1. Kristin Cavallari, for leading Trashlee Simpson in the Who Will Be the First to Morph Into Jessica Simpson Competish. Kristin is set to take over the role of Daisy Duke in the next Dukes of Hazzard movie. OK, we don’t necessarily think this is a good career move for Kristin, the only good thing to come out of Laguna Beach, but it’s definitely an ‘A’ on the Bell curve of post-reality TV success. Cavallari, who at one point or another was rumored to be dating Nick Lachey, is “at the top of the list,” according to producer Bill Gerber.
2. Kelly Osbourne, for feeling like a woman. “I haven’t always had a nicely shaped body so it’s exciting to wear things I never thought I would,” said Osbourne, who is buying her first ever bikini to celebrate her new slim figure. (Note to Kelly: When you were just 4-years-old, Oprah wheeled a wagon loaded with 67-pounds of lard onto the set of her TV show to represent the weight she’d lost on her liquid protein diet. Two hours after that show, she ate a solid and could no longer fit into those size 10 Calvin Klein jeans. We’re just saying…)
3. Bruce Willis, for setting us straight on the concept behind the fourth Die Hard installment. Willis has gotten a little paunchy and needs to slim down for the upcoming actioner. So apparently, his cop character John McClane doesn’t actually die hard of high blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes.
4. Film critics, for jeering Sofia Coppola’s new period drama Marie Antoinette at a Cannes Film Festival press screening. We haven’t seen the film, but there is a scene in which star Kirsten Dunst dances to Bow Wow Wow’s cover of “I Want Candy” and struts around in Manolo Blahniks. That’s neither French tragique nor period. Oh, and the medieval English peasants who stomped their feet to Queen’s “We Will Rock You” in the bleachers of a jousting match during that lousy 21st century Chaucerian pic A Knight’s Tale called. They want their idea back.
5. Kate Moss, for inspiring loyalty. Looks like the 32-year-old supermodel will dodge criminal charges over her alleged use last year–because London police can’t find any witnesses willing to give evidence against her. Good for Kate–and shame on the dillhole who videoed her coke-snorting session. That stuff’s private, just so you know.
6. John Stamos, for sense and sensibility. Stamos told Howard Stern he dated Denise Richards after her split from Charlie Sheen but ditched her because he wasn’t prepared to play papa to her pups. On second thought, maybe Blackie should have hit that. He is 43, and recently dumped by Rebecca Romijn for that drip Jerry O’Connell…
7. Axl Rose, for thinking the SAME thing we were: “It was like the most surreal thing that has ever happened to me in my whole life.” Axl was referring to his NYC nightclub spat with designer Tommy Hilfiger. The Brouhaha reportedly started after the Guns N’ Roses frontman moved Hilfiger’s girlfriend’s drink, “so it wouldn’t spill.” According to Axl, Hilfiger smacked him in the arm and told him to put the drink back. Rose, who was there to play a surprise set for Rosario Dawson’s 27th birthday, performed and dedicated the song “You’re Crazy” to “my good friend Tommy Hilfiger.”
8. Paris Hilton, for delaying the release of her debut album. It’s still coming–but better later than sooner, right? Apparently, Paris wants to record her own version of Gnarls Barkley’s hit single “Crazy,” so now we’ll have to wait until September to joke about it. Paris’ self-titled album will reportedly include cover versions of Blondie’s “Heart of Glass” and Rod Stewart’s” Do You Think I’m Sexy.” Maybe it’s better to just rip off the Band-Aid.
9. Dr. Robert Rey, for putting the safety of others before his delicate surgeon hands. Rey, of Dr. 90210 fame, tackled an unnamed elderly Vietnamese man who charged towards the cockpit onboard an American Airlines flight last week. The plastic surgeon-to-the-stars, another passenger and a flight attendant managed to subdue the man, who, turns out, had suffered a claustrophobic episode. Still, it’s a better claim-to-fame that his former karate-chopping a brick in half one.
10. Alexa Ray Joel, for growing up and getting noticed. Alexa, the 20-year-old daughter of Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley, just performed a gig in Toronto at the Hard Rock Café–and is now embarking on her first extended tour, even though she doesn’t have a recording contract or a finished demo. Granted she has fat financial backing of her superstar parents, but still. She was so odd looking as a baby with those big droopy eyes, we’re glad she turned out sort of hot. Swear. See for yourself.
