‘Archer’ Premiere Recap: FB-I Think We’re in a Lot of Trouble

Archer, Season 5, Ep 1FX

The episode opens with Sterling Archer (H. Jon Benjamin) walking into the offices of ISIS on a picturesque morning … people are even dancing around. He’s brought flowers for his mother’s birthday and Malory Archer (Jessica Walter) is excited. Suddenly, a few bombs go off and there’s gunfire. The often-shot agent Brett gets shot in the head to never resurrect again, presumably. A pregnant Lana Kane (Aisha Tyler) suppresses gunfire until Archer fires a shot, and then Oh s**t! It’s an FBI agent!

The head FBI agent (Gary Cole) takes them all in on treason charges because apparently ISIS has no government connection. They try to get everyone to confess. Mallory assures everyone they won’t get into trouble if they shut up. Like clockwork, Cyril Figgis (Chris Parnell), Cheryl Tunt (Judy Greer), Pam Poovey (Amber Nash), Ray Gillette (Adam Reed) and Krieger (Lucky Yates) all confess everything and recap the entire series.

As per usual, while fighting Lana and Archer escape and try to rescue everyone. Archer takes a second to ask Lana to marry him as an offer to care for her baby. She responds, “Don’t take this the wrong way but I’d rather lose the baby.” Oh snap! As they try to escape, they run into Malory who has secured the group immunity in escape for ISIS. At the remains of the ISIS headquarters, a secret drawer opens revealing a ton of cocaine. (The exact amount is about the amount Lindsay Lohan may or may not have done in her lifetime). Archer has a vision of Archer Vice,  a preview for the rest of the season. 

Best Lines of the Episode

What’s that, Beeker? – Lana to Cyril after he gets hit by a flashbang.

You’ll never take me alive. On second thought, I very much prefer being taken alive.Krieger

Our tax dollars hard at work. [laugh] Well not mine obviously … Damnit! – Malory in front of the FBI

All of you shut your various holes and listen to me carefully. – Malory

Look at him all tied up like a Christmas ham. – Pam about tied up FBI agent.

Agent: Can I stop you, please?   Pam: That’s what he said. [cough]… inappropriate.

That was figuratively killing me. – Archer obsessed with the name of Beeker’s boss.