This season of Jersey Shore ends tonight, and so we’re obviously very sad that our defense against The Big Bang Theory reruns has been weakened. But our viewership has been rewarded because the Shore Store group was kind enough to unload some serious wisdom on us. And so behold, in list form, everything we have learned from watching the most recent 12 episodes of this show.
1. Drinking too much makes you shit blood.
Watching Ronnie find blood in his poops was one of the most disastrous moments of the show. What happened was after a seriously long night of drinking, he woke up the next morning to find blood in the toilet. Sammi drove him to a doctor who did a thorough examination of Ronnie’s gopher with his pointer and index fingers, but had very little to report and no prognosis to provide. Instead, the doctor just told him to drink less, which Ronnie disregarded quicker than if he was told that his DVD rentals were due back next Tuesday. A simple Google search suggests Ronnie experienced a symptom of Cirrhosis, which is the result of excessive alcohol consumption. It affects the functionality of the liver and its blood vessels, and makes them unable to make proteins, process hormones and nutrients. So, for all of us out there who use our blenders to make Ron Ron juice instead of using them to grind up some feta cheese for a Greek salad: beware, as the blood you’ll see in the toilet the next morning is your liver telling you that it wants a corner office and a secretary.
When Sammi left and Ronnie was wallowing in her absence, the show got pretty boring. So to fill up the hour, producers tried to get us to keep caring about the show by filming the prank wars that had erupted in the house. The Situation sent Deena and Snooki to Manhattan when they were really supposed to go to a place called Jenks, where a pitcher of Sangria is considered one drink for one person. Vinny tied a rope around Snooki’s treasured Crocadilly and hung him off of the balcony, and there were many water balloon fights. But Ronnie, Sammi, and Snooki performed by far the best prank, which was smearing cream cheese in between the Situation’s bed sheets. This resulted in him thinking the girl he brought home for extracurriculars that night smelled like Parmesan cheese, which made him unable to create a Situation in her location. He responded to the stench by getting rid of the girl immediately. It was a surprisingly excellent prank, and way better than putting baby powder in a hair dryer and just waiting for someone to turn it on.
3. Cops don’t care if you’re a good person
After getting so drunk she had to ask someone where the beach was even though she was running alongside it, Snooki was arrested for public intoxication. While police officers were hauling her from the shoreline and back up towards the boardwalk, she tried her best to regale the police officers with stories to prove that she was a good person who did not deserve to be arrested for tripping over crabs’ air bubbles in the sand. If it were me, I would have gotten out my phone and shown the officers that the first contact I have in my phone book is my local ASPCA.
4. Pauly is perfect
One of the best parts about Jersey Shore is Pauly D. He’s responsible for some of the most hilarious parts of the show, (like the Staten Island song), even though he’s largely considered as a secondary character. He’s always looking to have a good time and never ever starts any unnecessary fights or meddles in other people’s problems, like Mike does. Pauly simply sits on the couch with Vinny and compares Sammi and Ronnie’s arguments to that of a cage match between two polar bears and yells at Deena to get him the 409 so he can clean the kool aid off his sneakers. If you manage to get on Pauly’s bad side, you are instantly relegated to a deserted town that’s so deserted it doesn’t even have a Rango.
5. Broken glasses lead to a broken guido
Of the many fights between Ronnie and Sammi that we’ve witnessed over the years, not one of them was as bad as the one we watched on February 10th. That fight started out somewhat like every other one we’d seen, but it was different in that Ronnie tried to completely remove Sammi’s bed from the room while Sammi clung to the mattress, screaming that he was a psycho. Mike, Vinny and Pauly took Ronnie out drinking and temporarily ended the brawl…but it escalated again once Ronnie saw that Sammi had met him at the club and was grinding with other guys. Ronnie then completely snapped, and when he returned to the house with Mike, he resumed where he left off in breaking Sammi’s plastic drawers and ripping her clothes. Amid all the chaos, he broke her glasses. And when Sammi came home to find everything ruined, it wasn’t the overall destruction that bothered her. No, she took in that sight pretty casually as she nursed a cup of Ron Ron juice. What disturbed her the most were the broken lenses. She met Ron on the roof and told him what he did was not okay, and then packed what nothing she had left and went home to her mom. Ronnie went into the bathroom and cried. The lesson here is that in a fit of rage against your naturally straight-haired girlfriend, break the curlers first.
6. Moms drunk dial, too.
The incidence of Ronnie’s mom drunk dialing the house was a high point in this season. Obviously it was great to watch Ronnie hear that his relationship sucks from someone who doesn’t even live in the house, but it was even better because it confirmed what we hoped for, which was that MTV producers are not responsible for creating these life-sized Furbies. No matter how fake they appear to be, Snooki, Jenni, Sammi, Deena, Vinny, Pauly, Ronnie and Mike are exact replicas of real people – their parents.
7. Make out with the right person. Not their cousin.
When Snooki realized she was not going to be able to smush with the guy she wanted to because she had already hooked up with his friend’s cousin, all the guys had found out about it and began ignoring her. It was demoralizing for our poor Snooks, but she should have considered how small the Jersey Shore is if the Shore Store doesn’t even order its t-shirts in bulk and instead, irons on its graphics.
What club doesn’t have a bathroom on the second floor? Apparently the ones in Seaside don’t, which means if you can’t make it safely to the restroom that’s downstairs without running into your roommate’s Israeli stalker, it’s okay to act like you are following a trail of rat droppings and relieve yourself when you’re pretending to examine something that could either be a poop or a tuxedo condom. Jenni introduced us to this concept when she peed behind a bar that wasn’t being used, and Snooki furthered our education when she peed in a potted plant.
