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Frasier has entered the building. Kelsey Grammer is joining the cast of The Expendables 3 to play the role of Bonaparte, an ex-mercenary who helps the Expendables on their quest against villain Mel Gibson. Originally, Bonaparte was to be played by Nicolas Cage, who dropped out. Grammer and Cage don’t seem particularly interchangeable, but the former has become known lately as a Hollywood tough guy due to his role as a merciless Chicago mayor on Starz’ Boss… and an even tougher guy as Camille’s husband on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Michael Bay was such a fan of Boss that he also cast Grammer as the villain in the upcoming Transformers: Age of Extinction.
But as far as we’re concerned, Grammer will always be erudite fussbudget Dr. Frasier Crane. In fact we’re still so invested in Frasier‘s witty aesthetic, we can’t help but imagine that The Expendables 3 will follow suit for the actor’s scenes…
FADE IN:
A well-appointed tent in the Burmese jungle that features a lovingly curated collection of African masks, abstract objet d’art, and a suede sofa, upon which rests an antique fountain pen once used by Noël Coward. A musclebound man wearing an immaculately tailored Italian suit slashes his way through the jungle foliage, reaches the tent and greets another man also wearing an immaculately tailored Italian suit.
BARNEY ROSS (SYLVESTER STALLONE): Bonaparte, cancel our junta! Our Burmese rebel allies have abandoned us faster than blue bloods fleeing revolutionary France!
BONAPARTE (GRAMMER): They’ve abandoned us just as we approached our hour of triumph? It’s worthy of O. Henry.
BARNEY ROSS: To dull your pain, like an Indian to your pilgrim’s table, I bring you this bottle of Armagnac.
BONAPARTE: Well, that’s why you’re the squad leader. Shall we compose a list of possible replacement mercenaries to join our team?
BARNEY ROSS: We shall, but, first, do you know how to get sap out of silk? My tailor will never forgive me for slashing my way through this jungle flora.
BONAPARTE: Just don’t rest your jacket on my sofa. It’s suede! Speaking of which, how do you like my open-air bachelor pad? I had it designed for the latest meeting of my Safari Club. We adjourned to Burma after a stay in Nepal where we ascended Mt. Everest. Or rather our servants climbed it while we held a wine tasting at base camp.
BARNEY ROSS: It’s superb. Now for who we should recruit. Trench (Arnold Schwarzenegger) is a mysterious one, but I can tell from the way he occludes his dipthongs that he’s Austrian.
BONAPARTE: Therefore he’s a must. I think we should also reserve the power to blackball at least one contender either one of us suggests.
BARNEY ROSS: Agreed. Lee Christmas (Jason Statham) worked as a tailor at Savile Row before running guns in the Congo, which could come in handy.
BONAPARTE: He’s as effective at stopping genocide as he is at using peroxide. A must. I’d also suggest our burly Nordic friend Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren).
BARNEY ROSS: He has the grace of a lepidoptera but stings like a hymenoptera. What about Max Drummer (Harrison Ford)?
BONAPARTE: Blackball! He opposed my bid to be corkmaster of the wine club. And the lobster he served at his soiree last autumn wasn’t even 124 degrees Fahrenheit.
BARNEY ROSS: Pish tosh, Bonaparte. I won’t give in to your shell-fish demands. Surely you’d find Yin Yang (Jet Li) a suitable member of the team.
BONAPARTE: Yes, though only because he won’t be unsettled by your tendency to change into a Chinese dressing gown after dinner. I’d also suggest Hale Caesar (Terry Crews).
BARNEY ROSS: Really? Caesar? Of the Newport Caesars? Blackball!
BONAPARTE: What? Why isn’t Hale Caesar an ideal candidate for our squad?
BARNEY ROSS: You do not question the blackball, you just bow to its will.
BONAPARTE: Fine, then I blackball myself because I won’t have any part in a team without Hale Caesar.
BARNEY ROSS: You cannot self-blackball!
(Enter David Hyde Pierce)
NILES: Will you two pipe down? Maris just got back from an elective cheekbone-raising and needs her rest!
END SCENE
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