March 19, 2013 1:52pm EST
The great thing about the Real Jell-O Shots of Dixie Cup Trailer Park is that there has always been some dramatic irony in the series – you always know how it's going to end before it even starts. During Season 1, we knew that the evil Camille Grammer (before her canonization as St. Camille) would get her comeuppance and that Kelsey Grammer would divorce her. In Season 2, which took a turn for the dark and tragic, we knew that Taylor Armstrong's (before she put on a black Victorian dress and became the Widow Armstrong) husband Russell would kill himself shortly after filming wrapped. This year we all thought it was going to be the year that Adrienne, the Queen of the Maloofs (a race of mole people that live under the mountain) would be getting a divorce. But now it's here, and we have been cheated.
We do know that Adrienne was attacked by the mole men she once controlled, and they ripped her limb from limb, sullying their hands not only with her gore, but with dark fake tanning solution that they will never rinse off. She is dead and she will never be heard from again. Not at the reunion, not on the next season, not even in the sale materials for her shoe, The Maloof Hoof, which is currently on sale for 75% off on lesser shoe deal websites across the Internet.
Yes, we thought we were going to see her and Paullo the Ape's relationship break down and shatter into a million bickering feuds, but we did not. We just heard about secondhand reports from Radar Online and TMZ saying that she confirmed that they split. (In fact, most of Lisa's housewarming party was spent standing around discussing stories that the women had read about each other on various websites and how true they are. Kyle thinks it is sad, but this is the life they lead. This is the life they chose, and now they're all stuck with it, a million glaring pixels pointing out their every flaw, surgery, or bathroom boink at Kyle's White Party.)
Anyway, we did not get to see the carnage of the divorce and for that, well, I am a little sad. I have a feeling it's coming in next week's finale, but they can't pack all that goodness into one episode. No, they can never.
But before we can talk about Adrienne's marriage falling apart, first we have to talk about her vodka party. We must never forget that Adrienne, when she was a Queen, was crowned in Las Vegas. Everything about her is Vegas. She is basically an over-stuffed faked Louis Cat-orze love seat sitting in the lobby of the Paris hotel. She is basically a fake canal filled with faux-gondoliers and Ty-D-Bol blue water at the Venetian. She is the roller coaster on top of New York New York. She is the sparkler that accompanies a $800 bottle of Grey Goose at Ghost Bar. She is the clown car parked out in front of Circus Circus. She is a nipple tassel at the Spearmint Rhino. She is the snap of the hooker flier a small Latino man makes before he pushes it into your palm. That is Adrienne, former queen of the Maloofs. May she rest in peace.
So, it should come as no surprise that she is launching a vodka called ZING!. No, wait. She is launching a red velvet cupcake flavored vodka called ZING! that comes in a bottle with a pink strobe light at the bottom. This party was a fantastic mess. First of all there was a wall of roses spelling out ZING! that was essentially a vodka glory hole, where liquor just appeared out of nowhere. I'm sure that Adrienne's gay party planner got this idea at a rest stop. Then there were all these models spray painted red velvet maroon with the word ZING! written all over them. Oh, and let's not forget the gorgeous people painted white who fooled only Fetch into thinking they were real statues. And the bartenders, mostly naked with topiary around their manscaped bits. Then there was the giant moving bush that looked like a Transformers robot made out of shrubbery and crawled in the same manner. There was also some girl jittering and glittering in the entry way, right after guests walked through a giant strobe-light vodka bottle. Oh, this thing was tackier than wallpaper covering wood paneling.
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All of this and they were serving all sorts of red velvet cupcakes that blinked with light. Everything blinked. Everything was illuminated (isn't that a book or something?), but no one at this party has seen the business end of a red velvet cupcake since the publication of The South Beach Diet in 2003. Seriously. And does Adrienne think this was going to do better than, for instance, her awful shoe line or, the other cupcake vodka that is already on the market or Skinny Girl Margaritas? Oh, Bethenny Frankel. She has ruined Housewives forever thinking they can replicate her success. She is the exception that proves the rule, not the rule itself.
At the party, we started to see the rift in the Paullo and Adrienne marriage, especially when she was ordering him around and telling him to do things, and he got all mad. Then he got himself spray painted like the rest of the help. ("This makes my fat disappear," he says. No, Paullo, it does not. You are still fat.) Then he climbed up in a tree and pretended to be, well, an ape. Adrienne smiled her Chesire Cat smile and tried to make a face of disapproval, but her plastic mug wouldn't move. She had to tell us that she is sick of Paullo being the center of attention, always being the dancing monkey trying to be on TV. Oh, it's so hard to be these two.
The only other thing that happened at Adrienne's party is that Fetch gathered all the girls around for a meeting of the We Hate Brandi Club and read them all a text message that Brandi sent her. "Do you know how you can fix your marriage? You and Dean should give each other a hall pass!" They all stood shocked and amazed. Fetch said her marriage didn't need any saving and she never talked to Brandi or anyone about her marriage. Wait, what? The only thing we know about Fetch is that she thinks her husband loves her more than she loves him and that she wants to sleep with other guys all the time. That is why Brandi sent that text, as a joke!
I've said it before and I'll say it again: no one on this show has a sense of humor, and they fundamentally don't understand Brandi. That is why Kyle, Fetch, TMC Faye Resnick, St. Camille, and Adrienne all sit around and talk about how awful Brandi is and how she will sleep with everyone's husband and she is an awful tramp. Brandi was joking! It was a joke. It might not have been a good joke or a funny joke, but just like when she said that she slept with everyone in Beverly Hills, it was not the truth. Lighten up, and for a change, I don't mean your skin tone.
Thankfully, Yolanda "Bananas" Foster was there to defend her. She did not back down, and told Fetch that she does talk about her marriage all the time and that if she has a problem with Brandi and what she said, she should bring it up to Brandi, not at this party behind her back where all the women can snake and sting about her while sipping some sickeningly sweet flavored vodka and wishing in their heart of hearts that there was just a nice glass of red around somewhere. Yolanda shut it all down, and for that I am grateful. I hate myself for liking her.
The other party we have to talk about, of course, is Lisa Vanderpump's housewarming/vow renewal/Dancing with the Stars cast announcement party. She was so stressed out about it that she had Brandi over so they could get massages. Lisa, if you need to relax, just spin around and look at that freaking view in your back yard that looks like it's the set of Heidi (the movie about the little girl in the Alps, not the madam from L.A.) or the opening of The Hills or something.
So, Lisa had her party planner Kevin Lee over, and we all laughed at him stripping down to his boxer briefs and wading in the pool so he could float out some flower arrangements. "Oh, what you scaring about, Lisa?" he asks in his exuberant broken English. And we all laugh, laugh, liggety laughed like he is not dressed as "Black and White" era Michael Jackson and visiting his gravestone.
The party started and everyone arrived. Lisa was wearing a long, black satin dress, as was Kim Richards, Fetch, and her mom (a satchel full of question marks for why she was even there). Does no one in Beverly Hills know how to dress for a day event? Sit right the hell back down, Kyle Richards, in your grey sequins (the dress that wasn't good enough for your store opening last week). You don't either. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick was there, wearing a green lace dress that looked like she found it in the window of the Exotic Video 2000 store on 8th Avenue somewhere in the 30s. The Widow Armstrong showed up with a gay on each arm in a gold dress that is somehow the exact same color as her face. She went into the bathroom and changed into her mourning garb and was never heard from again.
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Yolanda "Bananas" Foster was there, looking statuesque in white. God, I really do like her. Well, at least until she opened up her mouth and referred to her husband David Foster Wallace, who has been on more reality shows than Janice Dickinson and Simon Cowell combined, as her "king." After that, I just want to punch the smug right off her mouth. Seriously, YBF? Do you really believe that this man, who is trashier than a 46-year-old drinking a goldfish bowl cocktail at the wet T-shirt contest at the Booze 'N' Cruise in St. Pete on Spring Break Weekend, is "your king"? God, I hate that.
The party was filled with all sorts of odd characters like Linda Thompson, who brought apricot jam for Lisa because she is "so middle class." Yes, just like her ex-husband Bruce Jenner Kardashian and her son Brody Jenner. They are all middle class. They are all middle class and sold their souls to Ryan Seacrest for a production deal. And then there was Jennifer, Brandi's friend, who looks like a drag queen in the best possible way. She's not even a human, she is just a pile of fake lashes, flashy jewelry, lucite heels, and self tanner that was someone animated with gay sparkle magic. Oh, and let us not forget about DeeDee, who finally sees the light of day. Yes, St. Camille's greatest acolyte is there to protect her mistress and show her ever evolving love and devotion.
But the main event, of course, was in the final moments of the show. Yolanda and Brandi pulled Fetch over to talk to her about why she is upset with the text that Brandi sent. Fetch, like an amateur (which is why she will never happen) tried to play it off like it was no big deal, that she knew it was a joke and that she didn't think there was anything wrong with it. Then Yolanda piped up: "That's not what you were saying the other night." I love Bananas because she doesn't let anyone get away with their s***. She's calm, cold, and sober, so she has a much better memories than the rest of these tequila worms.
Across the party St. Camille, Kyle, and the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick saw the two women talking to Fetch. The exchange got a little heated, however not heated enough to result in a fight. Yolanda was keeping Fetch honest and Brandi wanted to know what her problem was and was saying that she hoped they could be friends. However, Faye said, "They're attacking [Fetch]." Kyle, who is wise to this world, said, "No, don't go over. Don't get involved. Let this happen." But Faye barged ahead, the mint green lace jaunting across the lawn and sidling up to the conversation.
Brandi, ever the diplomat, said, "You're not involved. You can go." As with so many of Brandi's pronouncements, it was the right sentiment but the wrong wording. Faye was not there to help. Faye was not there to offer a resolution, she was there to pour nitro on the glycerine and watch it explode. Brandi knew this, but could have been a bit more subtle. Faye, like a petulant child refused to leave. Things, of course, just escalated from there.
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God, I have said lots of things are the worst in my day – hang nails, Cheeto dust, Rachael Bilson, people who take too many pictures with the iPhones at concerts, when your DVR cuts off the last joke of a sitcom because it ran a moment over, cheese – but of all those things, of everything in the universe that is bad, the worst is really Faye Resnick. She is just an awful horrible human being and I would like to banish her to a black hole so that the chill of space will suffocate her for eternity and no sound will ever escape it. On that day, you won't hear screams in space, but you will hear cheers.
I think my biggest problem with Faye is that she is just leveling insults at Brandi for no reason. Brandi has never done anything to her. Brandi hardly even knows her (at least from what we can tell on the show). But Faye is just nasty to her becaues of things Brandi may or may not have done to her friends. Faye tells Brandi that, "No matter how many Chanels you borrow, you will never be a lady." Oh yeah, Faye. Since when do you know what a lady is? Since you posed for Playboy months after your best friend was murdered by her husband and then wrote a book about the whole thing to cash in on your pain? Who is the lady now? Faye makes all these judgments about Brandi, but doesn't even hold up to the smell test herself. (I bet she smells like wet dog and magazine pages.) She is cruel and condescending and absolutely horrible.
The worst part, of course, is that Faye accused Brandi to her face of something everyone has been muttering about her behind her back: that she is guilty of breaking up Adrienne and Paullo. Even Fetch, who was in the midst of an argument with Brandi and Yolanda, thought this was too much and told Faye to shut up. Of course this is not true. Sure, she might have added a bit of strain to a bad situation. But as Kim Richards said, if they were a real team, if they were a couple on healthy ground, they would have found a way to work through it. (And when Kim Richards is being the voice of reason, you know that everyone else is on magic mushrooms or something.) Paul and Adrienne did not work it out, and they had problems well before Brandi arrived on the scene. As soon as Brandi and Yolanda heard this, they turned around and walk away from Faye, who stood there looking superior.
It was at that moment, if you squinted your eyes and walked around past the giant urn pouring its water into Lisa's pool, if you looked through that water and into the sun, that you could see it: all the spirits haunting that hilltop, fluttering around like tissues caught on the limb. There was one behind Faye, buffeted about by the elements, her hair and garments flapping about her as if they were all about to take flight. It was a blond woman, someone close to Faye, who was always standing there watching over her, pushing her forward and steering her course. You could see that spirit there at the party if you looked the right way. But then you saw it get farther and farther away, floating up into the air blown by an invisible gale and then it turned it's back on Faye and disappeared into the sky, leaving behind it a little glint of light. Faye lost something by being there that day. In fact, we all did.
Follow Brian Moylan on Twitter @BrianJMoylan
[Photo Credit: Bravo]
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