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Assuming you were born around 1983 and that your social circle in the early grammar school years consisted of a rigidly impermeable foursome, we can conclude indisputably that you spent a good deal of your time playing Ninja Turtles. Unlike other pop culture-inspired imagination games, Ninja Turtles never allowed for turn taking as far as the central roles were concerned. Maybe you’d alternate occupancy of Luke, Han, and Chewy when playing Star Wars, or switch off between Margaret and Jimmy for games of Liquid Sky. But when it came to Ninja Turtles, the margins were set before recess even began: you were either the leader, the tough one, the smart one, or the goofball. Without exception.
But are such stark roles present in any other pop culture phenomena? We’d have to imagine so. As such, we sought to our favorite foursomes from the entertainment world and took a stab at assigning them their respective Ninja Turtles.
SEINFELD
Leonardo
Jerry, the leader (who, incidentally, derives all of his moral fiber from the noble Superman)
Raphael
George, the truly “dark and disturbed” member of the group
Donatello
Elaine, the intellectual — she did graduate from Tufts (her safety school), and she scored a 151 on an I.Q. test
Michelangelo
Kramer, the hipster dufus
THE HOGWARTS HOUSES
Leonardo
Gryffindor, house of the daring and noble
Raphael
Slytherin, house of the severe and ambitious
Donatello
Ravenclaw, house of the wry and intellectual
Michelangelo
Hufflepuff, house of the spirited and kind
SEX AND THE CITY
Leonardo
Carrie, the glue, the narrator and the center of everyone’s attention
Raphael
Miranda, stubborn and cynical enough to walk away from the love of her life (twice!)
Donatello
Charlotte, the conservative, overachieving Ivy League grad obsessed with everything appearing perfect
Michelangelo
Samantha, who has never passed up a chance to see and be seen
United Artist via Everett Collection
THE BEATLES
Leonardo
Paul: “Think globally, act locally.”
Raphael
John: “Everybody loves you when you’re six foot in the ground.”
Donatello
George: “When you’ve seen beyond yourself, then you may find, peace of mind is waiting there.”
Michelangelo
Ringo: “Peace and love. Peace and love.”
THE AVENGERS
Leonardo
Captain America, the wholesome, morally didactic good guy
Raphael
The Hulk, the “muscle” who is tortured by his own demons
Donatello
Iron Man, the tech genius who never hesitates to let his teammates know how much smarter he is than they are
Michelangelo
Thor, who’s just kind of an idiot
DAWSON’S CREEK
Leonardo
Dawson, proving that having your name in the title doesn’t save you from being the biggest buzzkill
Raphael
Pacey, the rebellious, wise-cracking screw up of your teenage dreams
Donatello
Joey, smart – she went to Worthington! – sweet, and innocent, and always likely to end up in a bad situation
Michelangelo
Jen, the reformed party girl with a heart of gold and a chip on her shoulder
LITTLE WOMEN
Leonardo
Meg, the oldest sister and de facto head of the household
Raphael
Jo, strong-willed and at odds with her siblings (and herself)
Donatello
Beth, who is shy, wise, and musically adept
Michelangelo
Amy, the li’l one with the penchant for art
Columbia Pictures via Everett Collection
THE GHOSTBUSTERS
Leonardo
Ray, the heart and soul of the group
Raphael
Peter Venkman, the rebel who plays by his own rules (and forces everyone else to accommodate)
Donatello
Egon Spengler, the smartest in a team of scientists
Michelangelo
Winston, who is also there
THE MT. RUSHMORE PRESIDENTS
Leonardo
George Washington, the diplomat who kicked off American democracy
Raphael
Abraham Lincoln, the agonizingly depressed hero who took to the front lines
Donatello
Thomas Jefferson, the braniac wordsmith who wrote the Declaration of Independence
Michelangelo
Theodore Roosevelt, the loon who used to fight bears and whatnot
GOLDEN GIRLS
Leonardo
Blanche, the open-minded, creative sort
Raphael
Sophia, a master of caustic wit
Donatello
Dorothy, the smartest of the lot
Michelangelo
Rose, the ditz
THE FACTS OF LIFE
Leonardo
Blair, who was rich and blond, so she was the natural choice for the central role in an ’80s sitcom
Raphael
Jo, who wears a leather jacket
Donatello
Natalie, who basically acts like she’s 40 at age 15
Michelangelo
Tootie, who wears rollerskates all the time
20th Century Fox Film via Everett Collection
THE FANTASTIC FOUR
Leonardo
Sue Storm, the levelheaded voice of reason
Raphael
The Thing, who is, as one might expect, pretty pissed about being a giant rock
Donatello
Mr. Fantastic, the hyper-intellectual
Michelangelo
Johnny Storm, the jag who’s always jumping around and lighting stuff on fire, because he thinks it’s cool
STAND BY ME
Leonardo
Gordie, the courageous leader
Raphael
Chris, the young punk who has stolen his share of milk money
Donatello
Vern, the timid perpetual bullying victim
Michelangelo
Teddy, the kooky thrill-seeker
GIRLS
Leonardo
Hannah, who at the very least sees herself as a well-adjusted leader of mankind
Raphael
Jessa, the alleged loose cannon who is riddled with dark passengers
Donatello
Marnie, the uptight would-be sophisticate who tries to manufacture life experience by the book
Michelangelo
Shoshanna, the young nutter butter who garners the least respect
ROCKET POWER
Leonardo
Reggie Rocket, the smart, even-tempered overachiever
Raphael
Otto Rocket, the troublesome bad boy
Donatello
Sam Dullard, the awkward intellectual
Michelangelo
Twister Rodriguez, the idiot comic relief
Paramount Pictures via Everett Collection
MEAN GIRLS
Leonardo
Cady Heron, the acceptable human being
Raphael
Regina George, the villainous upstart
Donatello
Gretchen Wieners, kind of just by default
Michelangelo
Karen Smith… see “Thor”
THE SWEATHOGS
Leonardo
Vinnie Barbarino, the boring (albeit charming) leader
Raphael
Juan Epstein, the tough guy with whom everybody knows not to mess
Donatello
Arnold Horshach, the dorky dweeb
Michelangelo
Boom Boom Washington, the loudmouthed goofball
A special thanks to writers Angie Han (an easygoing Michelangelo type) and Rudie Obias (a total Raphael, with respect) for helping to mastermind this piece, and to everyone else who contributed their varied expertise to the cause.
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