Can I just say that more Roseanne Barr is exactly what we need as a society? It’s exactly what we need. If we had the opportunity to attain honest public figures who didn’t swindle money away from children or their parents using corrupt campaign strategies, I’d reject it in honor of Roseanne Barr. If we had the opportunity to attain puppy-sized elephants, I’d have a hard time rejecting it in favor of Roseanne Barr, but I’d do it anyway. EVEN IF IT MEANT THE LITTLE ELEPHANT WOULD SHIT MOUSE SIZED SHIT, I’d still choose Roseanne Barr. There’s literally nothing you could say to me that I’d choose over Roseanne Barr, and so it’s obviously perfect that she’s getting a new reality show where she’ll be in Hawaii running her very own macadamia nut farm and I don’t have to give up anything! Now you sit there and tell me you’d rather be able to walk into a groomer and ask for your elephant to be groomed than watch Roseanne Barr on her hands and knees, sweating like John Goodman over the ground like it’s supposed to be reacting faster to her. YOU CAN’T! But great try.
Lifetime Television has ordered sixteen half-hour episodes of this show that isn’t called anything yet, and Roseanne said, “I’m coming back down to earth and keeping it real. They’ve said ‘Roseanne’s nuts’ for years, and now I’m going to make that a reality — I’m all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!” HOW CAN TELEVISION BE SO GREAT IF IT CAN’T EVEN TUCK ITS PANTS INTO ITS SOCKS!? That’s what I’d like to know. Anyway, everyone’s excited for this new show to premiere later this year, and the show’s press release says “Never one to back down from a challenge, [Roseanne] uses her take-no-prisoners approach to life in shaping a more utopian dream for herself and her loved ones as only Roseanne Barr can.” To which I will say, UTOPIAN? Utopian. I just looked “Utopian” up and its definition is, “an idealized perfection,” or “GIVEN TO IMPRACTICAL OR UNREALISTIC SCHEMES OF PERFECTION.” YOU GUYS, DO YOU SEE WHY I CHOOSE ROSEANNE BARR OVER ANYTHING AND WHY YOU SHOULD READ PRESS RELEASES?!?
Source: TV By The Numbers
