Fans of author Alexandre Dumas’ 1844 serialized novel The Three Musketeers (or heck fans of the 1993 Chris O’Donnell/Charlie Sheen Disney version!) beware: The latest incarnation bears little resemblance to the version you remember from high school English. Unless you sped-read through the reading in-between levels of your favorite video game—in which case it might be exactly as you remember.
Director Paul W.S. Anderson (Mortal Kombat the Resident Evil franchise) orchestrates his Musketeers with the rhyme and reason of a confetti popper loading his cinematic shotgun with familiar story beats paper thin characters and anachronistic technology in order blast his audience all the way back to last weekend’s Saturday morning cartoons. The movie opens with the titular swashbucklers Athos (Matthew Macfadyen) Aramis (Luke Evans) and Porthos (Ray Stevenson) on a mission to crack Da Vinci’s vault where the legendary inventor’s master work is kept hidden. After running jumping slicing dicing and pressing every A+B+X+Y button combo imaginable it’s Arthos’ lady friend Milady de Winter (Milla Jovovich) who finally breaks in—only to steal Da Vinci’s plans for a massive war machine and backstabbing the Musketeers in the process.
One year passes and we pick up with young son-of-an-ex-Musketeer D’Artagnan (Logan Lerman) who rides off to Paris in search of adventure. Before too long D’Artagnan crosses paths with the burnt-out swordsmen who see a little bit of themselves in the young lad who lays waste to 40 guardsmen after getting the stink eye (boy’s got a bit of temper). The Musketeers return to form just in time as the movie’s handful of villains are all preparing to strike at exactly the same moment. The Duke of Buckingham (Orlando Bloom) has built Da Vinci’s balloon-powered airship and secretly plans an attack; Cardinal Richelieu (Christoph Waltz) convinces Milady to double cross Buckingham planting the Queen’s diamond necklace in the Duke’s posession to incite war (but wasn’t he already…? Nevermind); and Richelieu’s number two Rochefort (Mads Mikkelsen) who just likes to stab Musketeers in the face.
There’s a whole lot of plot going on in The Three Musketeers but the film’s presentation is so scatterbrained so rapid-fire that none of the many throughlines ever click to make sense. But Anderson gets very very lucky—thanks in no small part to a colorful cast that elevates the lazy storytelling with energy humor and charm. Macfadyen is stoic and sharp as Athos while Evans does his best to inject actual character into Aramis glowing with friendliness and warmth around his fellow Musketeers. Stevenson’s rugged Pathos adds much needed comedy making up for the lame Planchet (James Corden) the Musketeers’ Chris Farley-wannabe sidekick. Unfortunately Lerman’s D’Artagnan is a black hole of charisma—not helpful as he’s the crux of the story.
Anderson can’t decide which plotlines to follow so great performers like Waltz and Mikkelsen are cut short in favor of spotlighting the scantily-clad Jovovich (yes even 1600s garb) who carries over all the wooden skills she demonstrated in the Resident Evil movies. Orlando Bloom might be the only cast member who realizes he’s in a movie destined to be campy. Donning pastels glitter and eyeshadow Bloom twists his mustache and takes it over the top. That’s when Musketeers is at its most fun.
Airship battles sword fights and fast-paced Ocean’s 11-style infiltration montages are more entertaining than the silly story would suggest but more often than not Anderson downplays Three Musketeers most interesting aspect: The Musketeers themselves. Gone is the camaraderie the “all for one one for all.” Instead Three Musketeers is an experience similar to watching a friend play video games. That friend’s not going to waste time clicking through dialogue and learning the story when he could be zipping through adrenaline-infused landscapes blasting baddies into smithereens. Not even for your sake.