Mark Schafer
As you might have noticed from the smoking hole in your computer screen, the social media universe is all atwitter (SO THAT’S WHY THEY CALL IT THAT!) over the new announcement of Girls star Adam Driver taking the role of Star Wars: Episode VII‘s central villain. It is a bit of news that inspires critical deliberation, speculation over possible character arcs, and … of course … jokes. Lots and lots and lots of terrible, cynical, obnoxious, uninspired jokes.
Like these, for instance:
Adam Driver in Star Wars? I didn’t know the G train stopped at Tosche Station!
I didn’t know they sold lightsabers on Etsy!
What are they gonna call this one — Empire Strikes Baumbach?
What are they gonna call this one — A New Co-Op?
Adam Driver? Star Wars? Who’s the princess — Leia Dunham?
Who’s the princess — Leia Shoshanna?
Because her name is Leia Organa. That one wasn’t as good as the Leia Dunham one. That Leia Dunham one was gold.
Right?
So, Adam Driver is gonna be in Star Wars, I hear. I hope this movie doesn’t have Mason Jar Jar Binks!
Gold.
Oh! So, Adam Driver whatever whatever. I hope this movie doesn’t have Jar Jar Banksy!
What, are they gonna make him a Stormtrooper uniform without the shirt?
What, are they gonna make him a Stormtrooper helmet shaped like a porkpie?
He wears a porkpie in Frances Ha, right? Here. Is that a porkpie? My friend said it is a porkpie.
Is he going to use the Force to carry a sofa back to his apartment from the curb?
How’s he gonna get in shape for this one — Boba FetBit?
Something with this:
Adam Driver is going to be in Star Wars? Who’s directing this movie, J.J. Abratow?
Get it?
Gold?
Eh, let’s just watch this again:
So, Adam Driver is going to be in Star Wars…
He’d better change his name to Adam Flyer!
Or Adam Imperial Walker!
Or Adam Landcruiser!
Okay, that’s enough of that.
So, Adam Driver is the bad guy in Star Wars. Is his girlfriend’s name going to be Hannah-kin Skywalker?
Okay, that’s enough of that.
Hey, who’s Adam Driver gonna hire to do his bidding in this movie — Fetta Gerwig?
Hey, who’s Adam Driver gonna face off against in this movie — Frances Han?
Did you hear the news? That guy from Lincoln is going to be in Star Wars!
The joke there is that Adam Driver is “that guy from Lincoln.”
But on that note, did you hear the news? That guy from Lincoln is going to be in Star Wars! I guess the opening crawl is going to start with, “Four score and seven years ago, in a galaxy far, far away…”
Eh…
Hey, did you hear that Adam Driver is going to be in Star Wars? What’s his spaceship going to be called — the Millennial Falcon?
