Welcome to Hollywood.com’s Insomniac’s Guide to television, where we bring you our guide to strange, dark underbelly of television that is after-11 programming. So if you’re a night owl, or just want to set your TiVo, check out our recommendations for the week. But there’s no guarantee that these shows will look as good by the light of day. This week’s Very Special Insomniac’s Guide is brought to you by Pamela Anderson’s breasts acting ability.
Monday Night 8/2
Futurama “The Late Philip J. Fry” – 12:30 on Comedy Central
If you haven’t been watching the revived new season of Futurama, now’s probably the time to start. I don’t know another show on television that could walk you through the destruction and creation of the universe, all in the service of a touching love story. And killing Hitler, of course.
Tuesday Night 8/3
Barb Wire – 12:00 on MoMax
Barb Wire was a futuristic stripper-punk version of Casablanca. It was also meant to launch Pamela Anderson’s career as a legitimate actress. You can guess how well that turned out, but it did leave behind one enjoyable train wreck of a movie.
Wednesday Night 8/4
A Lion Called Christian – 2:00 on Animal Planet
I don’t know how they managed to turn a two-minute internet sensation into an hourlong special, but I can only hope that is consists of running the original video on a loop 15 times, set to Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”. The story of Christian the lion is so sweet that it’s likely to put you in a diabetic coma, but it’s 2 in the morning, and who wants to watch something ponderous and heavy?
Thursday Night 8/5
Baywatch “Tentacles Part 1+2” – 2:30 and 3:45 on Comedy Central
Speaking of the ponderous and heavy, Pamela Anderson is back on this very special two-parter of her hit soft-core porn television show Baywatch, where she and David Hasselhoff must battle a giant penis metaphor cave octopus. If that doesn’t sound like fun, then you have no soul. Or are a straight woman.
Bonus: If you haven’t gotten enough of Baywatch’s particular appeal, BBC America is airing a show called My Big Breasts And Me Friday night at 1. I’m sure it’s a sober examination of the trails and tribulations that come from living the life of the well-endowed, but BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS.
Friday Night 8/6
Goldfinger – 10:50 on Encore
It’s Bond. James Bond. With Connery. Sean Connery. At fifty. Ten Fifty. On television. Your television.
Saturday Night 8/7
Cowboy Bebop “Real Folk Blues Part 1+2” – 2:00 and 2:30 on Cartoon Network
I’ve suggested Cowboy Bebop on the Insomniac’s Guide before, but if you haven’t been keeping up with the show than this airing of the final episode isn’t the place to start. But if you’ve been following along with Spike’s saga from the beginning, “Real Folk Blues” is the best series finale you could hope for. It’s got action, suspense, and a surprising amount of heart, along with an iconic and oft-debated end. See you, space cowboys.
Sunday Night 8/8
Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 – 1:00 and 3:15 on TNT
Watching the entire 4+ hour Kill Bill saga is for hardcore insomniacs only, so I should have probably just chosen one for the guide. But it’s like choosing between my children, or my limbs, or my favorite t-shirts. Volume 1 is one of the best action films of the decade, and Volume 2 is one of the best deconstructions of an action film of the decade. So I leave the choice up to you, reader. Choose wisely.
