Almost Reel: Contraction Is In
Who would have guessed that Bud Selig is a revolutionary thinker?
(Who would have guessed that Bud Selig of all people would give me fodder for an article?)
Baseball’s commish has ratified the owners’ vote to drop two Major League Baseball teams before the start of next season. (Never mind the myriad legal battles that stand in his way.)
Now that the nation’s downsizing trend has made its way to baseball burgs, Hollywood.com has taken the “drop-two” concept to entertainment groupings that might need a trim.
And, unlike baseball, we’re not afraid to name our two, either.
Group: Harry Potter characters
Which Two Get Canned: Professor Dumbledore and Hermione Granger
Why: Both are stuck-up, righteous, know-it-alls. Who needs ’em?
Group: ABC primetime shows
Which Two Get Canned: Dharma & Greg, America’s Funniest Home Videos
Why: True, the whole lineup deserves to be canned, but these shows rotted on the vine a long time ago.
Group: ‘N Sync
Which Two Get Canned: Lance and Joey
Why: For one, they can’t sing. For two, they starred in that God-awful movie, On the Line.
Group: James Bond movies
Which Two Get Canned: The Living Daylights, License to Kill
Why: Even George Lazenby was a better Bond than the wooden Mr. Dalton.
Group: Friends
Which Two Get Canned: Ross and Monica
Why: The other four–especially Chandler–are actually funny at times.
Group: Destiny’s Child
Which Two Get Canned: The two who aren’t Beyonce
Why: Because we don’t even know the names of the two who aren’t Beyonce.
Group: Jackson 5
Which Two Get Canned: Marlon, Randy
Why: As if we’d ever get rid of Tito…
Group: Star Trek
Which Two Get Canned: Sulu, Transporter Chief Kyle
Why: They’re the first two to go when a recession finally hits the Federation.
Group: Star Trek: The Next Generation
Which Two Get Canned: Commander Riker, Wesley Crusher
Why: Extraneous. Captain Picard needs Riker like he needs a third leg, and the young Mr. Crusher is just a skinny snot rag.
Group: Led Zeppelin
Which Two Get Canned: John Bonham, John Paul Jones
Why: They aren’t Robert Plant or Jimmy Paige. This was essentially a two-man band.
Group: The Brady Bunch
Which Two Get Canned: Jan, Sam
Why: Their names have three letters. And Jan is just a whiny little snot rag. Hmm, maybe she should date Wesley Crusher.
Group: Rocky Franchise
Which Two Get Canned: IV, V
Why: Five was way too many Rocky movies. Even Sugar Ray Leonard didn’t un-retire this many times.
Group: Late night TV hosts
Which Two Get Canned: Conan O’Brien, Charles Grodin
Why: Can’t get rid of Jay or David; they have too much money. And we like Craig Kilborn and Charlie Rose too much.
Group: Star Wars movies
Which Two Get Canned: Return of the Jedi, Phantom Menace
Why: Jedi was the weak link of the first trio, and Attack of the Clones–despite the inane title–will be infinitely better than Phantom Menace.
Group: ER
Which Two Get Canned: Chloe, Luka
Why: Both of them have lost that lovin’ feeling.
Group: Beatles
Which Two Get Canned: Ringo, George
Why: (See comment above, re: Led Zeppelin.)
Group: The Simpsons
Which Two Get Canned: Skinner’s mom, Rod Flanders
Why: Agnes had sex with the Comic Book Guy, which is unforgivable. Rod, the elder Flanders son, has already left the straight-and-narrow path set by his dad: How boring.
And an honorable mention goes to The Sopranos, who don’t need to be on this list. They do a good enough job of contraction all by themselves.
