‘Real Housewives of OC’ Recap: Brunchtime Brawlers


Hello, ladies and gentleman, welcome to the Real Housewives Institute. I’ll be your host, Dame Brian Moylan. Before we start talking about last night’s episode of Real Bandersnatches of Coochie Cutter County let us all take a moment to stare at the great face of Vicki, the Lady of Gunvalson. This is Vicki’s real face. This is the face that hides behind the hair and makeup teams, this is the face that lurks below the whoo-hoo’s and the stern rebukes, this is the face that she takes to bed at night and the face that is on the ever aging painting that she has ferreted away in her attic somewhere in a gated community. Behold the true, true face of the Gunvalson.

Vicki didn’t do much this week, other than make this contorted pig monster mask with her own flesh. She greeted Brooks at her office and was like, “What are you doing here?” And he said, “Oh, I’m bringing you coffee and casing the joint. Where do you keep the safe? How much do you have here in assets?” “Oh, the safe is in my office behind a picture of me winning an award for the insurance broker of the year and I keep about $50K in cash in it. And there’s some change in the cookie jar at the secretary’s desk.” That is what happened, because Brooks, need I remind you, is a grifter. Vicki recapped her fight with Brianna and tells Brooks, “Brianna told me what she thought about me last night.” Vicki, did you experience the same fight we did? Brianna, for some strange reason that must do with biological imperative rather than logic, loves you. She told you what she thought about Brooks, the Conman from Calloway County. She still loves you, she just hates your boyfriend. That is why Vicki has that face, because she makes everything about her own damn self.

After Brooks leaves with a painting wrapped in a tarp and his pants stuffed like a scarecrow full of the cash from Vicki’s emergency fund in her safe, Vicki calls all the girls and invites them for a “girl’s weekend” to Costa Rico. Here is the entry on Costa Rico from the Alexispedia, the website of knowledge written by Alexis Bellino. “Costa Rico is is Mexico, so it is South from where I am always, unless I am in Brazil, which is where I go every six weeks when I get waxed. Then it is, what’s the word for up? It’s up. Costa Rico was created by my lord and Savior Jesus Christ when he created the whole world out of clay while he and his daddy were working on a class project together. Costa Rico is very pretty and my friend Vicki said that there are monkeys there. Monkeys are people who didn’t find god and shriveled up into shrieking meanies that are covered in devil’s fur. Costa Rico is a territory of the United States of America, God’s favorite country. It should become a state because they don’t pay for taxes and then all of my money goes to all these Costa Ricans on welfare. Why can’t they just find jobs? I have looked into cosmetic procedures in Costa Rico, and they are very inexpensive.”

So, that’s all we need to know about the trip for now. Thanks so much Alexispedia. Here is the entry about Alexis Bellino from the Dame Moylanapedia. “After God rested on the seventh day, he woke up and was lonely. He decided to make a man. He shaped him out of clay and breathed life into him. But after about six hours, the man was horny, so God took two of his ribs and some more clay and made woman. While they were fucking, God picked up all the extra clay that was just laying around the riverbank and created a sex doll for Adam with a little head, a crooked nose (don’t worry, that can be fixed), and boobs even bigger than her head. Then, when Adam’s wife was done getting drilled, she queefed life into this pile of tits and it gained life. It was named Alexis Bellino, the first and only of her kind.”

Yes, Alexis is such a freaking queefsleeve (that is an insult I just created, but will be using often). She had a stupid photoshoot for her Alexis Couture line that she says is going to be on red carpets everywhere and that all the stars are going to be wearing it. Do you really believe that, Alexis? Do you really think that is true? No stylist on God’s green riverbank of sex is going to put one of your dresses on the famous back of a celebrity. Can you imagine Academy Award nominee Saoirse Ronan telling Ryan Seacrest she is wearing, “Alexis Couture?” No, you can not, because it is not even possible.

Then, and then, Alexis calls Tamra to one of these confrontation lunches at J’Accuse, a French restaurant in a strip mall in Seal Beach. I don’t get these lunches, but all of you who visit the Real Housewives Institute on a regular basis know them. It is a meal where one Screechmonkey confronts another Screechmonkey about why she doesn’t like her or something that happened or some fight they just had. The thing I really don’t understand is how do they work? Does anyone order food? Are there waiters involved? Who pays the check, because one of the women always walks away in a huff leaving the other one there with a half eaten plate of grilled salmon and steamed vegetables and the check. These lunches never go well and I don’t know why the women agree to go on them, because as soon as they show up they should know that it’s going to end in a big old brawl.