Just when you thought it was safe to assume the death of a franchise, welcome to opening day of Resident Evil: Afterlife. Like any horror franchise already wearing thin, this fourth installment turns to the customary 3D gimmick to entice a wider audience, so surely you can anticipate a bucket or two of viscera will be hurled directly into your faces. For those of you foreign to the game series-turned-movie franchise, Resident Evil follows the exploits of Alice as she battles the various monsters bred of the unscrupulous Umbrella Corporation; zombies being a key component. So this got me thinking about the inevitable zombie apocalypse and what cinematic characters I would draft into my survival squad.
Tony (Demons)
So when the outbreak begins, and the bodies of the recently deceased begin returning to life, your natural instinct is going to be to panic. But these are the most pivotal moments of the apocalypse, the make-or-break trials that will define your post-apocalyptic existence. You need someone with a cool head that has no qualms about assuming leadership in times of turmoil. If you’ve ever seen Demons, you know Tony had the uncanny ability to silence screaming crowds to bark orders and direct them to do things they really should have thought to do on their own. He may be the greatest project manager in zombie cinema.
Shaun (Shaun of the Dead)
If Tony’s carefully constructed plans fail, it’s always good to have a contingency. In the interest of keeping things balanced, I feel that contingency should be someone who has a knack for lucking into haphazard havens that provide refuge from zombies if only for a short time. Shaun is better at surviving zombie attacks while totally oblivious to them than most characters are with foresight and a full prepping montage under their belts. Not to mention his hours upon hours spent in British pubs makes him the ideal drinking buddy when a rare free moment arises. He’d be a great tandem to Tony as he already has assistant manager experience…and a cricket bat.
Ash (The Evil Dead)
As true as it is that having a solid, or even a more laissez faire, gameplan is important, one cannot overestimate the value of died-in-the-wool ass-kickers. If there is one person who knows how to take down the undead, it’s Ashley “Ash” Williams. Not only does Ash know killing zombies like his own right arm, but also the events of his past equip him with a advantageous coldness. Whereas you or I might hesitate before putting a bullet in the brain of a cadaver that was formerly our significant other, Ash has been tortured by the zombie versions of his girlfriend and best friend to the point of developing a heartless, calculated hostility toward them. He would be the go-to guy to dispatch the flesh-eaters we would be too sentimental to snuff.
Tallahassee (Zombieland)
Much like Ash, Tallahassee knows how to re-dead the undead and does so with adeptness. But Tallahassee also demonstrates a great deal of glee in returning the living dead to their graves which would lighten the mood a bit when things were most dire. Pairing brains with brawn, Tallahassee would also have the benefit of knowledge of the rules for survival that we would have inevitably gleaned from Columbus and was smart enough to covet the largest car imaginable to ferry my entire crew across the scorched Earth. Also, there is no weapon known to God or man with which this guy couldn’t kill a zombie. This is a vital attribute to consider when pondering the potential locations in which you may be holed up as the ravenous horde gathers outside. Rest assured, you need not seek shelter in an armory when a Home Depot will provide a more-than-adequate toy chest for this MacGyver of mayhem.
Trash (Return of the Living Dead)
Now of course I don’t want to appear chauvinistic with my zombie apocalypse crew; women are certainly welcome. Immediately the logistical part of my brain, the part that actually does spend hours planning for a zombie outbreak that will probably never happen, would want a woman in the mix in order that humanity may have a fighting chance at re-population. But asking one woman to shoulder the resurgence of an entire species is a bit unfair, not to mention conjures up inevitable implications of incest. So instead, I would like this gothalicious babe from Return of the Living Dead to simply continue doing what she does best: dancing naked in the rain. Talk about a morale boost, right?
