‘The Bachelor’: Week 1 Recap

S15:E1 Brad Womack’s second round as the Bachelor began last night, and I hope you’re ready for a season of empty promises made in helicopters and Wrangler jeans, because that’s what we’ve got lined up! SURPRISE! I can already say that the beauty about this season is that the entire time, the lighting is going to be exquisite. It’s going to be like the producers are curators at the fucking MoMA, and they’re not going to spare any expense in terms of lighting Brad so they demonstrate he’s a changed man and that all the blogs were wrong in calling him a selfish jerk when he walked away from Deanna and Jenni during the show’s 11th season. For instance, in the beginning of the episode where cameras went inside his rental home and watched him eating cereal and looking at pie graphs that depicted the occupancy of lumberyards or something, the light outside his window goes from light to dark in 4 seconds flat to convey that he’s been in front of his computer all day! It is so magnificently and finely controlled that this season of The Bachelor is well aware of how it has to step up and prove it’s mission of love. And do you know what that means? It means champagne served in elephant trunks and trips to South Africa, I think!

But that’s a long ways away. The first hour we heard marathon stories about how Brad’s a changed man because of a therapist he’s been seeing. Then he met the thirty women who were recommended to ABC by their breast augmentation specialists. There were a few that stuck out for other reasons though, like Chantal, who walked right up to Brad and slapped him on behalf of every woman in America because of what happened when he was on the show the first time. There was another girl, Madison, who had fangs that Brad incorrectly interpreted as a mysterious trait, and Sarah P., who made Brad get down on one knee and ask her to marry him to prove to her that he could, in fact, propose to someone. Britt gave him chocolates, another one smartly told him it was her birthday, and Marissa insisted her life revolved around sports just in case he enjoys being emasculated. Everyone else was your typical lady on The Bachelor — neck tattoos, boobs on the next ferry to the chin, and legs that had residual ink from the neck tattoos on them.

After Brad met everyone outside the mansion, he gave the women the chance to leave the competition if they weren’t going to be able to get over his past. Obviously no one left because they’re all already in love with him. Then he spent the cocktail hour separating the ladies who watched him the first time he was on The Bachelor from the women who had no idea who he was. Between fielding questions about the kind of therapy he went through over the last three years that helped him realize that walking away from both Deanna and Jenni was even more wrong than Leighton Meester leaving Gossip Girl, he got his wrist waxed by Raichel (WHICH WAS AWESOME, CAN I SAY THAT? BECAUSE IT’S SO PAINFUL AND MEN NEED TO GET THEIR SHIT TOGETHER AND UNDERSTAND THAT), was asked by Alli if he could handle a girl with a big ass because her last boyfriend broke up with her over her big ass, and a girl who told him she was ready to get married reminded him that she was still ready to get married even though he was talking to the other life rafts.

He spent a lot of one-on-one time with Ashley, the nanny from New York, who told him she wasn’t here to ask him any hard questions but rather, was there to be his friend and make him peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and take him to the museum when it rains outside. She ended up getting the First Impression Rose because she squeezed his ass when she first met him and because she looked like the type of person who, if he helped her put the fitted sheet on the bed, would let him have three spoonfuls of Nutella.

But then the time came to send home ten women. It’s hard to go through the people who got eliminated because there’s no point in highlighting them, since they’re gone. However, I can say that Brad kept the girl who hit him, the girl who made him get down on one knee and propose to him, the girl with the fangs, the chef, the sports fanatic, THE GIRL WHO WAXED HIS ARM, the Radio City Rockette who was too boring to introduce before, and the dentist who was also too boring to highlight before.

The last five minutes of the show were dedicated towards previewing the season that lies ahead. We see Brad and the women go places like South Africa and Costa Rica, and in one of those places, Brad walks away from an explosion even though he is decidedly not a cool guy. The women start to come around a bit when they begin referring to him as “a grown-up” and “an amazing man.” However, they could all just have inner ear infections. If it can affect your walking, it can surely make you believe you’re destined to be with a man who finds a woman with fangs “mysterious” and who has a team of digital experts are at the ready to insert a bunch of thunderclouds in the backdrop behind him.