John C. Reilly’s Phone Troubles: Late Last Night

  John C. Reilly’s Phone Troubles: Late Last Night

Last night, John C. Reilly talked to Jay Leno about Australian animals that like to eat body parts. But those guys aren’t even the most dangerous. Turns out, koala bears are terribly scary! And kangaroos, that trick you into liking them until you run out of treats to give them.

And then he told Jay about a time when his arms fell asleep and he couldn’t answer the phone. So what does he do? Use a bluetooth device? Can’t, this was probably in the seventies. Could he have put the call on speaker phone? Nope, because seriously, the seventies didn’t do anything good for us except create the concept of anonymous sex. So again, what does he do? Watch and find out.

Jon Stewart took time out of his busy schedule of beating his female staff members and stapling their fingers together until they give him good ideas to make up for the fact they have lady parts (I’m only kidding – I’m on team Daily Show) to talk about how NASA people are “reaching out” to the Muslim world. Not only did this send Conservative networks into overdrive, it got them talking like Raggedy Ann.

And John Oliver talked about how Queen Elizabeth II came to New York City for the first time in more than thirty years. But what was the point? After that much time, one would think she’d just stop caring about us altogether after pretending to for so long.

Stephen Colbert talked about how President Obama was photoshopped by The Economist! That’s right! Obama’s so popular his body isn’t just getting inserted into pictures with topless college students on their summer vacations!

And if you’re single and ready to mingle, consider heading over to BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site that Stephen Colbert strongly endorses. But now, its creators have invented another site offers sperm and eggs for purchase so your offspring will be as beautiful as the mate you couldn’t find, or had in front of your nose but rejected because he left crumbs in your bed.