10 Things You Need to Know About the 83rd Oscars

Natalie Portman Oscars Red CarpetEveryone that we thought would win won.

Seriously. Could this have been any more boring? Is it too much to ask that we get a surprise or two? (Like Hailee Steinfeld defying Oscar history and beating Melissa Leo for that best supporting trophy? Hey Academy, I bet Steinfeld wouldn’t have dropped the F-bomb on live television. Just sayin’.) We may be able to attribute all this predictability to the fact that this year was pretty dismal for film, but I think that’s probably just what I try to tell myself so I can sleep tonight.

Except for Banksy.

And hipsters everywhere refrained from crying inconsolably because that’s not cool, so instead they started preparing some art installation made of old rusty shopping carts and tapped out spray paint cans in protest. Okay, now that I’ve taken that cheap shot at my generation, I have to say, “REALLY?” You guys talk about Banksy all week long, freaking out about what he may or may not do on the stage or whether that painted elephant from Exit Through the Gift Shop should be allowed to accept his award for him and you give it to Inside Job? Really? REALLY? Let. Down.

The glory of James Franco’s Eyebrows.

Because they’re kind of amazing. I didn’t know how he could simultaneously be hilarious, ridiculous, insane, adorable, wonderful, annoying, skeptical, gracious, snarky, lovable, and every other adjective I can’t think of right now all at the same time (it sort of explains why he has so many jobs) but then it finally hit me: his eyebrows are the key. THEY ARE THE KEY. I’d like to add that this Twitter coverage deserves an honorable mention. I always wondered what a blurry iPhone photo of Billy Crystal looked like. Now I know.

Anne Hathaway sings better than Gwyneth Paltrow.

All you Gwyneth haters can shut up now because I’m pretty sure that performance stolen from a Tuesday night at a Karaoke bar in Queens where even the bartender is embarrassed for the person onstage killed her little music career hobby she’s been trying to get going. It was dreadful. And I’m not talking about the cheesy lyrics to that Country Strong song. You know what’s worse? Anne Hathaway, who was goofing around and taking an opportunity to make fun of Hugh Jackman, sang 10 times better than the woman who’s been making headlines for months over her “great” singing voice. Go back to Gooping (or whatever you call writing on your blog about how you’re the best person ever) and stop trying to be a famous singer, Gwynny.

In general, old people ruled the Oscars.

When Kirk Douglas stepped out and upstaged every single joke that James Franco and Anne Hathaway attempted I think we all knew that this whole “let’s have young people host the Oscars because it will be more fun” idea was a half-baked theory. But then, what did we get? More awesome old people! Then we got Randy Newman roasting himself (before any of us on the live blog could get to it, the wiley bastard) and Eli Wallach being simultaneous badass and adorable. Clearly, the award for best group of people at the Oscars goes to the awesome old folks.

James Franco Dress OscarsJames Franco wore a dress.

Really? You’re looking for an explanation for this one? It’s James Franco in a freaking pink dress and a blonde wig. Why aren’t you furiously Googling for more photos so you can permanently sear that image into your brain?

Natalie Portman is adorable and pregnant.

She really is unrealistically adorable and her hormones from the little baby growing inside her made her extra sentimental and weepy. It was pretty freaking cute. Besides, if we had to sit through four hours of stuff we already knew was going to happen, we should at least get some smultzy, sugary sweet moments out of it. And yes, we know. NATALIE PORTMAN CRIES A LOT.

Inception won all the awards that won’t look good on a DVD box.

Look, I know Inception was a summer blockbuster so it’s not very Oscar-y to give it awards like Best Original Screenplay – yeah, that’s right, sorry The King’s Speech – but come on. I know that in the process of actually putting the film together sound mixing and visual effects are important in reality, but this isn’t reality, this is the internet. And you know what? No one’s going to be hosting heated debates over whether or not Unstoppable was robbed in the sound editing category. The fact is, Inception deserved those awards, but they were still all the most boring awards it could possibly have won. And you know what I say to that? BWWAAAAH.

The autotune movie compilation is great because autotune is always funny.

Not only was this hilariously awesome, but it also gave us Justin Timberlake’s long-awaited (albeit involuntary) return to “music,” more Toy Story and most importantly, A REASON TO BE GRATEFUL THAT TWILIGHT EXISTS. No joke. Just watch it.

The Triangle of Man-Love.

You may not have wanted The King’s Speech to win. You may not have even seen The King’s Speech. You may think Geoffrey Rush’s “fake” Australian accent was “pretty English.” You may have seen the weird (lame) PG-13 version that cut out all the awesome swear words (SHITSHITSHITBUGGERFUCKSHIT). But no matter what your gripe is, Tom Hooper gave the most impregnable defense for his glorious wins during that Best Director acceptance speech: “The Triangle of Man-Love.” I can and will argue about just about anything with just about anyone, but even I can’t argue with man-love. Sorry, Fincher.