S15:E8 Last night on The Bachelor, Brad visited the remaining four girls’ hometowns and tried to see if there were any skeletons in any of their closets (whether or not we’re to assume these were their childhood homes was unclear). This, of course, varied in degree of difficulty, as Chantal O’s parents house was gigantic and Brad was too intimidated to do any real snooping because they were the type of people who spent most of their money on making their closets and refrigerators look hidden and just like parts of the wall that can only be opened when pushed on. Ashley’s house was normal so it was easy for Brad to see where the closets were, but he was too taken aback by her sister, who had tattoos (literally) on her chest that peeked up over the neckline of her shirt. (Maybe that was enough of a skeleton for him to make him stop looking.) Shawntel’s skeletons were also pretty apparent, as Brad saw when she took him to the crematorium where she worked. And as for Emily’s skeletons, Brad already knew she had a daughter…but he didn’t know how much she wasn’t going to look like Emily.
If they don’t like you, you’re out. – Chantal
The first place Brad went was Seattle, where Chantal’s family lived. She chose to meet him in a very scenic place (right by the water), which was perfect because then she told him how much her parents’ opinions meant to her and that if they didn’t like Brad, he was not an option for her anymore. Then they sat down and talked about all the shit they’ve always talked about, which was how much they miss each other and how beautiful the water looks when it’s lined up with the sky. Then Chantal revealed her living situation, which is in a house that’s four streets away from her parents’ house, and that she has two cats and one dog in her own little place. After Brad met all of Chantal’s pets and realized that he would need to buy a bigger place (apparently because the Pomeranian requires closet space), they headed over to her parents’ house WHICH IS GIGAAAAAAAAANTIC, with pillars, parallel staircases, and adjacent rugs big enough to wrap Tony Soprano himself in. After dinner, Brad met up with Chantal’s father, who escorted Brad outside and pointed to a STAAAAATUE outside in the driveway that was of a man who was cutting himself out of a block of rock, which OBVIOUSLY was to alert all the other rich people who were up there in the sky taking their helicopter flying lessons that Chantal’s dad made his own money and didn’t inherit anything. When the contest of who could look like a bigger asshole without putting on one of Brad’s Newsies hats ended, the two of them bonded over their careers of working with bricks (I think), and were good to go when Chantal’s dad told Brad that he had their blessing if he proposed to his daughter.
You pay in the box. Isn’t that great? – Ashley
Brad’s next stop was to the most northern point in Maine, where Ashley was from. After greeting each other, Ashley took Brad into the restaurant where she worked behind the bar in high school because she thought it would be sooooooooo cute to show him where her obsession of making sure her bra straps were thicker than the spaghetti straps of her tank tops came from. No, just kidding. She wanted to show him where her bulimia started! She did this by ordering putsin, which consisted of French fries, gravy, and cheese. After they finished talking about how much time they’ve wasted reassuring each other, they went to pick up some ingredients for dinner. They went to what I believe was a roadside market, which wasn’t manned by anyone so after they collected all the things they wanted (like lettuce, carrots, and blah blah), they had to calculate how much money they owed and drop it in a box that said “pay here. this isn’t free.” Then they went over to Ashley’s house, and she greeted her family members with such enthusiasm that you could tell she almost never, ever, ever goes back there and doesn’t give two shits as to whether or not the bow she put on the porch when she was 5 has made it through another winter. The usual chatting ensued over lobster, and after Brad told Ashley’s family of how he picked her up when he first met her, Brad and Ashley’s dad went into the garage to talk about how roomy a pair of Wrangler jeans can be. HA! No, but something interesting did happen – Brad asked if Ashley was ready to settle down and if the prospect of having kids intimidated her, and Ashley’s father said he didn’t know, and that Brad should be aware that Ashley is on her own path and even if she’s with Brad, she’s going to do what she wants to do and not what some guy who assumes the dresscode in Maine is plaid so he puts on a plaid shirt wants her to do. At the end of the visit, Ashley said she was beginning to think Brad was the one and Brad was worried that a relationship was going to hold Ashley back.
When you die, like, do you want to be cremated? – Shawntel
Brad’s next visit was to Chico, California, to see Shawntel’s way of life. This was the visit that Brad found to be the most unnerving, as Shawntel is a funeral director, which means that she can probably put some Splenda into a cup of coffee while she embalms someone or closes your grandmother into the crematory. Brad already knew of Shawntel’s profession, and up until this point he had tried to put it out of his head. But he couldn’t quite hide from it anymore once his driver pulled up to Shawntel’s crematorium, where inside, she was telling the cameras how well she treats “her families” and trying to figure out why “people are so scared of death” and how “this will be the ultimate test” for their relationship. When Brad walked inside, Shawntel explained to him that a crypt consists of two caskets, and that if he wanted to be buried with her, here was the cubby where people could come by and place flowers in his memory. Then, Shawntel showed him the green and red buttons that she pushes to cremate someone, and then she had him lie down on the table where she did all her embalming and introduced him to all the instruments she uses to do so. When they left the facility they went to Shawntel’s house, where things went south even further. Shawntel told her father of the possibility that she would move to Austin with Brad, which meant that her father would have to find someone else to replace him in the crematorium when he retired. This was Shawntel’s father’s worst nightmare, as he was probably planning on retiring tomorrow and was really looking forward to having the hairs in his nose finally growing back. So instead of talking to Brad, Shawntel’s father sat down with his daughter and talked to her about how much their community would miss her if she were to leave. Shawntel sat there calmly instead of freaking out like “OMG YOU WANT ME TO BE A FUNERAL DIRECTOR FOREVER, DON’T YOU STALIN!” but instead, was all like, “I love him and I want to be with him.” Somewhat way too easily, Shawntel’s father was convinced into giving his daughter and her boyfriend his blessing for marriage, which Brad probably thought he had earned a long time ago when he lay down on the embalming table and listened to a lecture on the different types of incisions.
She’s a tough crowd. – Emily
The last visit Brad made was to Emily’s house in North Carolina. But first, we saw Emily be reunited with her daughter, Ricky, which was very sweet. Emily explained that the same way Ricky goes to school and makes new friends is the same way that her mommy went away to California on a reality show and met new friends too! Then, over walked Brad with a present that was the size of a javelin, which Ricky was not very interested in and instead of receiving it, she hid behind her mother. But once Brad sat down on the ground, Ricky took the present, opened what was a butterfly kite, and held it in her hands even less willingly than if it was a crowbar. After lunch, Brad helped Ricky fly the kite and she laughed a few times, which proved that she was, in fact, human. When the three went back to Emily’s house, they played board games in Ricky’s gigantic room that had a pink and a large ass house in it, which must be Ricky’s energy sources because all of a sudden, she pulled out a drawing of the kite that Brad gave her and presented it to him as a gift. Once Ricky was in bed, Brad and Emily went downstairs and Brad got awkward because he didn’t feel like he was capable of showing Emily how he cared for her with Ricky sleeping upstairs. Emily said Ricky would always be upstairs (which, to her credit, is an excellent point), but Brad just couldn’t wrap his head around it and eventually said he just wanted to leave. Emily showed him the door, but insisted he kiss her before he departed, which he did, because there’s no better way to practice for marriage than making your partner kiss you before they can do what they want to do.
The elimination ceremony took place in NYC, but instead of a cocktail party, Brad sat down with Chris Harrison and relived all the moments of the past week. Then came the tough part of Brad choosing the final three women. Personally, I thought Brad was going to eliminate Ashley, as her father hinted that his daughter was going to be much more devoted to her own career than to starting a family. But Brad kept her. He also kept Emily, which was obvious. So between Chantal O and Shawntel, the decision of who to keep was a rather easy one to make, as it basically boiled down to “whose casual dinner conversation would revolve around who died today?” So Brad kept Chantal O and sent Shawntel back to her hometown, where she could continue to search for the perfect someone to occupy the other spot in the crypt she had already picked out for herself.
