Margaret (Kelly Macdonald) is Nucky Thompson's estranged wife and her only effort in season four was meeting with Nucky once and providing inside information to Arnold Rothstein about a stock price. She was a major character, so it's odd that she was tossed aside.
Everybody's heard of Al Capone (Stephen Graham) so why not utilize him more? His crime schemes have only grown larger and now that he has Nelson and presumably, Eli Thompson on board, the Chicago boss should be stealing scenes from Nucky's New Jersey. Graham always gives outstanding performances, somehow he needs to be more connected to the grand scheme of Boardwalk Empire.
Where were the mega deals? The blood lust? Bailing out Nucky or trying to swallow up entire operations? Sure, Rothstein (Michael Stuhlbarg) was around in season four, but he didn't have a large enough impact at all. He simply made token appearances here and there, nothing to affect the wheelings and dealings of Nucky.
Once again, Brian and Stewie get involved in an adventure thanks to Stewie's time machine. This time, Native Americans are the dominant race in America thanks to Family Guy's baby and dog providing guns to them during the colonization of 17th-century Jamestown, VA.
To correct the alteration of history, Stewie and Brian go back in time to confiscate the guns. After fixing their mess, Stewie realizes his time machine causes nothing but trouble. He destroys it (along with numerous future Family Guy episodes and plot twists) by crushing the machine at the local junkyard.
Brian points out that there is great stuff at the junkyard. Stewie shoots that idea down right away. “I don't know, it’s mostly twin matresses,” Stewie says. “If you have a twin mattress aren't you pretty much a failure as a human being?” Steiwe has a point there. As a kid, sleeping in a twin is fine. If you're an adult, invest in something, man.
The duo take home a hockey net. They set up to play hockey in the street. Stewie, always the subject of ambiguous sexuality, must get his knee pads from upstairs because “he was doing this other thing.” Before we get a chance to appreciate the joke, Brian’s demise happens in an instant. That's right, the family’s dog falls victim to a speeding car. Brian gets viciously run over — it's kind of graphic.
Brian dies in a very sad, heart-wrenching scene in which all the family members cry. Characters have died before in the past, so surely Brian will be back at the end of the episode, right?
The family returns home in a somber mood. “Guys, I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs,” Peter say. “I gotta do like a sad yank.” Brian’s funeral doesn't lighten the mood. Is this major character really dead? Stewie wants to build another time machine to alter history, but the parts aren't available. This really could be the end of Brian.
Lois comes to terms with the fact that to get over Brian, they must get a dog. Vinny, a gangster dog straight out of Goodfellas, gets chosen as the new pet. Everyone accepts Vinny, except Stewie; he has had too many good times with Brian. Vinny and Stewie come to realize that they both have had to get over tragedies. They hug it out. The episode ends strangely with no Brian comeback. No heroic Stewie-goes-back-in-time rescue. No unusual explanation for Brian coming back from the dead. Brian really does appear to be dead. Huh. Didn't see that one coming.
Boardwalk Empire's newest villain is a cunning, calculating and manipulative character in the world of organized crime. Dr. Valentin Narcisse (Jeffrey Wright) showed up toward the beginning of season four when one of his men never returned from a trip to the boardwalk. Since then, the good doctor has been trouble.
He has muscled heroin into the Boardwalk Empire world, stomping on Chalky White's territory, which ultimately infringes on Nucky Thompson's territory. These crime bosses are like kings, so anytime they lose part of their kingdom, it’s war time. Turf disputes, murder and the affection of the beautiful Daughter Maitland (Margot Bingham) are at stake in the season finale. Narcisse is no slouch. He may appear like some intellectual incapable of hurting others, but he has an army of muscle that scared Chalky (Michael Kenneth Williams) and Daughter into hiding out in the penultimate episode.
Will Narcisse meet his end? That is hard to say. In past seasons, those who crossed Nucky (Steve Buscemi) were killed. Bobby Cannavale played Gyp Rosetti in season three, threatening the life and livelihood of Nucky. The season three finale ended with Gyp’s murder. If you cross Nucky, you meet your maker. Narcisse, however, has not crossed Nucky directly. Their beef is a result of Nucky's friendship and business partnership with Chalky.
There is a chance Dr. Narcisse could make it out of this season alive. A lot can happen in the finale. Chalky doesn't seem to have the manpower to win a war with Narcisse. Why else would Chalky be hiding? The second Narcisse threatens Nucky, the whole game changes. If and when that happens, Dr. Narcisse's days are numbered.
When the newest season of Homeland began, it was a known fact that Nicholas Brody was a wanted man. The war hero turned suspected terrorist had been pinned as the trigger man for the CIA bombing in Langley, VA. Brody became a man on the run.
How would the writing team on Homeland keep its main character involved on the show? The answer: they haven't. So far, Brody has been on one episode. Granted, the entire episode was about him, but shouldn't he be featured a lot more? Damian Lewis won an Emmy for Lead Actor in a Drama Series in 2012, so where the hell is this guy?
Once Brody became outed as a traitor, Homeland did an excellent job keeping him part of the show. Without him, the show has become unglued. The appeal of Homeland was the chase of an American who turned his back on his country. Without that betrayal, it's just CIA agents chasing bad guys.
Saul, Carrie and Quinn’s chase is still worth watching. The inclusion of Brody is coming soon, though. Carrie (Claire Danes) believes Brody is innocent. Despite not being in contact with the infamous American, she has tried to unravel clues to clear his name.
It is only a matter of time before the CIA gets all the evidence to bring Brody back in the fold. The most intriguing plot is still on the horizon. Carrie is pregnant and Brody is probably the father.
Then again, Carrie is a promiscuous woman, so it could be anybody's. Still, the betting money's on Brody as the daddy. Imagine the juicy drama that would unfold if news came out to the public that a CIA agent has been knocked up by a suspected terrorist?
Homeland needs Brody. It's been too long already.