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‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’ Recap: Welcome to the District

  ‘The Real Housewives of D.C.’: Welcome to the District

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S1:E1 Last night was the premiere of The Real Housewives of D.C., and it solidified Bravo’s dedication towards showing us what good wives are like: they argue Bush was a better president than Obama, install fingerprint locks on their closets, and criticize each other for the way their bodies do not adequately represent what “food intake” is.

Nothing really happened last night. Most of the episode was spent introducing us to the women – only one of which I like very much. Her name is Stacie, and she was born and raised in D.C. She went to Harvard and is now a multi-million dollar real estate agent and was BFFs with President Obama before he moved on up to the White House. She pointed out that living in the suburbs of D.C. is very different than living in DC, and I agree because I always hate it when people from Long Island say they live in NYC, and I know people who live in Chicago hate it when people say they live in Chicago, but receive their Zappos.com deliveries in Oak Park. Stacie’s a tough cookie. She has two kids, a nice husband, and likes Tyra Banks – her report card so far is quite solid.

Then we met Mary, who doesn’t do anything besides mother five children, coach her husband on how to wear pastel-colored pants, and endlessly talk about she’s the granddaughter of Aurthur Godfrey (who?) and the days she spent peeing in the Kennedy’s pool. She’s good but not great – kind of like mushroom soup. She’s the one who put a fingerprint lock on her door, which as someone’s daughter, I don’t appreciate.

Next was Lynda, who owns D.C.’s top modeling agency and who dates a tall handsome black man named Ebong. Those were the only two things I found interesting about her. I hope she can do better than that later on in the season.

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Cat is British, and just moved to D.C. with her two children be with her new husband, who’s a photographer at the White House. She occasionally models for him when she’s not putting the finishing touches on her book, called “Inbox Full.” I’m surprised her publisher didn’t tell her this was a bad title because if you have Goggle Mail, your inbox is never full and you can write as many emails about Joe Biden, the proper spelling of “color” and 8 carat bangle bracelets as you want. She’s the one who bashed President Obama and called Bush a genuine “class act,” and she essentially screwed herself out of these recaps because I will not stand for that.

Last but not least we met Michaele, who invented her own drug she uses in place of what normal people call “nutrients” and “fuel” to power herself through days of organizing polo matches, crashing White House dinners she wasn’t invited to, and staying in hotels when she’s in D.C. because it’s easier to do that than drive back to her mansion in Virginia’s wine country.

After we met everyone we saw Michaele and her husband, Tareq, at what appeared to be a charity polo match. Michaele described herself as a “motivator,” but not even the “motivators” I know (the cows and chickens outside Stew Leonard’s) are nearly as enthusiastic as she was – and they get free ice cream and get to pose with all the babies they want! Everyone thought Michaele was insane, because not even pigeons can be in that many places at once.

We also watched as Stacie had famed celebrity chef, Cheo, over to her house to teach the women how to cook a little better. But things quickly turned into a debate of how Bush was a better president and a better man than Barack Obama (trumpets, fireworks, kazoos, America!) is. Stacie and Cheo did not care for this one bit, and they wanted to tear her and her knickers apart because she’s British, what does she know! She comes from a monarchy!

I’m not sure there’ll be the knock down, drag out cat fights we saw in Atlanta and in New Jersey and in New York, but Bravo’s record is quite pristine in these matters and they generally know what they’re doing. I have high expectations for them. If the show will be anything like its predecessors, we’ll be well taken care of in the upcoming months.

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