Like the smell of pine trees and those harrowing calls of desperation emitted by Toys ‘R’ Us, holiday movies are going to be everywhere as soon as you retighten your belt after Thanksgiving dinner. But that doesn’t mean every Christmas movie is for everyone (and sorry, Jews, there just aren’t any movies for you). Everyone has their favorite, and everyone’s favorite tells us exactly what sort of psychological problems they might have. It’s like a Rorschach test, but with multicolored lights!
A Christmas Story
Your wife and kids just don’t get you. You spend a lot of time in your garage pretending like you’re fixing things, but mostly, you’re just playing Words with Friends with that hot girl from accounting who you bet you could bone if you get her drunk enough at the office Christmas party. You’re too much of pu**y to actually cheat on your wife, but you just want to think you still have it. You’ve been arrested for something you’ve done on a dare. You get upset when people swear in front of your kids.
You don’t buy presents. You don’t really do Christmas, even though everyone who comes into your job at a big box store (or maybe the Post Office or FedEx/Kinkos) is always going on about it. Your last girlfriend left you because you wore jeans and a baseball cap to her sister’s wedding. You own a bong. It has a name. There is at least one bag of chips under your bed. You’ve accidentally downloaded a virus trying to pirate movies (only some of the adult variety). Once a year, you catch a glimpse of Holiday in Handcuffs when shutting off the XBox, and you watch the whole thing and weep and weep and weep.
It’s a Wonderful Life
Now that all of your kids are out of the house, you had to turn one of their rooms into a guest room, because at least once a month your friends come over and drink too much Pinot to drive home safely. You’d get thrown out of the country club if they could catch you breaking the rules. Now that you’re retired, you spend most of your time working on projects around the house, like building a shed in the backyard based off plans you downloaded from the Internet, or installing a water feature because you saw it on HGTV. You still own VHS tapes and buy things from catalogs. You took the Apple store class on the iPad and now you teach your kids how to use theirs.
Muppet’s Christmas Carol
Remember when you were a kid? Sure you do, because BuzzFeed has a whole vertical dedicated to recycling and reminding you of every scrap of your childhood on a loop: Lisa Frank, Nickelodeon, Gak, Ecto Cooler, Pete & Pete, Spice Girls, Saved by the Bell, Goosebumps, slap bracelets! YouTube is nothing but your time capsule. You love it when two stars from your favorite TV shows have a “reunion” on one of their new shows. Your roommate hates it when you pass out in your bed with the lights and your clothes on, but this happens at least once a week. Tequila shots are usually to blame. No one would call you a slut, but you are very friendly.
How’s Brooklyn? Oh, I bet you love it. There’s so much room for your bike and your thrift store clothes and computer that you stole from your old job (as far as you’re concerned, they never really asked for it back, so it’s not really stealing). You were vegan for a few weeks in college until you found out that Jell-O has, like, horse bits in it, and then you were like, “Screw it,” and now you’re a ovo-lacto-vegetarian who has fish only when your parents come to town and take you out someplace nice. Occupy Wall Street was a little hardcore for you, but you tell people you were there even though you just swung through one afternoon with your friends and drink beer out of paper bags. You tell everyone your favorite band is something they’ve never heard of before, but the most played artist on your iTunes is Rihanna. Cat, which is your cat’s name, would hate that. You have a mustache. Yes, even if you’re a girl.
Miracle on 34th Street
You’re either an old lady who lives in a nursing home and has a nice boyfriend named Abe or a weird, precocious child who hopes to one day be the inspiration of a Ryan Murphy sitcom. Preferably not one with singing.
Nightmare Before Christmas
The Chik-Fil-A boycott was the best thing to ever happen to you because you finally lost those 20 pounds and now you can stop shopping at Torrid and go to the real Hot Topic… like a normal person. Even if you’re not “goth” or “emo,” you have a propensity for dark clothing, too much makeup, and Amanda Palmer albums. Regardless of your gender or sexual orientation, at one time you had a crush on Pete Wentz. You think that Kristen Stewart is misunderstood and people often tell you that you look just like her. Either that or a Garbage Pail Kid. You probably don’t know what that is, but that’s okay. Just go to the Orange Julius and leave the rest of us alone.
The Santa Clause
Dad, I told you to stop reading my articles.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
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