SO many things happened on Keeping up with the Kardashians last night! For one, Kim found out that she had psoriasis, which, um, HELLO, is a PROBLEM, because she earns a living by looking perfect and booking modeling jobs and promoting sneakers that give you a better ass, and she always has to reveal her legs because people pay her to use them to convince us to buy things! And while that issue was happening, Bruce freaked out because he found out one of his daughters was on birth control and to him, that meant his wife Kris was giving their daughter the OK to have sex. The only thing seriously missing from this episode was the quadriplegic dog who just learned he had diabetes AND that he was going to have to have his legs cut off AND that he wasn’t really a dog.
“I cannot have psoriasis.” – Kim
But let’s start with what happened with Kim first. So one morning she woke up and realized she had all these little red things all over her legs, and so she got really scared because who is going to hire her if all of her pictures have to be retouched because now she’s got splotches all over her legs and they’re disguuuuuuuuuusting!? (Also, it was really funny how Kim used her psoriasis as a means of maintaining that NONE of the pictures she’s taken have been retouched or photoshopped. It was just really great to see her be like, “wow, my career is over because I’ve turned into a leper and there’s no way I can be photographed now!”) Frantic, Kim made an appointment to go to her dermatologist and once he told her she had psoriasis, she said “excuse me, I cannot have psoriasis. Do you know who I am? Have you ever looked at the checks I give you before you deposit them so you can buy frames for your ‘medical degrees?’ I’m Kim Kardashian, and I do not have psoriasis. Try again, doc.” After she realized that she really did have psoriasis, Kim went over to her mother’s office (because the doctor told her it was hereditary) and asked her mom if she herself had psoriasis, and her mom admitted that she had her first breakout when she was Kim’s age! HAHAHAHA, good prank mom! How long were you planning that one, THIRTY YEARS?! Anyway, then Kim’s body got WORSE! In fact, it got so bad that Kim decided to Google psoriasis, and then Kim did exactly what all of us do when we Google something we have on our bodies: SHE CALLED HER MOTHER IN A PANIC and told her that her skin was so bad that she had to cancel the commercial she was supposed to shoot tomorrow because UNLIKE PHOTOS, VIDEO CANNOT BE RETOUCHED! UGH, right? RIGHT! Dammit genetics! Way to infringe on Kim’s ability to make a living for herself! So Kris came rushing over to see if Kim’s condition did worsen because she didn’t want to lose the 10% commission she would collect for booking the commercial for Kim, but instead of soothing her daughter and explaining that the condition is manageable, Kris said Kim needed to grow up and get a grip and that life would go on. This sent Kim into a rage and the two of them started screaming at each other and then Kim locked herself in her bathroom to sit in oatmeal and try and will her psoriasis onto another person. So Kris left in a huff and completely surprised that her daughter would react so insanely over a skin condition, and the next day at the shoot, Kris was nervous that Kim wasn’t going to show up because she was too embarrassed about the way she looked. But eventually, Kim wandered on set and went straight for the makeup artist and asked him what he could do to cover up her CRAZY DISEASE, and he said “oh, this is no problem. you can hardly notice it.” Kim was obviously very relieved, and so was Kris because it looked like she was going to be able to continue making money off her daughter.
“She’s got a very close relationship with the girls and she’s always talking about sex.” – Bruce
The other storyline in this episode had to do with Bruce finding out that Kendall, his 15 year-old daughter, was taking birth control pills. When he asked Kris what the meaning of her contraceptive use was, and Kris said it was just to manage her cramps and that it didn’t mean she was having sex. And so to torture him, Kris told Bruce to have the sex talk with their daughters because he was so insecure about them eventually being people who enjoy sex, and that addressing the issue head on might help him realize that talking about sex isn’t such a horrible thing to talk about. But talking to his teenage daughters about sex was something that completely disgusted Bruce, so he asked Khloe to come over because she’s always talking about sex and he thought it would make it easier on himself if she could find out what his daughters already know about sex so he could figure out what he didn’t have to tell them. So to get the job done, Khloe went over to her sisters and told them to raise their hands if they’ve done things like kiss a boy, kiss a boy with tongue, or know what to do with a penis when they see one. It became clear that the girls really knew nothing about sex, and so that was a pretty big relief to Bruce because the fact that his daughters would know that if they took their birth control effectively they wouldn’t get pregnant was unconscionable to him. And so Bruce felt better once he knew that his daughters weren’t really experimenting yet, and he went back to doing what he does day in and day out, which is secretly put batteries in his toy airplanes because his wife Kris doesn’t know that he took his own credit card out of her wallet and bought something with his own money.
