[IMG:L]The thrill of victory…the agony of conceit. [Directions: Insert Olympic music and slow-motion clips from celebs prior].
As the Olympic torch makes its way through China and in advance of the grueling events, we’re handing out awards, to our celebs that have excelled in their own categories. For stamina, endurance and sportsmanship, let’s give these steroid-free Olympiads a hand.
Gold Medal, Angelina Jolie
Category: Double Discus Throw
For pumping out two high-grossing, critics’ fav summer hits–Wanted and Kung Fu Panda–alongside two adorable, $15-million earning newbie celebs–Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, Ms. Jolie has earned the gold medal. Period.
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Bronze Medal, Verne Troyer
Category: Gymnastics, Horizontal Bar, Men’s
Beginning with a mini- French kiss, limber Verne‘s unpublished sex tape provided a window into the rigorous training it takes to excel in this competitive category.
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Bronze Medal, Sienna Miller
Category: Pocketbook Taekwando
For attacking pesky paparazzi with one fierce swing to the face with her pricey purse in LAX this past May.
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Gold Medal, Judd Apatow
Category: Men’s Production Triathlon
From sprinting to the finish line to swimming with sharks, this long distance, multi-hyphenate comedy-trained athlete, who has clearly mastered bench pressing and Hollywood ladder-climbing techniques–has stamina on his side this year; see: Pineapple Express, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Step Brothers. Producing. Writing. Starring. Directing. What else can he master?!
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Gold Medal, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson
Category: Women’s Privacy Tug-of-War
Unexpected victors whose strategy included unyielding concentration, this mighty female duo, led by anti-paparazzi-trained athlete Lindsay, has been wildly successful in deflecting the enemy–public scrutiny and the press–from making them lose focus in their battle for peace and privacy.
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Silver Medal, Shia Labeouf
Category: Shooting…One’s Self in the Foot
Shia, we truly love you…but, enough is enough! Two words: designated driver. Time to bring your talented game to another category!
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Bronze Medal, Josh Brolin [*Jeffrey Wright, not pictured]
Category: Team Tag Dive Bar Boxing
Alongside castmate Jeffrey Wright and heated crew members of Oliver Stone‘s upcoming controversial, W, gruff-sexy golden gloves Brolin was said to have duked-it-out, Cajun style, at Stray Cat Bar. Yeah, he’s earned it.
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Silver Medal, Mariah Carey
Category: Wedding Gymnastics, Uneven Bars, Women’s
Don’t cry for her, Argentina–or any other country for that matter… According to Ms. Mariah, celebrate (don’t hate) that she’s dipped a little harder into the fountain of youth by marrying Nick Cannon. Sporting high-heels and short shorts at the Teen Choice Awards, she’s truly mastered walking the walk with utter confidence and cougar panache. We give her a 9.8 across the boards!
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Gold Medal, Clay Aiken
Category: Baby Daddy Archery
Now that there are Claymate aunties dashing to Baby Gap to get some newbie onesies, we’ll take a moment to acknowledge Clay‘s unbelievable precision, grace and power in aiming for a specific target…that will ultimately bring him bundles of joy along the way. Congrats on the Clayby!
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Gold Medal, Katie Holmes
Category: Equestrian, Women’s
From the hotbed scientological stage to her anticipated debut on the Great White Way, Katie‘s had to leap over a series of rigorous hurdles to regain acting cred. Giddy up!
