With the return of Gordon Gekko to the screen, so returns the epic monologue. And in celebration, we offer our own epic monologue. About monologues:
“You come here, today, standing before me wondering. Wondering in your minds about the monologue. Of course you do. In your head, you’re always in a monologue. So therefore you think you know the monologue. But you don’t! Sure, you spout off “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” and “Greed is good!” like you know what you’re talking about. But f*ck that. And f*ck YOU for even thinking that. You think you can make money because “I’m a f*cking millionaire.” Just kidding, I liked it the first time when “coffee was for closers.”
Have I taught you nothing? ABM maggots! Always! Be! Monologuing! You live and die by the strength of your monologue but don’t you dare die for your monologue! You make the other poor bastard die for his monologue! You talk about wine when you’re really talking about yourself! This isn’t just for you! This is for your FREEDOM! Do you feel lucky? Well do you, punk? You better feel lucky if you’re going to monologue me because I will send your sorry ass to the hospital!
But don’t worry. This isn’t just a tough guy monologue. I’ll come visit you whenever because I don’t know the meaning of the word visiting hours. A monologue is nothing if no one hears it. You’re just as important to me as I am to me. You… complete me. And oh my god, here come the tears and this becomes a sappy monologue. Here’s where I list random things about you in the name of character development and make it sweet. Or I can just say the craziest things and get a laugh.
Oh yeah, I can be funny too. Humor always makes for a great monologue. It really helps you connect with people, like the Dali Lama! I know that link wasn’t what you thought it was, but hey, that’s funny too. Anyone? Ok, fine, I can do something better. I wasn’t even supposed to be here today and yet I’m still here monologuing. Because that’s just what I do. Anyone? Oh no, not this again. Fine, here’s two jokes for you.
You think this monologue is over? It ain’t over till we say it’s over! There are rules you gotta follow! You always stick with your own monologue. Do it differently and you spend a day in the box. Second rule of monologuing is you do NOT talk about monologuing. And if you want to get fancy like very vociferous Victorian, for you to vilify through vicarious violins, be my guest.
But like everything, your monologue has to end. End it big, my friend! And I will strike down on upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger! Because I am God! Party on dudes!
Yeah, that feels right. Conclusive.”
And that is how you do a monologue. Class dismissed.
Special thanks to Film Site’s incredible database.
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