Please excuse me while I vent.
When the Screenings Stop
Writing movie reviews can hardly be considered a public service, but film critics do help discriminating moviegoers determine how to spend their entertainment dollars. More than ever, though, studios aren’t prescreening certain films—mostly horror remakes and sequels, including the upcoming Saw III—to ensure their most dubious investments make as much money as possible on opening weekend. Critic-proof films with built-in audiences, such as Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Family Reunion or When a Stranger Calls, really don’t require a thumbs up from Roger Ebert to succeed. But a stinker’s a stinker, so bad mouth of word usually will kill it just as quickly as a stack of 1-star reviews. Sometimes, studios should show a little more faith in their films. Snakes on a Plane may have its exceeded its toothless $15.2 million debut had its surprisingly positive reviews run on opening day, thereby convincing skeptics that SoaP’s bite almost matched its hype. It worked for The Descent, which probably would not have earned six times its $4 million budget without the raves it received.
Where’s the Blood? 
Ever since The Sixth Sense legitimatized the PG-13 horror yarn, we’re had to endure one bloodless, gutless chiller after another. Studios now willingly neuter their slasher flicks and creature features to cater to middle schoolers. That’s a far cry from the 1980s, when kids reveled in the excessive body—and nipple—count of Friday the 13th. No one’s suggesting a return to the bad old pre-Scream days, but the ghostly goings-on of Boogeyman, The Fog and The Grudge aren’t scary. Say what you want about the shortcomings of the R-rated The Hills Have Eyes, Hostel and Saw, but at least there’s a commitment to making us jump out of our seats at the time as trying to make us throw up our popcorn. So more power to a director like Hostel‘ Eli Roth, who’s not afraid to get his hands bloody.
Less is More
Trailers exist to put bums in seats. And that means cramming as many of a film’s best bits into a two-minute commercial. But show some restraint. Why did the trailer for The Grudge 2 disclose Sarah Michelle Gellar’s demise? No wonder The Grudge 2 made half of its predecessor’s $39.1 million opening—that needless revelation probably pissed off Buffy fans to the point that they lost any reason to see the sequel. And then there’s Man of the Year, which—intentionally or otherwise—misrepresents this half-baked political thriller as another wacky Robin Williams comedy. Then again, who really expects any truth in advertising?
More is Less Pinhead and other past-their-prime movie monsters will never die—not as long as there are couch potatoes to entertain. Sure, Fangoria subscribers would sell their souls for more direct-to-DVD sequels to The Crow, Hollow Man or Prophecy. But who is clambering for another Behind Enemy Lines, Bring It On, The Dukes of Hazzard or Legally Blonde? And stop trying to us fool us with in-name-only follow-ups to 8mm, The Glass House, Undisputed and Wild Things. These are all turkeys made on the cheap that rarely feature any returning cast members and bear little or no connection to their predecessors. If these sequels aren’t fit for theatrical release, why bother watching them even if it’s in the comfort of your home?
It’s Déjà Vu All Over Again
Hollywood long ago ran out of original ideas, but you know things are really bad when Revenge of the Nerds is being remade. There’s certainly a sense of desperation to Hollywood’s insistence on looking back to its past to produce its future hits. And this will continue as long as the likes of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, The Italian Job and The Longest Yard rake in the bucks. Even an Oscar winner like All the King’s Men isn’t untouchable. But its Razzie-worthy remake is a textbook example of why Hollywood’s destined to fail creatively and commercially when it tinkers with its true classics. How about a little restraint? Let’s just stick to updating films that were flawed or failed to live up to their potential, such as Ocean’s Eleven or Man on Fire? And few Americans have seen the original foreign-language versions of The Departed and Eight Below. So what’s old really is new again when it comes to remaking films produced outside our borders.
