What Would Jason Bourne Do?


Our favorite secret agent gone rogue, Jason Bourne, has proven time and again that he can get out of any pickle. Whether it’s using a ballpoint pen to beat the crap out of a bad guy or shaking up an aerosol can and tossing it into a fire for a makeshift bomb, Jason Bourne really knows how to think on his feet. He can even use a magazine two ways — also to beat the crap out of a bad guy and to construct a makeshift bomb. While it’s devastatingly sad that he doesn’t actually exist, we can certainly imagine what he’d be like in real life. If Jason Bourne were real and living undercover as an elementary school teacher in the suburbs, here’s how we think he’d get out of these binds.

The Dog Eats His Shoe

Instead of going to the mall and buying a new pair (Jason Bourne wouldn’t be caught dead at the mall, unless it was to lose tails in a large crowd), Bourne would make his own. Being a highly skilled leather maker, Jason Bourne would slaughter his own cow and tan the hide to make his new loafers. Once he has his leather, he constructs the shoe together while jogging on the treadmill to stay in shape. After his jog, his new shoes are finished and ready to be worn.

He Misses the Bus to Work

Not to worry, Jason Bourne is never late. Where there’s a will (and some household items lying around), there’s a way. This one’s easy. He just rips off the shower curtains, gets a couple of rolls of alluminum foil (Jason Bourne keeps about 15 rolls in stock at all times, just in case), bends a few coat hangers into shape, and boom! Hang glider. He then builds his own foot-powered launcher and flies off the roof of his house and smoothly glides to work.

He Leaves His Wallet at Home

Jason Bourne’s at the farmers market on a sunny Sunday, picking up summer squash and heirloom tomatoes, when he realizes that he’s forgotten his wallet at home. Instead of putting the organic produce back, or stealing it, which he could do so stealthily that nobody would even remember seeing him there, he decides to use his computer hacking skills to access his account at the nearest ATM. First he obstructs the security camera, then he punches in some buttons, and then punches some more buttons, and then he has $40 in his hands.

His Car Breaks Down in the Middle of Nowhere

Jason Bourne decides to go on a solo road trip into the heart of the desert for some soul searching, but his car breaks down miles away from any sign posts or road markers. This is one of our worst nightmares, but for Bourne, it’s but a mild annoyance. First of all, he can survive up to 216 days in the wild with no food or shelter. However, he has a social studies class to teach on Monday, so he makes his own compass with a needle and a magnet and uses it to find the last diner he passed. His photographic memory pinpoints exactly where it is on his mental map, and he walks the 30 miles there without breaking a sweat.

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