When looking back at this season of the Real Crustaceans of Booty Popping Reef, we will wonder what happened. Well, I can tell you exactly what happened. Kernya Moo-ah happened. That is pretty much it.
A bunch of women moved, Kim quit, and then Kernya Moo-ah continued her existence on this earth, unleasing a Pandora’s box (that is not a computer that plays Pandora) of psychosis out into the world. That is all that happened and that is all that continues to happen.
We start off the evening with the aftermath to Portia and Kernya’s stupid fight from last week where, well, I’m still not sure what happened. Basically Portia called Kernya an old tramp and Kernya called Portia irrelevant. (PS–If she’s really irrelevant, why would you even bother fighting with her?)
Kernya storms off to her room to fume about everything and seemingly hold her face together with her hand. What was Kernya doing with her head? She was holding one hand up to her temple and walking around and recounting the events to Walter, but it never explained why her hand was there. Was she on the phone? Did she call the Drama Police to try to come and arrest Portia for starting drama? Was her mask about to fall off and we would all see that, underneath, Kernya Moo-ah is really an alien squid that is trying to take over the world from the body of a beauty queen? I don’t know.
She not only looked ridiculous, but she was saying some ridiculous things too. She said that as the second black Miss USA, she is a part of history. I’m sorry, but being the second black Miss USA is sort of like getting a silver medal in rhythmic gymnastics. Sure, you’re written down on the list of people somewhere, but it’s not like people are going to start naming holidays after you.
Then she compares herself to Bill Clinton, the first fake black president, and Barack Obama, the first real black president. Yup, that’s exactly it. I can’t wait for my children to one day attend Kernya Moo-ah Elementary School, because her achievements winning a second-rate beauty pageant in the early ’90s are sure going to start inspiring people to dedicate all sorts of things to her.
Also, Kernya once again intoned the name of Gone with the Wind to invoke her place in history.
What does this movie have to do with Kernya’s significance? Is it because the first black woman to win an Oscar was in it? I bet it’s because it is about history and Kernya thinks she too is about history. Or maybe she sees herself in one of the roles. She probably thinks she’s Scarlet O’Hara, but she’s really that prostitute who helps out Ashley.
The funny thing is, I think Kernya really believes all this. I think she thinks that she is this important. That is just crazy. I know that I’m only the second best Real Housewives recapper, but I don’t think that’s even going to get me a free sample from Kim’s wig line (if the damn thing ever comes out). But Kernya, no, she thinks that she deserves some sort of recognition for all of her achievements. Guess what, Kernya, you’re getting that recognition. It’s called being on this damn show. Enjoy it.
Then, in the morning, Kernya gathers up all the women and apologizes for things getting out of hand the night before, but it’s one of those apologizes that is really just trying to level Portia. “I’m so sorry that I was rude last night, but this bitch came at me and, well, what did you expect me to do? So, yeah, I did it. Sorries!”
And no one was having it. Even NeNe was like “This means nothing, Kernya apologized and Portia accepted it, but it don’t mean nothing.” Nope, it sure doesn’t, NeNe.
That’s the crazy thing about Kernya Moo-ah (oh, if I could figure out the one thing that makes her crazy, I could make a billion dollars selling self-help books).
I don’t know if it’s being involved in pageants for so long, but Kernya will smile at you and do what is nominally the right thing while simultaneously taking a big fat dump on your shoe. The same thing happens to Cynthia.
They’re at this crazy lunch where they’re sitting on some wooden platform in the ocean and are threatened with being swept away with the undertoe at any second. But you can’t even focus on that, because the real force of nature is Kernya Moore’s crazy.
She gives Cynthia a gift for organizing the trip, and it’s a signed copy of Vanessa Williams’ book. Kernya explains that Vanessa Williams is her idol (even though she was Miss America and not Miss USA, but whatever) and so it seems like it would be a very sweet gesture.
But it is not a sweet gesture. It’s like that joke gum that once you put it in your mouth turns to ink and stains your teeth. Kernya also explains that she is giving Cynthia the book because she didn’t know that Vanessa Williams is 10 years older than her and there is no way Kernya was that old, so this is a way that Cynthia can educate herself about Vanessa Williams.
Cynthia, because she is smart, sees this as a turd with a bow on it and then she just tosses this book in the surf where it will eventually wash up on a desolate island somewhere in the Caribbean and the indigenous people will one day worship Vanessa Williams as a goddess (as everyone very well should).
After lunch, Cynthia takes this as a time to rehash their last fight at the Bailey School for Wayward Girls and Delicious Pancake Buffet.
She tells Kernya that when you come into her space you have to respect her rules and that she shouldn’t crush the dreams of the girls in public at an open call. That is very right.
Kernya says, “Let me tell you a story about Maurice. He was one of the judges at the Miss Michigan pageant and he was the owner of a chain of dry cleaning stores all throughout the Detroit area.
He also did all the flower arrangements for the pageant and was gayer than a three-dollar goose on Christmas. I showed up the first time to try to win so I could go on to be Miss USA and he saw my sequined dress and my tits all hanging out of my swimsuit and he took me aside and said, ‘Girrrrrlllll. You could totally win this, but your look is busted. Why you got on all those sequins? Why your titties all up in here. This isn’t the Purple Parrot. You’re not working your booty for dollars. This is Miss Michigan. If you want to be a part of history, hunty, then you better get some new clothes.’ And I was just trying to do the same to her. I was trying to help. And that girl, who I accused of having a coochie crack, she emailed me and said, ‘Kernya, thank you for humiliating me in public. Now I know not to show my coochie crack.’ See, I was being helpful.”
OK, Kernya, you were not. You were not even trying to do that, and trying to mask your picking on this woman and then causing a fight with one of the employees of the Cynthia Bailey Detective Agency and Home for the Blind was not at all helping. That was you being an awful person in public and then trying to find some rationale for it later.
Cynthia calls her out on it and tells Kernya that she was being awful and Kernya, knowing she has no defense falls down in to the sand and starts rolling around. I thought at first this was the Speed Demon that posseses her soul trying to take over and come out.
I thought Kernya was trying to speak in tongues or something and channel the good Lord to apologize for everything she did to Cynthia. But it was not. It was just her trying to distract everyone from her insanity and make it seem like she’s a fun girl. She is not.
And her acting insane doesn’t mean that the allegations alleged against her are allegedly wrong. They are usually right, and she needs to hear how wrong she is, no matter how many conversations she tries to end by acting insane.
Now, finally, we have to talk about Kernya’s fight with Walter. Her insistence to get married, even worse than being crazy, is annoying. She just needs to shut up about getting married, especially because Walter doesn’t want to.
When Walter tells everyone, repeatedly, that it’s not going to happen, Kernya gets all mad and leaves the table. Walter follows her to explain that he said that eloping might be a good idea and they would see what happened, but she can’t get all mad that she’s not getting married before leaving the island. It’s like getting pissed off at your best friend because he said if he wins the lotto he would take you to Paris and he didn’t win the Powerball and still hasn’t booked the tickets.
Walter’s being stern, but she accuses him of yelling. Excuse me? Crazy Kernya Moo-ah, who yells at everyone, who lies to her boyfriend, who totally makes things up so that she can seem fancy, is trying to school even-keeled Walter because he tried to snap her out of her fantasy land? Oh please. This was all so dumb. That’s the problem with Kernya (one of millions) is that her crazy isn’t even that interesting. It’s just, well, bonkers.
So Walt goes back to dinner and Kernya goes out on the front lawn to cry under a street light, her tears hitting the ground like soft dollops of dew. The sound of the ocean is beating somewhere off in the distance and Kernya, well, she can only think about how she was wronged. She can only think about putting back on her smile and heading back into that dinner party and pretending like she doesn’t want to get married. But she can’t. They’ve won.
All the people who said you can’t force a man to marry you by dint of insistence. They’ve all won. A she, once again, is a loser.
Eventually Pheadra will come out and say, in her special way, “Everybody knows the only person who wants a husband is someone who never had one, because they aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.” Eventually she will hug her and walk her back inside and she will sit back down and they’ll all say their goodbyes to this island and get back to Atlanta.
Eventually. But right now it’s just Kernya and her tears, it’s just the glow of the street light casting her long shadow on the grass, it’s just the gradient hum of the ocean coming in and out, never stopping, never getting better, never being right, never having to say its wrong.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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