[IMG:L]There’s a lot to love about television, but with the good comes … the truly annoying. Here’s what’s currently turning me off when I turn the TV on.
Shows with “Celebrity’ or “Star” in Their Title
Not only are such shows pretty much terrible across the board, but their titles are complete and utter misnomers. Sorry, Celebrity Circus, I don’t foresee Wee Man being chased down by the paparazzi anytime soon. Sorry, Dancing with the Stars, but … Ted McGinley? Even when he was a supporting player on Married with Children — over a decade ago! — I would’ve been hard-pressed to call him a ‘star.’ And sorry, Celebrity Rehab, that tattooed dude from Crazy Town, whose name will forever elude me, isn’t even a Z-list celebrity. But do let me know when you start broadcasting the show from Cirque Lodge. [PAGEBREAK]
Knight Rider
Strike one: NBC missed the retro-cheesy-is-cool boat by about five years. Strike two: The performances from Justin Bruening and his co-pretty young things are as stiff as KITT’s voice (Val Kilmer). Strike three: The storylines are flat-out ridiculous — kinda like the acting. Three strikes, you’re out. Or in this case you get renewed for another season. That’s four strikes! [PAGEBREAK]
Billy Bush
Billy “George Dubya’s First Cousin” Bush may be a perfectly nice and calm fella off the air, but on TV he has the grating, generic personality of a talking doll sold at the NBC store — with a string on its back that doesn’t retract. Whenever I’m forced into watching red-carpet coverage of awards shows, I have but one condition: no NBC. And despite that fact — and my personal, logical boycott of Access Hollywood, which he co-hosts — Billy still manages to stealthily pop up on my TV all the time! [PAGEBREAK]
Long Hiatuses
Yes, Larry David, we understand that you need your space and that the mere notion of a hard-and-fast deadline for Curb Your Enthusiasm would probably bring about a crippling case of writer’s block; sure, 24, we know your show’s unique concept requires more time to write than the average hour-long drama, and go ahead, use the writers’ strike as a scapegoat for last season’s deletion; and J.J. Abrams, we accept that you’re one of the busiest people in showbiz and that Lost is just one of your many “babies.” Your commitment to excellence is greatly appreciated, but it need not come at the expense of timeliness. See Tina Fey’s 30 Rock, which was ready in time for fall despite being TV’s best comedy. [PAGEBREAK]
Anything on E! That Isn’t “The Soup” or “Chelsea Lately”
Under the Ryan Seacrest regime, E! has landed some fairly big celebs (i.e., Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards) to headline reality series — as well as celeb families like the Kardashians and the Lohans (minus Lindsay). But that’s what the network has been reduced to: reality TV, and flash-in-the-pan reality TV at that. Ironically, the only two E! shows worth watching, The Soup and Chelsea Lately, thrive on jeering celebs — and The Soup even goes so far as to routinely mock E!’s cookie-cutter programming. [PAGEBREAK]
Viagra Commercials
Look, I’m all for oldlyweds continuing to … ya know … into their 60s and beyond, and I don’t even really mind deleting a handful of Viagra emails each day. But the pfolks at Pfizer need to keep the ads confined to the pages of AARP magazine and OFF of commercials that air during every single show I’m watching. And for the love of Elvis, if I hear — nay, sing — “Viva Viagra” one more time, I’m launching a campaign for senior-citizen celibacy. [PAGEBREAK]
The Ubiquity of Diddy
Sean Combs’ multi-media success has clearly given him a false sense of appeal. Nowadays he has his own personal YouTube channel, which is painfully unfunny (and in the case of his voting-campaign videos, painfully uncompelling, too), and it’s hard to turn on MTV without seeing him. Of course, it’s hard to turn on MTV, period, but I’ll save that for another rant. [PAGEBREAK]
MADtv
MADtv wasn’t even a Saturday night option back when Saturday Night Live was borderline unwatchable — you know, the pre-Fey-as-Palin days. But now that SNL is appointment viewing again, it renders that other sketch-comedy show less significant than ever, and for good reason(s): Its guest stars sometimes appear to consist of any low-hanging Fox “talent” available (i.e., Spike Feresten, Brooke Burns, Niecy Nash, Jerry O’Connell and Mary Lynn Rajskub), and good God, those sketches! They make Andy Samberg’s “Digital Shorts” seem humorous.
