‘Pretty Little Liars’ Recap: Bad Lies, Bad Hats, Bad Drugs

Pretty Little LiarsHI, EVERYONE! WE’RE BACK! I hope you all had a great Fourth of July, and I hope your Third of July evening was not ruined when you realized that PLL was marathon-ing without new secrets. Marathons are fun, but not as fun as new episodes. Obviously. The top of the episode, as always, recaps what happened: The cops are investigating the lake house, arresting the Liars maybe/probably not, etc etc. Spencer can’t brush the back of her head because her neck hurts, and that probably explains why her hair has looked a little rough. Garrett’s Mom is seen getting taken away in an ambulance, and Aria spots someone in a black hoodie hiding in the trees. Probably a young night jogger!

Aria and Ezra are walking around town and look like they’ve come from church. I am guessing that they did not come from church because God probably frowns on a high schooler dating her English teacher. Aria buys sandwiches for Ezra, which is wrong because Aria is 18 and Ezra is 33(?). I made 33 up. Ezra gets mad, understandably. The fact that they are still figuring out the young-old thing is kind of weird. That lovers’ quarrel is upset when Aria spots Lucas banging on the window of a shop and screaming, which you cannot do in the middle of the day. Especially when people get murdered in your hometown a lot.

Emily wants to take Paige, her old lesbian swimming girlfriend/stalker, to see the new Katy Perry movie! PLL is keeping it really recent and relevant. Emily even makes a joke about fireworks. Emily already has tickets. Paige has big ugly hoop earrings and long ugly hair… Suddenly, JENNA shows up. Jenna has been gone for three weeks and I have missed her beautiful sans-sunglasses face! Jenna told everyone she can see and is looking like a hot bitch. She will have a boyfriend soon.

Hanna was the center of the universe last week, and she is still on top this week. That means she is a mess but still witty as hell. Hanna is so sad from Caleb, which manifests itself in Hanna wearing yoga clothes everywhere. Porn Star Mom makes Hanna sign up to sort clothes for charity at the local church. Biggest question: Porn Star Mom goes to church? Hanna says that she hates old clothes and only likes new clothes. Hanna skips school by standing outside for three seconds to trick Porn Star Mom, and then strolling back into the house. Hanna. HANNA! Beautiful work.

The Garrett Saga continues! Garrett is getting out of jail for a little to see his mother in a coma, and Spencer delivers the info. Very sad news. Emily starts screaming about how unfair and devious his seems, and Emily never screams about anything, so this is big. Jenna is passing around envelopes during high school recess, so the Garrett conversation is cut short. Jenna loves to interrupt. Jenna is passing out invites to her birthday party, but Spencer guesses they are full of anthrax.

NEXT: “You used to be a much better liar.”

Jenna is having her party at Emily’s coffee shop, because Emily’s coffee shop is suddenly huge. Emily looks skinny this episode! Go Emily! I think it is ‘cause she cut out the alcohol abuse, which happened pretty quickly and without pain. LAUREL is a photographer taking pictures of Jenna’s party, and Laurel owns the photography shop that Lucas was banging on; Lucas stole things while working for Laurel. Lucas is such a bad boy. Laurel says, “Note to self: Don’t hire a thief!” That is not as good as the classic Valerie Cherish line, “Note to self: After a long day at work, I don’t wanna see that!” I hope PLL was making an explicit reference. Emily is forced to work Jenna’s party, even though Emily was trying to avoid the party at all costs. Emily has to see Katy Perry NEXT weekend since she is working Jenna’s party, which is awful. That is probably why the Katy Perry movie kind of bombed at the box office during its opening week. Sexual tension brews while Paige tries to help Emily put on a clip-on tie, which I could accomplish on my own at age five for Easter Sunday. Paige finds Emily’s old flask from her drinking days (we get a fantastic fuzzy flashback to the opening scene from the Season 3 premiere), and gifts it to Paige. Paige is bringing it to Jenna’s party. Let’s get rowdy, Paige.

Some random tidbits sprinkled throughout: Spencer tries to hack her mother’s email, which seems dumb; I THINK Jenna asks Nate (Maya’s cousin) to draw her naked when they meet cute in everyone’s favorite new Rosewood coffee spot; everyone grills Hanna over her new yoga attire; Porn Star Mom (HER NAME IS ASHLEY) meets Ted at the church clothing drive. They are definitely going to sleep together but then Ted makes an uncomfortable joke about sharing cookies and getting married.

Ezra gets an old camera for Aria, which seems to alleviate all of the food drama from the beginning of this episode. I think this is supposed to be a sign that his finances are fine, and Aria should not worry. There is a lot of photography talk this episode, which is maybe trying to say something about how we perceive other people or just maybe everyone loves pictures! Tag the Liars on Facebook! There was also a lot of weird music this episode, which keeps making me think that someone will die but instead they get gifts like old cameras.

Garrett solemnly picks out flowers at the hospital while Spencer spies. Spencer is looking super creepy and suspicious and skinny and has good hair hiding in the jail/hospital. There have been a lot of gross white walls under florescent lights this season, which I find really spooky (and to reference Buffy, as I like to do once every recap: SEASON 5’S HOSPITAL). The cop notices Spencer and yells at her, saying, “You used to be a much better LIAR.” Quote of the episode/season/world, because Spencer might really be losing her edge.

NEXT: This is a worse Goodwill nightmare than the time I found a roach in a box of hats.

As Hanna works the church clothing drive and Jenna’s party kicks into high gear, things get ugly. Hanna tries to steal a jacket from the church drive; my internal monologue here/the words I actually screamed out lout at the television: SHE IS THE WORST THIEF IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING! SHE USED TO BE LIKE A PROFESSIONAL SHOPLIFTER! Hanna is caught, and Hanna must pay cash. However, Hanna reveals in a voicemail that the box of jackets is full of clothes the Liars were wearing the night of the scary grave digging. Someone stole this stuff. This is a worse Goodwill nightmare than the time I found a roach in a box of hats.

Jenna’s party is an ugly hat party and/or Mad Hatter themed. It is ugly and kind of overwhelming and the coffee shop is 8x bigger than it was earlier that day. Paige is freaking out over the Emily lesbian tensions so she decides to spike her drink with Emily’s flask. Across the room, ARIA AND EZRA DID NOT WEAR HATS, but Aria is only at the party to ruin Laurel’s evening and find Lucas’ stuff that he “left” in her photography shop.

Toby, the werewolf boyfriend, shows up for Spencer after she is thrown out of the jail and still will not go to Jenna’s party. He shows up out of nowhere and does nothing. They kiss a lot. Boring.

Back to the party, after that super necessary Toby break, Paige is freaking out and getting super drunk. Paige is a mess. Paige says, “No, I’m not drunk. I’m hungry. And your cupcakes taste like old pennies.” Saying you are not drunk but you are hungry is basic lingo for being blacked out. Paige falls her hits her head, so Emily has take Paige to the hospital. The Liars & Co. love to use alcohol to make parties not only ridiculous but true trainwrecks.

Aria is sneaky and being really smart this episode. Plus, her hair looks cute! She spills tea all over Laurel’s memory cards so she can sneak into the photography studio and take some of Lucas’ stuff. Aria is The Smartest Liar this episode, which is an award I love to give out. Lucas shows up because he is a tiny little bad boy. Aria is scared of Lucas, but Aria could definitely beat Lucas up. Lucas is thwarted when Ezra saves the day! Ezra deserves a modern-day superhero spin-off on The CW.

PLL pulls all the big twists at the end of the episode, which brings all the big screams from my couch. Paige, in the hospital for the drunk head wound, finds out that someone spiked her drink with a scary drug. A drug called Melzipan? That sounds fictional and I think I am spelling it right and nothing appears on Google. EMILY’S FLASK WAS SPIKED WITH THE DRUG. Emily’s face looks not pleased because she obviously keeps this secret from Paige. I hope Paige goes psycho later this season. Veronica Mars already pulled the best twists surrounding scary spiked drinks so PLL should kind of avoid this territory…

NEXT: “April Rose has the proof.”

Elsewhere in the hospital, Spencer sneaks into the room for Garrett’s comatose mother. Garrett wrote a note to his Mom, a sweet note to go with his hospital flowers. However, attached to the note is a little sliver: “APRIL ROSE HAS THE PROOF.” What does that mean? April Rose? Is that an actual porn star, unlike Ashley/Hanna’s Mom/Porn Star Mom? A Batman villain?

Melzipan, the drug in Emily’s flask, is given to aggressive patients and inmates. It causes MEMORY LOSS. Emily was clearly drugged on the night in Jenna’s evil blue car. Emily makes this discovery on WebMD, which means she’ll keep searching regarding her other bodily ailments and discover she is dying for 93 different diseases. Emily makes this bad drug discovery on the phone with Aria, and Aria discovers Melizapan (MZM) in the stuff Lucas left at the photo shop. Boom.

Did Lucas drug Emily? Did Lucas get the drugs from Mona? A, at the end of the episode, is shown digging through Maya’s old purse — do we still have a bunch of secrets to uncover about Maya? What kind of pictures will Aria take with her new camera? What kind of other weird parties will Jenna throw now that she can see? When will a rival coffee shop pop up in Rosewood? When will Spencer borrow Emily’s clip-on tie for a crazy cafeteria ensemble? Am I asking too many questions? Should I shut up now? I missed this show so much last week. This show makes me so happy. Don’t put scary drugs in your flasks this weekend.

[Image Credit: ABC Family]


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