Breathe, moviegoers, breathe–the worst is behind you. There may be only a month left in the year, but it’s filled with blockbusters and Oscar bait. Not the case for January through November, during which Hollywood threw the occasional bomb at us–and we’re still recovering. Below, we salute those films wholly lacking in quality, or as we like to mercifully call them during Thanksgiving time, the “turkeys” of the year. It’s not that 2007 was a particularly atrocious year at the movies, but when Delta Farce is actually too good to make this list, you know there was plenty o’ badness.
10. The Brothers Solomon (9/7/2007)
Stars given: 1.5
The trimmings: The title brothers (Will Forte, Will Arnett) are idiots looking for a woman idiotic enough to bear their idiot child, as a last dying wish for their idiot father (Lee Majors). Some chick (Kristen Wiig) from Craigslist bites, but at the cost of a few grand. Idiocy ensues.
Why stuff it? The original premise (as opposed to the biased one above) initially inspired mild confidence in the potential for mild comedy; the execution, however, was a different story entirely. Solomon came across as a second-rate YouTube tribute to Dumb and Dumber, only much dumber and stretched out to feature length. It makes sense then that it was written by Forte, since SNL-ers have a tendency of turning funny sketch-type ideas into terrible movies. As for the actors, Arnett once again proved he is in desperate need of a role-choice intervention in his post-Arrested Development career, while Wiig decided to play her part totally straight, as if she didn’t get the memo on how the movie was supposed to be a comedy–although maybe everyone missed that memo. But hey, congrats on being the best of the worst.
9.DOA: Dead or Alive (6/15/2007)
Stars given: 1.5
The trimmings: An elite team of fighters–including Devon Aoki, Jaime Pressly and Holly Valance–is invited to participate in the DOA tournament against, well, other elite fighters. But, uh-oh, the tourney’s curator (Eric Roberts, who else?) decides to mix things up and hatches an evil-genius scheme–involving nanobots!
Why stuff it? Sorry, gamers, but video-game adaptations have a success rate of precisely 0 percent when it comes to quality (yes, we know they sometimes do well at the box office, like all bad movies), which made DOA D.O.A.–that’s “dead on arrival.” By game-to-movie standards, we’ve seen worse, but that’s not to suggest it didn’t meet the requisite absurdity quota. Plus: The special effects were clearly executed on a much tighter budget than they should’ve been, the acting was disgustingly but expectedly over-the-top–even from (a pre-in-demand-thanks-to-My Name Is Earl) Pressly, the closest DOA came to a B-lister–and the story line, if you will, only wishes it were as good as one in a real video game. Other than that, the movie was comedy gold … in a purely unintentional way.
8. Code Name: The Cleaner (1/5/2007)
Stars given: 1
The trimmings: Jake (Cedric the Entertainer) is seemingly your average Joe Janitor until he gets knocked unconscious and wakes up with a meant-to-be-funny case of amnesia. Two women (Nicolette Sheridan, Lucy Liu), each with different intentions, lead him to believe he might be some kind of undercover agent. Hey, wait a minute… Is it just me, or did NBC’s Chuck rip off the premise from Code Name: The Cleaner a little?!
Why stuff it? On the bright side, it’s not like there were high hopes for Code Name. So it did deliver in that respect. But everywhere else, from the story’s quasi-serious turn towards the end to just every scene not shown in the trailer, it was somehow even worse than expected. And seeing Liu in this movie was something of a visual oxymoron. It couldn’t have been a big payday, so it must’ve been the heady, artsy-fartsy script that compelled her. All kidding aside, she is WAY too good for garbage like this–even Cedric the Entertainer is! Not director Les Mayfield, though; thanks to Code Name, he solidified his status as a bad-movie icon, with a résumé that “boasts” The Man, American Outlaws, Blue Streak and Flubber, among other classics. No more wondering about eligibility, Les–you’re in!
7. The Final Season (10/12/2007)
Stars given: .5
The trimmings: Based on a less sappy true story, Final Season tells of a high school baseball team in tiny-town Iowa and its never-say-die coach (Sean Astin). All together now: Awwwwww, how nauseating.
Why stuff it? If only Final Season were a Disney after-school cartoon … it’d still be too corny. Clearly director David M. Evans (of The Sandlot fame, naturally) only set out to make a movie that was inoffensive and innocuous. Well, it is both inoffensive and innocuous, but it is also insufferable and could never be confused with realism. Evans and his writing team kept the true story’s roots mostly intact while fleshing Final Season out with toxic levels of cliché–small-townsfolk who would definitely mass-hurl themselves off a bridge if not for high school baseball, kids more melodramatic than those in a “Don’t Do Drugs” cautionary video from the ‘80s, and random scenes of contrived tension using devices that don’t fit (i.e. heavy orchestral music when a teenager deliberately throws at a batter). It’s all laughable for all the wrong reasons, a common thread between all the turkeys on this list, and cheesy to the point that even the youngest viewers will chuckle sarcastically. And to the MPAA: What in this movie is too vulgar for a G rating?!
6. Primeval (1/12/2007)
Stars given: 1
The trimmings: After hearing about a crazed serial-killer crocodile (oh, you read it right!) named Gustave in Burundi, Africa, an American news team (Dominic Purcell, Orlando Jones and Brooke Langton) heads down to jungle town for a closer look. Sadly, they are not all swallowed whole by Gustave upon arrival.
Why stuff it? As the dozens who saw it can attest, there was positively nothing redeeming about Primeval. Not only did it give us flashbacks of Anacondas–as in the unnecessary sequel to the already abysmal J. Lo-starrer–but the movie even swung and missed on its so-bad-it’s-fun goal. Indeed, the intended cheese factor didn’t work, and Primeval wound up just plain walkout-able. There wasn’t a second of genuine humor or thrills in the entire movie, despite Orlando Jones constantly trying for the former and director Michael Katleman constantly trying for the latter. And after spending much of the duration preparing us for Gustave’s cameo, the croc looked like it was straight out of the ‘70s or as though the director didn’t hear about the technological advances since then. In fact, do yourselves a favor and just rent Lewis Teague’s 1980 horror-com Alligator; that way you can see what Katleman was going for AND more up-to-date special effects. [PAGEBREAK]
5. Norbit (2/9/2007)
Stars given: 1
The trimmings: Fat, Chinese, geeky–Eddie Murphy plays ‘em all in this cerebral tale of love and obesity. To pretend that there’s an actual story beyond that would be a great disservice to stories everywhere.
Why stuff it? Logic says that Murphy’s labor of vanity, which came out just prior to the Academy Awards, tainted his dramatic turn in Dreamgirls and cost him the Best Supporting Actor Oscar–and deservedly so, if that’s the case. It’s not just the two being released so close together; it’s the fact that anyone would make Norbit, ever. The movie is so lowbrow that it makes the Big Momma’s House movies look like they belong tucked away securely in some kind of cinema museum, and Norbit’s spirit is so mean that the only reason it did well at the box office is because puberty-stricken teenage males see this crap–and fart-joke movies, their favorites–more than once. By again playing multiple roles a la Coming to America and the Nutty Professor movies, Murphy showcased the talent–and narcissism–we already knew he had, but the only way to rid your soul of its ick factor after seeing Norbit was to think of the long hours put in by the makeup team, and even they must’ve left the set each day with major self-loathing.
4. Vacancy (4/20/2007)
Stars given: .5
The trimmings: With their nice car and good looks, Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale are apparently just itchin’ to get lost on a middle-of-nowhere highway after dark. Vacancy does them one better, though, by having their car break down, thus forcing them to pack it in for the night at a local Bates Motel wannabe.
Why stuff it? Luke Wilson? Scary movie? Really? Maybe the one most culpable for this turkey is the casting director, for choosing a slacker icon to play the lead in (what is supposed to be) a jumpy slasher-esque flick. Beckinsale, too, was bland as could be and hardly noticeable, providing zilch beyond a middling shriek. But we would be sorely remiss in bashing this movie if we didn’t touch upon screenwriter Mark L. Smith and his anemic story, namely its ending; all that transpires is consistently hilarious, but simply put, if this list were based solely on the worst movie endings of the year, Vacancy would claim a landslide victory. Yeah, it’s that unsatisfying of a conclusion–capping off an unwatchable beginning and middle–as though something was left out. Which, come to think of it, is probably a blessing.
3. Who’s Your Caddy? (7/21/2007)
Stars given: 1
The trimmings: A mostly black hip-hop entourage (led by real-life rapper Big Boi from Outkast) crashes an all-white, subtly racist golf country club (led by Jeffrey Jones–whom you may remember from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off a couple decades back) looking for membership. It doesn’t go over well, and there’s only one solution: a golf-off!
Why stuff it? Oh, where to begin. Who’s Your Caddy? wasn’t meant to be high art–despite pot-smoking references–or even a black Caddyshack; it was just supposed to be a simple-minded comedy for simple-minded people. Well I’m simple-minded and I was squirming, not laughing. The movie is overtly offensive and offensively unfunny, taking aim at all kinds of stereotypes instead of humorous scenarios that would’ve required the teensiest bit of imagination. And Big Boi, who along with Andre 3000 has contributed greatly to the music world, is trying for an acting crossover that just isn’t going to pan out, if his few performances to date are any indication–unless he’s got something up his sleeve. Speaking of Big Boi and sleeves, who in God’s name picked his wardrobes for this movie?!
2. Kickin’ It Old Skool (4/27/2007)
Stars given: 1
The trimmings: In 1986, a break-dancer (Jamie Kennedy) does one twirl too many and winds up in a 20-year coma as a result. When he finally comes to, he doesn’t realize that the times have changed–and that the theater has emptied.
Why stuff it? One look at the movie’s poster is irksome enough to turn a curious moviegoer away, but that’s merely the tip of the iceberg for Kickin’ It Old Skool. (Damn, even the title is annoying!) No offense to Kennedy, a fine actor in the right supporting role, but you’d think the guy has a following given the way he’s allowed to just go off and make his own movies. He might’ve hammered the nail in that deal’s coffin after this one. The writers were a few years late with the ‘80s/retro/nostalgia concept, but even if their idea wasn’t passé Kennedy still would be. It’s just that the actor/writer/producer/prankster is so off-putting in his latest stab at comedy (and our intelligence) that the god-awful story and the co-zombies who try to make it work take a back seat; the spotlight is squarely on Kennedy for this movie, the way he apparently likes it, and what an unflattering light it turns out to be.
And Our No. 1 Turkey of 2007…
1. The Ex (5/11/2007)
Stars given: .5
The trimmings: Deciphering the utter mess The Ex called its plot was one of two missions with which viewers were charged (the other: staying awake), but this much was ascertainable: Zach Braff and Amanda Peet play expectant parents who move out to the ‘burbs, where they bump into a seemingly wheelchair-bound Jason Bateman, aka “the ex.”
Why stuff it? Much like its story, or lack thereof, The Ex’s overall tone is unclear in a way that makes you think, “Jeez, did anyone involved with this movie, anyone at all, care to give it a look before releasing it to the viewing public?” The sad part is, someone evidently did, because it was pushed back several times to iron out some kinks–meaning The Ex was actually worse at one point!–and had its original title, Fast Track, dropped perhaps due to the irony of the movie being postponed and all … or maybe because the movie is about an ex! Either way, ambiguity and postponements can’t be the scapegoats here, because it’s actually cut-and-dry: The comedy was not funny to an unprecedented degree, misfiring as much as anything this millennium (which is only seven years old, but it sure does sound dramatic). At least most of the other turkeys bear the implicit label “Warning: This is meant to be silly”; The Ex, though, really believed in itself and its star, Braff. Most telling about the movie is his performance. It’s not that it’s so bad, but if you look and listen closely you can detect his inner dialogue at odds with his character’s dialogue, and he looks lost and bewildered. Presumably, he’s saying something along the lines of: “Maybe I should’ve read this script.”
